Curate, connect, and discover
A Storm is brewing.
Or alternatively, Future!Mikey’s teachings on the importance of healthy emotional regulation vs Future!Leo’s influence of bury the pain away with laughs: Fight!
Or even more alternatively, a look into Cj’s no good, very terrible mental health :’D
_
Cj was making his rounds again. Round and round the large platform that served as a living room, up the stairs towards the boarded up subway entrance.Look left, look right. Look up. Always check up. Go back down, circle around the living room, switch up one or two locations for unpredictability then repeat. Armoured Boots gliding along the concrete tiles in practiced silence.
He knows he doesn't have to do it. Logically speaking he knows there is nothing there. As soon as he could, Donatello or-uh Donnie had this place rigged to galore with motion sensors, cameras, the occasional laser grid that if anyone asked, Case would deny ever being there. Nope. Nuh-uh he saw nothing. Scouts honour, whatever that meant. In the future he had come from, they were always saying funny things like that. Nice to see it remained even now. Funnier now that he finally understood those references. Kidna.
Heck, Cj was there, he even helped wire (under close supervision from the genius but helped nonetheless) some of the circuitry together for a few of those cameras. Even younger and less experienced, the purple softshell was still leagues ahead of whatever modern human society could concoct. And alongside a smattering of future foresight here and there, Casey was pretty sure not even a rat (sorry Master Splinter) could crawl through the grills without Donnie knowing.
But something about today makes the boiling rage-guilt-homesickness-why why why did you leave me?-scream louder, rebelling against the very idea of joining the sleeping family pile together in the living room.
So weapon in hand, Cj walks. Forcing himself into the familiar exhaustion of patrol. Lest he end up kicking one of them or break down crying or say something he would regret or all of the above. Either way none great options. They will welcome him, this he knows. He knows. But here, right now there is absolutely nothing that he hated more than that. Which was absolutely the fuck why he had to go.
(“Master Michelangelo No! You’re gonna-!” He tries to run towards the glowing golden figure, he has to do something. Anything. If he could just pour even a little of his own mystic into his uncle-dad- oh fuckthey’llnevergetto talkboutwhyhecalledhimdad-
But a steady blue grips at his shoulder and holds him back. It smiles sadly. NononoPaSensei pleaseno- Casey wants to wail but the words won’t come. -I can’t go through this again.
Casey can pinpoint exactly when that crackling, soothing fire roars, scorching louder than it ever has, before sputtering out, warm golden-orange swallowed by the uncompromising void the boy had so come to hate, mere seconds before the spotted turtle turns, winks. And shatters into the wind.
Somewhere distantly, he can feel unyielding, passionate green gutter out and shrivel up like the leaves they fry up to eat. So much death. Too much void. And that was only the ones he could feelrightnow- oh fuckPush it down. Push it down.
“Casey..” The pit in his stomach grows. No. But the words choke in his throat and his feet glue themselves into the ruined ground. Damn it! Why can’t he move!?
“..Grab a slice!” The slider does not follow. He hangs back, smiling. Like a burden has been lifted from his shoulders.
Cj can feel exactly when that comforting, fiery, electrifying blue flickers dangerously low, because despite what Pa himself thinks. It was never gone. Never.
But it fizzles out now.
And all Casey can do now is watch in tandem as that disgusting, searing red torches away the man who has guided him his whole life. There is no way to survive this. The medic thinks numbly. He has bandaged blackened, crumbing body tissue he dare not identity from survivors (not for long) just grazed by that. Thing. The facts are in front of Casey. There.Is.No.Way.
He’s not as smart as Uncle Tello, not quick with his words like Pa , or as compassionate like D-Uncle Mi, neither is he relentless as Mom nor resourceful as Auntie April. He’s only always been emotional which is why he has to push it down,down, down.
So he can only scream and scream and scream as the golden-orange that has cradled him all his life carries him far, far away.
Why did you send me away?
Why didn’t you let me help?
