This Fic Cured My Depression - Blog Posts

Strange Remedies

notes: my first contribution to this fandom. enjoy. this man has taken over my brain.

contains: crosshair x gn!reader, set on pabu, kissing, touch-starved crosshair, reader shamelessly flirts with him, some banter, some angst and of course a lot of affection.

summary: unable to sleep, you decide to take a stroll around pabu, not expecting to run into your teammate along the way. he may have gotten more than he bargained for when you have a few words to say about his ever-trembling hand.

warnings: none

The sun had long set on the small island settlement that your squad had unanimously decided was your temporary or perhaps even permanent residence. A comforting silence had settled over the village but you just couldn't seem to fall asleep. Having tried your best; laying in the dark with your eyes closed for at least two hours, you eventually gave up and decided that maybe taking a walk would tire you out enough. So you got up quietly, careful not to wake your fellow teammates and made your way to the door, not realizing one of the other beds was also empty.

Pabu was different after the sun had set. Unlike the bustling and lively sounds of the villagers going about their day in the afternoon; the island at night was ruled by a cool sea breeze and the chirping of bugs in the trees and grass. Making your way through the narrow pathways within the settlement, you could only see a few dim lights still on. However, the sky above your head sufficiently made up for the lack of lighting. Even in your travels with Clone Force 99 you had rarely seen so many stars so clearly; at least not from a planet's surface. One would think it was easy to get tired of the view if you spent a considerable amount of time travelling the galaxy in a spaceship, but it was different to look up at them from below. Suddenly they were not millions of worlds and systems filled with life; but instead they became a comforting blanket of lights over your head that seemed to signal to you that things were going to be okay.

You made your way over to a small nook not too far away from where your new domicile was. Here the lanterns were still on and the vines and flowers that were winding around the railing and surrounding pillars made for a soothing atmosphere. From here you could see lower Pabu in all its glory, however you mused that there probably wasn't much to look at in the dead of night.

To your surprise, the spot you were planning to occupy as you'd look out onto the ocean for a while was already taken by a familiar face. You had only seen the back of his head, but you recognized him immediately from the scars and the trembling hands.

Crosshair's head turned to you instantly as soon as he heard you come closer; looking at you like a fragile animal backed into a corner. You supposed after all he had been through, you couldn't blame him to be startled when something or someone approached him in the dark. A few seconds after, he seemed to remember where he was and took a deep breath after realizing it was merely you who was walking towards him. He turned his head back towards the ocean, loosely settling his arms on the railing.

Spending any free time training and spending his nights sleepless had become part of his routine. So unless you went on a mission, you didn't really see him much during the day aside from the times where he got into his bunk or made himself some food. A pity, as you thought. You would have loved to be around him more.

You didn't really understand why you liked him that much. After all, having joined the team after Clone Force 99 had left Kamino, you didn't exactly know him as anything but an imperial soldier who didn't care if you lived or died. Things had changed, yes, and you felt as though the two of you had gotten closer, but the fact remained that he was often cold and brushed you off when you tried to spend time with him.

But something seemed different about him tonight. You could tell. He seemed... tired; worn-out even.

"Hey there, sunshine. How're you? Adjusting to island life?", you tried to make conversation, still hoping your casual demeanor would eventually break through his icy defenses. "Doesn't look like it but one can hope."

He scoffed at the silly nickname you had given him all the way back during the destruction of Kamino. It was the furthest thing from accurate, which is exactly why you had decided to add it to your cynic responses whenever he brought the mood down or complained.

Crosshair rolled his eyes. "I'm adjusting just fine", he growled, folding his arms over his chest. "What are you doing up?"

From the tone of his voice, you couldn't tell whether he was genuinely interested or just disturbed by your company.

"Just thinking. Taking a walk."

Crosshair nodded. "Welcome to the club", he responded, a bitter tone lacing his voice which hinted towards the fact that his experience being here was unfortunately not a peaceful nighttime walk. You had guessed as much already, but he kept involuntarily reaffirming you in that presumption with his reactions. He was tired, which you had noticed made him more expressive. He probably couldn't even tell how easily you saw through him at the moment.

