Healthy Relationships Do Not Call For Self Abandonment, They Are A Unity Of Two Individual People.

Choosing Obedience can have many reasons. Making your partner (“Daddy” honorific in the above case) proud is a very common reason, although there are others. Whatever motivates you, Obedience in a BDSM relationship is only possible from a starting position of equality. This is the relevance of feminism in BDSM. No person can truly submit their power to another if they did not start from a position of equality.

The current wave of anti-feminism in “bdsm” blogs isn’t BDSM at all. It is just a self aggrandizing abuse fantasy, almost universally advanced by men with a sadism fetish and no real world way to explore their want for a relationship of any kind. Their fantasy and loneliness leads them to self-delude that they can espouse a philosophy of abusing a person into submission. They delusionally think they can coerce and/or threaten a person sufficiently to create a relationship that is rewarding to them. They’re criminally violent in their abuse fantasies and there’s no place for them in this society except in a therapist’s office.

While the state of abuser blogs remains such a high concentration, there really is no place for the public display of any undisclaimed anti-feminism kink in public facing spaces like Tumblr.

Signs of a fantastic Dom

We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom

They ask you about your day: They show compassion and actually want to listen about how your day went

They ALWAYS want to keep fields of communication open: Whether you’re in the middle of a kinky-as-fuck scene or you two are in a heated argument, the means of communication is ALWAYS open. Once you give your safe word, IT IS DONE

Aftercare is a top priority. No matter what this is for you in particular, they put a lot of emphasis on aftercare (cuddling, movie watching, bath time, etc.)

They aren’t afraid to scold you when you actually mess up. Sometimes we fuck up, both with our dynamics or we screwed up something at work or school. Doms will scold you, put also help cheer you up and might even offer ways to make it positive

Sex might be apart of the dynamic, but it’s not the focus. I get the fact some people get involved with other BDSM partners for the sole reason of sex, but outside of those VERY SPECIFIC DYNAMICS, sex is NOT the sole focus. It might be a fun “add on”, but it’s NOT the primary objective (penetrative sex or other forms of sex acts).

They are concerned for your safety, but don’t overdo it. They want you safe, but don’t take it to the paranoid level where they need to track every little thing you do.

They respect your privacy. EVERYONE has secrets (”skeletons in your closest”), even among romantic partners who have been partners for a long time, people have stuff they just don’t feel comfortable confessing every little thing in their life. A respectful Dom understands this and doesn’t need to go spying on you or attempt to invade your privacy (track internet history, track phone usage, track where you’ve been, etc.)

They trust you. A Dom who doesn’t trust you will purposely try to fuck up the relationship/dynamic, they will show severe jealousy, and other negative aspects. A Dom that trusts you will respect YOU as a person as well as you to keep your word on different things.

When disagreements happen, they use constructive language. There is not a healthy relationship on this earth that is 100% argument/disagreement free. However, whenever these do happen, it is NOT a “me against you” style argument (”I WON THE ARGUMENT”, none of that). It is done in a way with minimal accusatory/hurtful statements

They respect your hard limits. Doms know hard limits don’t mean “convince me”. They know to stay the fuck away from hard limits with a ten foot freaking pole.

There is nothing wrong with having an abuse kink, a trauma kink, a choking kink, or with getting high.

That being said, however, there are potentially harmful and inappropriate aspects of any / all of these which it is important to keep in mind for personal safety reasons.

Abuse and trauma kinks are in the realm where awareness regarding creating harm to another or self harm are things that should be monitored for to make sure that these scenarios are indeed kink explorations and not harm scenarios.

Choking is something that can go unexpectedly wrong very quickly because the harm in one scenario is not the same as another scenario. The experiences could be visually and experientially equivalent, while unseen damage is being done and this damage can go from ok to life threatening/altering harm without either person knowing it. Choking should never be done alone.

Getting high changes a person’s situational awareness and ability for risk assessment. Combining getting high with other kinks always creates potential for harm and as such always requires a significant amount of advance consent discussion.

