Do You Really Want It?

Choosing Obedience can have many reasons. Making your partner (“Daddy” honorific in the above case) proud is a very common reason, although there are others. Whatever motivates you, Obedience in a BDSM relationship is only possible from a starting position of equality. This is the relevance of feminism in BDSM. No person can truly submit their power to another if they did not start from a position of equality.

The current wave of anti-feminism in “bdsm” blogs isn’t BDSM at all. It is just a self aggrandizing abuse fantasy, almost universally advanced by men with a sadism fetish and no real world way to explore their want for a relationship of any kind. Their fantasy and loneliness leads them to self-delude that they can espouse a philosophy of abusing a person into submission. They delusionally think they can coerce and/or threaten a person sufficiently to create a relationship that is rewarding to them. They’re criminally violent in their abuse fantasies and there’s no place for them in this society except in a therapist’s office.

While the state of abuser blogs remains such a high concentration, there really is no place for the public display of any undisclaimed anti-feminism kink in public facing spaces like Tumblr.

Always good to see the good old instructions are still circulating

You are responsible for developing your own enthusiasm for and fulfillment of your practice.

Being worthy of the effort it takes from your owner to be your Dominant is one of the most essential things a submissive can learn about their role and responsibilities.

(This is also true of Dominants.)

Be so thankful that you not only have fun in the experiences you have together, but be so thankful that you show it by DOING THE WORK between experiences so that you bring real growth and supportive energy into the experiences.

🇨🇦𝛂♂

The heart of practice is building trust so that ever deeper levels of energy exchange become not only easier, but entwined in the romance of your life together.

Glad to see many of these are still working links.

BDSM Links And Resources

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

If you have anything to add, please don’t hesitate to let me know and I will update this list, in particular if there any books that a submissive might find helpful or informative, as most of the books I have read or included are intended for Dominants.

Note: For the sake of consistency and readability, I have used capitals throughout this document and have not used lower case when referring to submissives or slaves.

Websites:

Babygirls ‘n’ Daddy Doms: Website dedicated to littles, babygirls and Daddy Doms, with a lot of useful information on the subject.

Collarme: A free BDSM dating website and community, that is probably the most popular and a better option than the commercial alternatives.

DS Arts: Academy of DS Arts, fairly self explanatory.

Evil Monk: Ambrosio’s BDSM Website, featuring many useful articles.

Fetlife: An online BDSM community that I would highly recommend and which is perhaps best described as Facebook for the kinky, allowing users to create a profile, publish photos or writing and join interest groups where you can ask questions.

Kink Academy: An online resource with many educational and instructional videos on various aspects of BDSM, although users must pay a small fee to access all of the content.

Submissive Guide: As the name suggests, this is an online resource for submissives.

The Iron Gate: A general BDSM online resource, with many aticles, essays and even stories on the subject.

Dating and Relationships:

10 Principles For Healthy 24/7 D/s And M/s (Source: sexgeek.wordpress.com)

Difference of Dynamics in BDSM (Source: the-little-kitten.tumblr.com)

Finding Your Dominant (Source: asubmissivesjourney.com)

How To Find A Partner (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 3 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

So You Want Your Boyfriend To Dominate You (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate Her (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

The Unfortunate But Common Misconceptions About DD/lg Relationships (Source: a-lolitas-life.tumblr.com)

Play:

Consent Is Mandatory And Non-Negotiable (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

Food Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

Initial Steps Into Orgasm on Command Training (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Rules and Tasks for Building Confidence (Source: themostdangerousplaything.tumblr.com)

Tools of Consent in BDSM (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Training in D/s - Why? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - How? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - Thoughts And Concerns (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Wax Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

Safety:

Basics Of Safe, Sane And Consensual Power Exchange (Source: Molly Devon / the-iron-gate.com)

Common Sense (Source: Sean R. Powell / the-iron-gate.com)

Emotional Safety (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Offline/Online BDSM Safety Rules (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Ouch Is Not A Safe Word: Safe Words, Limits, and Scene Protocol (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Rules For Meeting Strangers (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Safewords and Safesigns 101 (Source: kinkology.tumblr.com)

S.S.C. VS R.A.C.K. (Source: Justin Medlin / the-iron-gate.com)

Checklists, Communication and Negotiation:

BDSM Play Partner Check List (Source: Sovereign House / the-iron-gate.com)

BDSM Scene Negotiations (Source: daddyvinnie.tumblr.com)

Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Communication (Source: submissivesupportgroup.tumblr.com)