"Can't sleep?", he then asked.

"I'm actually sleepwalking, can't you tell?", you said sarcastically, which made the sniper raise a tired eyebrow at your comment, his expression still stoic and his annoyance growing.

"Hilarious", he responded dryly without looking into your eyes.

"I could have slept, but I have instead decided to make it my personal mission to brighten up your life with my presence", you teased and winked. Crosshair rolled his eyes once more.

"And how exactly are you planning to do that?", he replied, a hint of irritation in his tone. Though, he couldn't deny it was better to put up with your teasing than to be alone right now. With solitude came the memories of his imprisonment on Tantiss and the horrors he had been put through.

"Well first I need to find out if there's anything in this life that brings you joy", you explained which made him let out an annoyed sigh. "As it seems, I am doing this on a heightened difficulty level."

Crosshair paused. It was true that there was not much to smile about in his life. Not a lot that brought him happiness, if anything at all. He never thought about it either. He wasn't made to be happy. He was created for battle with the purpose of winning a war. His makers didn't care whether he was happy or not, so why should he? But now he was here, far away from the life he had known and he felt more lost than he ever had. Perhaps this was precisely why he hesitated so much to leave the empire. If he defied the very purpose of his existence, then what was the point of his life? Why was he even still living? There had to be something that made him want to exist, right? Otherwise he wouldn't be trying so hard.

The structures and laws that had held him within their familiar grasp since childhood had collapsed and given way to a nauseating journey into the unknown that he felt far from ready for.

He looked at your hopeful expression when you had stated you wanted to bring more joy into his life and he had to realize that even if he tried, he didn't find any satisfying answer to give you.

So he opted for letting out a humorless chuckle. "Yeah. Good luck with that."

"Thanks, I'm gonna need it", you mouthed quietly in light of his attitude.

Crosshair didn't want to admit that he began to enjoy the banter with you, sad as the topic of conversation was. His eyes fell onto his trembling hand and he let out a sigh. This was one of the reasons he couldn't sleep at night and he wished he could just make it stop. He had tried everything from just clenching his fists harder to punching a wall in frustration. His shaking fingers didn't go unnoticed.

"So. What's up with your hand?"

Your expression had gotten more serious; concerned even. You weren't the first one to have noticed it or bring it up; you knew Hunter and Omega had tried to address it multiple times in the past, but you hoped that maybe whatever state Crosshair was in right now made him more willing to communicate.

He tensed up slightly when you brought it up. He looked down at it once more as if for some reason he could now stop it from trembling. Of course his efforts were in vain. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists around the railing to keep his hands steady.

"Nothing", he responded coldly, hoping these were the final words he had to say on the matter. He should have known by now that you never gave up that easily.

"Doesn't look like nothing. Have you seen a medic yet?"

He bristled at your questioning. He didn't like being fussed over, let alone asked about his hand.

"I don't need to", he snapped in response. "It's just a-... it'll pass."

You weren't convinced. Not with the way he hesitated and seemed to stumble over his words when he had answered your question. He seemed almost embarrassed about the hand, hoping people would just stop paying any mind to it.

"You should see one", you sighed, looking into his eyes before giving him a small smirk. "Or you'll have to make do with me."

Crosshair couldn't deny that he was a little amused at your baseless threat, though he didn't show it on his face. "And what are you gonna do? Kiss it better?" He said this cynically, with nothing hinting towards him seriously suggesting this, but you couldn't help but smile at the idea.

"Tempting, but I don't think it's that easy of a fix", you winked and sighed, reaching for your pocket. Crosshair's eyes followed your hands suspiciously as you pulled something out and tried to give it to him. "Here. Try this."

Crosshair eyed the thinly wrapped candy with a mix of confusion and irritation. "A lollipop? Really?", his expression darkened and his tone was annoyed as he was sure you were messing with him. "What's this for? I'm not a child."