Have fun - stay well informed.

Only idiots and abusers fail to support feminism.

Idiots because they fail to understand it and abusers because they’re too incompetent to actually earn a woman’s trust.

Feminism is THE one and only mechanism by which actual submission is possible. When you argue against this fact you reveal very clearly whether you are an idiot or an abuser, or (as is oftentimes the case) both.

Let me make this perfectly clear

Am I deep down a feminist who just has kinky fantasies? 

NO! 

I reject that shit completely.  

Equality is an absurd lie.  Women should only worry about supporting and pleasing Men.  

Our job is to cook, clean, lick, suck, suffer and bear children.  We will lick your ass and drink your piss, but PLEASE do not try to treat us as equals!  

Ladies, who is with me on this? 

My favorite thing about introducing edging and denial is the predictability of the events that follow:

You’re in utter disbelief that someone would actually deny an orgasm.

Then comes the anger and frustration. How dare someone try to keep you from your orgasm! Perhaps some attitude will need correcting at this stage.

Soon you’ll be begging. Bartering. Negotiating. Trying anything to prove that you deserve that orgasm.

Maybe you’ll cry when you finally realize that it’s truly out of your control. You have no influence. Your body and its pleasure are no longer a priority or even relevant to the conversation.

And when kept denied, you’ll realize: you’re better without an orgasm. You’re a better sub, better plaything, better toy. You’re more obedient. Your partner knows what you need better than you, and you realize they were right: you don’t need to orgasm.

Then the addiction starts.

The neediness in your body settles as a new default state of being… you would feel empty without it. Directionless.

And suddenly, the same sub who said they could *never* handle be denied is confessing that being told no feels better than being allowed to orgasm.

Anyone who is not a feminist is not practicing Dominance and submission.

Feminism (the understanding that all people are inherently entitled to equal rights and justice) is the ONLY mechanism by which a woman can participate in submission. Without a starting point of mutually recognized equality a woman is not capable of exercising submission, and she has only the ability to accept and accommodate her own abuse at the hands of someone who (it seems most commonly) was incapable of earning her actual submission.

Only poorly informed people promote or support one person having an innate and unearned right to hold power over another person.

I’m so happy I finally made a tumblr for accepting my place. I used to just look at so many good accounts but never follow, but I couldn’t stop looking. I’m still learning what I like and still consider myself a feminist I appreciate any help!

Is it really, really gross and outside of many sub’s boundaries to be used as an ashtray?

Absolutely.

However, that isn’t the point of presenting this video as an instructional example.

This is an extremely good video for EVERY sub to watch on repeat as part of understanding what processing looks like.

There are a lot of kinds of processing, but processing disgust is one of the most important because disgust is one of the top obstacles a submissive is likely to face along their path of growth and development. (Pain processing, jealousy processing, humiliation processing, degradation processing, self acceptance processing, and obedience processing are a few of the other obstacle strewn areas where growth through processing is required for success.

This video/scenario gets to the very heart of a purposeful D/s practice. As a Dominant, I find watching a submissive accept their Dominant’s guidance and to then process through a difficult obstacle successfully to be incredibly arousing.

If your disgust reaction is too strong, you may need to watch it and desensitize until you can overcome your disgust and clearly see the power she manifests as she processes through being an ashtray. Dominants, watch the way he supports her through patience and clear communication. You can hear in his tone that he believes in her ability to focus her power and succeed.

This is what healthy D/s practice looks like. Study it and communicate with each other about how to accomplish this sort of processing success for the obstacles that challenge you in your path.

My good girl, my ashtray, I'm going to smoke my Cuban cigar, open your mouth, I don't want to see a tear fall, the consequences could be much worse, and remember to always thank me 🖤

Some women like it. That’s their right to choose a life that aligns with their submissive sexual identity.

The “all women are below men” nonsense we see so much of is written by naive simpletons for the most part. The few who aren’t simpletons are grifters.