You Go Too Long Without Practice And Your Mind Strays Deep Into The Shame Of Your Failure To Become Better.

The Fake Dom Problem

How submissives are misinformed, misled and taken advantage of by people pretending to be a "real Dom".

I'm writing this, because I know from experience that there are many so called 'fake Doms' out there. These are (mostly) men who pretend to be a dominant in the BDSM culture, often claiming having lots of experience, while in reality they are simply men looking to take advantage of (often) young and inexperienced submissive females, who make an easy target to be taken advantage of due to their submissive nature.

A couple of things that usually stand out with fake Doms, is that they quickly assume the "dominant" role, or at least, what they presume to be the dominant role. Very often they'll have the submissive female refer to them as 'Sir' or 'Master', sometimes even from the start, even though no consent has been given, and the "Dom" knows little to nothing about the submissive in question.

They'll often quickly continue with online role play, start asking submissives what clothes they are wearing, or demanding they do as they tell, because they are the "Dom", and they (incorrectly) assume a submissive must always tell whatever a Dom tells them to do. This often leads to submissives being incorrectly informed, taken advantage of and being misled, sometimes even abused.

Often these are just men looking for sexting, or online role play, and have little to no experience or knowledge about BDSM or being a "real Dom". Some of them might simply be looking to get themselves off, or sometimes are just looking to score nudes from their victims.

A real Dom however will never start demanding things from a submissive, until consent has been given from both sides. A real Dom will never ask you to call them 'Sir' or 'Master', until you both have agreed upon it, and preferably not until you both know something about each other, what both of your desires and limitations are.

A good Dom will always first try to get to know a submissive first, to try and understand their needs, desires and wishes, as well as their limitations, current circumstances and hard limits. This is of key importance, not just to built trust, but also to prevent crossing the line and leaving the submissive with a bad experience.

So please, be careful when you meet a new Dom online. Make sure you get to know each other first. Don't send pictures until you feel comfortable. And my personal opinion would be, not to send any nudes or sensitive material, until you have both personally met each other face to face, so you know that he or she is the real deal and not a fake Dom.

Don't let yourself be fooled or pressured into things because some online Dom tells you to. A good Dom respects your limits and respects you. I know this might sound weird for those submissives that crave to be humiliated and degraded, but only someone who respects you can truly humiliated and degrade you the way you want to. After all, if there's nothing to be respected, there's nothing to humiliate or degrade.

If you have any questions, want advice or just want to talk, my DM is always open.

Let's create a safer and better place for both Dom's and submissives, with less fakers and more real people looking for the real thing.

Please share this!

@dominantbimbotrainer

The first step is accepting that you need training.

The next step is asking someone that you think might be willing to train you for them to put the time and effort in to provide you their training.

The next step is to discuss all of the elements of what training would include and negotiating together so that the greatest chances of success and fulfillment from training become possible.

Then, you will have to work together in order to create and fine-tune a practice that reflects both of your needs, goals, and enjoyment.

Then you will have to do the work. Both of you. Training takes time and energy and focus to create appropriate systems and practices. Being trained takes time and energy and focus to put the effort in that is required in order for the practice to become effective in helping you reach your goals.

Regular discussion about how things went in past experiences and sessions is essential to fine-tuning future practices.

Training is as much an art, as it is a practice, and the only way for the art aspect of it to blossom is to be sincere and give it access to your heart. Dedication to practice can, through sincerity, open the heart to true enjoyment and artistry, and it is OK for that to be the pathway.

Only idiots and abusers fail to support feminism.

Idiots because they fail to understand it and abusers because they’re too incompetent to actually earn a woman’s trust.

Feminism is THE one and only mechanism by which actual submission is possible. When you argue against this fact you reveal very clearly whether you are an idiot or an abuser, or (as is oftentimes the case) both.

Let me make this perfectly clear

Am I deep down a feminist who just has kinky fantasies? 

NO! 

I reject that shit completely.  

