Curate, connect, and discover
Among everyone I know with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I’m one of the happiest, most outgoing, and most emotionally secure.
I have strong, positive, intimate relationships in my life.
I feel comfortable interacting with strangers.
I even make friends easily.
(The secret they don’t tell you is that even when you’re good at it, not everyone is a good choice to try it with!)
I still turned off my phone to avoid a dreaded phonecall.
I was crushed by a moderate disappointment.
I genuinely worry that my friends have stopped liking me, and that I’m not welcome in my social groups anymore (“they’re finally onto me!”).
When someone confronted me about something, even without any overt hostility, I had an anxiety attack before I could respond. And after the conversation I cried in bed, so hard that when I got up, I had tiny fresh bruises around my eyes.
Most days, I have the impulse to take down posts that feel too personal, too confused, too me.
I doubt myself and everything I’m trying to do. Sometimes I still feel like hiding in a closet for the rest of my life would be a better idea.
And I obviously still struggle with all my usual avoidance problems -- like the effort it takes to leave the house.
...the thing about having a personality disorder -- or any mental illness! -- is that it’s always there in the background.
It’s usually always under the surface. It can affect everything in your life.
And even when someone seems to be doing really, really well, this is still something they have to be aware of and careful with. Sometimes, if you’re recovering, it feels like it’s always waiting to take over again.
There are always triggers. There are always situations that will prompt a disordered response. Sometimes you’ll be able to choose away from acting on that response, and sometimes you won’t.
And there’s never a time when self-care stops being important.
Don’t worry. It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you, and it doesn’t mean you’re worse than everybody else. Because everybody has times where things are hard and awful.
It’s okay to talk about how much it sucks. We all need validation and support.
It’s also okay to deliberately focus on what’s good and what successes you’re having, if that’s helpful for you.
You can even do both at the same time. In spite of all the things I listed up there:
I turned my phone back on and called them back! I used my self-talk skills to cope with the disappointment! I kept showing up to my social group! I had the confrontational talk and survived! I didn’t take down any posts! I learned some things!
Most of us tend to downplay our victories and emphasize our faults and mistakes. Consciously doing the opposite of that can help us change our thought habits.
There’s no wrong way to heal. There’s no wrong way to get better, or learn what you need to learn. And you can get stronger and grow as a person, even when you have lots of bad days.
What works for you is good enough, and that’s all that matters. <3