Is It Really, Really Gross And Outside Of Many Sub’s Boundaries To Be Used As An Ashtray?

The real journey begins when you accept that many of your daily life’s elements are secondary traits of your life.

You are a submissive who has a job as a ______.

You are a submissive who lives at ________.

You are a submissive who married _________.

You are a submissive who does ________ for recreation and exercise.

Etc… etc…

You can of course choose things that take precedence. Like, you are a mother, sister, friend, wife, etc… but the truth is that the higher you elevate your own self understanding to reflect that you are a submissive above other things, the more enjoyable your life will be and the less you will have to think about how your life as a submissive fits in with the rest of your life and rather to witness how all of your other life activities are an extension of who you are as a submissive.

The clarity of this, regardless of how you ultimately balance it, is essential.

In a consensual experience, wanting to receive slaps and degradation like this is anyone’s right to choose.

It isn’t for everyone, and that is ok.

If it is something YOU want and like, that is nobody’s business but your own.

You are entitled to pursue a consensual and satisfying sex life with partners who support your kinks and preferences.

If you want to be slapped, it is ok to want that.

If you want to be spit on, it is ok to want that.

If you want to be degraded, it is ok to want that.

Having consensual sexual experiences that speak to your own erotic compass is always ok for you to pursue.

Learn to take ownership of your erotic identity and have some kinky fun. This is not a dress rehearsal.

Enjoy your life.

Learn that even if you don’t feel aroused, your wet pussy is giving you an easy opportunity to follow the path to it. Good girls use their wet pussy to chase arousal and their arousal to chase their wet pussy.

Sometimes obedience needs to be enforced for the betterment of the female. Behavior is learned.

That's Right vs Yes, And

We talk about how hypnotists do best when they take from improv, but I want to talk a little bit about the hypnosis equivalent of "yes, and."

"That's right" and other affirmative phrases are our catch-all tool for this. Utilization -- when we take what is offered from our subjects -- is critical to hypnosis, and "that's right" doesn't just tell them that they're doing a good job. It says "I see your response, I'm paying attention, and you're responding perfectly."

That's the "yes" part. The "and" part is the other half of utilization: all responses the subject gives us are useful to hypnosis.

When your partner sighs in trance, you can tell them about how sighing is a kind of unconscious release, that their body is priming them to sink deeper.

When your partner smiles at something you say, you can tell them that smiling instinctively floods their body with positive feelings, and maybe they'll smile bigger, and that will even develop into a laugh, or helpless giggling that will empty out their brain.

The main formula for attentive and creative hypnosis like this is "affirm, then suggest." Pace, and lead. Tell you that you see and accept their responses, and build on it.

"Yes, and." And it's built in for us!

We Don’t Want To Choose

Being a a man who wants to choke a woman on your cock, and also pull out her chair is not contradictory. Drying her tears when she burns dinner, and wanting to beat her ass with a paddle until she cries, are not contradictory. It’s okay to care about her favorite book, what happened at work, and why she thinks she doesn’t deserve that new sweater. It’s also okay to enjoy that whimpering sound she makes when you pull her hair, and want to smear her makeup with your cock while she edges herself for you. You can hold her when she stubs her toe, and still want to fuck her ass so hard she begs you to stop.

These are the men masochists crave. Men who understand that caring, loving, and tenderness are not weakness. Men who are also not afraid they will break us. Who know that we can be both strong and vulnerable. Men who satisfy our needs and give life to our dark desires. We don’t want to choose. Masochists are greedy, and we want both.

Only idiots and abusers fail to support feminism.

Idiots because they fail to understand it and abusers because they’re too incompetent to actually earn a woman’s trust.

Feminism is THE one and only mechanism by which actual submission is possible. When you argue against this fact you reveal very clearly whether you are an idiot or an abuser, or (as is oftentimes the case) both.

Let me make this perfectly clear

Am I deep down a feminist who just has kinky fantasies? 

NO! 

I reject that shit completely.  

Equality is an absurd lie.  Women should only worry about supporting and pleasing Men.  

Our job is to cook, clean, lick, suck, suffer and bear children.  We will lick your ass and drink your piss, but PLEASE do not try to treat us as equals!  

Ladies, who is with me on this? 