Why didn’t you come with me?)
Dee hisses, turning his face away form Case in discomfort. Case panics, causing him to stumble back as the tangle of limbs stirs slightly. Oh shit, he always forgot what a light sleeper both Donatellos were. Immediately, Cj claps his hands over his mouth. Muffling his ragged breathing that had unknowingly pitched itself into high pitched whines while he took that involuntary trip down memory lane.
Heart beating furiously. Even dampened, his hushed breathing still punctuates the silence of the lair. In and out Case. A voice that sounds suspiciously like Uncle Mi echoes in his mind. Shut the fuck up. He snarls back, like a cornered animal. You don’t get to nag me. You’re dead.
Before the sting of regret immediately slaps him in the face. Ohmigosh how can he think that? Mortified, he buries his head into his hands. Ok new plan. Patrol clearly wasn’t going to cut it anymore. He had to do something else. Gingerly, the teen peeks through his fingers to look back at the group, grateful to see that the soft-shell ’s face had once again gone slack the way only proper sleep could do.
With a sigh of relief, Case then marches towards to the sleeping pile. Cj clenches and unclenches his jaw, trying to work out the very words stuck in his throat. “I.. I..” Cmon Casey, he grouses to himself. Fists clenching. Get it together. Just say this once so you can get it over with.
"I.. I’m sorry. " The teen finally spits out, standing over the sleeping faces of humans, turtles and rat alike. So young and so painfully free of worry. "I know you’re not them. And I..” His breath hitches. Years of training and experience kicks in to even out his breathing. Uneven meant loud. Loud meant danger. Deep breathe in, deep breathe out. Deep Sigh. Now talk.
“.. But the people I’m angry at aren’t here. And I miss them so much. I miss everything so much. And that’s so fucked I know.” Casey groans, pausing to quickly scrub away the tears. Terrified that if even one fell, it would somehow wake the sleeping pile up.
“I should have died. I know I should have died. Im just some stupid kid who got lucky enough to be loved by powerful people like you. There were so many people so much better than me you know?” The ravenette warbles, wrapping his arms around himself.
“They deserve to be here. But all you have is me.” Casey cracks,Oh god Miwa, baby-NO. He squeezes his eyes shut. Push it down, now. Otherwise he will start full on bailing which will defeat the whole purpose of this feelings exercise. Push it down. Breathe. Now try again.
“A-and the worst part?” The teen out of time and out of body, throws his head back and laughs bitterly. “I can’t just let myself die because then everything and everyone will be wasted. And fuck-!“ Cj tears at his hair. “I.. I can’t do that to them.”
“And..” Case sighs, hands dropping to his sides. “I can’t do that to you guys either. I promised myself I’ll take care of you guys. And I will.” Calmer, he bends down to get a closer look at them all. My family. His family.
Their peaceful snores finally starting to douse the Anger and grief down to a manageable hiss, not gone. (Huh,guess Da-Uncle Mi was right. Talking does help) Maybe not ever. But today, right now, it released its fangs and uncoiled enough to give way for the blooming softness that always, always thudded beneath his skin. And he’ll make sure it always will. The apocalypse could quite literally come again and freeze itself over before Cassandra Jones Junior ever stopped committing to loving his family. All of them.
“I swear.” He nods his head fiercely. If anyone were awake they would see Cj’s eyes flare up as if glowing from the sheer force of will. “I’m gonna take care of you guys like you take care of me.”
Because he knows these people. They are good. They are so, so good. Even.. even if they will never love him the same. Even if they will never be the people who raised him( he doesn’t want them to be, they were so, so tired). Both were good. Both were so fun and so utterly delightful to be around it hurt. The kind of hurt where you laughed so hard your sides were aching. He didn’t know that kind of hurt could exist till now.
They will treat him well. And even if they didn’t (which they have, he’s so, so lucky they have). Once upon a time, these were once the same people who saw a baby, quietly buried among the rubble, took him in and taught him everything he knows. Despite barely able to feed themselves most days. And that means something to him. It means everything.
