Testosterone Would Save Him - Blog Posts

the idea of Ruth as a trans allegory has me crying in the club

(SPOILERS FOR NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE GO WATCH IT ITS AMAZING)

the idea of discovering something more to yourself that you want to show the world, but feel stuck in what people say you need to be rather than what you really are hits really close to home

Max Jagerman saying “you’re a nerd cause I said so. i willed it into existence.” represents how the more acceptable, “normal” people project what someone is supposed to be onto them without considering what they truly are, to keep them in a box, a box that Ruth is trying to break out of

when Max is presumed dead, it represents those expectations being lifted off of those who were affected, allowing people like Richie to be confident in who they are and make friends

even though Ruth doesn’t know exactly what she is yet, she finds her passion for being in the spotlight at the beginning of “Just For Once”, singing about how she now knows she wants to be in the spotlight

lines that talk about her character growing old, talking about how she’s disappointed with where her life is, maybe reflects how she’s feels about growing up herself, being scared of a future where she has to live as someone she isn’t or with someone she doesn’t want to be with

her repetition of “just for once,” in the song reflects many of the thoughts that other trans people have, often imagining ultimatums like “if only I had a button that turned me into a (preferred gender)” or “if I could just wear this outfit just for one event,” or “if I could just be a (preferred gender) for one day”

“just for once I’d feel the spark that I once knew” reflects feelings of many trans people who realized they weren’t cis around high school, where Ruth is, and searched to find that feeling again, but felt trapped by expectations by parents or others

“should I flip the burgers now? should I double check it’s well done on the outside, not within?” her indecisiveness reflects one of her main character traits, that she is riddled with anxiety, a common struggle that trans people experience, her anxiety makes scenarios that even though people are starting to accept her after Max’s death, that she’d still be ridiculed, or that it isn’t right for her to be who she is

her musicality shows her in bursts of confidence, like at the end with her lengthening the last note and letting it trail off, setting it free, only to go completely silent, highlighting the duality of her confidence in her new self, and fear of change (the last note always kills me it makes me tear up everytime)

what makes it even more gut-wrenching is that she isn’t able to feel the freedom of living her dream

the trailing off repetition of “i used to dance” after talking about giving away her tap shoes, representing her surrender to anxiety and fear, giving up on her dreams of being a performer, before being killed by Max

“Life is fine, if only it were mine.”