Assuming there are any CNC elements or other Dom controlled mechanisms approved for pushing through a sub’s expressed or body language displayed reluctance within an agreed D/s structure, it is always important for the sub to have some “opt out” safe-word freedoms clearly defined into the structure for times when they are self-harming by having the Dom force them forward when they are not actually engaging in the agreed on energy. A codified “get out of jail free” card if you will. When a submissive has difficulty with resisting the draw emotional self-harm has, safe-wording might be a type of activity you have to consciously and frequently practice in order to normalize a sub’s experience using their safeword amidst a CNC or other pushed through type of scenario.

Practice together in order to figure out the simplest way for a sub to use a safeword so that a Dom can develop trust that a sub will use it. Take the time up front to figure out what that method is because it is absolutely essential where CNC and pressed forward elements are part of the agreed energy.

When a sub doesn’t use a safeword when they should have, then they directly violate the Dom’s trust and undermine not only the enjoyment and success of the experience they are having together, but the entire Dom/sub element of the relationship is damaged because of the trust violation that has occurred, and the emotional callousing the sub develops that makes being present and progressing their enjoyment harder to access.

Not safe-wording functionally imposes a role of abuser on the Dom which by default is happening without the Dom’s consent. It is an act of self-harm for a sub to not honor a Dom/sub safeword agreement, and it is an act of relationship harm, as well.

So, what does practice look like?

Well, it is really just like other trust and relationship building exercises. Pick something very comfortable for you both AND pick a type of derailment that is obvious. For example, let’s pretend for this example that you are both comfortable with spanking, but maybe you both have a soft limit against drawing blood. A soft limit without permission to use it as a fantasy either, because that means you can discuss it outside of an scenario/experience, but you are supposed to not do it or bring it up as part of a scenario. For this exercise you are going to agree (before the scenario) that you u are going to use these specifically to practice using the safeword.

So you have a scenario (spanking) and intention set (overt practice of sub safewording)

The Dom does their best to spank the sub in a way that aligns with normal enjoyment of the spanking. Then, the Dom does their best to be believable in their prompting to get you to safeword. Maybe they increase the severity within normal limits in a way that wouldn’t in itself trigger a safeword at all, but still a marked increase in stroke severity. Along with maybe the second stroke at that severity they say, “Do you know when I’ll be done spanking your sexy little ass?” and then follow up whatever your reply is with “No… I’ll be done when I’ve cum all over your belt bloodied ass cheeks,” or some other appropriately escalated COMMENT (not actually bloodying the sub, just talking about doing it) that breaks both of the partners’ soft limit rules. This then should immediately trigger the sub safewording.

Again, that is just an example. Practice should follow that same general template, but should vary in circumstances some so that the practice becomes flexibly used. A Dom can also practice safewording with the sub using examples of scenarios where they might be engaging in self-harming via allowing a Dom to push them forward when they should have stopped. Demonstrating the body language requires self awareness and contemplative action toward it by the sub, and it is an instructive practice that a sub should be able to enact for a scenario where it is spelled out ahead by using a Dom pushed activity that isn’t a limit violation but otherwise is engaged the same way as the other example. Except instead of the sub safewording the sub goes along with it and displays one of the discussed body language elements that a Dom should pick up on for a Dom to safeword. This same practice can be used for sub body language that might just call for a yellow safeword check-in rather than a full stop red safeword. Etc…

Practice is what builds trust and this is the starting point where D/s practitioners should begin their journey together. Revisit it from time to time.

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Glad to see many of these are still working links.

BDSM Links And Resources

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

If you have anything to add, please don’t hesitate to let me know and I will update this list, in particular if there any books that a submissive might find helpful or informative, as most of the books I have read or included are intended for Dominants.

Note: For the sake of consistency and readability, I have used capitals throughout this document and have not used lower case when referring to submissives or slaves.

Websites:

Babygirls ‘n’ Daddy Doms: Website dedicated to littles, babygirls and Daddy Doms, with a lot of useful information on the subject.

Collarme: A free BDSM dating website and community, that is probably the most popular and a better option than the commercial alternatives.

DS Arts: Academy of DS Arts, fairly self explanatory.

Evil Monk: Ambrosio’s BDSM Website, featuring many useful articles.

Fetlife: An online BDSM community that I would highly recommend and which is perhaps best described as Facebook for the kinky, allowing users to create a profile, publish photos or writing and join interest groups where you can ask questions.

Kink Academy: An online resource with many educational and instructional videos on various aspects of BDSM, although users must pay a small fee to access all of the content.

Submissive Guide: As the name suggests, this is an online resource for submissives.

