PSA: Freeuse Is About Consent

Master accepts your gift.

Dominance and Depression

When getting out of bed, cleaning the house, and paying the bills are unbearable chores, being responsible for another human being’s welfare can feel like a crushing burden. A Dominant who lives with depression may at times feel weak, irresponsible, no match for the task of even showing up to the job, nevermind exerting the effort and strength required to be the submissive’s rock and shelter. Depression creates unique challenges for the relationship, and will test the strength and patience of both Dominant and submissive. Only by working together can the couple maintain their bond and fulfill their roles.

Here are a few observations and bits of wisdom I’ve gleaned from capable sources, as well as from my own time in the trenches.

Your mental health is your responsibility. Yes, your partner should support you in every way possible and make all efforts to help you through the rough patches. But no one can cure you. No one can save you. No one can carry the burden for you. Take your meds. Talk to your therapist. Keep your appointments. And when you feel like doing nothing but lying in bed and hiding from the world, remember that you are a Dominant, you are strong, you are your own light. Throw off those covers and leap out of bed.

Tell your submissive what you need. This is often exceedingly difficult, because you may not have a clue what you need. But make every effort to keep those lines of communication open. During your lowest times, your submissive may feel lost and unsure without your usual guidance and strength. Assure them that you love them still, that this depression is in no way a reflection on them, and give them tasks that will allow them to do what most drives them: pleasing you

Submissives, this is your opportunity to step up and show your quality. Pleasing your Dominant is your purpose and goal in this relationship. Keep to your daily rituals and rules as much as possible. Remind your owner that you belong to them, that you love them with all your heart, and that they are not alone in the darkness. Do those things that usually please them, without waiting to be told. And above all, be available, and be patient. They will come back to you. You just have to turn on the light for them to find their way home.

Depression can sap all of your strength and motivation. It can make you doubt everyone and everything. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You’re not suffering from depression; you are living with it. You are not a victim; you are a survivor. When the darkness settles around you like an impenetrable fog, remember the steel you’re made of and the be empowered by the worship of the one who loves you above all others. Get up. Wake up. Arise, O lions, and shake off the delusion that you are sheep.

Choosing Obedience can have many reasons. Making your partner (“Daddy” honorific in the above case) proud is a very common reason, although there are others. Whatever motivates you, Obedience in a BDSM relationship is only possible from a starting position of equality. This is the relevance of feminism in BDSM. No person can truly submit their power to another if they did not start from a position of equality.

The current wave of anti-feminism in “bdsm” blogs isn’t BDSM at all. It is just a self aggrandizing abuse fantasy, almost universally advanced by men with a sadism fetish and no real world way to explore their want for a relationship of any kind. Their fantasy and loneliness leads them to self-delude that they can espouse a philosophy of abusing a person into submission. They delusionally think they can coerce and/or threaten a person sufficiently to create a relationship that is rewarding to them. They’re criminally violent in their abuse fantasies and there’s no place for them in this society except in a therapist’s office.

While the state of abuser blogs remains such a high concentration, there really is no place for the public display of any undisclaimed anti-feminism kink in public facing spaces like Tumblr.

Feminism means that every woman has an intrinsic right to choose any kind of sexual energy that she wants for herself in her life.

Choosing IS feminism.

Why are we cursed with such an ignorant population of men so desperate to control women that they reveal their stupidity on the topic of women with such relentless enthusiasm…

Porn is a very good tool to use as the basis of discussion about kinks. It is important to remember that women in our society are conditioned to think that what you are showing them is about what they need to look like and not the behavior or energy being exhibited. This is a common misunderstanding and can create a lot of unnecessary difficulties for communication based on porn images / clips.

Sometimes the appearance is the point or an element of the point, but where that is the case it should be specifically made the focus. So, if appearance isn’t the point, be very specific about the fact that the women in the porn’s appearance is not the point. Be clear about this, even to the point of absurdity because the depth of this assumption is extremely difficult for a lot of women to overcome even with support and intentional direction. This can even manifest to the degree that they might not believe that this isn’t the real point of what you are showing them.

fellas, this is your reminder to send her all your favorite p0rn videos so she can take notes on what your expectations are for her

I feel frequently compelled to explain this, and I let it go almost always when it crosses my feed, but… here we are.

Feminism is the engine by which the choice is made. Choosing to be a submissive, in this case an object of male attention and pleasure, is a choice that can only be made from a position of inherent equality. That state never actually leaves and as such it is always revocable.

A woman who has chosen to submit is a Feminist and is practicing feminism in her life.

A woman is entitled to experience whatever energy in her life and relationships that she wants to experience. Feminism is simply the inherent truth of her equality and power to make whatever choices she wants to make.

You can either spread feminism or spread your legs. Once you choose one option, the other vanishes forever

Choose wisely

Anyone who is not a feminist is not practicing Dominance and submission.

Feminism (the understanding that all people are inherently entitled to equal rights and justice) is the ONLY mechanism by which a woman can participate in submission. Without a starting point of mutually recognized equality a woman is not capable of exercising submission, and she has only the ability to accept and accommodate her own abuse at the hands of someone who (it seems most commonly) was incapable of earning her actual submission.

Only poorly informed people promote or support one person having an innate and unearned right to hold power over another person.

I’m so happy I finally made a tumblr for accepting my place. I used to just look at so many good accounts but never follow, but I couldn’t stop looking. I’m still learning what I like and still consider myself a feminist I appreciate any help!

The negotiations for what a sub wants really are the starting point for discussions.

Does the sub want to be owned?

How often do they want their state of being owned to be presented into their daily lives?

What nuances do they prefer for their own direct pleasure and what do they accept for the pleasure of their owner?

What does the sub need to experience and how often do they need to experience it for the ownership arrangement to be a fulfilling interest?

Do they want to derive their own direct or indirect pleasure from what they do for their owner’s pleasure? How often? In what mix of each? Is it every time they perform an act for his pleasure? Never? Half the time? Etc.

When they are not receiving direct pleasure how do they want to be made to feel while servicing their owner’s pleasure? Does feeling safe or feeling scared matter? Does feeling appreciated or discardable matter? Does feeling praised or denigrated matter?

Does experiencing certain traditionally “negative” social elements of service give them indirect pleasure such as feelings of objectification/degradation/humiliation/meanness/abuse etc… Do they require simultaneously supportive elements from your owner?

Aftercare is essential for both owners and submissives. Aftercare establishes a return to the relationship’s underlying grounding point. The neutral place where care for each other is the essential truth and from which each of you understands the roles you are choosing to play and can speak about them honestly.

Discovering what areas of life are and are not subject to ownership and submission is part of the journey. Sometimes there are things that you’ll want to add or remove. Trying things for a while and then shifting them to suit your goals as your experience grows and changes together is one of the most essential pleasures of practicing BDSM.

When I say I want to be a submissive little wife, this is what I mean:

I want to be talked down to, humiliated and babied.

I want to ask permission, be told no and have my wants controlled by my husband.

I want to be scolded and corrected and told how to behave.

I want to be put over my man’s lap and spanked like a child until I beg and cry.

I want to be owned and obedient in every sense.

I want to be his, to use and shape however he wants.

Healthy relationships do not call for self abandonment, they are a unity of two individual people.