One More Time,

Dominance and Depression

When getting out of bed, cleaning the house, and paying the bills are unbearable chores, being responsible for another human being’s welfare can feel like a crushing burden. A Dominant who lives with depression may at times feel weak, irresponsible, no match for the task of even showing up to the job, nevermind exerting the effort and strength required to be the submissive’s rock and shelter. Depression creates unique challenges for the relationship, and will test the strength and patience of both Dominant and submissive. Only by working together can the couple maintain their bond and fulfill their roles.

Here are a few observations and bits of wisdom I’ve gleaned from capable sources, as well as from my own time in the trenches.

Your mental health is your responsibility. Yes, your partner should support you in every way possible and make all efforts to help you through the rough patches. But no one can cure you. No one can save you. No one can carry the burden for you. Take your meds. Talk to your therapist. Keep your appointments. And when you feel like doing nothing but lying in bed and hiding from the world, remember that you are a Dominant, you are strong, you are your own light. Throw off those covers and leap out of bed.

Tell your submissive what you need. This is often exceedingly difficult, because you may not have a clue what you need. But make every effort to keep those lines of communication open. During your lowest times, your submissive may feel lost and unsure without your usual guidance and strength. Assure them that you love them still, that this depression is in no way a reflection on them, and give them tasks that will allow them to do what most drives them: pleasing you

Submissives, this is your opportunity to step up and show your quality. Pleasing your Dominant is your purpose and goal in this relationship. Keep to your daily rituals and rules as much as possible. Remind your owner that you belong to them, that you love them with all your heart, and that they are not alone in the darkness. Do those things that usually please them, without waiting to be told. And above all, be available, and be patient. They will come back to you. You just have to turn on the light for them to find their way home.

Depression can sap all of your strength and motivation. It can make you doubt everyone and everything. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You’re not suffering from depression; you are living with it. You are not a victim; you are a survivor. When the darkness settles around you like an impenetrable fog, remember the steel you’re made of and the be empowered by the worship of the one who loves you above all others. Get up. Wake up. Arise, O lions, and shake off the delusion that you are sheep.

Oftentimes it is necessary for a submissive to find the point in their daily life identity, where it breaks apart so that they can be free of it.

This is generally experienced by the submissive as a/the starting point of the exploration of their submission.

Because this has to happen EVERY time they transition from daily-life-space into subspace, it is important to consistently answer frequently practice things that make the transition faster and easier.

Having specific activities (that are consented to in advance for maintenance) as activating triggers that their Dominant partner can control becomes an essential part of the submissive’s needed energy demands. Without it, finding one’s way into subspace is often encountered as a daunting or even impossible thing to achieve.

The essential key is having a consistent practice where consent and power is given over to the dominant partner to enforce for the purpose of maintenance. Maintenance to the access path into subspace. Not every maintenance event requires that subspace be reached, only that the energy of the pathway is being maintained in consistent, frequent, specific, and incremental ways.

The sub’s essential responsibility is to support letting their mind move toward or along the path of their submission. The path where down it lies more and more elements of their subspace. That is what they are to do during all of these maintenance events. That’s all. That is the whole point and full scope of the basic responsibility. Every maintenance activity should be chosen specifically to support this specific purpose.

Emptying away the daily-life-space from what fills the mind is the most common part of a maintenance practice. The specific verbal trappings / signs / systems / lexicon, etc… that support you in breaking that apart so you can move through it onto the path of your subspace will vary from person to person and sometimes from one activity to another, or vary between repetitions of the same activity.

Give Grace and allow the language and trappings not to become an obstacle. The deeper point is more important than the words used to describe it. Try your best to navigate around the words and let them go when the wrong ones are chosen.

For some submissives or activities it is more important for the language to be bold and for others it needs to be more subtle. For some it needs to be exaggerated/extreme and for others it needs to be more nuanced and realistic.

I will use maintenance spankings as the activity and here are some examples of the language that might be used to separate the daily-life-space from the path toward subspace:

I’m better when I’m empty headed

Spankings wash the day away

Bimbos don’t think

I serve my [Owner]

Brains are for [Owners]

[Focus on breathing and visualizing]

Owner’s [belt] reminds me what I am

Owner’s spankings help me see myself

Etc…

There can be a scenario that goes along with the maintenance spankings. For example, maybe you are perpetually auditioning for the part of your [Owner’s] good girl and Owner spanks you while discussing different, future subspace experiences or tasks to see whether Owner thinks you’d do well in that experience.

Etc…

Whatever it is, remember, the language itself isn’t the point. That the language is something you decided on because you at the time felt it would be supportive of your access to the pathway toward your subspace is the point. Sometimes the language will just be wrong, and that is true even if it worked well the last time. Don’t let yourself get stuck on that when it inevitably happens. Again, a maintenance activity like a spanking isn’t intended to send you into subspace. It could occasionally happen, but that isn’t its purpose.

