doctorsickx
90 posts
Latest Posts by doctorsickx
The words, the colors, the sun
fail to showcase my heartbreak
when I have yet to accept it as mine
and only mine to grieve.
THIS. THIS. THIS. I want to plaster this on my face.
I'd like to stop being anxious now. My head is exploding.
It's deeply painful how one person can make you feel like you're walking on clouds and other times, the loneliest person to ever exist.
Last night, I realised how utterly lonely I am without my partner talking to me. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I realised that I have no one left to call and cry to, at midnight. In the past couple years since I've been with my partner, I think I distanced from my friends, but I guess I was already isolated by then.
Anyway, last night, I felt so alone, so lonely, so alienated. It felt like a dagger to my chest when he said he doesn't want to talk. My mind took me to some harrowing places. It felt like our relationship was over and that he doesn't want me anymore. And that he was my go to person and now I've left with no one to talk to when I really need to.
I'm back to how I was before I met him. All alone, all by myself, surrounded by friends but no one to reach out when necessary. It sucks.
Another person to grieve.
Another relationship to remember, woefully.
And many, many valleys of sorrow and mountains of death.
Marina Tsvetaeva, from a diary entry featured in Earthly Signs Moscow Diaries, 1917-1922
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Gentle Spirit
Low and low, I sink
lo and behold, I crumble.
kinda wanna leave. kinda wanna ghost everyone. kinda wanna rot under a blanket. kinda wanna feel loved. kinda wanna feel wanted. kinda wanna
*goes through a hard time*
Me: I must be pretending
*feels incredibly lonely and wants to talk to someone*
Me: ew I'm too needy and weak
*experiences shitloads of emotional pain*
Me: stfu you're not a baby, gulp it down alone like an adult
Tw: abuse
Just survived a couple hours with my abuser while casually chitchatting around family. I need to run away.
yes, please
Craving entertainment but having absolutely no interest in anything
Kill me
yeah
i wanna lay under my blanket and die
Trying to not to be afraid of this energy. One of the days when I feel sorry for myself. Sigh.
“It could’ve been worse.” It could’ve been BETTER. It could’e been EASIER. It could’ve been lovely. It could’ve been beautiful, it could’ve been fun. It could have been simple, it could’ve made you HAPPY.
You can drown in two feet of water just as simply as you can in an ocean. Stop downplaying what happened and neglecting your feelings. Kill that idea with fire. Or at least acknowledge that what happened was bad without immediately trying to justify or dismiss it.
My childhood trauma didn't make me stronger. it made me a people pleaser. it made me forgive way too much. it made me not speak when i'm supposed to. it made me an extreme empath.
I feel so lonely. Not because I don't have people in my life that love me, I do. But I can't help but feel alone. I feel like a monster whenever I don't answer my friends' texts because I can't help it but feel so stressed out and tired and having to deal with people is the last thing I want to do.
I want to be loved and love people but there's an ugly monster that keeps on trying to make me feel and be lonely and alone in my own thoughts.
“It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it's happening.”
I don't want to do this anymore. It fucking hurts so bad. It's not worth it. I'm tired.
i feel so alone all the goddamn time.
The urge to just destroy myself. To cut off everything. To go radio silent on everyone because my brain is absolutely convinced I'll be best off alone, locked in a tiny little box.
Why can't I just have a moment to breathe? To actually enjoy my bit of happiness I get here and there.
I write this with
melancholic music
blasting in my ears.
It's comfortable,
relatable.
It's hopeless,
as I long to be.
Fighting with your own mind for as basic thing as eating, is so fucked up and brutally sad.
Lol I hate being fucking self aware.