"Cut the attitude, sunshine", you rolled your eyes and once more tried to hand it to him. "Just trust me."

Crosshair sighed in defeat and begrudgingly took the lollipop from your hand, still eyeing with with a load of skepticism. At this point you were presuming he thought you were intending to poison him. He reminded you a lot of Echo when you tried to offer him anything.

You watched as Crosshair removed the wrapper and popped the candy into his mouth, beginning to twirl it between his lips. "There. Happy?", he asked.

"Hmm", you hum in response, waiting for the taste to set in.

Crosshair's eyes widened as the burning flavor hit his senses. He wasn't an expert in candy, never really liked it, but he knew it definitely wasn't supposed to be spicy. "What the fuck?", he growled, coughing slightly.

"Keep at it, soldier", you rolled your eyes at his steady level of distrust, "my doctor used to say if the medicine tastes good, it's bloody useless."

Crosshair sighed in response, but continued to suck on the lollipop, trying not to get too irritated by the burning sensation that was overwhelming his taste buds. He looked at you observing him with curiousity and frowned. "This is ridiculous", he muttered.

"Really? I beg to differ", you responded dryly and gestured towards his hand. He glanced down at it and to his surprise it was still, having stopped the relentless trembling. Out of all the solutions he had gone over in his head, "spicy lollipop" definitely wasn't on the list. "That's... how?", he asked curiously, looking back up at you. His eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion.

"The taste is so penetrating that it forces your brain to focus on it and shift your attention to the present, whether you want it or not", you explained calmly. "That's what it was designed for. So I suppose my suspicions were correct."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

You nodded towards his hand. "Means it's mental."

He tensed up, slightly uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation. "I don't know what you're talking about", he spat, trying to shut down the topic. He was unsuccessful.

Crosshair had known for a while. He tried his best to convince himself that the shaking hand was merely an injury. He was familiar with injuries. Knew how to manage with them. This was different. It felt foreign and made him unsure of what to do about it. He certainly didn't want anyone else to know. He hated the thought of being weak; being vulnerable. That was unbefitting of a soldier.

You sighed. "Crosshair", you paused for a moment, studying his expression. He looked at you again as if he was worried you'd lunge at him to attack him any moment now. "This is a temporary fix. I can give these to you and I suggest you save them for battle when you need it. But that won't take care of the root problem. You still need to put in the work."

He bit his lip, his expression turning defensive. He hated this. Hated how observant you were and how you saw right through him. "What, so you're gonna play shrink now too?", he snapped back.

"I'm all you can afford", you teased and gave him a wink, "don't tell the other patients but you're kind of my favorite."

Crosshair rolled his eyes, trying to hide the fact that your words made his heart beat fast. He knew you were joking, but a part of him couldn't help but hope there was some truth to your words. He wanted this; wanted to be special to someone. The Empire had shown him how replaceable and insignificant he was, they had ripped his purpose from him and left him with nothing but an emptiness in his chest and memories that haunted him every night. He was scared of how much he craved to be needed. To have a purpose again; mean something to someone. He noticed it when Omega had depended on him for their escape, when Batcher sought out his presence and he noticed it now with you as well. Part of him, shockingly, was ready to throw himself into anything that made him feel like this. Nothing scared him more than that. He knew he had to be careful, lest he'd end up getting hurt. So he just glanced up to you with an indifferent expression. "...You're insufferable, you know that right?"

You just shrugged. "You're the one who's into that."

Crosshair's eyes widened slightly at your blunt statement, caught off guard by the audacity of it. "I am not into that," he protested, but his voice lacked conviction.

"Sure, if that helps you sleep at night, sunshine", you smirked at him.

Crosshair cursed the way you made him feel. The way you knew exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction out of him. He grumbled quietly. "...Shut up."