The Iron Gate: A general BDSM online resource, with many aticles, essays and even stories on the subject.

Dating and Relationships:

10 Principles For Healthy 24/7 D/s And M/s (Source: sexgeek.wordpress.com)

Difference of Dynamics in BDSM (Source: the-little-kitten.tumblr.com)

Finding Your Dominant (Source: asubmissivesjourney.com)

How To Find A Partner (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 3 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

So You Want Your Boyfriend To Dominate You (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate Her (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

The Unfortunate But Common Misconceptions About DD/lg Relationships (Source: a-lolitas-life.tumblr.com)

Play:

Consent Is Mandatory And Non-Negotiable (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

Food Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

Initial Steps Into Orgasm on Command Training (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Rules and Tasks for Building Confidence (Source: themostdangerousplaything.tumblr.com)

Tools of Consent in BDSM (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Training in D/s - Why? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - How? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - Thoughts And Concerns (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Wax Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

Safety:

Basics Of Safe, Sane And Consensual Power Exchange (Source: Molly Devon / the-iron-gate.com)

Common Sense (Source: Sean R. Powell / the-iron-gate.com)

Emotional Safety (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Offline/Online BDSM Safety Rules (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Ouch Is Not A Safe Word: Safe Words, Limits, and Scene Protocol (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Rules For Meeting Strangers (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Safewords and Safesigns 101 (Source: kinkology.tumblr.com)

S.S.C. VS R.A.C.K. (Source: Justin Medlin / the-iron-gate.com)

Checklists, Communication and Negotiation:

BDSM Play Partner Check List (Source: Sovereign House / the-iron-gate.com)

BDSM Scene Negotiations (Source: daddyvinnie.tumblr.com)

Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Communication (Source: submissivesupportgroup.tumblr.com)

If I Ever See Another Checklist I Will Scream: An Extremely Thorough Play Checklist (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Negotiation Forms (Source: Jay Wiseman, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction / greenerypress.com)

What Are Negotiations Good For? (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare:

Aftercare for submissives (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Dominants (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Switches (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Emergency Self-Administered Aftercare (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Sub Drop (Source: David Williams / subshelpingsubs.tripod.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare (Source: desires-of-a-domimant-man.tumblr.com)

Dominance and Dominants:

A Dominant is NOT… (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dom (Source: Washington Sexuality University / the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dominant (Source: cherhatton.tumblr.com)

An Open Letter To A Novice Dom (Source: evilmonk.org)

Qualities of A Successful Dominant (Source: Polly Peachum / the-iron-gate.com)

Daddy Doms: They’re Not What You Think (Source: edenfantasys.com)

Domination for Nice Guys (Source: Franklin Veaux / the-iron-gate.com)

How To Spot A Non Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Learning To Be A Dom (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts - Part One: Dominants (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

The Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Daddy Dom? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

What Makes A Good Dominant (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

What Should A Dominant Be (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Submission and Submissives:

10 Considerations For Inexperienced Subs (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

A Submissive Bill of Rights (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Creed (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Ethics (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Introduction To Submission (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

Learning to Trust Your Instincts (Source: bewildbetruebekinkybeyou.tumblr.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts- Part 2: Submissives/Slaves (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Some Rules For The Submissive (Source: daddylookingforhisbaby.tumblr.com)

Submissive Owner’s Manual (Source: youmadememe.tumblr.com)

Ten Tips For The Novice, Heterosexual submissive Woman (Source: Jay Wiseman / the-iron-gate.com)

Warning Signs for Submissives (Source: RC Bauer / the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Babygirl? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

Books:

BDSM: The Naked Truth by Dr Charley Ferrer

Dear Raven and Joshua: Questions and Answers About Master/Slave Relationships by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Devil in the Details I: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - The Master, The Slave, The Power by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details II: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Mastery Refine: The Issues, The Skills by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details III: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Sustainable Structure and Traning by LT Morrison

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame, Gloria Brame and Jon Jacobs

Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships by Dan and Dawn Williams

Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402, Living in Harmony by Robert Rubel

Protocols: A Variety of Views by Robert Rubel

Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillp Miller and Molly Devon

SM101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

The Control Book by Peter Masters

The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino

This Curious Human Phenomenon: An Exploration of Some Uncommonly Explored Aspects of BDSM by Peter Masters

Where I Am Led: A Service Exploration Workbook by Christina Parker

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