Aaa-bdsm-instruction - A Collection Of Instructive Thoughts

People. I’m not going to keep saying this.

When someone is being submissive? Giving up some control? You respect that. They are trusting you, relying on you. Don’t fucking betray that trust. Educate yourself, be respectful and keep them safe.

When someone is dominating you, remember! Their comfort level is just as important as yours. They are relying on you to communicate your needs and problems. Don’t suffer something in silence because you want to make things easy or better.

PEOPLE ARE NOT KINK DISPENSERS. People are. People. With lives and feelings and emotions. Give your partners respect, because they are giving themselves to you.

Something I commonly see that isn’t explained with enough frequency is hypnokink and adjacent ideas regarding the “blank” mind-state.

There are a variety of approaches to subspace, subdrop, and the practices that make those elements more accessible. One of the most common is the idea of some form of letting go of the entrapments of one’s day-to day anxieties and social demands. The “ego-death” pathway that is part of self-development pathways such as mindfulness, contemplative engagement, and other growth practices.

Some practitioners extoll the benefits of substance use to facilitate the rigidity relaxing state through things like alcohol, but alcohol creates a set of problems related to self-esteem reduction and being an intrinsic obstacle to personal ownership of one’s subspace/subdrop experiences and practices.

More healthy, helpful, and sustainable are the self-discipline based practices that support access to subspace as part of a healthy personal growth and development practices like meditation, repetition, and dedication.

For most there is an external support structure preferred either because it has proven to be needed due to one obstacle or another. Maybe self-discipline is the challenge or it could be that intrusive thoughts make a totally solo-practice too difficult to initiate. A myriad of reasons can make a solo practice challenging, including those and other examples or even simply because the enjoyment is tethered to being partnered in the pursuit and practice. (We are social creatures after all.)

Understanding that you have an obstacle and need a path that manages and supports your practice in overcoming it is an essential part of doing the work.

That gets us back around to an oft overlooked aspect of the work with an external source of assistance. Whether it is a Dom/sub relationship partner or a generically presented/broadcast blog poster, etc… an external source will often guide you to a state of “mindlessness.” Being “blank.” Or other reductionist place.

The idea here being that just like when you take a breath, there is always a paused and potentiated space between the inward and the outward breaths. A blank moment at every peak and valley where all things are possible while no thing is being actuated. A channel of potential for any thing. This is a mindless space where nothing fills the horizon and every thing remains still and filled with potential.

Holding that space is a practice. Accepting another’s guidance (whether with your intention, their intention, or a negotiated intention developed by you both) is a practice.

Accessing subspace and/or subdrop is only made easier and deeper through conscious participation in some form of practice that supports it.

Some kinks fetishize a submissive remaining in some element of that state or a directly adjacent state. For example: “bimbo,” “pet,” or “doll” objectification kinks overtly reduce a person into this state and leave them there as they become a channel for service. A “Bimbo” kink might commonly combine the channel with hyper accentuated happiness from the simplicity of not being burdened with responsibilities beyond being a Bimbo. A “Pet” kink might commonly combine the channel with hyper accentuated enthusiasm for service and/or a need for training. A “Doll” kink might hyper accentuate ability to remain deeply in the channel itself. (I present these as common but not exclusive examples.)

Suspension of disbelief is another element that supports access to the channel. You allow yourself full belief that you DO deserve that punishment. That you SHOULD be given that belt spanking. That you ARE excited about being a cumdump. That you WILL be happier while being displayed in a tiny little dress. That you DO want strangers to grope you on the dance floor. That greeting guests on your knees and offering them your mouth IS the best way to host a party. That you ARE a good girl if you swallow. That your wet pussy IS consent. That obedience IS the pathway to your personal pleasure. Etc… In suspension of disbelief or any other practice like this where societal norms, self esteem challenges, intrusive thoughts, or other obstacles get in the way of accessing that state of belief there is a bridge needed. The bridge is that pause between breaths. That channel in between what is currently occurring and what will be occurring after the bridge is traversed. Practicing access to the channel will identify the best ways for you and your obstacles to find your way to the channel.

One more item I’d like to discuss is Hypno-kink which also engages the elements of this bridge to a mindless/blank channel while accentuating an adjacent consensual non-consent element. It is a practice where suspension of disbelief is something you empower to be activated by another person on your behalf.

For many, the mindless space is not the end goal, but a transitional space one passes through on their way from one mental state (where it may be difficult to self direct into a subspace channel) into another mental state where subspace is actualized. This is the nature of the adjacent kinks being prevalent elements that accompany this part of a bdsm practice.

To all those who are or want to be Vixens . . .

I’m not sure who to attribute this to, but it is this type of content we need more blogs to be posting

how do you help your submissives when they don’t mentally feel okay? my submissive told me the other day that she has been going through rather larger anxiety spirals, and i feel like im not doing much to help her… without discussing too much detail and exposing your own subs which i doubt you’d ever do that to them, what are other ways that i can support her and help her without making her feel stupid and silly?

