This Is Depressing - Blog Posts

My life summed up in one meme.

"How can I ignore depression when it comes to hugs me when no one else did?"

~ Me, at midnight, while taking a shower.

"If you had a friend who had no interest in writing, and they try to write and write better than you, a masterpiece. What would you do? If you had read and written and worked insanely hard and they are just so naturally talented that they are able to produce something so incredible. What would you do? Would you accept the difference between heaven and earth, a la prodigy and benchplayer? Would you retreat to the belief it is just luck or chance, that there are no masterpieces argument, or would deny it completely and ignore the difference and trudge onwards"

~YouTube, don't remember which video sorry. Quote is changed from orginal.

Found the diagnosis to my problems...

Autophobia

Morbid fear of solitude, or of being left alone, abandoned or ignored.

P.S.: Solitude is often good but the rest are just dreadful.

Suicide

As a child I really loved the idea of suicide and kind of glorified it in my mind. It seemed perfect in all ways, you don't have to suffer in old age, you don't have to suffer from the pain of any terminal illness. It was just like if things are not going well you can end things whenever you want. I always liked the fact that suicide gives you the right to end your life as per your wish and instead of someone or something having the ability to end you.

But now a lot of time has passed, I am an adult and very thankful that I found a reason to not do something so 'awesome' as suicide. Because now I am mature and has realised that the notion behind my glorifying suicide had no base. I have realised that Yes when we try to hang ourselves we are the ones to remove that stool from under our feet but the rope we use was given to us by someone else. In simple words we want to end our lives but only because of others and how they treat us, which is obviously wrong. One more thing I realised growing up is that like we got hundred reasons to procrastinate our work, we also got hundred reasons to procastinate the idea of suicide. And for me just a single one was sufficient to keep me alive and also to teach me how to love life.

Maybe you need more than one reason to keep up living but I know you have those reasons, so just find them and cling to it till you start loving yourself and the surrounding. If I can move on everyone can and you know if I would have opted for suicide back when I was a kid, maybe I would have never been able to face all those failures and then enjoyed overcoming them. Challenges don't make your life miserable but they make your life unique. Just like I love to wear a unique dress to a party, I also love having my set of failures and challenges which make my life unique.

Finally, when you feel like ending your life just cling to the 'some' reasons around you to live till the time you start loving your life. Because suicide is stupid and everyone definitely realises that one day.

The wish to be alone is so wierd, you try to forget so many people and end up remembering so many things at once.

Dirk