How Do You Help Your Submissives When They Don’t Mentally Feel Okay? My Submissive Told Me The Other

A reminder from the therapy couch: just because you’re a service submissive does not mean you should pour out your cup completely and never replenish it. You do both your Dominant and yourself a disservice by disinvesting in your wellbeing.

Feminism means that every woman has an intrinsic right to choose any kind of sexual energy that she wants for herself in her life.

10  things a Dom expects a sub to know without being told

1. He needs to be the priority. Make him your priority regardless of how horny you are. A true Dom/sub relationship extends beyond sex into all other aspects of the partnership.

2. He has emotions and needs them acknowledged. The internet (and Tumblr is especially egregious in this regard) has created the toxic stereotype of the Dominant as this calm, cold, unemotional Olympian figure who is always as in charge of himself as he is of his submissive. Accept that your Dominant is human, and it is only normal, and that he will occasionally have a moment of weakness, or self-doubt, or — horrors! — shedding a tear.

3. Know him better than others. If your Dominant is having emotional difficulties, or even something as “insignificant” as a bad day at work, you should be sensitive to that, just as he needs to do likewise for you. It’s a mutually-caring relationship after all.

4. Let him control things (including you). That is his responsibility. Yours is to obey.

5. Abide by the rules. Your Dominant constructs various rules, tasks, rituals, etc, for a purpose. That purpose may not always be obvious to you. It doesn’t have to be. Trust that he knows what he’s doing. If you’re not willing to put in the work, then you should do some soul-searching and evaluate how deep (or even genuine) your submission really is.

6. Remember that he is yours. This is always reciprocal. Just as he expects your total devotion and commitment and fidelity, you have the right to expect those things from him. To be clear, this is not the same as taking your Dominant for granted. Just as he has to earn those things from you every day, so you also have to earn them from him every day.

7. Appreciate the work he puts into you, and let him know that you appreciate it. Being a dominant (especially in a day-to-day rather than sporadic relationship) is hard work. Let him know how much it means to you that he considers you worthy of all that work and direction and energy.

8. Be mindful of your respective positions in the D/s relationship. He is your Dominant. Can you be affectionately playful and impish? Yes; any Dominant who doesn’t  relish such from his submissive on occasion has some significant self-confidence issues. Sarcastic or willfully bratty? No way.

9. Give the same respect you get. If he shows you that, despite the way your relationship might look to the vanillas, he holds you in the highest respect, then return that  respect. If you come to the conclusion that he does not hold you in the highest respect, you might want to reevaluate your relationship and possibly move on.

10. Above all else: he expects your submission to be whole and complete and without reservation, save for those things that the two of you negotiate as equals before you offer him your submission (and renegotiate from time to time as the relationship evolves). You don’t get to submit just when you’re in the mood. There are no half-measures.

And on the flipside

10 things a sub expects a Dom to know…without being told

1. She needs to be the priority. She doesn’t want to compete with others. If every woman is hot, she’ll find it hard to stand out….and she needs to stand out.

2. She has emotions and needs them acknowledged. Probably more than you bargained for.

3. She needs you to know her better than others do….if her friends notice she was in a slump, you should notice first.

4. There are some things some of us just can’t physically do…don’t expect her to do something just because your last sub could or you’ve seen another sub do it. Not every sub can take a dick all the way down her throat.

5. Don’t compare her. She’s her own individual. She’s unique. That’s probably why you chose her in the first place. She may not be the hottest sub or have pics of her pink parts spread out for the world to see. But she goes out of her way to be the best in your eyes. Show her that she is.

6. Let her control things. ( wait, don’t let your heads explode here). If you’ve delegated certain chores to her…give her the control to do them. If they are getting done, does it really matter that they weren’t done in the exact way you would’ve done them?

7. Enforce the rules. All the time. Not just when it makes you feel Domly. After all, she’s in this D/s relationship because she needs the structure of the rules. She might sigh or grumble… but rules are partly why she’s here.