-Dom

This is absolutely the biggest challenge of a typical D/s relationship, and one I have struggled with many times over the years. This is always going to depend on the specifics of your sub and your relationship, but for me the thing that has really worked is consistency.

In my experience the thing that draws a sub to this lifestyle is a desire for structure. We live in a complex and confusing world, and that can lead to a lot of stress and confusion. We all crave purpose in our lives, we seek to find meaning to our existence. In a properly structured dynamic the sub finds purpose in serving their Dom, and the Dom finds purpose in guiding and nurturing their sub.

When my girls are particularly stressed, they rely on me to be the constant in their life. The one they can depend on, the one who can carry the extra load. Sometimes that is the best we can do for them. I know how hard it is to help a sub that is struggling with anxiety and depression, particularly because so much of that fight happens in their head. In those time I have worked to provide for them. To cook, to take on extra chores, that kind of thing. More importantly, I have tried to be present. I am not typically pushy or nosy, but I am always there with an open door when they are ready. I make sure they know that, and sometimes that means I have to give them time to process on their own. That can be the hardest thing to do of all when you just want to fix everything for them.

I'd also recommend finding things that bring them comfort, even if small. A stuffed animal, a favorite show, an especially fluffy blanket, a favorite meal. Little things like that can make a big difference.

Patience is also important, these kinds of issues take time. Healing is not easy and it is rarely in a straight line. There will be good days and bad days, relapses, but there will also be victories in time. Make sure your sub knows that struggling with anxiety doesn't make them broken or unloved, it just makes them human.

Good luck, and thank you for your question.

Some women like it. That’s their right to choose a life that aligns with their submissive sexual identity.

The “all women are below men” nonsense we see so much of is written by naive simpletons for the most part. The few who aren’t simpletons are grifters.

Signs of a fantastic Dom

We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom

They ask you about your day: They show compassion and actually want to listen about how your day went

They ALWAYS want to keep fields of communication open: Whether you’re in the middle of a kinky-as-fuck scene or you two are in a heated argument, the means of communication is ALWAYS open. Once you give your safe word, IT IS DONE

Aftercare is a top priority. No matter what this is for you in particular, they put a lot of emphasis on aftercare (cuddling, movie watching, bath time, etc.)

They aren’t afraid to scold you when you actually mess up. Sometimes we fuck up, both with our dynamics or we screwed up something at work or school. Doms will scold you, put also help cheer you up and might even offer ways to make it positive

Sex might be apart of the dynamic, but it’s not the focus. I get the fact some people get involved with other BDSM partners for the sole reason of sex, but outside of those VERY SPECIFIC DYNAMICS, sex is NOT the sole focus. It might be a fun “add on”, but it’s NOT the primary objective (penetrative sex or other forms of sex acts).

They are concerned for your safety, but don’t overdo it. They want you safe, but don’t take it to the paranoid level where they need to track every little thing you do.

They respect your privacy. EVERYONE has secrets (”skeletons in your closest”), even among romantic partners who have been partners for a long time, people have stuff they just don’t feel comfortable confessing every little thing in their life. A respectful Dom understands this and doesn’t need to go spying on you or attempt to invade your privacy (track internet history, track phone usage, track where you’ve been, etc.)

They trust you. A Dom who doesn’t trust you will purposely try to fuck up the relationship/dynamic, they will show severe jealousy, and other negative aspects. A Dom that trusts you will respect YOU as a person as well as you to keep your word on different things.

When disagreements happen, they use constructive language. There is not a healthy relationship on this earth that is 100% argument/disagreement free. However, whenever these do happen, it is NOT a “me against you” style argument (”I WON THE ARGUMENT”, none of that). It is done in a way with minimal accusatory/hurtful statements

They respect your hard limits. Doms know hard limits don’t mean “convince me”. They know to stay the fuck away from hard limits with a ten foot freaking pole.

BDSM can be done for the wrong reasons and if a submissive isn’t willing or able to engage in safe and consensually validated activity that expressly makes them feel successful and healthy in their role then they need to evaluate their experience more thoroughly and contemplatively.

That being said, the pushing of boundaries is an inherent part of bdsm practice. The point here is that if your participation is so significantly one sided that you are consistently failing to communicate about your own interests and needs while feeling harmed, that you are indeed being harmed. Either self-harm or partner abuse. A properly patient and supportive Dom who is trying to help you communicate and trying to help you explore your self-stated interests is not necessarily abusing you. One’s misuse of BDSM as a form self-harm can be a misunderstood element, an actively exploited element, or an element related to support, etc. within a BDSM relationship.

This is why using thorough checklists and then COMMUNICATING thoroughly through those checklists is so important. If a sub is not able to fully take ownership of their interests within a practice then they are not currently giving fully informed consent. Informed consent must include a full understanding of the complexity of self-harm as a component and pitfall of even the most healthy of BDSM practices.

When a submissive has potential self-harm elements that doesn’t automatically mean they should not practice BDSM, but it does mean they and their Dom need to openly discuss these challenges and responsibly navigate them within their practice.