Curate, connect, and discover
By ‘DMs Open’ what I really mean is that I’m in desperate need of a social life and want to connect with other people in the communities and fan bases I find myself in, but I’m too anxious to start a conversation with anyone first, and I worry that if I were to just text out of he blue the person I’m messaging may think I’m weird or a creep, and I know that I’d be on-and-off in terms of availability and emotional connection anyway, and it’s not like I’m especially funny or charming and my texts are mediocre at best, but I really want to talk to people, only, wanting that makes me feel guilty because it feels like I’m treating the concept of ‘conversation’ as a commodity and novelty rather than thinking of the conversation itself as one, and speaking of conversation there is a lot of lack-there-of on my part and I really want to apologize to people for that but I don’t want to really burden them with an apology or ruin the mood with it, so I end up straying away, spiritually ghosting them mid-text and then go without any meaningful social interaction for a month or few until I get the sudden itching urge to literally individually text everyone I know of to see if any want to be my friends, and I feel bad knowing that I’ll lose interest in conversating in a couple weeks anyway so what’s the point, and it all loops around and then I feel bad ’cause I realize that I’m ‘accidentally’ love-bombing everyone except it’s not really an accident because I already knew this would happen, and then I feel even more terrible, then proceed to feel terrible about feeling terrible, but I still want friends, only, the last message I got was from a year ago and suddenly appearing back out of the blue to reconnect and then probably eventually gradually ghosting them is a terrible idea and they’ll probably think I’m a creep, and I’m probably overthinking this but human nature is wanting to meet and talk to people, even if it only happens sporadically when a white, three-legged calf is born under the red moon in Botswana or something, and I still want to talk but I don’t because I don’t wanna ruin anyone’s day or life or have them miss me if we somehow connect and I go and do my little antisocial bit, but I still wanna talk and AAAAAAAAAAAAA anyways, DMs are open B)