You just sent him an amused glare, but chose not to press any further. The two of you stood there in silence for a while, looking up at the stars together. Crosshair couldn't help but wonder how you knew so much about his condition. He was a naturally guarded person and it was rare for him to open up about his weaknesses. He had tried so many things to stop his hand from shaking and you somehow knew exactly what he needed and were ready to look out for him. He glanced over at you.

"How do you know so much about this stuff?" He asked, his tone gruff. He gestured towards his hand.

You paused for a moment. "Do you think you're the only person in the galaxy who's had to deal with this?", you sigh, "I had my fair share of troubles."

Crosshair raised an eyebrow at your statement, somewhat caught off guard. He had assumed you lived a life of carefree bliss, given your usually cheerful, laid-back demeanor.

"You? You've got troubles?" He said, a hint of skepticism in his tone.

"Had. Plenty of 'em", you turned head to look into his eyes, "but I made it past. You will too. I fully believe that."

Crosshair met your gaze, a mix of surprise and vulnerability in his eyes. Few had ever spoken to him with such unwavering belief in him, Omega was really the only one who came to mind. He wondered how the two of you did it, given how little faith he currently had in himself; his hands unsteady from the horrors on his mind and his heart wrecked with guilt.

"You make it sound easy," he mumbled, looking down at his hands.

"It gets easier", you shrugged. "Takes a lot of patience and dedication though. But I think you've got plenty of that. Well, dedication. Patience probably not so much." You let out a light chuckle.

Crosshair laughed in response to your comment, knowing full well that you were right about it. "Yeah, patience has never really been my strong suit," he admitted.

Your eyes widened. "Oh my god, was that a laugh? I didn't know you could do that!", you exclaimed excitedly.

Crosshair rolled his eyes at your fascination with his expressions.. "Save it," he said, trying to suppress the small smile that was tugging at the corners of his mouth.

You looked at him with a soft smile on your face, savoring this moment. This was, after all, a side of him that you didn't get to see very often. If at all.

"Your smile's pretty", you remarked, lost in thoughts.

The statement caught Crosshair off-guard and he felt a heat creeping up his cheeks. No one had ever said anything like this to him before. He quickly averted his gaze, trying to regain his composure, but you could clearly tell he was flustered.

"You're messing with me," he muttered, but there was no annoyance behind it this time.

"Sunshine, I would never mess with you", you insisted before correcting yourself. "Okay actually I mess with you a lot. But I don't lie. Except about the whole medic schtick, the closest thing I have to a qualification is a 'thank you' carved into a melon by one of the Pabu kids after I gave her a cough drop."

Despite Crosshair's gruff exterior, he found himself chuckling involuntarily at your words. "You are unbelievable, you know that?" he said, a hint of amusement in his tone.

"Oh come on, what's a certificate nowadays? You can't tell me Hemlock is a real doctor." You felt bad immediately when you noticed his hand shake again at the mention of the man who had tortured him.

Crosshair's expression darkened at the mention of him. His gaze dropped to his shaking hand, the memories of his torture flooding back into his mind. He clenched his teeth, fighting to maintain his composure.

"Don't talk about him," he said through gritted teeth, his voice quieter than usual.

"Right. Sorry", you bit your lip, pondering what you could add to make up for your insensitive remark.

Crosshair took a deep breath, trying to push the memories aside. He didn't want to be reminded of his time on Tantiss. It was a dark chapter of his life that he was trying desperately to move on from.

He glanced up at you, his expression softening slightly upon seeing your guilt-ridden face. "It's fine," he mumbled. He hesitated for a moment before reaching out to ask you something that had been on his mind for a while. "Given that you know so much about... all this. What do you suppose I do from here on out?"

Crosshair wasn't usually the type to ask for advice. But given that you had already seen through his act and realized the cause of his agony, he might as well make the best of it.

You sighed. "Don't try to force it to get better. I've seen the way you wear yourself out by training everyday. Getting more and more frustrated everytime you miss a target." Crosshair supposed he could see how that might have been counter-productive. "Give yourself time. And be kinder to yourself. No one's expecting you to just move on after everything you've been through. I know you feel like you have to make up for everything by contributing as much as you can to the team. I know you feel guilty about Tech." His heart stung at the mention of his lost brother.