If I Ever See Another Checklist I Will Scream: An Extremely Thorough Play Checklist (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Negotiation Forms (Source: Jay Wiseman, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction / greenerypress.com)

What Are Negotiations Good For? (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare:

Aftercare for submissives (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Dominants (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Switches (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Emergency Self-Administered Aftercare (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Sub Drop (Source: David Williams / subshelpingsubs.tripod.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare (Source: desires-of-a-domimant-man.tumblr.com)

Dominance and Dominants:

A Dominant is NOT… (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dom (Source: Washington Sexuality University / the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dominant (Source: cherhatton.tumblr.com)

An Open Letter To A Novice Dom (Source: evilmonk.org)

Qualities of A Successful Dominant (Source: Polly Peachum / the-iron-gate.com)

Daddy Doms: They’re Not What You Think (Source: edenfantasys.com)

Domination for Nice Guys (Source: Franklin Veaux / the-iron-gate.com)

How To Spot A Non Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Learning To Be A Dom (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts - Part One: Dominants (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

The Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Daddy Dom? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

What Makes A Good Dominant (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

What Should A Dominant Be (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Submission and Submissives:

10 Considerations For Inexperienced Subs (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

A Submissive Bill of Rights (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Creed (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Ethics (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Introduction To Submission (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

Learning to Trust Your Instincts (Source: bewildbetruebekinkybeyou.tumblr.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts- Part 2: Submissives/Slaves (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Some Rules For The Submissive (Source: daddylookingforhisbaby.tumblr.com)

Submissive Owner’s Manual (Source: youmadememe.tumblr.com)

Ten Tips For The Novice, Heterosexual submissive Woman (Source: Jay Wiseman / the-iron-gate.com)

Warning Signs for Submissives (Source: RC Bauer / the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Babygirl? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

Books:

BDSM: The Naked Truth by Dr Charley Ferrer

Dear Raven and Joshua: Questions and Answers About Master/Slave Relationships by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Devil in the Details I: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - The Master, The Slave, The Power by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details II: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Mastery Refine: The Issues, The Skills by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details III: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Sustainable Structure and Traning by LT Morrison

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame, Gloria Brame and Jon Jacobs

Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships by Dan and Dawn Williams

Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402, Living in Harmony by Robert Rubel

Protocols: A Variety of Views by Robert Rubel

Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillp Miller and Molly Devon

SM101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

The Control Book by Peter Masters

The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino

This Curious Human Phenomenon: An Exploration of Some Uncommonly Explored Aspects of BDSM by Peter Masters

Where I Am Led: A Service Exploration Workbook by Christina Parker

---

Practice is all about incremental improvement of your service skillset and your access to arousal from it.

Development of it is all done through a mutually created practice structure. One that we fully communicate on building together and that is reliant on both repeated and fluctuating levels of exposure to various kinks, skills, and resiliency to challenges.

When you miss a practice opportunity do not be concerned, you simply deal with a missed practice by immediately making your missed practice your new top priority and shuffle around ALL other obligations to make room for the practice.

This is part of what, for most who seek to develop a bdsm practice, is an essential agreement one makes when entering into a meaningful practice.

This is actually a too often undiscussed topic.

A lot of people don’t understand the importance of very fully draining every possible drop of cum from a partner. (I think this mostly stems from a lack of anatomical understanding of the orgasm.)

Yes, an orgasm can come and go creating a flash of climactic pleasure, however if the various glands/organs involved in orgasm are not drained there will be a persisting feeling of pressure and incompleteness of the orgasm that lingers with varying intensity depending on the amount of fluid left un-ejaculated in the glands and tubes of the reproductive system. For a truly complete orgasm experience to be achieved, the cock has to be continuously and intensely drained CONSIDERABLY beyond that first few waves of initial orgasm.

Getting to that point via vaginal or anal sex can be difficult especially if the vagina or asshole is not still a very tight sleeve around the cock during the orgasm. If you want to really give the best orgasm possible, it can sometimes require manual or oral stimulation to drain the cock after an orgasm from vaginal or anal sex. With oral sex getting to a well drained state of pleasure requires ongoing effort to draw all the cum from the cock, usually as a hybrid of oral and manual efforts.

This eventually leads to a state where the pleasure from being so well drained tips over and overstimulation forces you to tap out. If you are not frequently draining your partner until they tap out from overstimulation then you should try this more often and talk about it to see which your partner enjoys more.

