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Rape - Blog Posts
Note: The phrase “the chart” refers to the graph in iamretrograde’s post, titled “Comparisons of Intimate Partner Violence Against Various Categories.”
I did a reverse image search on the chart, followed by searching for the text. This led me to this site http://chart-mining.com/comparison-of-intimate-partner-violence-against-various-categories/, which has the graph followed by a source. They source it as being from http://www.frc.org/get.cfm?i=IS04C02 . I followed the link, but it didn’t have the image, just a page telling me that I could use the website’s search bar to help find what I was looking for.
I tried searching for some of the keywords used on the image with the site’s search bar and discovered two things:
1. The site has an extreme anti-LGBT+ agenda and is extremely biased.
2. I could not find any mention of the supposed statistics. I did find this article: http://downloads.frc.org/EF/EF08L44.pdf , which says, “ ‘Domestic violence is reported to occur in about 11 percent of lesbian homes,’ the article [this is referencing another study] states. It goes on to claim that this is ,about half the rate of 20 percent reported by heterosexual women.’ However, this comparison fails to note that the highest rates of domestic violence among heterosexuals occur among those who are divorced, separated, cohabiting, or in sexual relationships outside of marriage; married women experience the lowest rates of domestic violence of any household arrangement.” Which, as far as I can tell, is claiming that this is study doesn’t count because heterosexual married women are less likely to experience domestic violence than unmarried heterosexual women who have a male partner. This may be true, I’m not sure, but I fail to see how this proves their point. In addition, these figures are significantly lower in both cases than the figures given on the graph.
I then looked up the article they reference. It’s here: http://www.glma.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=Page.viewPage&pageID=691 . The organization publishing it, the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association (yes, they will also be biased) has removed the statistic and didn’t cite their sources, so that’s mostly a dead end. I found a few other sources, but all of them have various flaws (convenience sampling, over-specificity, etc.) that make them not useful.
Overall, I could not find anything to back up the statistics in that graph. If we accept the statistics provided by an anti-LGBT+ organization, who have a vested interest in the opposite result, then we have clear evidence that domestic violence occurs at lower rates among two-woman couples than one-man one woman couples. Since two-woman couples would have twice as many opportunities to occur, this would seem to indicate that, from a domestic violence point of view, it is safer for a woman to be in a relationship with another woman than with a man. Furthermore, it is safer overall for everyone than that chart indicates. (This does not mean the given statistics are good! However, they are less bad.)
If someone can find a source to back up the chart, I will absolutely reconsider this; until then, it looks like its claims are false.
Heterosexuality is Stockholm Syndrome
Usually by inquiring why, as this does, based on the definition of feminism, seem a little bit strange.
You mean by saying that sex should be consensual? Because that’s basically all that feminists are saying.
I've never seen anyone try to control women like a group of feminists
Feminism (n.) The theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/feminism).
People saying that men can’t be raped are by definition not feminists, therefore it is nonsensical to use them as an example of why you aren’t a feminist.
Yes, men can get raped. But that’s not an argument against feminism
Basically why I’m not a feminist
I believe rape is bad even if the victim is someone I don't like and is universally agreed upon to be a bad person
If you are a male victim of rape, you are still a man. It doesn’t make you weaker, and you shouldn’t feel disgusted by yourself. What happened to you is not your fault.
Sexual Assault Survivors’ Bill of Rights Became Federal Law 10/7/2016 https://www.congress.gov/bill/114th-congress/house-bill/5578/text 1. The rights of a survivor should never be contingent on reporting or pursuing legal action. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with trauma and these fundamental rights must be protected for every survivor. 2. Every survivor has a right to a sexual assault counselor; waiving the right to a counselor in one instance does not negate this right. 3. Fair and efficient rape kit procedures are a must. It is unacceptable that a kit might be misplaced or destroyed; to prevent this and delays, a tracking system must be developed. 4. There must be standard procedures for ensuring that survivors are informed of their rights. 5. In assessing the effectiveness of this policy and future policies, diverse voices and communities must be included in the conversation. The bill establishes a task force that includes representatives from communities of color, immigrant communities, organizations that conduct outreach/education/advocacy for BGLQT individuals, survivor advocates, law enforcement, and a SANE nurse. Thank you Amanda Nguyen, for spearheading this, and all who helped.
“You good?” Sevika asks, and Vi barks out a laugh.
“Oh yeah. Fucking peachy.” She says through grit teeth, then sucks in smoke harder than was necessary to avoid elaborating.
