The Negotiations For What A Sub Wants Really Are The Starting Point For Discussions.

PSA:

The various found content that people repost onto their blogs will be used by me as a writing prompt. I do this commonly as a way to randomly/spontaneously generate and write down some of my own random thoughts.

I write for my own self reflective benefit and purpose.

Don’t try to make yourself the center of my attention simply because I reblogged something you posted (specifically when it is not your own actual content) and then added my own thoughts.

Unless you are my partner, you are 100% irrelevant - in every way - to what I am writing and why I am writing it.

If I write something and it offends your shallow skim on a topic, that’s a you issue. Entirely. Simply block me. Whatever drama you are craving isn’t going to manifest here in any way other than me blocking you.

The real journey begins when you accept that many of your daily life’s elements are secondary traits of your life.

You are a submissive who has a job as a ______.

You are a submissive who lives at ________.

You are a submissive who married _________.

You are a submissive who does ________ for recreation and exercise.

Etc… etc…

You can of course choose things that take precedence. Like, you are a mother, sister, friend, wife, etc… but the truth is that the higher you elevate your own self understanding to reflect that you are a submissive above other things, the more enjoyable your life will be and the less you will have to think about how your life as a submissive fits in with the rest of your life and rather to witness how all of your other life activities are an extension of who you are as a submissive.

The clarity of this, regardless of how you ultimately balance it, is essential.

What most men don't understand is that "ruining you" means doing so for other men. Fucking and caring for you so very well that your expectations for how you are to be treated now exceed the abilities of any other who would even think to pursue you.

Healthy relationships do not call for self abandonment, they are a unity of two individual people.

“There is a very pure freedom to be found in complete submission.”

Something I commonly see that isn’t explained with enough frequency is hypnokink and adjacent ideas regarding the “blank” mind-state.

There are a variety of approaches to subspace, subdrop, and the practices that make those elements more accessible. One of the most common is the idea of some form of letting go of the entrapments of one’s day-to day anxieties and social demands. The “ego-death” pathway that is part of self-development pathways such as mindfulness, contemplative engagement, and other growth practices.

Some practitioners extoll the benefits of substance use to facilitate the rigidity relaxing state through things like alcohol, but alcohol creates a set of problems related to self-esteem reduction and being an intrinsic obstacle to personal ownership of one’s subspace/subdrop experiences and practices.

More healthy, helpful, and sustainable are the self-discipline based practices that support access to subspace as part of a healthy personal growth and development practices like meditation, repetition, and dedication.

For most there is an external support structure preferred either because it has proven to be needed due to one obstacle or another. Maybe self-discipline is the challenge or it could be that intrusive thoughts make a totally solo-practice too difficult to initiate. A myriad of reasons can make a solo practice challenging, including those and other examples or even simply because the enjoyment is tethered to being partnered in the pursuit and practice. (We are social creatures after all.)

Understanding that you have an obstacle and need a path that manages and supports your practice in overcoming it is an essential part of doing the work.

That gets us back around to an oft overlooked aspect of the work with an external source of assistance. Whether it is a Dom/sub relationship partner or a generically presented/broadcast blog poster, etc… an external source will often guide you to a state of “mindlessness.” Being “blank.” Or other reductionist place.

The idea here being that just like when you take a breath, there is always a paused and potentiated space between the inward and the outward breaths. A blank moment at every peak and valley where all things are possible while no thing is being actuated. A channel of potential for any thing. This is a mindless space where nothing fills the horizon and every thing remains still and filled with potential.

Holding that space is a practice. Accepting another’s guidance (whether with your intention, their intention, or a negotiated intention developed by you both) is a practice.

Accessing subspace and/or subdrop is only made easier and deeper through conscious participation in some form of practice that supports it.

Some kinks fetishize a submissive remaining in some element of that state or a directly adjacent state. For example: “bimbo,” “pet,” or “doll” objectification kinks overtly reduce a person into this state and leave them there as they become a channel for service. A “Bimbo” kink might commonly combine the channel with hyper accentuated happiness from the simplicity of not being burdened with responsibilities beyond being a Bimbo. A “Pet” kink might commonly combine the channel with hyper accentuated enthusiasm for service and/or a need for training. A “Doll” kink might hyper accentuate ability to remain deeply in the channel itself. (I present these as common but not exclusive examples.)

Suspension of disbelief is another element that supports access to the channel. You allow yourself full belief that you DO deserve that punishment. That you SHOULD be given that belt spanking. That you ARE excited about being a cumdump. That you WILL be happier while being displayed in a tiny little dress. That you DO want strangers to grope you on the dance floor. That greeting guests on your knees and offering them your mouth IS the best way to host a party. That you ARE a good girl if you swallow. That your wet pussy IS consent. That obedience IS the pathway to your personal pleasure. Etc… In suspension of disbelief or any other practice like this where societal norms, self esteem challenges, intrusive thoughts, or other obstacles get in the way of accessing that state of belief there is a bridge needed. The bridge is that pause between breaths. That channel in between what is currently occurring and what will be occurring after the bridge is traversed. Practicing access to the channel will identify the best ways for you and your obstacles to find your way to the channel.

One more item I’d like to discuss is Hypno-kink which also engages the elements of this bridge to a mindless/blank channel while accentuating an adjacent consensual non-consent element. It is a practice where suspension of disbelief is something you empower to be activated by another person on your behalf.

For many, the mindless space is not the end goal, but a transitional space one passes through on their way from one mental state (where it may be difficult to self direct into a subspace channel) into another mental state where subspace is actualized. This is the nature of the adjacent kinks being prevalent elements that accompany this part of a bdsm practice.

