People. I’m Not Going To Keep Saying This.

D/s 101: If you call yourself a Dominant, don’t do this stuff...

You have adopted a title that should come with a giant heaping dose of honor, respect, and trustworthiness. 

1. Don’t make demands of submissive girls that don’t belong to you. You should know the difference between having the ability to control your own submissive, and how you should be treating all the rest that don’t belong to you.

2. Don’t talk intimately/woo other submissives behind the back of the one that belongs to you. All the time and energy you have to put into the submissive world should be aimed at your own submissive. If you want a different submissive, do the right thing, and break with the one you currently own first.

3. Don’t ditch submissives. How would you feel if the person you depend on for nearly everything suddenly went up in a puff of smoke, and was never heard from again? How would it effect your ability to trust someone else to take up the same role in your life? Stop ghosting, and ruining perfectly good submissives. 

4. Don’t cut your submissive out from contributing to your relationship. Yes, I know she put you in charge, but relationships evolve, and if you don’t attend to what she wants out of yours, your relationship is likely to evolve in separate directions. You can still be in charge, and listen to her wants and needs, I promise. 

5. Don’t ask someone you just met to be your submissive. It’s your job to inspire her to submit to you, by getting to know who she is, and showing her that you are the single most qualified man to be her Dominant. Don’t be lazy. Being a Dominant takes a lot of focus and energy. If you’re not up for that, go find another title to adopt. 

6. Don’t put your submissive on a shelf when caring for her is not convenient to you, and take her down off the shelf when it suits you. Submissives are human beings, and though some of them like to be treated like objects from time to time, they should not be ignored when you don’t feel like dealing with your relationship. If you don’t have to the time and energy to adopt the role of Dominant for someone, then don’t do it in a half-assed way.

7. Don’t compare your current submissive with past submissives. It’s not a competition. You should be making her feel like she’s the most important person in your current world, so don’t make her feel like she’s less than other submissives, or that you’re pining for something you no longer have, and feel you can’t have with her. 

8. Don’t skimp on the essential ingredients in D/s relationships. Don’t be that guy who limits your submissives safeword in any way. A safeword is the difference between consensual sex, and possible rape and abuse. Don’t skimp on aftercare. Let her know how much you appreciate all the control she continuously allows you to have over her, and how well she is performing for you. It’s the difference between a proud and happy submissive, and a sad and confused one. 

9. Don’t make unilateral decisions that your submissive is directly opposed to. You don’t get to decide your submissive needs a sister because it suits you to have a second submissive to play with, when it’s patently against her wishes. Once again, it’s her relationship too. 

10. Don’t lie to your submissive. It’s all about trust. It’s trust that inspires her to submit to you. It’s trust that inspires her to allow you to continue to hold her submission. One or two breaches of trust, and it all falls apart. 

JD🌹

Occasionally, keep me on a diet of nothing but your piss and cum. Remind me that I need you like I need water. Literally.  Make me beg for your piss like my life depended on it.

how do you help your submissives when they don’t mentally feel okay? my submissive told me the other day that she has been going through rather larger anxiety spirals, and i feel like im not doing much to help her… without discussing too much detail and exposing your own subs which i doubt you’d ever do that to them, what are other ways that i can support her and help her without making her feel stupid and silly?

-Dom

This is absolutely the biggest challenge of a typical D/s relationship, and one I have struggled with many times over the years. This is always going to depend on the specifics of your sub and your relationship, but for me the thing that has really worked is consistency.

In my experience the thing that draws a sub to this lifestyle is a desire for structure. We live in a complex and confusing world, and that can lead to a lot of stress and confusion. We all crave purpose in our lives, we seek to find meaning to our existence. In a properly structured dynamic the sub finds purpose in serving their Dom, and the Dom finds purpose in guiding and nurturing their sub.

When my girls are particularly stressed, they rely on me to be the constant in their life. The one they can depend on, the one who can carry the extra load. Sometimes that is the best we can do for them. I know how hard it is to help a sub that is struggling with anxiety and depression, particularly because so much of that fight happens in their head. In those time I have worked to provide for them. To cook, to take on extra chores, that kind of thing. More importantly, I have tried to be present. I am not typically pushy or nosy, but I am always there with an open door when they are ready. I make sure they know that, and sometimes that means I have to give them time to process on their own. That can be the hardest thing to do of all when you just want to fix everything for them.

I'd also recommend finding things that bring them comfort, even if small. A stuffed animal, a favorite show, an especially fluffy blanket, a favorite meal. Little things like that can make a big difference.

