PSA:

On his Facebook account, Jay Wisemen posted this excerpt today from SM 101.

(I highly recommend his work for anyone new to BDSM. Jay’s website store is currently under construction as of 2024-10-02: https://jaywiseman.com/wordpress/index.php/store/

You can currently find this excellent book here, though:

(Excerpt from “SM 101: A Realistic Introduction” -- copyright 1998)

Page 245: Dominant/submissive Interactions

On Being Doninant

Courtesy. The best dominants I know are scrupulously clean in their dealings with others. Their ethics rival those of the best attorneys and physicians. For example, they are polite, friendly, and open when dealing with other dominants. (Please forgive the cliche, but some of my best friends are dominant women.) Also, they never try to dominate and, especially, never touch another person’s submissive without first getting both people’s consent. Finally, in much the same way as a surgeon describing an operation to a patient, they carefully describe the general features of a proposed session to a new submissive - giving that submissive ample opportunity to back out. Consent is not enough for the best dominants. They want informed consent.

Good dominants are noted for being open and friendly. They freely share their knowledge and skills with appropriate others. They are often helpful in organizing events and frequently serve as officers in SM clubs. Furthermore, they are not hostile to dominants of different sexual preferences. For example, many dominant gay men readily share their knowledge with dominant heterosexual women. Dominant lesbians share secrets with dominant heterosexual men. These people all recognize their own, and others, value and worth. They are not so silly as to consider their own orientation superior.

Poor-quality dominants, on the other hand, cause irritation everywhere they go. They try to dominate other dominants, cop an attitude toward strangers and non-scene people, and otherwise try to get into a one-up position. A novice submissive woman I know suddenly realized about an acquaintance, “He’s not a dominant - he’s a rude asshole.” Furthermore, poor-quality dominants often regard submissives with disdain. They may try to give orders to, or attempt to touch (perhaps even whip), someone who has not previously agreed to submit. They may demand submissive behavior before negotiations, or even personal acquaintance, have been completed. These behaviors can provoke a strongly negative reaction, up to and including a fist in the face.

Poor-quality dominants are predatory with submissives. They attempt to dominate as many people as possible. These widely despised creatures cause anger and resentment everywhere they go and are held in contempt. They usually don’t last long in the SM community.

Many of the best dominants do not appear at all dominant when you meet them in the “vanilla” world. Except for perhaps a certain unwillingness to obey a direct order as quickly as others obey it, and a lack of anxiety about making direct eye contact, they appear fairly normal. They are often among the friendliest of people. (Many heterosexual, dominant men in the SM community are notorious punsters.)

There is nothing wrong with having an abuse kink, a trauma kink, a choking kink, or with getting high.

That being said, however, there are potentially harmful and inappropriate aspects of any / all of these which it is important to keep in mind for personal safety reasons.

Abuse and trauma kinks are in the realm where awareness regarding creating harm to another or self harm are things that should be monitored for to make sure that these scenarios are indeed kink explorations and not harm scenarios.

Choking is something that can go unexpectedly wrong very quickly because the harm in one scenario is not the same as another scenario. The experiences could be visually and experientially equivalent, while unseen damage is being done and this damage can go from ok to life threatening/altering harm without either person knowing it. Choking should never be done alone.

Getting high changes a person’s situational awareness and ability for risk assessment. Combining getting high with other kinks always creates potential for harm and as such always requires a significant amount of advance consent discussion.

Have fun - stay well informed.

Some women like it. That’s their right to choose a life that aligns with their submissive sexual identity.

The “all women are below men” nonsense we see so much of is written by naive simpletons for the most part. The few who aren’t simpletons are grifters.

Master accepts your gift.

A good girl wants to be used as the entertainment for partied.

She wants to be completely naked while fully dressed guests mingle.

She wants it known that at anytime the guests can fuck her. Any where they wish and in front of anyone they wish.

She wants the guests to carry on their conversations normally, fully ignoring her whimpers and leaking holes to whatever degree the choose.

A good girl will sit with legs spread awaiting any guest who may wish to grope, finger, or fuck her.

She is excited to be passed around and given from lap to lap as guests entertain themselves casually with her body.