Equality is an absurd lie.  Women should only worry about supporting and pleasing Men.  

Our job is to cook, clean, lick, suck, suffer and bear children.  We will lick your ass and drink your piss, but PLEASE do not try to treat us as equals!  

Ladies, who is with me on this? 

[THIS USER UNDERSTANDS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOM/SUB AND TOP/BOTTOM]

PSA: Freeuse is about consent

Freeuse (or "free use") is about radical consent. While it is about consenting broadly, it is still absolutely about consent. Even in fictional worlds where sex is seen on about on the same level as handshakes here, it is something people permit, something they consent to.

The Sexual Service Act world is populated with women who chose and continue to choose to be dominated by men. Is that an unlikely reality? Yes. Fiction does not need to be likely.

Their bodies, their choice to give or rescind power over their bodies.

Submissives permit Dom(me)s to have power over them and can revoke it at any time. That's how power play works.

Don't confuse fantasies, fiction, and play with reality. Enjoy all of those things as much as you like, and as deeply or darkly as you like. However...

If you're threatening women and telling them they have no choice over what happens to them in the real world, I am not your friend.

If this post makes you unfollow this blog, stop buying my stories, etc... well, I'll just have to do without you. I'd prefer you understand what I'm saying but I'll just have to hope you figure out a few things someday.

at the risk of losing followers, i just wanted to say that it's a very sad day for me.

my following is 90% middle aged white men, and i hope you all hear me out: i like to fantasize about becoming a sex object, but i'm scared that some of you take it too seriously.

i am first and foremost a young woman. i believe that in addition to being somewhat attractive, i am smart, powerful, and on the same level as my male counterparts. for those of you who actually engage in a misogynistic lifestyle outside of kink, please do not interact with me. that disgusts me.

thank you. 💙

Assuming there are any CNC elements or other Dom controlled mechanisms approved for pushing through a sub’s expressed or body language displayed reluctance within an agreed D/s structure, it is always important for the sub to have some “opt out” safe-word freedoms clearly defined into the structure for times when they are self-harming by having the Dom force them forward when they are not actually engaging in the agreed on energy. A codified “get out of jail free” card if you will. When a submissive has difficulty with resisting the draw emotional self-harm has, safe-wording might be a type of activity you have to consciously and frequently practice in order to normalize a sub’s experience using their safeword amidst a CNC or other pushed through type of scenario.

Practice together in order to figure out the simplest way for a sub to use a safeword so that a Dom can develop trust that a sub will use it. Take the time up front to figure out what that method is because it is absolutely essential where CNC and pressed forward elements are part of the agreed energy.

When a sub doesn’t use a safeword when they should have, then they directly violate the Dom’s trust and undermine not only the enjoyment and success of the experience they are having together, but the entire Dom/sub element of the relationship is damaged because of the trust violation that has occurred, and the emotional callousing the sub develops that makes being present and progressing their enjoyment harder to access.

Not safe-wording functionally imposes a role of abuser on the Dom which by default is happening without the Dom’s consent. It is an act of self-harm for a sub to not honor a Dom/sub safeword agreement, and it is an act of relationship harm, as well.

So, what does practice look like?

Well, it is really just like other trust and relationship building exercises. Pick something very comfortable for you both AND pick a type of derailment that is obvious. For example, let’s pretend for this example that you are both comfortable with spanking, but maybe you both have a soft limit against drawing blood. A soft limit without permission to use it as a fantasy either, because that means you can discuss it outside of an scenario/experience, but you are supposed to not do it or bring it up as part of a scenario. For this exercise you are going to agree (before the scenario) that you u are going to use these specifically to practice using the safeword.