Sevika leans her shoulder against the wall beside Vi, looking down at her, expression unreadable. There was a bruise forming in the shape of Vi’s knuckles on her jaw. Lucky shot. The only real hit Vi had managed to get in.
“There’s some girls at Babette’s who can’t do penetration either,” Sevika offers, and Vi bristles.
***
Vi has some old wounds that never healed. Sevika likes to pick at them. They find a way to start healing them together.
***
I debated posting this here. Trigger warning for rape, panic attacks, ptsd, and violence.
A couple of other things from my experience:
Unless you know for a fact that they are comfortable with it, always ask before touching them in any way. I’ve had a couple friends trigger panic attacks that way.
If you’re in a relationship try to have some sort of code for when it is and isn’t okay to be super intimate. My ex and I had a color code for what level of intimacy I was comfortable with and he would always ask what color I was.
I often flinch and put my hands up at any sudden hand movement. Don’t get offended if someone does that. It’s just an instinctive response.
Don’t slam doors, stomp around, or make unnecessary excessive noise when possible. It can often cause anxiety attacks.
Never, and I mean NEVER, refer to someone’s anxiety/panic attacks or PTSD episodes as a “tantrum” or “fit” EVER
If I say, “can you not do that? It reminds me of my abuser.” It isn’t me comparing you to them. It’s simply me trying to let you know that whatever you’re doing/saying triggers traumatic memories.
You are not alone and it is NEVER your fault if you are a victim of abuse.
THINGS TO BE AWARE OF WHEN IT COMES TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED: 💬
we all experience it differently, but these are the most common ones to me.
Since I grew up in a abusive household,
• I could tell the mood to the person who abused me by their steps, and I remember not being able to breathe when the person was mad because the footsteps were fast and heavy. I still get scared when people walk like that.
• I get scared when a person comes home without saying anything to me because it was what the person who used to abuse me did when they were angry at me.
• I still tip toe around the house at night on my way to the bathroom, scared that the smallest sound I make will get me in trouble.
• I jump at the slightest movement because I’m afraid it’s aimed at me after all the years of being threatened and hit.
• I never refuse to help with anything even if I can’t, because I remember what happened when I refused or didn’t answer right away.
• I am very observant because it’s how I got away from being abused for days, I see one thing outta place at home and I know that day will not be a great one. Is everything at place? a day without abuse.
• If a person gets a bit angry, starts rising their voice or looks at me with a sharp look, I feel like running away and never coming back because it’s how the person who abused me would intimidate me.
please, take these things into consideration and be aware of them, it would mean a lot to me and others who also went through the same things. don’t make fun of anyone who acts like this, you have no idea what they have gone through.
if you have other things to add, please do. it’s important to be aware of the things that might trigger people who have been or are still being physically abused. and if you know someone who’s being abused, please help them. it could do so much good for them.
and if anyone ever needs to speak with anyone, just know that you can message me and I’ll do my best to help as much as possible. I’m also here if you need a friend as well :)
feeling trapped
i think one of the things i'm struggling with the most is the feeling of being trapped. it's what the majority of my nightmares focus on, either with memories of real events or invented trauma-based dream nonsense, but i haven't parsed out exactly why this is such an issue for me still.
for all intents and purposes, i'm not trapped anymore. i've been out of that environment since 2008. i've been no-contact with my abusers since 2018. i'm married, living in a different county, in my own house with my partner and two dogs. i am the least trapped i've ever been.
though i do feel trapped in my body- it's maddening sometimes, having to deal with my chronic illness and disability on top of this mental health baggage. it's frustrating. but i don't really think that's what the issue is, with this trapped feeling.
i know it somehow relates to my trauma, but i can't put my finger on why my brain feels the need to process this now. what even is there to process? i was trapped. often physically, always psychologically, but like why does my brain keep telling me there is something deeper about this that i'm not understanding? it's like having a word or phrase on the tip of my tongue. there is something but i don't know what.
one of the reasons my therapist suggested writing online, anonymously, is because my trapped feelings can be triggered when i want to talk about my trauma but get stuck in the potential consequences of doing so with my identity attached. my abusers have both, separately, threatened me with lawsuits should i ever attempt to report them again or go public with my story. defamation, libel, countersuits if charges are pressed again. as if i would even want to go through the trauma of legal proceedings, all over again, since all it ever did was make my life harder. that court experience was worse than some of the rapes i remember.
so i'm writing, to see if putting this out into the world helps this feeling. or maybe it will help something else inside of me. part of me wonders if i'm just using it as an excuse to lean into the trauma more, since feeling broken down is more comforting than feeling strong, even now. the pain of it feels safe.