She encourages her objectification and humiliation at whatever level the guest demands as they finger and fuck her with whatever their hearts and hard cocks desire.

A good girl spreads wider as a hand, a wine bottle or cock is fucked into her dripping wet hole.

A good girls gets off on the fact that she has inspired the guests to invent depraved games to use her in.

A good girl serves their widely varied kinks and gets off on the fact that they thought so highly of her and of her ability to find enjoyment in being of this kind of service to their sexual perversity and depravity that they chose her above all others to give her service to them.

A good girl accepts who she is.

A good girl asks for ever more opportunities to practice it.

Sometimes a lesson that is very simple just doesn’t get properly understood by your submissive. A variety of approaches can still leave you unsatisfied with the submissive’s sincerity or depth of personal effort.

Shifting around from praise as a technique to exercising greater/total control over the submissive can sometimes shock their thought process into understanding and growing past a plateau in their service’s growth.

Escalated and more severe measures sometimes are necessary, and for praise focused practices it can provide a necessary jolt.

Forced positioning so the content of the lesson itself is the sole point of focus can be one helpful technique.

🇨🇦𝛂♂

This is good advice for the mechanical elements of becoming more physically pleasing, but I would expand upon it significantly.

Learning how to “blow his mind” goes well beyond physical ability and proficiency with the actions of being a good, devoted, cum swallowing friend/partner/girfriend/wife.

When a man is cuming that is the psychological trigger for you to dive deep. When a man is cuming you have a craving that kicks in. You need his cum. You need to taste, swallow, and radiate with the possession of every drop of cum he could issue to your insatiable need for it. It is the moment of great communion where your love unites and you gain the fleeting magical glow of being the good girl who loves him so much that she swallows all of his cum because it fills your heart with happiness.

The successful alignment of your enthusiasm is gauged by what attitude that enthusiasm stems and the depth of the sincerity of that energy as it is flowing between you as a man’s orgasm floods into you with his energy. An energy always seeking a connection that truly and sincerely craves it to be taken deep inside… This is essential for anything even glimpsing what a mind blowing blow job involves.

Let me simplify:

A man’s orgasms create a direct connection with a universal energy that is looking to find the deepest and most magical well in all the universe. If he is not cuming in your pussy and activating a billion or more years of connection to this shared energy with you and feeling you getting pregnant while in the orgasmic moment that is connecting him to you while you have also aroused your connection such that you suspended together beyond space and time in your connection to this infinite energy of creative magic; then if that or its nearest facsimile is not what is happening and instead he is cuming in your mouth, there is a different infinite magical energy you are responsible for learning how to navigate together. The magical power of creation being drunk and creating connection through that magical elixir. You have within you a similar connection and channel that sucking my cock can activate.

Some men are not well attuned to the realm of the infinite that swims all around us. Others need to dance with the love of their life in it because it is there that they feel most alive.

I've been following this lady on TikTok who runs an anti-porn account out of what I can only describe as sociological curiosity. Basically, when I first encountered her videos I sniffed out pretty quickly that she was both a) very very cishet and b) a religious conservative and listening to her talk about sex and relationships has become this fascinating window for me into how The Other Side lives.

Like one of the main conceits of her content revolves around the fact that men have to constantly fight against being overcome by lust, which is hilarious to me, someone who has read fanfiction, because acting like cishet men are somehow uniquely prone to being gooners is so deeply ignorant of how anyone outside a religious conservative community lives.

The real journey begins when you accept that many of your daily life’s elements are secondary traits of your life.

You are a submissive who has a job as a ______.

You are a submissive who lives at ________.

You are a submissive who married _________.

You are a submissive who does ________ for recreation and exercise.

Etc… etc…

You can of course choose things that take precedence. Like, you are a mother, sister, friend, wife, etc… but the truth is that the higher you elevate your own self understanding to reflect that you are a submissive above other things, the more enjoyable your life will be and the less you will have to think about how your life as a submissive fits in with the rest of your life and rather to witness how all of your other life activities are an extension of who you are as a submissive.

The clarity of this, regardless of how you ultimately balance it, is essential.

[any reason for a limit is valid]