—-

As an important and related tangent thought:

A lot of men (like myself) are attuned to their partner’s energy when orgasming and if the orgasm started from oral sex, if you reject swallowing and/or negatively react to having his cum in your mouth it is experienced as a deeply dysfunctional type of rejection. Experiencing this deep rejection is related to the partner not deriving sufficient personal enjoyment and pleasure from making their partner cum that their pleasure state doesn’t allow them to overcome whatever their aversion to cum is, and then this diminishes their role in the connection made during orgasm. It is replaced by a sense of them simply performing a perfunctory/indifferent/mechanical action for the orgasming partner. This feeling can be very emotionally disconnecting for the person who is cumming. It isn’t necessary to always drain every drop down your throat, but making a conscious effort to show enjoyment of having the opportunity to swallow some of their partners cum is encouragement that will lead to that partner being less hesitant and more excited about cumming when you do it in the future. Orgasms will be easier to elicit if you establish a sincere track record of being enthusiastic and thankful for their cum.

needing to suck him dry while he's writhing and moaning

---

You go too long without practice and your mind strays deep into the shame of your failure to become better.

When the time comes for you to perform you lack focus, skill, and self control. The depraved pornographic imagery and stories your cunt craves embarrasses you in no small part because of instantly it makes you wet, and how easily it makes you cum.

You’ve watched women getting off on being drugged. Gangfucked in dirty public bathrooms. Toilet licking whores getting ass fucked while prettier women hold their faces in the piss water. Brides crawling down the aisle having been collared in a ceremony before her friends and family. You have watched women slap and spank themselves. Write words of self degradation on their bodies only to turn on their camera for an anonymous audience who encourages her to fuck herself on her bedpost in aroused desperation. Public displays of women enthusiastically obeying their owners demands that they hand over their panties to strangers. Orgies of people fucking in nightclubs for swingers. You have watched women suck and fuck horse cocks until they cum all over their faces and inside them.

You have imagined yourself lead, leashed by the collar to the center of a gangbang of strangers. Load after load of cum being dumped into your aching and well used ass and pussy. Smeared across your face. Swallowing for any that will allow you to show your sincere appreciation for being used.

You excitedly watch as subs find and leap into the deep hole that their masters help them into and you want it to be you. By the time your undisciplined arousal looks you deep into the eye your orgasm has abated and your shame keeps you in hiding from the truth until next your craven need demands the filth that pushes you into blissful oblivion.

Practice under direct training so you don’t have to do anything but skillfully obey and develop ever more accurate anticipation of what he wants.

Does he get off on you crawling and licking his boots? Don’t confuse the fact that you want to do something with a mistaken belief that it is because he wants it. So, you want to be told to crawl and to lick his boots. He provides that to you as an opportunity for you to use what you like as a way to get and stay turned on while showing him your utter adoration and fully undivided attention. That serving him with your attention, adoration, and arousal is really what he wants. He wants to push you through challenges while you prove you can maintain yourself.

There it is. There is the practice.

Whatever it may be for you, use that brainstorming as a template to figure out what to do, how to do it, when to practice it, who to practice with, and most importantly WHY.

Beg l, while being sincerely adoring of him and his patience, for your partner/owner to give you another lesson, another chance to learn, a deeper discussion. Beg for the training you so obviously need. The training that will open up the doors for you to experience the kinks that make you cum in your fantasies.

Follow through.

Train.

Practice.

Support your partner/Dominant/owner’s efforts to teach you, to guide you, to liberate you from the societal lie that your sexual identity is to be hidden away when in fact what should be done is this:

Develop it.

Celebrate it.

Appreciate it.

Share it.

Embrace it.

Empower it.

Explore it.

PRACTICE IT.

Become ever more of the sexually adventurous story that gets you and your partner off.

Go to swing clubs. Create networks of new friends by becoming the fun people who are consistent about being at events where you can grow and practice your kinks. Practice between parties so your confidence is high. Let your partner contribute to the skills you learn so you are pleasing to each other. Support their kinks by manifesting and embodying those you can accept and embrace, and expect support from them for your own.

No parties like that around? Host them.

Figure it out. Priorities demand you embrace the time it takes to invest in creating the sexual adventures of your daydreams.

Be patient and consistent while your partner learns how to lead you. Teach and guide them toward what you need as part of your communication and practice.

Become a successful source of education and inspiration for each other and those who will follow behind you.

More than all of that, though, grow your relationship by delving deeply and consistently into the communication and trust required of these adventures together.

Love is an adventure, and you are entitled to experience the sex life you dream up together.

Healthy relationships do not call for self abandonment, they are a unity of two individual people.