BDSM Can Be Done For The Wrong Reasons And If A Submissive Isn’t Willing Or Able To Engage In Safe

a LOT of kink content on tumblr is fantasy and does not reflect what kink should actually be like. it is totally ok to be turned on by these fantasies and it's good to incorporate them into your sex life in safe ways. however a lot of the hot hardcore kink scenarios that make it seem like everything was spontaneous are not necessarily lying to you, but they are leaving out the "before" part. kink requires a LOT of discussion and communication. you should not forsake this part of kink because you wanna get to sex immediately because the before and after of kink are just as important, if not more, than the during.

at the risk of losing followers, i just wanted to say that it's a very sad day for me.

my following is 90% middle aged white men, and i hope you all hear me out: i like to fantasize about becoming a sex object, but i'm scared that some of you take it too seriously.

i am first and foremost a young woman. i believe that in addition to being somewhat attractive, i am smart, powerful, and on the same level as my male counterparts. for those of you who actually engage in a misogynistic lifestyle outside of kink, please do not interact with me. that disgusts me.

thank you. 💙

On his Facebook account, Jay Wisemen posted this excerpt today from SM 101.

(I highly recommend his work for anyone new to BDSM. Jay’s website store is currently under construction as of 2024-10-02: https://jaywiseman.com/wordpress/index.php/store/

You can currently find this excellent book here, though:

(Excerpt from “SM 101: A Realistic Introduction” -- copyright 1998)

Page 245: Dominant/submissive Interactions

On Being Doninant

Courtesy. The best dominants I know are scrupulously clean in their dealings with others. Their ethics rival those of the best attorneys and physicians. For example, they are polite, friendly, and open when dealing with other dominants. (Please forgive the cliche, but some of my best friends are dominant women.) Also, they never try to dominate and, especially, never touch another person’s submissive without first getting both people’s consent. Finally, in much the same way as a surgeon describing an operation to a patient, they carefully describe the general features of a proposed session to a new submissive - giving that submissive ample opportunity to back out. Consent is not enough for the best dominants. They want informed consent.

Good dominants are noted for being open and friendly. They freely share their knowledge and skills with appropriate others. They are often helpful in organizing events and frequently serve as officers in SM clubs. Furthermore, they are not hostile to dominants of different sexual preferences. For example, many dominant gay men readily share their knowledge with dominant heterosexual women. Dominant lesbians share secrets with dominant heterosexual men. These people all recognize their own, and others, value and worth. They are not so silly as to consider their own orientation superior.

Poor-quality dominants, on the other hand, cause irritation everywhere they go. They try to dominate other dominants, cop an attitude toward strangers and non-scene people, and otherwise try to get into a one-up position. A novice submissive woman I know suddenly realized about an acquaintance, “He’s not a dominant - he’s a rude asshole.” Furthermore, poor-quality dominants often regard submissives with disdain. They may try to give orders to, or attempt to touch (perhaps even whip), someone who has not previously agreed to submit. They may demand submissive behavior before negotiations, or even personal acquaintance, have been completed. These behaviors can provoke a strongly negative reaction, up to and including a fist in the face.

Poor-quality dominants are predatory with submissives. They attempt to dominate as many people as possible. These widely despised creatures cause anger and resentment everywhere they go and are held in contempt. They usually don’t last long in the SM community.

Many of the best dominants do not appear at all dominant when you meet them in the “vanilla” world. Except for perhaps a certain unwillingness to obey a direct order as quickly as others obey it, and a lack of anxiety about making direct eye contact, they appear fairly normal. They are often among the friendliest of people. (Many heterosexual, dominant men in the SM community are notorious punsters.)

FRODO: I can’t do this, Sam.

SAM: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened. But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.

FRODO: What are we holding on to, Sam?

SAM: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

do you really want it?

One of the most common pitfalls I see in D/s dynamics, especially for submissives, is the tendency to focus too heavily on personal wants that don’t simultaneously benefit their Dominant. Don’t get me wrong, we all have individual desires in life-like that must-have book or a killer pair of shoes. But within the context of a D/s relationship, the essence of submission lies in prioritizing what pleases the Dominant.

True fulfillment for a submissive often comes from serving, fulfilling their Dominant’s wants and needs, and finding joy in the act of giving. When our focus shifts too far toward personal whims, it can disrupt the balance that makes a dynamic thrive.

Interestingly, I’ve noticed that many Dominants fall into the trap of over-prioritizing their submissive’s desires. They become overly focused on ensuring the submissive’s happiness, sometimes at the expense of their own. While this might seem like the ultimate expression of care, it can unintentionally lead to a dynamic where submission begins to fade. Why? Because submission, at its core, thrives on structure, leadership, and the natural flow of power—not on a Dominant constantly catering to the submissive’s every whim.

The key here is balance. A healthy D/s relationship is built on mutual compatibility and shared goals. Finding a partner who aligns with you fully. Not just in terms of D/s style but also in life goals, sexual compatibility, and long-term vision. This is crucial. When the foundation is strong, there’s less friction between the Dom and subs wants and needs, because they naturally align.

When a submissive’s wants already resonate with the Dominant’s, and vice versa, the dynamic becomes less about one person serving the other in an uneven way and more about mutual growth and fulfillment. That’s the beauty of finding someone who checks as many of your boxes as possible. It ensures that both partners are uplifted and fulfilled without compromising the power exchange that makes the dynamic so unique.

Ultimately, success in a D/s relationship comes from understanding this delicate balance and nurturing it. When both partners are on the same page, the connection deepens, the submission thrives, and the Dominant leads with confidence. And isn’t that what we’re all striving for?

Often times the first step on the path of developing a BDSM practice is the seemingly simple yet often very complicated step of accepting parts of yourself that you are unsure about because of social conditioning leading you to think less of yourself by accepting them. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting to allow someone else to control certain parts of your life. There are healthy ways to do that and there are unhealthy ways to do that. An appropriate and mindful BDSM practice is about developing the healthy ways while learning about the unhealthy ways that might rise up as obstructions to your success. 

🌀🌀🌀you must obey

In regards of the Trump government scraping all trans inclusion in its queer information portion of its websites I have made this thing. Spread the word. Don't let them pretend we never existed.

P.S: Don't like! Reblog! <3

EDIT: Well this got a lot of attention! I got a few users asking to print or repost my art and I am unimaginably grateful to everyone's interest, especially since it's a really simple drawing I made on a whim haha! Anyone who is looking to print these out to hang or hand out or repost on another platform is free to do so, although I ask you to credit me and let people know it's from my Tumblr profile! If anyone wishes to do anything else with my art or post and wants to clarify what I consent to then they can message me privately and I'll explain! <333 all my love to my queer siblings

EDIT: I made an LGBTQIA+ version with a focus on trans and intersex folks, it's on my pinned if you prefer this version of the acronym.