So, empty your head, precious little one. Your owner has some places to remind you about. Places where your needy and wet. Places where the worship fills you with obedience and craving. Places where the pain becomes pleasure. Places where the disgusting becomes essential. Places where the more degrading humiliating it is the deeper your pleasure. Places where the idea of it coming to an end disappears because time has bent and the whole universe exists in what I allow your tongue to touch.

You are my brave and deeply appreciated wife.

Come, bend over while I begin reminding you of the pleasures that exist because of the focusing stripes of pain my belt brings to your mind.

Let your daily mind space melt away.

Become empty of all those things.

Enjoy the life of an adventurer on the path of your submission, and allow me to lead you on a never ending journey guided by your need to worship at my altar.

Let your mind go.

When it comes to implements, it is important to not only identify what you do and don’t like about them, but to then clearly articulate those details to your partner(s).

A reminder from the therapy couch: just because you’re a service submissive does not mean you should pour out your cup completely and never replenish it. You do both your Dominant and yourself a disservice by disinvesting in your wellbeing.

Is it really, really gross and outside of many sub’s boundaries to be used as an ashtray?

Absolutely.

However, that isn’t the point of presenting this video as an instructional example.

This is an extremely good video for EVERY sub to watch on repeat as part of understanding what processing looks like.

There are a lot of kinds of processing, but processing disgust is one of the most important because disgust is one of the top obstacles a submissive is likely to face along their path of growth and development. (Pain processing, jealousy processing, humiliation processing, degradation processing, self acceptance processing, and obedience processing are a few of the other obstacle strewn areas where growth through processing is required for success.

This video/scenario gets to the very heart of a purposeful D/s practice. As a Dominant, I find watching a submissive accept their Dominant’s guidance and to then process through a difficult obstacle successfully to be incredibly arousing.

If your disgust reaction is too strong, you may need to watch it and desensitize until you can overcome your disgust and clearly see the power she manifests as she processes through being an ashtray. Dominants, watch the way he supports her through patience and clear communication. You can hear in his tone that he believes in her ability to focus her power and succeed.

This is what healthy D/s practice looks like. Study it and communicate with each other about how to accomplish this sort of processing success for the obstacles that challenge you in your path.

My good girl, my ashtray, I'm going to smoke my Cuban cigar, open your mouth, I don't want to see a tear fall, the consequences could be much worse, and remember to always thank me 🖤

[THIS USER UNDERSTANDS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOM/SUB AND TOP/BOTTOM]

First… This is a fantastic fantasy. I think this fantasy amazing.

—-

However, I think it is important to occasionally address and explain the differences between fantasy and actual BDSM practice.

Given the “regular world” facing nature of Tumblr (this is not occurring in a closed community setting where everyone understands the nature of kink and feminism’s role in it.) I do feel compelled to occasionally use a fantasy post as an opportunity to explain things to the regular public facing world.

Feminism (the inherent state of equality between all people regardless of gender) is the basic mechanism for all actual BDSM practices.

It is only from the state of equality that any person can choose to experience a “lesser” position in relation to their partner(s). Any other activity is abuse and is not any form of actual Dominance and submission.

Having a fantasy about abuse is absolutely normal. Fantasies are an important element of determining what types of practice to pursue.

Turning a fantasy about abuse into an actual sexual practice, however, requires everyone’s understanding that the person submitting is equal in all ways, and will always be equal to the Dominant. What is being agreed to is a suspension of disbelief, where the submissive and the Dominant are able to set aside that reality of equality and practice within an alternate agreed upon energy exchange structure instead.

The submissive can always end this at any time and for any reason.

Fantasy is the fuel for choosing a practice. Then you get to enjoy practices where you explore living inside the fantasies.

I need a male friend who only see me as an object. He would start slow training me, at first just simple touches on my shoulders or brushing my arms, then progressing further and further the more i get used to. Pushing into my butt from behind when i bend down “as a joke”, “accidentally” brushing his hands against my chest, making more and more suggestive comments regarding my body and clothing. Until he eventually conditions me into being a cock whore for him and all his friends as the mock me for once thinking woman and men are equal and once believing in stupid things like feminism.

This is the type of empty headed misogyny that shows is so clearly why it is important to educate about how feminism is among the most important topics of our day.

I consider myself a feminist but I can stop feeling good every time my boss screams at me worse if he explains to me something so basic. He is not like that with the guys at the office so I should be angry but I can only imagine him taking me to his office and spank me, using me like a doll telling me that's the only thing I can do right. I would even like that he spank me in a meeting in front of everyone after something I did wrong or forgot to do

I love seeing little feminists admit just what needy helpless cumdumps they are. Give them anonymity and they're never feminists anymore.

What most men don't understand is that "ruining you" means doing so for other men. Fucking and caring for you so very well that your expectations for how you are to be treated now exceed the abilities of any other who would even think to pursue you.