My Words - Blog Posts

You are the air I need to breath. My body has grown dependent on you and you don’t even acknowledge my existence anymore. I’m suffocating without you. And you learned how to breathe without me.

theheartoftheplanet

no matter how hard i scrub i can never get you off of me. you’re touch lingers, it lingers where you tightened your fingers around my wrists and held me down, it lingers in the flesh of my arms and chest that you bit into. i’m reminded every time someone touches me, i have to tell myself that it isn’t you and that im safe now. you changed me, you changed me and i can never be who i was before i knew you. im okay with that now but it still hurts sometimes. did you know what you were doing was bad? do you know how i think of you now? i hope you realise it someday, and i hope i never see you ever again.

i sink my teeth in, every bite i take i crave more of you

TRUTH UNTOLD - by Joud Aburashed

I have so much to say But the world might decay Fear hurts not as much as regret  So I sharpen my sword ready to strike For my words are a weapon filled with might I look into the eyes of those souls Who were taught to keep their words behold Reassurance floods as for me I'm bold This is a new chance For righteousness to breed and enhance  Something weighs on my shoulder  It burns like ice yet even colder  So I release Finally feeling relief  This wasn't a war  This was for peace  For what is most valuable to me My morals that run glee So speak up for what you believe  You might feel relief 

This isn't summer...

This isn't fall...

So this must be

Autumn

I write this with

melancholic music

blasting in my ears.

It's comfortable,

relatable.

It's hopeless,

as I long to be.

back from a vacation to the same spirals and work, home sweet home.

I'm not the past version of myself who didn’t rest,

I'm not okay and I need the help.

If my mental illnesses weren't enough, the seasonal cold has been sitting on my head making my mind even more cloudy and jammed. How is any of this fair?

The cold and the void have made me into a deadly concoction of shivering mess.

Fucked and how. I need a vacation. Getting it. Then back to the bullshit which is my life.

My core self was quiet because I was told to be. And hence, this. Sigh. So many to blame but a lot to remedy. First, the need of the hour: removing triggers of all my illnesses. Let's get to that, yes.

✨️finally gone manic after being unable to want to breathe for years ✨️

it's breaking me to cry for nothing

no one

something I never had

and probably never would

it's a longing that has no end

no reason

- after a negative pregnancy test

I can't form so much as a tear

but I seem to be drowning still.

Three days of no meds and sleepiness and full stomach. I wonder how it would be when I start taking my meds again from tomorrow.

I can't feel the hurt or the pain,

only the excruciating absence of happiness.

Having a PMDD-esque period in sync with the depersonalisation and derealisation episode is really milking my bpd this week and it's only my first day.

More horrors to come tomorrow!

This Morning: A Thread (TW: Suicidal ideation)

My brain: Ugh, not again

How and why am I still alive?

Because I just fell asleep, it's normal

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be here.

I cannot unalive myself here. I need to wait until I can.

I need to study, get my degree, get a job, start living alone.

Only then will I be able to end it.

Alone, alone, alone.

Yes, only a few more years.

Let's start the day.

✨Fucked it up again ✨

I feel numb, I don't want to think about anything. It's too much. I didn't want to wake up today. I have a lot to take care of and think about but I just don't have it in me to tend to anything.

I feel numb.

Time to go underground and push everyone away after an overwhelming weekend.

A totally unexpected plan ending as a tool to rediscover your sexuality and dabbling into other's fantasies as it made you tap into your inner dom is ecstatic, especially when you've been in a constant bpd depressive episode and stuck in every other aspect of your life.

I never lost it but found something even more exciting.

I'm so sick of these destructive defense mechanisms that do protect me from getting hurt but at the same time trigger the fear of abandonment, because of which I employ these mechanisms in the first place.

What the fuck.

as the solitude comforts me,

the loneliness eats me up and

I let it.

Just dissociating after crying and spiralling for losing a bunch of hair, courtesy of my antidepressant and lack of self care. Enough living for today.

I belong to none,

not these extended hands,

the rosey skies,

or the bloodied battlegrounds in my name.

I belong to none other than myself

but know not which one in particular

I may not love myself on most days

but I definitely would not let you either.

On nights like this, I try to remember to be kinder to myself even if that kindness feels so wrong.

I dine alone and I have no cutlery

to hold my appetite

as I attack this platter of death and misery

with my bare hands

and leave no crumbs.