Curate, connect, and discover
A random idea/fanfiction by me.
Inspired by: the shower (truly, it's a magical place)
Because like, imagine, will you, that Dazai goes to the bank on his day off after payday, possibly looking to get some new bandages, and who should he come across but Chuuya, who is there to take out some money from a totally legitimate Port Mafia account. They'd probably bicker for a minute, Dazai would find at least three ways to insult the mafioso, who would then shout back at him, only to have everyone else in the bank shoot them strange looks, so he then resorts to whisper shouting. Until suddenly, the doors burst open, and in rushes five men with guns blazing, their faces obscured by masks. "This is a hold up!" they declare. Three of them usher all the bankgoers to one wall, forcing them to sit down quietly. And of course, if any of them try to call the police, they'd really get it. The other two deal with the clerks, getting them to open the vault, and no one gets hurt.
Meanwhile, Dazai and Chuuya are watching this play out with mild amusement. After one of them sticks a gun in Dazai's face and tells them to move it, they share a shrug and walk to the wall, plopping down criss-cross applesauce. The patrons are shaking. Some of them are crying, some are praying. Dazai folds his arms behind his head and leans back against the wall, suppressing the urge to yawn. Chuuya takes the opportunity to munch on a granola bar and observe the robbery with vague interest.
With his eyes closed, Dazai asks... "so...are you going to stop them, or...?"
"Nah," Chuuya answers between bites. "I haven't eaten much all day, so..." He turns to Dazai. "What about you? Aren't you the detective here?"
"Yeah, but it's my day off now. I don't want to work."
"Yeah, yeah, definitely know the feeling."
"Hey, you two!" shouts one of the thieves watching the hostages. "Be quiet!"
"Sorry." Neither of them sound particularly apologetic. They sit for a few more minutes. Dazai yawns and stretches. Chuuya finishes his granola bar. Nothing changes.
"What's taking them so long?" Chuuya mutters. He's starting to get annoyed. "Some of us have things to do, you know."
"This is actually really pathetic," comments Dazai. "We could have gotten double the money and been halfway back to the base by now, gone before the police even knew there was a threat."
"And we'd never do it like this," agrees the mafioso. "This is too loud, and it's got no class."
"Right? It's like begging for the police to come. And besides, this whole hostage situation is thin as paper. If they really wanted to intimidate people, they should have shot someone by now, prove they're serious."
"Those guns probably aren't even loaded."
"Honestly, this whole set up is awful. Truly amateurish."
"This whole thing would be much smoother if we did it. Maybe we should help them, just so they can get their money and leave the rest of us alone."
"That-"
"Hey!" shouts the same guard again. He points at Dazai, then at Chuuya. "What did I say about talking?! If you don't shut up-"
"No, you're doing it wrong," Dazai informs him.
"I...what?"
"If you really wanted to intimidate us, you should have fired off a warning shot, at the very least. Even if you're too coward to actually shoot a person, at least don't make it so obvious the thing's not even loaded."
Beads of sweat drip down the thief's face. "Huh?"
"And could you tell your friends there to hurry up?" adds Chuuya. "They're going to be caught at this rate. Obviously, the clerks are stalling. They're probably sticking in the lowest bills they have to give the bags some weight. It would be way more efficient to have one guy guarding the clerks and two of you doing it yourself."
"Just figure out the accounts with the most in them and take from there," Dazai suggests, standing up. "You'll get more and faster like that."
Chuuya rises as well. Now, the other two thieves who were supposed to be guarding the hostages come to back up their friend, pointing their guns directly at their heads. Dazai frowns.
"Hold on a second, can I see that? Thanks." He reaches out and grabs the nearest thief's gun, and before he even has a chance to protest, he opens up the magazine and shakes it.
"See? Empty. Would it really have been so hard to even find one bullet to put in there?"
From behind their masks, the burglars begin to panic. The public, now aware they're being held up by nothing, stand up angrily.
"And look!" Chuuya strides over behind the counter, where the clerks are supposed to be filling up bags with money. He takes one out of a male's clerk's hand and dumps it out on the floor. "All 1,000 yen bills. If you had just paid more attention, you could have made off with much more. And, now the police are coming."
Indeed, the sound of wailing sirens gets louder and louder. The thieves glance at each other. With a single nod, they turn on their heels and run.
"Not so fast!" All of the former hostages block the door. The thieves freeze, turning to Dazai fearfully. He shrugs.
"That's what happens when you don't back-up your claims. This is due to your own stupidity."
The public manages to easily restrain the thieves until the police arrive to take them away. As they're being dragged out, Dazai and Chuuya merely watch with their arms folded, shaking their heads and muttering to themselves.
"Disgraceful."
"What a sloppy job."
"Embarrassment to all criminals, really."
"Can't believe I had my time wasted with this crud."
"Hopefully, they'll do better next time."
"Yeah. If you're going to hold up a bank, at least do it well."
After the thieves are taken away, the police ask Dazai and Chuuya about what happened, since everyone says that they're the ones who stopped them. They answer with vague statements that amount to nothing, and leave the bank before they have to get more involved.
Neither of them speak much, each caught up in his own memories from the past. Eventually, Dazai decides to head back to his apartment, though not without giving one good jarb on Chuuya's height. In the end of the day, he supposed he did stop them. Well, as long as it didn't have to count as work-
The next day, both Chuuya and Dazai were required to make a report on the matter.
End.