And in a way, that was exactly what the present variants were doing all over again. Forging birth certificates, applying for IDs, giving him a room, explaining shampoo, dishwashers, public transport, tv shows, money, making strict meal plans for his sorry,sorry self that couldn’t even stomach bread cuz guess what? Edible Flour and yeast didn’t exist in the apocalypse. Everything. Bringing him into their movie nights, sparring, comic books,lab time, graffiti, magic tricks, news hunting, hockey games.
He still remembers that very first night.
("You're not coming with?" Raphael questions, already halfway out the Medbay.
Once it became clear that was nothing more they could do for Leonardo save Casey's Ninpo that he really, really did not feel up to doing again. The excitement died down and the group gradually began to disperse, grabbing pillows and blankets and heading towards the living room he was previously tied up in. Hah.Good times.
Casey shakes his head. "No, it's alright. Please rest Mas- Raphael." He tries to smile brightly. "Someone has to watch over Leonardo you know? I'm basically the only medic here." Casey shrugs.
Truth be told, Cj wants nothing more than to drop to the ground right then and there. But someone has to monitor the red slider. Pounding headache and fuzzy vision aside (oh shell, this was a concussion wasn’t? Would explain why he’s so irritable) someone had to track the slow but steady up and down on the ECG screen in case things went wrong. He was a little rusty. They didn’t have a lot of those things towards… the end. But he will adjust, he will. It’s what he was here for. He just.. doesn't want to intrude any further.
"Why did'nt you tell us had mystic mojo?"
Something in him breaks
Stop this. I almost killed your brother. I'm just a stranger to you. Why are you being so nice to me? Casey wants to claw at his arms and scream, held back only by the sheer weight of exhaustion and grief that threatens to bury him under.
Just like it buried Pa.
Just like it buried everyone else.
Just like it will bury him.
Unfortunately, Master Splinter did not catch that memo. That or they were more focused on hospitality than he thought. "No. Red is right." Master Splinter huffs. "You are exhausted future boy. You can't do anything like this. Go." The elderly man crosses his arms, using his tail to push him into Raphael's waiting arms. "I will watch over Blue."
"But-"
"C'mon Case lets go." Raphael says gently. A heavy hand that has no right to feel so familiar; rests on his shoulder, guiding him to the living room. Casey shudders, between Leonardo and Raphael it was like being hammered with the world’s worst case of Deja vu.
"There you two are." April grins tiredly.
"Casey!" Michelangelo cheers, making grabby hands towards the boy. They both part from each other to make space for him.
On the far right, his shell against April's side. Donatello spares him a glance before curling further inwards. He doesn't say anything but he doesn't need too. His lack of protest is already enough.)
And it is there right there; nestled between April and Mikey, Raph as a mattress, Donnie curled up at April’s side, And surrounded by more blankets than he has ever seen in his life. Cj tells his already hardened resolve 'I am never leaving them alone'. Even if they never called him family again. As long as they wanted him around, all they had to do was ask. And he will be there. He will.
So yes, the past-er present hamatos were still his family. But was he theirs in return? Or was he just a really good friend? Was he even anything to them at all?
“Bring it in little brother”
“I’m not mad at you”
“I’m not your mother.. but I’m not going to ditch you”
Yet when Case reaches for the warmth that has never ever left him. Not since a ten year old Cj had yearned and screamed and loved with all his heart; let me love you. You are not alone. Let me take care of you like you do for me. Let me fight for you. Let us fight together
It’s cold.
He strains and he strains and he strains. til his metaphorical heart is breaking at the seams-No one answers back.
Not Purple, Not Green, Not Orange, Not even.. Blue.
Thrumming teal pluses sluggishly around his clenched hands before fading out despite all his cloying attempts to keep it beating. Starved of the trust and togetherness that was the very foundation of this clan.