8. Remind her she’s yours. Every day. Even if you haven’t collared her, she’s given herself to you. She wants to hear and see that you own her. (Example: a hand full of hair while firmly kissing her will remind her of that…and get her wet in the process ;). )

9. Appreciate the submission she gives you. It takes more for some to submit than just the act of doing what they are told. She might find that she has to submit herself every day.

10. Be hers. Just as she is yours. Let her know that you aren’t just a Dom…you are HER Dom.

These are two separate blog posting yet fitting for one. That way everyone that needs it has both  to understand both sides of the coin. 

Often times the first step on the path of developing a BDSM practice is the seemingly simple yet often very complicated step of accepting parts of yourself that you are unsure about because of social conditioning leading you to think less of yourself by accepting them. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting to allow someone else to control certain parts of your life. There are healthy ways to do that and there are unhealthy ways to do that. An appropriate and mindful BDSM practice is about developing the healthy ways while learning about the unhealthy ways that might rise up as obstructions to your success. 

🌀🌀🌀you must obey

I’m not going to name the original author of this as I don’t know them personally and feel like calling them out is not necessary. Very often these kinds of posts are just poorly wrought fantasy scenarios where advance consent for a consensual non-consent experience and I see no need to hash that when the point I am making doesn’t require devolving along that irrelevant and argumentative line of discussion.

I am going to rebut the content because it is essential that we remember that BDSM on Tumblr is not a closed and in-community space.

The original post:

My rebuttal:

I am lately trying to give the benefit of the doubt to people who post things like this and assume they are just presenting a fantasy scenario they have a kink for, however this sort of content is important to not just leave floating in the world framed as a legitimate example of any sort of BDSM practice.

People can of course choose to fantasize about rape dynamics all they want, but it is important to occasionally remind people that Tumblr is a public facing space (not an in-community space) and it is never appropriate to publicly pretend to educate people (the original blog name suggests they are a blog for informing people on BDSM topics) by using scenarios where safewords are not allowed or where they will be ignored and not respected.

Submissives deserve more representation for their role and the rights and responsibilities they have in exploring the depths of their role.

This original post is not informative as BDSM training other than as it serves to be an example to subs in how to identify fake dominants.

The use of demanding and colorful phrasing is of course good in trying to trigger a sub’s fantasy-based sexual energy and then to manipulate a triggered sub into falsely believing that if they participate they are then ultimately at fault for the subsequent rape and abuse that is inflicted by the fake Doms who actually think this is a valid BDSM experience.

100% of the originally stated experience can be completely manifest and explored within a responsible framework where the sub has the power to stop the experience with a safeword.

If a Dom requires there be no safeword then they simply and irrefutably lack the skill and competency to function as a Dominant are instead of developing those basic skills they are choosing to harm subs while shifting the blame for that harm onto the sub.

How and why is this true?

A Dominant is a person who guides the submissive into and through experiences the Dominant thinks the submissive needs to have in pursuit of whatever training goals have been mutually agreed to in advance. (This can, of course, include having CNC experiences.)

All of this occurs while the sub is safe and properly cared for so that they are not inadvertently subjected to emotional or physical abuse and trauma that leaves them less whole at the end of their experience more whole (or at the very least on a mutually agreed path to being more whole), which is the only way any BDSM scenario should ever end. Anything else is not part of the BDSM community and is emotionally and/or physically abusive.

The safeword provides the submissive a constant state of awareness that they retain the power to make any experience pause/redirect or stop entirely.

Keeping that power in the submissive’s hands is the mechanism by which the Dominant navigates the sub through their needed experiences. Breaking through a sub’s unwanted boundaries and obstacles is done by working inside the boundaries until the Dominant helps the sub release or cross the boundary willingly.

Even where the suspension of disbelief is so strong they feel they cannot use their safeword, the sub still has a safeword they can use and if there are ever any signs of harm should be checked on by the Dominant before moving forward.

