I Am Getting Offended By Most Of The Things These Days...

Sometimes you had planned so much about a life with a certain person in it, that even a picture or a memory of them today can make you feel completely empty from inside. Although you were happily living your life on your own till yesterday and its been years of not being in touch with them.

Suicide

As a child I really loved the idea of suicide and kind of glorified it in my mind. It seemed perfect in all ways, you don't have to suffer in old age, you don't have to suffer from the pain of any terminal illness. It was just like if things are not going well you can end things whenever you want. I always liked the fact that suicide gives you the right to end your life as per your wish and instead of someone or something having the ability to end you.

But now a lot of time has passed, I am an adult and very thankful that I found a reason to not do something so 'awesome' as suicide. Because now I am mature and has realised that the notion behind my glorifying suicide had no base. I have realised that Yes when we try to hang ourselves we are the ones to remove that stool from under our feet but the rope we use was given to us by someone else. In simple words we want to end our lives but only because of others and how they treat us, which is obviously wrong. One more thing I realised growing up is that like we got hundred reasons to procrastinate our work, we also got hundred reasons to procastinate the idea of suicide. And for me just a single one was sufficient to keep me alive and also to teach me how to love life.

Maybe you need more than one reason to keep up living but I know you have those reasons, so just find them and cling to it till you start loving yourself and the surrounding. If I can move on everyone can and you know if I would have opted for suicide back when I was a kid, maybe I would have never been able to face all those failures and then enjoyed overcoming them. Challenges don't make your life miserable but they make your life unique. Just like I love to wear a unique dress to a party, I also love having my set of failures and challenges which make my life unique.

Finally, when you feel like ending your life just cling to the 'some' reasons around you to live till the time you start loving your life. Because suicide is stupid and everyone definitely realises that one day.

Winners don't have such remorse

Do you ever wake up with the feeling that a lot is lost

It's summer but you still feel the frost

Everything and everyone is around

But you still can't listen a sound

It's not your life but a trap

You are actually a piece of crap

Your to do list is overflowing

Your courage to start something is slowly going

It's not like you have to start afresh

But where you are standing now, seems nothing more than a mess

Your ambitions are enthusiastically parading

Even though all your motivation is fading

You are somehow willing to leave

But just too scared to believe

Supporting hands seems to tease

Ah! hope you knew, who you want to please

Feel like you have an empty soul

You are too tired to feel not only this but all

You want to speak

Although you are scared that your secret of being a coward might leak

You are not a loser, ofcourse

But you also know that a winner doesn't have such remorse

Two cups of coffee is all I need

But only one cup for me

The other one for someone I really wanna meet

Someone who pays heed

Till then let the coffee rest

Till then I will hope for the best

Silence

You don't know what battles I am fighting

You don't know the ones I am winning and losing

You don't know if my breakfast is sweet or bitter

You don't know if I am returning to a bed of flowers or nails

You don't know if I am having nightmares

You don't know if my mornings are even fair

You just know I speak less

You don't know that each of my actions are shouting ahead

You don't know enough because I am not willing to tell

You don't know enough because you are not the risk I am willing to take

I am an introvert, you think I like playing safe

But you don't know even privacy is like a fire play

The best thing about characters of a book is not what they do in the book, it's the little backstory about them. The story that makes them what they are in the book. No character is beautiful without their backstory. And ain't it the same with humans??

It makes me, me

I was waiting for my feelings to go numb

I was waiting for that day but I was dumb

I thought that with each day the wound would grow old

I expected that each day would make me cold

But little I realised

And very little I was surprised

With each passing day

My feelings started spreading like a ray

It reached ever nook and corner of my existence

But I was still hoping with persistence

It was so difficult to feel

The reason I thought time would heal

Soon I had a lot of opinions

Surprisingly they made me cry more than onions

Soon the tree of feeling got a strong hold

Now I knew nothing was going to get old

All experiences and incidents

Were giving my wounds new dents

Crying became a constant part of my lifestyle

Funny enough that it was just a more defined form of my old style

I didn't know what to do with so much going on inside

Never realised it would be so much more than what was going outside

Checking and rechecking all emotions

Hide and seek with everything was in motion

Defining the ideas I had was important

Knowing I was right was like a reinforcement

I knew the wounds are not going now

But still adapting raised the question how

Connecting dots was a daily routine

Adulting is much more difficult than being a teen

Sensations, feelings and emotions are always going to be difficult for me

But when I introspect I realise it makes me, me.

One sided friendship

I have heard a lot of people explain one sided love

But never heard anyone even talk about one sided friendship

Did you?

Honestly speaking I have been on both ends

I remember ignoring people even when they were ready to loose all for me

I remember being ignored even when I was ready to loose all of me

Did you?

Still think about going back and joining those chords

But what are the odds

Those I ignored have moved on tired of wasting their time

And those on whom I wasted my time never seemed mine

But still I wish for their call

Do you?

I find it weird how we just connect to some

I find it sad when those connections don't care and for them you are not the one

I thought love asked for a lot

but now I think even friendship's demands are not a dot

Do you?

Maybe they asked for so much that I just stayed aloof

Maybe my demands were so much that they considered me fool

Being nice and being friends are different I realised late

Not everyone you like is ready to be a part of your fate

Were you also a one sided friend at one time?

Do you also think that it was worth the time?

What if the efforts were not equal,

It was a friendship you initiated and it will never have a sequel...

Back home, Connell’s shyness never seemed like much of an obstacle to his social life, because everyone knew who he was already, and there was never any need to introduce himself or create impressions about his personality. If anything, his personality seemed like something external to himself, managed by the opinions of others, rather than anything he individually did or produced. Now he has a sense of invisibility, nothingness, with no reputation to recommend him to anyone.

- Normal people by Sally Rooney

It's so intimidating to see myself in a mirror because I see me and then this another person who is not me. A person who is just an amalgamation of my mother, my father and my grandparents. A person who is not one but many. And it is so amazing and frightening at the same time. The fact that like every other thing, like every other incident, and person, you also hold the potential to be beautiful and scary not only to others but to your own self too.