So you have a scenario (spanking) and intention set (overt practice of sub safewording)

The Dom does their best to spank the sub in a way that aligns with normal enjoyment of the spanking. Then, the Dom does their best to be believable in their prompting to get you to safeword. Maybe they increase the severity within normal limits in a way that wouldn’t in itself trigger a safeword at all, but still a marked increase in stroke severity. Along with maybe the second stroke at that severity they say, “Do you know when I’ll be done spanking your sexy little ass?” and then follow up whatever your reply is with “No… I’ll be done when I’ve cum all over your belt bloodied ass cheeks,” or some other appropriately escalated COMMENT (not actually bloodying the sub, just talking about doing it) that breaks both of the partners’ soft limit rules. This then should immediately trigger the sub safewording.

Again, that is just an example. Practice should follow that same general template, but should vary in circumstances some so that the practice becomes flexibly used. A Dom can also practice safewording with the sub using examples of scenarios where they might be engaging in self-harming via allowing a Dom to push them forward when they should have stopped. Demonstrating the body language requires self awareness and contemplative action toward it by the sub, and it is an instructive practice that a sub should be able to enact for a scenario where it is spelled out ahead by using a Dom pushed activity that isn’t a limit violation but otherwise is engaged the same way as the other example. Except instead of the sub safewording the sub goes along with it and displays one of the discussed body language elements that a Dom should pick up on for a Dom to safeword. This same practice can be used for sub body language that might just call for a yellow safeword check-in rather than a full stop red safeword. Etc…

Practice is what builds trust and this is the starting point where D/s practitioners should begin their journey together. Revisit it from time to time.

Good submissives seek out and listen carefully to whatever things make their partners happy (and their cocks hard.) They learn to excitedly let obedience to the cravings that their partners have become the focus of their own arousal.

Letting it fill the full horizon of your mind is the nature of the experience a submissive should always strive for. Develop your arousal entirely within service to your Dominant partner’s preferred kinks.

Of course, in a healthy BDSM relationship the Dominant partner is also attentive to your interests and sexual triggers and will shape their own cravings by using YOUR sexual energy as an essential ingredient. This should at times be so deeply entwined together that the submissive cannot differentiate easily which energy and kinks belonged originally to the Dominant partner or to them. This blending and loss of self awareness is often a necessary element of healthy “relationship subdrop.”

Relationship supdrop is the idea that simply spending time being present within the relationship’s energy is a step into subdrop. This is the very first stage of development for a 24/7 D/s relationship.

The two partners at some point or another might simply look at each other and realize that their energy extends so deeply into each other that sometimes, oftentimes, it can be hard to see life as being anything else.

Begin in a place that deeply appeals to a sub to facilitate subdrop’s first stages and then any escalations into subspace makes it possible to introduce other harder to process kinks and also sexual elements of service to the Dominant’s preferences that would have met resistance if introduced at the wrong time. In this way the fact that they are the Dominant’s preferences becomes lost. Remember, as a submissive your primary focus is to fill your horizon with service to and arousal from your Dominant’s kinks and preferences. Once enmeshed in the elevation of an experience whatever the Dominant introduces, if done skillfully, will truly feel like it was a kink you held hidden away deep inside of you all along. In truth, given the interconnected reality of our existence using this tool to access the interpersonal psychology of your relationship with your partner is completely understandable.

My favorite thing about introducing edging and denial is the predictability of the events that follow:

You’re in utter disbelief that someone would actually deny an orgasm.

Then comes the anger and frustration. How dare someone try to keep you from your orgasm! Perhaps some attitude will need correcting at this stage.

Soon you’ll be begging. Bartering. Negotiating. Trying anything to prove that you deserve that orgasm.

Maybe you’ll cry when you finally realize that it’s truly out of your control. You have no influence. Your body and its pleasure are no longer a priority or even relevant to the conversation.

And when kept denied, you’ll realize: you’re better without an orgasm. You’re a better sub, better plaything, better toy. You’re more obedient. Your partner knows what you need better than you, and you realize they were right: you don’t need to orgasm.

Then the addiction starts.

The neediness in your body settles as a new default state of being… you would feel empty without it. Directionless.

And suddenly, the same sub who said they could *never* handle be denied is confessing that being told no feels better than being allowed to orgasm.