As A Mentally Ill, Chronically Ill, Atheist Person I Really Do Wish I Believed Sometimes. Give Me Something

How do I make someone understand

just how much I have to fight everyday?

That I'm perpetually at war with my brain

that I don't let myself lean on anyone but myself

even if it makes the fire harder to extinguish

but isn't that what I really want?

To burn and burn

and burn.

The music dances inside my mind,

It's beautiful and it's urgent

It's my escape from words that I can't find the symphony to write.

it's breaking me to cry for nothing

no one

something I never had

and probably never would

it's a longing that has no end

no reason

- after a negative pregnancy test

yes, please

Craving entertainment but having absolutely no interest in anything

Kill me

THIS. THIS. THIS. I want to plaster this on my face.

I'm so sick of these destructive defense mechanisms that do protect me from getting hurt but at the same time trigger the fear of abandonment, because of which I employ these mechanisms in the first place.

What the fuck.

Lo and Behold, the Low is here!

And so am I. Hihi.

Sigh.

Migraine aura + Splitting/ Spiraling = Fucked

Tw: abuse

Just survived a couple hours with my abuser while casually chitchatting around family. I need to run away.