"But shame will only make it worse", you lectured him. "Just work through it... at your own pace, however long that's going to take."

"Maybe I'll just have to live with it", Crosshair replied with a bitter tone, moving his shaking right hand to clench his even more trembling left hand.

You shook your head. "It'll get better. Trust me."

"I doubt that", he let out a dry laugh, throwing the rest of his finished lollipop over the railing, "I used to be able to hit pretty much every target. Now I can barely keep my hands steady."

You could tell how much he beat himself up over this. All remnants of your joking demeanor had left your face and your expression softened as you removed his left hand from his basically painful grasp and gently took it into your own, linking your fingers with his. "Then I will keep it steady until you can", you promised, your voice laced with a patience Crosshair thought he could have only dreamed of; one he didn't think he deserved.

His breath hitched in his throat. No one had ever touched him like this before, with such tenderness and care. He watched as you traced the back of his hand with your thumb, his gaze fixed on your touch.

"You look like you've never seen affection in your life", you chuckled quietly.

Crosshair's eyes widened slightly, and he felt a pang in his chest. He didn't know how to react to your comment because it was painfully true. He had spent his whole life as a soldier, most of the touch he had seen had been violence in battle. Affection was a concept he was barely familiar with.

He let out a shaky breath, his gaze still fixed on your touch on his hand. "Yeah, you could say that," he mumbled. "Though, I've involuntarily been pulled into quite a few of Wrecker's group hugs."

You laughed. "Yeah that sounds like Wrecker." You paused for a moment, looking into his eyes. "You know, if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you."

Crosshair felt a strange mix of emotions coursing through him at your offer. On one hand, his instinct was to push you away and maintain his tough facade. On the other hand, a part of him secretly yearned for someone to talk to, someone who understood what he was going through.

He swallowed, his eyes still fixed on your touch, before meeting your gaze. "Yeah...I'll keep that in mind," he murmured, his voice quiet. He gestured towards you holding his hand. "That also one of your miracle remedies?"

You smirked. "Just one of the many skills a professional such as myself has to offer. Though I can still kiss it better if you want me to."

Crosshair felt his cheeks flush at your offer, and he quickly tried to cover it up with a scoff. Despite his gruff exterior, he was clearly flustered by your words.

He rolled his eyes, trying to maintain his nonchalant facade. "Yeah, right. As if that would work."

He had to admit, the thought of kissing you made his heart race just a little. He quickly pushed that thought aside, not wanting to show his vulnerability.

You shrugged. "It probably won't fix your hand but maybe it'll make you less cranky", you gave him a challenging smirk.

Crosshair decided to ignore the part about him being cranky. "You really believe that?", he raised an eyebrow at you, being slightly amused internally.

"Well I said maybe. It's a hypothesis. We'd have to test it to know more."

Crosshair swallowed, his heart rate picking up speed. He shouldn't be considering this. He should push you away, keep a distance. But something in your eyes made it impossible. He sighed, trying to keep his cool. "Fine," he mumbled, his voice a little huskier than he intended and barely audible. Fortunately, you still heard it.

"What was that?"

"Don't make me repeat myself."

You chuckled quietly before guiding him closer, wrapping an arm around his waist. Crosshair flinched at your touch, terrified you'd back away and ridicule him. But the fear faded as soon as he looked into your eyes again. Gone were the hints of your teasing and instead your smirk was replaced by a soft smile that made him feel safe; like you'd be as patient with him as he needed you to be. Like you'd never hurt him, no matter what.

He felt you cup his cheek with your free hand, this time melting into your touch immediately. Crosshair felt himself relaxing into your embrace, even if his heart was still beating wildly. He felt your breath on his lips and you still looked at him, scanning his expression for signs of resistance; making really sure that he was okay with this.

