Nobody Is Afraid To Lose Me. I Never Mean That Much.

i think i found one of the other anon's blogs and its making me have intense feelings of "no! he is mine you cant have him!" i dont wish any harm on this anon but im inexplicably grr about it in a "no, dont take him from me!" kind of way.. also you changing your @ scared me for a second, i thought you blocked me or got termed or something.. -⛓

well, i certainly didn’t mean to scare you! i thought the old @ was a tongue twister, and a little too repetitive. i also couldn’t remember the order the words went in, so i thought i’d change it.

awe, anon! you sure know how to make a guy feel rather special.

Im sorry..

-⛓

why are you sorry?

dear anon, you have nothing to be sorry for!

my head feels like it’s been filled with cotton, and my vision is swimming in the most subtle way. i feel floaty and gentle and pliable and fragile. it’s quite an odd feeling.

If I could be anything I wanted to, I’d be dead.

Once upon a time I was told I wasnt worthy of love,, now I have even worse self esteem then I already did. I am terrified of rejection, and believe its all I will receive from anyone I show interest in.. So the possibility of you figuring out who I am is scary,, because Im convinced you will lose interest if you ever find out... -⛓

you will never know until you try.

i’m sorry you were told that. everyone is worthy of unending love.

I can’t let him see how ugly I get

Honestly it probably isn’t that far off from one considering how often i’m stalking your account/hj but enough about that. Do you have any favorite people? Can I pretty please be one?

-🌀

i suppose you could.

and awe, you stalk my accounts? i’m flattered.

a sorrowful source memory…? [tw]

i distinctly remember the aftermath of a particularly rough argument.

he accused me of never caring, of planning to leave. the jimmy i knew was quick to emotion, in every sense of the word: he was quick to fall in love as he was quick to anger. as this argument progressed, our voices were raised higher and higher. it got to the point where my own throat was sore, just from trying to be heard over his frantic yelling. once the end of the argument came about, we both took off to different rooms of the apartment we were sharing at the time. the apartment wasn’t anything too special, just somewhere we could crash when we weren’t doing shipments. he ended up in his (our shared) bedroom, and i ended up pacing the kitchen. about an hour later, he sulked out from the bedroom, and came to me in the kitchen. about 30 minutes into the wait, i decided that food could be a good peace offering, so i was cooking. nothing too extreme, just eggs, as we didn’t have much else in the apartment. i could hear him creep up behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle and laying his forehead on the back of my shoulder.

it was those tender moments that reminded me why i stuck around, why i adore/d him, why i was the sole devotee.

tw. you know the drill.

i’m nothing but a devoted mutt. a dirty, cheap whore. a disgusting, vile being that exists only for the pleasure of others.

i need someone to adore, someone to hurt me and love me, all at the same time. without a special person, a favorite person, i’m useless.

what good is a useless mutt?

i’m awful. no one will ever need me like i need them. i’m too damn needy…i cry when i get degraded too harshly, and when i get praised because i don’t deserve kind words ever, and when you leave me alone too long.

no one will ever need me like i need them.

What did I do to make myself genuinely unlikable