90 posts
Latest Posts by doctorsickx - Page 2
back from a vacation to the same spirals and work, home sweet home.
I'm not the past version of myself who didn’t rest,
I'm not okay and I need the help.
Migraine aura + Splitting/ Spiraling = Fucked
If my mental illnesses weren't enough, the seasonal cold has been sitting on my head making my mind even more cloudy and jammed. How is any of this fair?
Along with bpd, is unreal in another dimension
having bipolar and being told you have it for the rest of your life with no cure feels so unreal to me.
The cold and the void have made me into a deadly concoction of shivering mess.
Fucked and how. I need a vacation. Getting it. Then back to the bullshit which is my life.
Lo and Behold, the Low is here!
And so am I. Hihi.
Sigh.
My core self was quiet because I was told to be. And hence, this. Sigh. So many to blame but a lot to remedy. First, the need of the hour: removing triggers of all my illnesses. Let's get to that, yes.
Too many insights. Too many realizations. Long way to go. Sit tight. 🫠
✨️finally gone manic after being unable to want to breathe for years ✨️
it's breaking me to cry for nothing
no one
something I never had
and probably never would
it's a longing that has no end
no reason
- after a negative pregnancy test
I can't form so much as a tear
but I seem to be drowning still.
Three days of no meds and sleepiness and full stomach. I wonder how it would be when I start taking my meds again from tomorrow.
but being numb/feeling empty is a whole another level of worse.
sometimes the emotions get so intense that i'd rather be numb.
I can't feel the hurt or the pain,
only the excruciating absence of happiness.
I need to destroy myself to feel satisfied
Having a PMDD-esque period in sync with the depersonalisation and derealisation episode is really milking my bpd this week and it's only my first day.
More horrors to come tomorrow!
This Morning: A Thread (TW: Suicidal ideation)
My brain: Ugh, not again
How and why am I still alive?
Because I just fell asleep, it's normal
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be here.
I cannot unalive myself here. I need to wait until I can.
I need to study, get my degree, get a job, start living alone.
Only then will I be able to end it.
Alone, alone, alone.
Yes, only a few more years.
Let's start the day.
I feel numb, I don't want to think about anything. It's too much. I didn't want to wake up today. I have a lot to take care of and think about but I just don't have it in me to tend to anything.
I feel numb.
Time to go underground and push everyone away after an overwhelming weekend.
A totally unexpected plan ending as a tool to rediscover your sexuality and dabbling into other's fantasies as it made you tap into your inner dom is ecstatic, especially when you've been in a constant bpd depressive episode and stuck in every other aspect of your life.
I never lost it but found something even more exciting.
As a mentally ill, chronically ill, atheist person I really do wish I believed sometimes. Give me something or someone to blame or bargain with. But I’m just alone in this decaying universe stuck inside a decaying dysfunctional meat suit.
Relating to this on another level these days.
bpd culture is feeling like you're getting better until you start dating someone and getting interested in them and then realizing you're still so, so broken
.
I'm so sick of these destructive defense mechanisms that do protect me from getting hurt but at the same time trigger the fear of abandonment, because of which I employ these mechanisms in the first place.
What the fuck.
i'm so sensitive that sometimes my brain makes my emotions go numb as a self-defense mechanism
as the solitude comforts me,
the loneliness eats me up and
I let it.