It is important to understand that being a feminist simply means that a woman implicitly starts from a position of equality. Some women will then use that position of equality to choose to give some elements of their power over to a man. In the case of female submission this (a starting point of equality and the choice to give power to another) is in fact the only path to actual female submission. The narrative of intrinsic female inferiority is the narrative of weak and incompetent men who cannot earn the gift of a woman’s power.

I'm a feminist but...

(reblog and complete)

One more time,

Feminism is the inherent truth that any woman who wishes to submit to a man has the right to do so and that she has an inherent, constant control over the state of that consent.

Anyone who pretends Feminism isn’t the platform on which consent is built is simply an abuser incapable of earning the consent of a woman’s submission.

Tumblr blogs are a public facing platform that is not an in-community space, and it is important (especially in today’s world of glorifying the idiocy of small men’s misogyny resulting from their inherent lack of competency and self development as men) that more effort be put into establishing a framework for successful community rather than solely exercising the escapism of in-community sexual fantasies.

Oftentimes it is necessary for a submissive to find the point in their daily life identity, where it breaks apart so that they can be free of it.

This is generally experienced by the submissive as a/the starting point of the exploration of their submission.

Because this has to happen EVERY time they transition from daily-life-space into subspace, it is important to consistently answer frequently practice things that make the transition faster and easier.

Having specific activities (that are consented to in advance for maintenance) as activating triggers that their Dominant partner can control becomes an essential part of the submissive’s needed energy demands. Without it, finding one’s way into subspace is often encountered as a daunting or even impossible thing to achieve.

The essential key is having a consistent practice where consent and power is given over to the dominant partner to enforce for the purpose of maintenance. Maintenance to the access path into subspace. Not every maintenance event requires that subspace be reached, only that the energy of the pathway is being maintained in consistent, frequent, specific, and incremental ways.

The sub’s essential responsibility is to support letting their mind move toward or along the path of their submission. The path where down it lies more and more elements of their subspace. That is what they are to do during all of these maintenance events. That’s all. That is the whole point and full scope of the basic responsibility. Every maintenance activity should be chosen specifically to support this specific purpose.

Emptying away the daily-life-space from what fills the mind is the most common part of a maintenance practice. The specific verbal trappings / signs / systems / lexicon, etc… that support you in breaking that apart so you can move through it onto the path of your subspace will vary from person to person and sometimes from one activity to another, or vary between repetitions of the same activity.

Give Grace and allow the language and trappings not to become an obstacle. The deeper point is more important than the words used to describe it. Try your best to navigate around the words and let them go when the wrong ones are chosen.

For some submissives or activities it is more important for the language to be bold and for others it needs to be more subtle. For some it needs to be exaggerated/extreme and for others it needs to be more nuanced and realistic.

I will use maintenance spankings as the activity and here are some examples of the language that might be used to separate the daily-life-space from the path toward subspace:

I’m better when I’m empty headed

Spankings wash the day away

Bimbos don’t think

I serve my [Owner]

Brains are for [Owners]

[Focus on breathing and visualizing]

Owner’s [belt] reminds me what I am

Owner’s spankings help me see myself

Etc…

There can be a scenario that goes along with the maintenance spankings. For example, maybe you are perpetually auditioning for the part of your [Owner’s] good girl and Owner spanks you while discussing different, future subspace experiences or tasks to see whether Owner thinks you’d do well in that experience.

Etc…

Whatever it is, remember, the language itself isn’t the point. That the language is something you decided on because you at the time felt it would be supportive of your access to the pathway toward your subspace is the point. Sometimes the language will just be wrong, and that is true even if it worked well the last time. Don’t let yourself get stuck on that when it inevitably happens. Again, a maintenance activity like a spanking isn’t intended to send you into subspace. It could occasionally happen, but that isn’t its purpose.

So, empty your head, precious little one. Your owner has some places to remind you about. Places where your needy and wet. Places where the worship fills you with obedience and craving. Places where the pain becomes pleasure. Places where the disgusting becomes essential. Places where the more degrading humiliating it is the deeper your pleasure. Places where the idea of it coming to an end disappears because time has bent and the whole universe exists in what I allow your tongue to touch.

You are my brave and deeply appreciated wife.

Come, bend over while I begin reminding you of the pleasures that exist because of the focusing stripes of pain my belt brings to your mind.

Let your daily mind space melt away.

Become empty of all those things.

Enjoy the life of an adventurer on the path of your submission, and allow me to lead you on a never ending journey guided by your need to worship at my altar.

Let your mind go.

Your account is so lovely, do you have any recommendations/advice for aftercare specifically suited for after heavy verbal degradation? <3

Hi @sweetsirenmasochist, thank you for the kind words and the question. Aftercare is absolutely essential, so I'm very glad you asked about it.

Aftercare ideally involves a calming intimate comfort and the deconstruction of the roles that the scene's participants were playing. It should make you feel whole and more like yourself. Everyone is different, and I can't tell you what will work best for you and your partner(s), but I can give you questions to ask yourself:

After a scene, what makes you feel loved and appreciated? What helps you feel like yourself instead od character or role you were playing? What are some of the negative feelings your specific kinks can cause you to feel during a subdrop or domdrop (e.g. guilt, insecurity, dissasociation)? When you do have those negative feelings, what helps you combat them and feel better?

Generally, for aftercare the standard recommendation is cleaning each other, cuddling, massages, intimate touching, and reassurance.

I would also recommend gently discussing the scene that just happened, asking each other what worked and was enjoyable, as well as what could have been better and if anything was miscommunicated. This encourages trust and open communication (the key foundation for any dynamic), and builds excitement for future scenes by creating a sense of a constantly improving dynamic. The goal with this type of talk isn't to be critical of each other whatsoever, but should instead be focused on honest emotional communication.

I hope this is at least somewhat helpful, thank you again for your question.