It is a Dominant’s responsibility to check in when a boundary is being dismantled to make sure the submissive wants to continue to experience that boundary’s dissolution. The sub has the power to stop moving forward, but the Dominant has guided them to a point where they can successfully break down the obstacle.

That is what being a Dominant actually looks like and that is why real BDSM Dominance is always 100% safeword dependent.

The safeword is THE SINGLE TOOL that makes a BDSM scenario capable of progressing through a submissive’s chosen challengeable / changeable boundaries responsibly. It is, of course, a given that they will have boundaries that cannot be challenged or changed and the Dominant must not approach those off limits boundaries.

Any “Dominant” who says otherwise is just an abuser with poorly developed interpersonal skills who cannot actually guide a submissive into and through a BDSM experience. They are just someone who wants to get off abusing someone while being able to blame them if it doesn’t go how the sub wanted or needed it to go.

These facts are not open to debate or discussion.

An excellent introductory article on 24/7 d/s lifestyles with collaring and considerations for a physically active lifestyle.

Eternity

How to have an active life - while collared 24x7 - Eternity

In the D/s lifestyle, it’s common for people to wear a collar or cuff that locks. As a symbol of devotion and ownership, it’s worn 24x7 and

“Dd/lg is p*dophilia”

A statement I am sure we have all heard enough times to cause anger, frustration, or shame. So here’s how I explain it when the need for explanation is called up.

Dd/lg is a power dynamic based in the world of BDSM. Power dynamics no matter what format or genre they may take, have one common thread (which is what makes it kink) the willingness of one party to give up their normal reign on power to another party for that parties pleasure. Whatever form it takes, it is the submission through roleplay that makes a kink, kink.

Pet play seems to be more wildly accepted so let’s dissect that as a way to dissect DD/lg.

In pet play a person is willingly giving up their power (human rights and responsibility) so another can have total control. They are also interacting with items that are not, “for them”. If I throw a sick for a person I will be turned on by the fact that the person is willing to give up their human privilege and go fetch the stick. It is not the act of fetch itself or the stick itself which brings gratification; it is the fact that an adult human is degrading themselves to a level of power that is lower than their real power. 

 If I play fetch with an actual dog, as fetch is a normal activity for a dog. There is no relinquishing of power between me and my dog. So I am simply just playing fetch, not encountering be*stiality. (gross). Therefore the throwing of the stick and it’s s*xual nature comes from the fact it is an adult human giving up their right to be an adult human. Not the stick or the act of fetch.

Dd/lg is the same thing. It is a power dynamic where one party gives up their rights to adult power. So when I see an adult in a onesie playing with toys my s*xual intrigue is peaked by the fact that the action is not one that an adult normally partakes in. I am excited by the human interacting with the object in a way that shows their relinquishment of power. I am not excited by the onesie itself. 

If a child interacted with a toy like children do, it’s simply that. A child with a toy. Just like a dog with a stick. There is nothing intriguing about the toy, the stick, the onesie, or the act of fetch. The intrigue comes from an ADULT consenting to giving power over to another adult. So dd/lg could never be p*dophilia. 

Do you actually have kids? You said you don't want any more. How do you manage your relationship dynamic around having a family?

Yes we do. We make sure we keep all dynamic stuff away from the kids, and just have to wait until they’re in bed or not home to do anything sexual. It makes it harder and it puts limits on what you can realistically do but we make it work.

In a consensual experience, wanting to receive slaps and degradation like this is anyone’s right to choose.

It isn’t for everyone, and that is ok.

If it is something YOU want and like, that is nobody’s business but your own.

You are entitled to pursue a consensual and satisfying sex life with partners who support your kinks and preferences.

If you want to be slapped, it is ok to want that.

If you want to be spit on, it is ok to want that.

If you want to be degraded, it is ok to want that.

Having consensual sexual experiences that speak to your own erotic compass is always ok for you to pursue.

Learn to take ownership of your erotic identity and have some kinky fun. This is not a dress rehearsal.

Enjoy your life.