Maybe he deserves it
A rotten boy who left everyone else to die
Some lifesaver he was
Those are the facts. Look for the objective truth. Feelings and words can be Subjective. Casey swallows thickly. Uncle Tello always told him that. So what does it say about the present Hamatos?
A) They were lying, saying all this out of some twisted sense of obligation and no genuine sense of affection. Which scratch that. Even with his foggy memories and what he knows about Casey now. She would never do that. Same goes for everyone else. Family was everything to all of them, even way back here in the past. They guarded that word viciously.
Or B) They were trying for his sake. Or maybe for their own sake too. Trying to fit him into a set that was already complete, but wanting to try anyways so they kept saying it and saying it, In hopes that one day it became true. But it won’t-Not ever. Why would it? What did Case have to offer that they couldn’t already give each other? He almost killed their Leo. He almost broke this family-not quite lying. But not quite telling the truth either. Fake it till you make it as they say. Now; here’s the million dollar question, would they do something like that that?
He thinks of Leo’s breezy smiles but searching jokes.
Donnie’s allowance of him into his lab, but his eyes scrutinise him more closely than anyone else.
Casey’s stubborn once a fortnight ice hockey sessions but firm and awkward conversations.
Mikey’s near constant hand grabbing and pulling and ‘look!look! Check this out!’ at every idle moment, as if fearful of letting Cj out of his sight.
April who jumps at any opportunity to take him topside but scans everything,himself included.
Raph’s near constant,but cautious grip around his shoulders whenever they went somewhere. Unlike his more free, swooping hugs to the others.
Even the occasional spontaneous and mysterious bowl of cut fruit yet halting, stilted exchanges that would occur at his doorway every so often.
Hm.. yes this sounded more like them.
It sours his mouth like rat jerky gone bad. But you swallow it down anyways. Because really what else do you have?
Misplaced Familiarity aside, he has no where else to go. He has no money, no history (Donnie’s forgery and Casey’s manhandling of poor government workers to get him registered under her name, as some previously hermit cousin can only do so much) and no credentials to even hold down a basic part-time job.
Pizza supreme; he can’t even navigate the New York’s train system by himself without getting so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people he got lost, he had to call Casey (cuz Casey had a van to block out the noise) to come bail him out.
He may not know much about the present. But he’s sure as hell not trying his luck on the streets, he could. Nothing can compare to the apocalypse. But he’s pretty sure his mom will find a way to leave the afterlife just to kill him.
“Cassandra Jones Junior I did not get skewered by Kraang to have you digging around the trash like a goddamn cockroach!” Is something she would say. Not to mention the disappointment from everyone else.
And Case wasn’t sure if he could sleep knowing he stole from some poor shopkeeper just trying to live their life. When there was a gaggle of people right here, more than happy to give him an allowance if he so much as looked at something for more than two seconds. He never thought, in his wildest dreams, he’d have to stop younger variations of his pa and uncles from buying out whole stores yet here he was.
This has to be enough.
And it will be.
He’ll make sure of it.
Mind finally settled, Cj stands, grimacing at the sound of his knees cracking in protest.Eurgh boi, gotta love cursed aging and all the weird and wonderful ways the apocalypse hurled abuse at his body. Good thing Leo wasn’t awake. Or anyone else for that matter. They would tease him relentlessly, swearing to add to a growing pile of blackmail he’s pretty sure doesn’t exist for him, yet. Or they would stare at him in suffocating silence with those pitying eyes which was just so, so much worse.
Carefully, Cj sets his weapon down, still within arms reach, and curls himself into whatever empty space within the pile he can find without disturbing them because he knows at least one of them will be up soon, mainly Mikey with his breakfast prep or Raph with his morning workout, sometimes Casey too, on the rare occasions she would sleep over in the lair with them like now. He tries not to let it bother him too much, the mystic warrior he knew was almost always last to rise.
Case tucks his knees to his chest and flutters his eyes shut. So he can at least try and pretend to them that he slept.
This is enough.