Patience is also important, these kinds of issues take time. Healing is not easy and it is rarely in a straight line. There will be good days and bad days, relapses, but there will also be victories in time. Make sure your sub knows that struggling with anxiety doesn't make them broken or unloved, it just makes them human.

Good luck, and thank you for your question.

I feel frequently compelled to explain this, and I let it go almost always when it crosses my feed, but… here we are.

Feminism is the engine by which the choice is made. Choosing to be a submissive, in this case an object of male attention and pleasure, is a choice that can only be made from a position of inherent equality. That state never actually leaves and as such it is always revocable.

A woman who has chosen to submit is a Feminist and is practicing feminism in her life.

A woman is entitled to experience whatever energy in her life and relationships that she wants to experience. Feminism is simply the inherent truth of her equality and power to make whatever choices she wants to make.

You can either spread feminism or spread your legs. Once you choose one option, the other vanishes forever

Choose wisely

Sometimes a girl wants a man to silence, her racing thoughts and a distractions so that she can practice becoming a good girl.

What does it mean to want to practice becoming a “good girl”?

For some, this is solely about being “good” in the eyes of the person she wants to hear that praise from. This is perfectly valid and very common among submissive girls.

For others, it is an internal sense of moving toward a personal goal that involves accepting and amplifying her feminine and submissive personal identity. For these girls, it is often times a want that their Dominant partner helps them to silence racing thoughts and distractions related to her feminine and submissive identity not being valid. The incorrect idea that it is inappropriate for a woman to enjoy and seek out experiences that activate her sexual energy if that sexual energy is particularly feminine and submissive.

Feminism includes the fact that a woman has the right, the essential and inalienable entitlement, to live her life anyway she wants to in this regard. If she is excited about being acute and girly submissive who derives pleasure from being the object of men’s pleasure… She’s entitled to that authentic personal sexual identity.

So, sometimes a woman pursuing the development of her sexual identity. In this regard will seek out a Dominant to create scenes that help her practice having access to these elements of her sexual identity.

Maybe He tells her that his boot on her mouth is symbolic of making these noises shut up.

Maybe He doesn’t and just lets her imagination activate on it, letting her get turned on by His direct act of seemingly disempowering degradation. Maybe the humiliation of having a man’s boot on her mouth, triggers her drippy cunt into action and then he further humiliates her by pointing out the fact that his boot on her mouth is turning her on.

Figuring out the tone and words that are enough to be guiding into the right direction without them overwhelming the submissive takes good communication before and after playing out a scenario like this. What she needs might even vary from one scenario to another. Sometimes it’s important to try the same energy of a scenario a few times, before there is enough understanding to have clear communication about it afterword.

Navigating the experience, takes trial and error in order to determine what practice really needs to look like so a woman can develop and embody the energy she seeks for herself.

It is always important to understand what you are both consenting to. A Dominant doesn’t want to get it wrong any more than a submissive wants the Dominant to get it wrong.

Trust and communicate.

Don’t be afraid to try something that didn’t work quite right again if you don’t yet understand how to communicate about it.

In that case, DO communicate about the fact that something didn’t quite go right and that the reason for trying it again is to give it a sincere chance at working while being more experienced should it not go well again.

I’m not saying that if something went horribly wrong that you have to do it again. I’m saying that if something didn’t go quite right, not to be afraid of trying it again while communicating in advance that something about it last time didn’t go quite right.

Sometimes practicing something means exploring around the edges where something didn’t go quite right so that you can clearly understand and communicate about why.

You can't be obedient only when you feel like it or only when it suits you. If you promise Him your obedience then give Him your obedience. Always.

Pornography is almost entirely biased toward predatory consumption. The content appeals to those who get off on predatory consumption.

Generalizing…

This, in the self created content era, tends to be submissive leaning women and the men who enthusiastically consume them and mold them to service their consumption and often predatory kinks.

This is not some wild revelation. It is the point and the structure of the whole porn reality.

Women who get off on it accept that objectification, degradation, and humiliation, create exciting images for the many men who get aroused by these things. Women feel how dirty it is to serve themselves into the arousal of these men. It feels disgusting. It feels humiliating. Yet… in that a great many women find their own arousal couldn’t be greater.

There is nothing wrong with a woman enjoying the energy of being degraded, humiliated and objectified.

Letting these things stimulate your own cravings is your right as a woman to enjoy. You can not only let yourself want it, you can practice growing your role within it. You can like it. It is your right to want to serve men who are offering up an erotically predatory craving to use you. For you to want to service their craving because it feeds your own cravings.

