Asexual Love

to anyone having a bad day im so sorry also here are some pictures of baby elephants 

feel better friend

The worst trick a childhood anxiety disorder pulls is, you spend your early years being applauded for being so much more mature than your peers, because you aren’t disruptive, you don’t want any kind of attention, you don’t express yourself, you keep yourself to yourself - this makes you a pleasure to have in class, etc etc - and you start to believe it’s virtue. But you’re actually way behind your peers in normal social development, and who knows if you can ever catch up.

I don’t have an inner voice, I have 3 inner voices. One that says what I’m really thinking, one that calls me stupid for thinking that and one that tries to explain my point of view.

ppl don’t understand adhd/autistic cleaning processes. we think so far ahead it’s like,,, impossible to do shit. you want me to vaccuum my bedroom floor? okay. we need to pick up all the stuff thats on it first, though. and where are we going to put the stuff? well, theres a couple categories of Stuff- Clothes, Random Items, and Trash. Trash is easy, we just throw it away. Clothes have to be sorted into Clean, Not Clean- and then the not clean ones have to go in the laundry bag, but theres so many so i might have to start a load now- ugh, distracted. lets go back to the clean clothes. well, these go in my drawer but- my drawer is really disorganized, so i’ll have to organize the clothes first so that theyll fit and look neat. by the time i’m done with that, i’ve spent an hour and a half trying to do stuff in my room. i finally turn to random items, most of which can find a home on my desk, but others i dont really know what to do with. plus, my desk is dirty. so i have to organize my desk, figure out where everything goes, and the stuff that doesn’t have a place can go in… a box, i guess. (not like i don’t have three other boxes full of random stuff in my closet)  so i put all the items back up but now i have this box full of stuff i dont know if i need so i have to go through it, sorting it into donate and dont donate piles. i might as well throw in some clothes to, so i dig through my clothes drawer and get the clothes i dont want, throw them in there too. okay, back to the random items- the ones i dont want to donate are still here, so i have to put them somewhere. i dont have anywhere to put them- maybe i should get a shelf? i start googling shelves, figuring out which ones would be best for my room, debating prices, learning about installation, and eventually im like ‘well, already on my computer’ and i decide im going to ‘check’ social media and end up lost in it for an hour or so. you walk back in, and theres stuff all over the floor, albeit in bags and boxes, and it still hasnt been vacuumed. its been five hours since i started. how does it take five hours to clean your room? it just does. 

asexual warrior for ace awareness week!

30 days of autism acceptance

April 22: What are some social rules that do not make sense to you/that you don’t understand?

So many-

- Eye contact

- Hand-shakes

- Small talk

- The fact that you come across as a smart ass when you correct someone’s wrong information, whoever nicely you say it

- Saying hello to a stranger as you pass them

- The concept that harmless weirdness is bad or creepy

- The stigma against stimming as a whole

- Dropping hints instead of just saying it directly

- Don’t think this really counts as a rule, but flirting

April 23: Do you have any internal rules? What are they?

I’m not quite sure what this question means. Do you mean like morals? Or OCD stuff?

how I empathise

I have what I would call hyperempathy.

This means, I will empathise with anything and everything and I can’t control it.

In order to understand how someone or something might feel in any given situation, my brain will simulate the situation in myself and create emotions that would most logically stem from that experience.

For example, I empathise most strongly with the feelings of those who are just about to die, kill themselves, or be killed. Death is a funny thing to empathise with. It’s hard for me to understand, in a way, so I suppose that is why I empathise most strongly with it.

So, if I read about someone being violently murdered or a group of people being massacred, I feel what they might have felt. Fear, anger, panic, pain. I can feel it. Sometimes I feel it so strongly, I start to panic or my anxiety will latch onto it and kick me into depression or other low moods.

Sometimes, I’ll feel ill if I empathise too strongly for too long.

Remember how some people will throw up after witnessing something traumatic? I’ll feel like that. I won’t throw up, because my body hasn’t been pushed to that edge, but I’ll feel subtle effects.

This makes it very hard for me to read books or history with great detail on killing. I can’t turn it off.

Another thing I empathise with strongly is the emotions of others, including my family and close friends. Their emotions influence mine very strongly and if they mention feeling anxious or hurt, I’ll feel that as well.

Sometimes, when it’s bad enough, I’ll be able to hold myself together long enough to help calm them down, but then I’ll need someone to help calm me down as well.

Empathy is a strange thing for me. It controls a lot of what I feel and even though I’d like it to stop in some situations, it continues to affect me. I’m not trying to be rude and I’m certainly not attempting to fake my understanding of something that has happened to someone else. I just love and feel so strongly for others, wanting them to be happy or feel alright that when they don’t, I need to understand why and the only way I can is by replicating what I imagine their emotions to be in myself.

The pioneers of a warless world are the young men who refuse military service.

Albert Einstein (via infj-misc)

“Just as their thought processes are complex, so are their emotions. Linda Silvennan, a prominent specialist in the field of the gifted and talented, notes: The intricate thought processes that mark these individuals as gifted are mirrored in the intricacy of their emotional development. Idealism, self-doubt, perceptiveness, excruciating sensitivity, moral imperatives, desperate needs for understanding, acceptance, love - all impinge simultaneously. Their vast emotional range make them appear contradictory: mature and immature, arrogant and compassionate, aggressive and timid. Semblances of composure and self-assurance often mask deep feelings of joy; feeling incredibly alive; and experiencing even the greatest pain [as] ecstatic and full of life (Piechowski, 1991 cited in Grant, 1995, p.133).”

— Drawing the Line: The Adjustment and Maladjustment of Gifted Children. OMG, stop talking so accurately about me! Stop the insanity! (via amarantoseverlasting)