✨️finally Gone Manic After Being Unable To Want To Breathe For Years ✨️

✨Fucked it up again ✨

i'm so sensitive that sometimes my brain makes my emotions go numb as a self-defense mechanism

Time to go underground and push everyone away after an overwhelming weekend.

Along with bpd, is unreal in another dimension

having bipolar and being told you have it for the rest of your life with no cure feels so unreal to me.

Trying to not to be afraid of this energy. One of the days when I feel sorry for myself. Sigh.

I write this with

melancholic music

blasting in my ears.

It's comfortable,

relatable.

It's hopeless,

as I long to be.

it's breaking me to cry for nothing

no one

something I never had

and probably never would

it's a longing that has no end

no reason

- after a negative pregnancy test

What if I told you it's all in your head and you're not drowning but living, instead?

Just dissociating after crying and spiralling for losing a bunch of hair, courtesy of my antidepressant and lack of self care. Enough living for today.

It's so much easier to push people away. I don't want to feel anything. I want to turn off my emotions and self destruct. I refuse to feel grief or any strong emotion that I just don't want to feel. I'd rather not think about any of those emotions and just keep trying to destroy myself. I can't cope with real life. I'd rather make them hate me. My brain is telling me to push them away. And I can't stop it.