Cravings to serve. To please. To receive attention. To earn praise. To feel dirty. To ache from hard use. Etc…

It is ok to not only accept these experiences, but it is your right to enjoy and pursue them.

Practice it. Serve it. Want it.

Let it ignite your cravings and fan those flames.

Seek out the porn that you crave. Accept that it serves filthy things within you as it helps shape you into a woman who allows herself to enjoy whatever perverse kinks she enjoys.

Degrading, violent, male centered sex gets you off and there is nothing wrong with that.

It is not exciting for all women, just as it is not exciting for all men. But if it does excite you, there is no reason not to enjoy, accept, and grow that which gets you off.

Something I commonly see that isn’t explained with enough frequency is hypnokink and adjacent ideas regarding the “blank” mind-state.

There are a variety of approaches to subspace, subdrop, and the practices that make those elements more accessible. One of the most common is the idea of some form of letting go of the entrapments of one’s day-to day anxieties and social demands. The “ego-death” pathway that is part of self-development pathways such as mindfulness, contemplative engagement, and other growth practices.

Some practitioners extoll the benefits of substance use to facilitate the rigidity relaxing state through things like alcohol, but alcohol creates a set of problems related to self-esteem reduction and being an intrinsic obstacle to personal ownership of one’s subspace/subdrop experiences and practices.

More healthy, helpful, and sustainable are the self-discipline based practices that support access to subspace as part of a healthy personal growth and development practices like meditation, repetition, and dedication.

For most there is an external support structure preferred either because it has proven to be needed due to one obstacle or another. Maybe self-discipline is the challenge or it could be that intrusive thoughts make a totally solo-practice too difficult to initiate. A myriad of reasons can make a solo practice challenging, including those and other examples or even simply because the enjoyment is tethered to being partnered in the pursuit and practice. (We are social creatures after all.)

Understanding that you have an obstacle and need a path that manages and supports your practice in overcoming it is an essential part of doing the work.

That gets us back around to an oft overlooked aspect of the work with an external source of assistance. Whether it is a Dom/sub relationship partner or a generically presented/broadcast blog poster, etc… an external source will often guide you to a state of “mindlessness.” Being “blank.” Or other reductionist place.

The idea here being that just like when you take a breath, there is always a paused and potentiated space between the inward and the outward breaths. A blank moment at every peak and valley where all things are possible while no thing is being actuated. A channel of potential for any thing. This is a mindless space where nothing fills the horizon and every thing remains still and filled with potential.

Holding that space is a practice. Accepting another’s guidance (whether with your intention, their intention, or a negotiated intention developed by you both) is a practice.

Accessing subspace and/or subdrop is only made easier and deeper through conscious participation in some form of practice that supports it.

Some kinks fetishize a submissive remaining in some element of that state or a directly adjacent state. For example: “bimbo,” “pet,” or “doll” objectification kinks overtly reduce a person into this state and leave them there as they become a channel for service. A “Bimbo” kink might commonly combine the channel with hyper accentuated happiness from the simplicity of not being burdened with responsibilities beyond being a Bimbo. A “Pet” kink might commonly combine the channel with hyper accentuated enthusiasm for service and/or a need for training. A “Doll” kink might hyper accentuate ability to remain deeply in the channel itself. (I present these as common but not exclusive examples.)

Suspension of disbelief is another element that supports access to the channel. You allow yourself full belief that you DO deserve that punishment. That you SHOULD be given that belt spanking. That you ARE excited about being a cumdump. That you WILL be happier while being displayed in a tiny little dress. That you DO want strangers to grope you on the dance floor. That greeting guests on your knees and offering them your mouth IS the best way to host a party. That you ARE a good girl if you swallow. That your wet pussy IS consent. That obedience IS the pathway to your personal pleasure. Etc… In suspension of disbelief or any other practice like this where societal norms, self esteem challenges, intrusive thoughts, or other obstacles get in the way of accessing that state of belief there is a bridge needed. The bridge is that pause between breaths. That channel in between what is currently occurring and what will be occurring after the bridge is traversed. Practicing access to the channel will identify the best ways for you and your obstacles to find your way to the channel.

One more item I’d like to discuss is Hypno-kink which also engages the elements of this bridge to a mindless/blank channel while accentuating an adjacent consensual non-consent element. It is a practice where suspension of disbelief is something you empower to be activated by another person on your behalf.

For many, the mindless space is not the end goal, but a transitional space one passes through on their way from one mental state (where it may be difficult to self direct into a subspace channel) into another mental state where subspace is actualized. This is the nature of the adjacent kinks being prevalent elements that accompany this part of a bdsm practice.