Crosshair moved closer, his lips ghosting over your own. You closed your eyes and took the initiative, taking a soft peck at his lips before pulling him into another, this time much deeper kiss. You could feel Crosshair's lip trembling as he sighed into the kiss. The spicy taste of the lollipop still lingered on his tongue, but it didn't bother you much. Your thumbs wiped away the tears that were running down his cheek as he was overwhelmed by your affections.

Crosshair found himself lost in the sensation, all his previous reservations melting away. For the first time in a long time, he felt truly at ease. You kissed him over and over again, softly, as though you feared he was going to break. The former soldier felt like he should be offended, but he couldn't deny that he was fond of it; even needed it. You were careful with him. He liked that.

Your lips eventually parted from his and you pressed a soft kiss to his cheek before pulling him into a tight hug, your head resting on his shoulder. You loved him. He could tell. He knew he'd probably start doubting it again tomorrow but in this moment he just knew.

You could feel him tremble in your embrace and waited for him to calm down before loosening it, resting your head on his chest and looking out onto the ocean again. You remained like this for a while, Crosshair resting his chin on your head, his eyes still closed. He started to feel drowsy.

"So, what now? Do you plan on staying on Pabu? After all of this is over I mean", he asked quietly, opening his eyes and noting the first hints of a sunrise in the distance.

"I don't know", you answered honestly, gazing at the horizon. "There's so much I still want to see in this galaxy. I'm not sure if I can spend the rest of my life in one place..." He nodded. It was different for him but he supposed he could understand. After all, you were never sent from planet to planet into battle like he was. Still, his heart ached at the idea of letting you go. Somehow, it seemed as though you could tell. "But don't worry, I'll visit you like, all the time", you added and pressed another quick kiss to his lips, which seemed to calm him. "How about you? You were raised in a lab, there's got to be something you want to see out there right?"

He thought for a moment. "I suppose. Before the empire, me and the others were sent to a planet once in the dead of winter and the locals told us about what spring was like there. It sounded... interesting. I guess I'd like to go back there one day... see it for myself." He never expected himself to say something like this. To plan something for his future that didn't serve someone else's expectations. But you brought that out in him.

You heard Crosshair yawn and gently ran your fingers up and down his back. "Maybe it's time you caught up on some sleep. Both of us really", you remarked and he nodded, following you back to your domicile. "Maybe we could see it together sometime. That planet you talked about."

Crosshair liked that suggestion. He nodded and placed his hand on your back, letting it rest there for the remainder of your walk.

You nodded towards the tall mountain that was Pabu. "For the time being, I can show you around the Coconut Republic tomorrow", you suggested.

"Please stop calling it that."

You woke up way too early for your own liking. At least, early given that you went to bed at sunrise. Your eyes fell onto Crosshair, who had passed out in your arms immediately after getting back to the bunks. You supposed all the worries that had plagued his mind had eventually tired him out. You smiled at him, pressing a kiss to his forehead. You could feel his body rise and fall with his soft breathing. He looked so peaceful like this; way different from the Crosshair you were used to.

He only started to wake up after Hunter and the others had already left their bunks. Since you didn't have any plans for today, they decided to let you catch up on your sleep.

When Crosshair began to wake from his slumber, he instinctively pressed a light kiss to your neck. You weren't even sure whether he was aware that he did this or not. "Good morning", you whispered and chuckled lightly, guiding his chin up with your finger to press a kiss to his lips.

He groaned, holding his head. "The others get up already?", he asked, mumbling without opening his eyes.

"Hmm", you confirmed.

"They're never going to let me live this down, are they?"

You let out a laugh. "I doubt it. Wrecker specifically looked like he had the time of his life."

"Ugh", he groaned and buried his face in your neck again. "Lucky me."

You chuckled as he sighed and continued holding onto him, feeling Crosshair drifting off to sleep again. You covered his back with the blanket and he snuggled into you again.

You supposed it wouldn't hurt to stay like this for a little longer.