Complex Ptsd - Blog Posts

This is exactly how I remember it.

A family vacation coming up

The day before we leave

She was super excited about it just yesterday,

But I noticed she seemed a little sad.

Today its just...distant.

Quiet...short responses...but most of all

The feeling 8n the air itself that terrible things are about to happen.

It's easier now, to see that it is probably my ptsd...

But it does confirm that there is ptsd to work through, and that makes me sad.

Because I'm fidgeting just hoping and praying and doing everything in my power to be kind and thoughtful and PERFECT

Because I trained myself for years to avoid the outburst I could never keep from coming.

TW

It's crazy how with a little bit of adhd and excelling grades you can convince everyone that Ur fine, even when Ur OD'ing.

vincent being afraid of doctors as an adult without really understanding why.

vincent feels the physical symptoms of anxiety, with unrationalised fear of the doctor that caused him to practically attack his doctor, who was then saved by a very concerned reeve.

they have to take him to cloud's doctor, who specializes in ex-SOLDIER care, in that his office looks unlike the labs in all ways possible. no coats, no mako tanks, and ecstatic consent with every action. cloud mostly only goes for emergencies, or when tifa and marlene bully him into it, but cid and reeve grew up on yearly doctor's visits. besides the fact that vincent has a more "dangerous job", the two of them worry about vincent's mysterious medical history.

eventually vincent puts it together that he's equating nibelheim's basement to doctor's offices, lucrecia's prodding to blood tests. cid and reeve insist they come with, and vincent doesn't need to come along to theirs.

Imagine a magical modern world where everyones ability is to manifest their personality/mental state/subconscious into a physical thing, and scientists find that theres a pattern within manifestations that allows doctors to diagnose people with a simple examination of their manifestation.

Trigger warning

And everything im about to list off would be traits if their abilities, not the actual abilities themselves

They stack, but are as powerful as the impact they have on the user

Narcs' manifestation would probably have something to do with themselves, or having themselves as the center

DID would probs be the ability to manifest multiple small/weak/incomplete symbolic (or not) things representing their alters or a single materialization of something cracked/split (necromancer except they bring to life their alters)

Id imagine depression would involve an ability with the perk to draw people in, like a siren

Anxiety would involve something to do with an unnerving type sensation, sounds, vibrations, disruptions, the sense of slowed or sped up time

Bipolar, a changing, fast, or sudden type ability

Ptsd/cptsd would probably have a flashing, sudden, or jarring type ability

Schizophrenia would be hallucinogenic, (that one spiderman scene from homecoming with that bastard man showing spidey things that arent real), aoe tyoe ability

Ocd maybe would have something to do with controllingness, intrusive/invasive actions (the itrusive thoughts in ocd becomes the premise of what happens to who ever their using their ability against? Idk ocd that well)

Phobias - depending on the phobia, the way you'd deal with what your afraid of being your ability. Arachnophobia - your ability being pest amd spider resiliant, agoraphobia - your ability having something to do with being able to hide somewhere safe that youve made (small portable inner world? Invisibility??)

ED; makes the person feel the opposite of their disorder (if the user has binge eating issues, then their power would make others feel empty/hungry/hollow; anorexia or restrictive would be like overwhelming the sense with a feeling of fullness, stuffiness, claustrophobia; etc)

Disassociative having something to do with an incredible europhoric/dream feeling or with an incredibly grounding, kind of like "oh yea i just remembered my entire life situation and cant escape" type feeling

ADHD either has something to do with the inability to have others activate their powers, control them well, or consistantly.

Addiction/substance abuse would be kind of like the helplessness, constant incessant need for something, anxiety, etc

Tw: abuse

Just survived a couple hours with my abuser while casually chitchatting around family. I need to run away.

Oh yes, this is a really helpful guide. It can also be helpful to non-autistics as well! Some symptoms of ASD can also cross over to other conditions like PTSD and ADHD. It’s important to recognize your limits and know when you need to step away!

Some things that tip me off when I’m getting overloaded are on this list, but disassociation and the freeze response can also be reactions of overload too. So can becoming mono-syllabic or non-verbal.

Another important thing: don’t belittle yourself for needing a break! Everyone needs one from time to time, even neurotypicals. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, knowing how to take time for yourself in stressful situations is a sign of good boundaries and good mental health! I wish more parents taught this stuff to their kids; so many meltdowns could have been avoided.

Clues to help you figure out if an autistic friend or loved one is in overload

Overload is basically the point where our Autistic brains can no longer handle input. It's not a meltdown or shutdown, but more of a mental checkout. Frequent overloads, however, can lead to meltdowns or shutdowns.

It's important not to assume that we will have overload only in loud or busy environments. Autistic brains often process information at a much slower pace than a NT brain, so even quiet environments can cause overload if something triggers it.

Note: not every autistic experience is the same and these are general guidelines only.

Common signs of overload:

Loss of facial expression or difficulties in making facial expressions. May start to exaggerate facial expressions, too, as they are struggling to mask.

Staring off into space, easily distracted, struggling to pay attention etc.

Increased stimming.

Difficulties in speaking such as stuttering, forgetting words, mixing up sounds, or difficulty speaking at all.

May try to cover their ears, eyes etc to sensory input.

Increased sensitivities and may include new or unique sensitivities.

Headaches or feeling physically sick such as sweating, stomach ache etc.

Fellow Autistics: what signs would you like for others to know?

notalgia is so strange because what do u mean i long for things that remind me of the worst times of my life?

made a meme for anyone else out there who gets stuck in the "it wasnt that bad!" or "maybe im not traumatized!" loops because trauma denial sucks ass!!! you all are valid!!!

Edge of Faith -kalika

FRIEND.

I count the days that have gone by,

To remind myself to be proud,

But the longer the voices have been quiet,

Only makes them all the more loud,

It’s not only when I’m awake I’m fighting,

It happens even when asleep,

I wake up, shaking and shouting,

My veins start to burn as I weep.

That burning hot pain in my back,

Damn, my arms and my wrists and my throat,

can’t smother them with hands or scratches,

It takes over and drapes like a coat.

I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong,

‘Is there anyone out there like me?’

But then I remember my friend, my love,

Good old PTSD.

LOVE, DEAR ABBY

It be like that sometimes.

(Source: @mysillycomics! I got this off Instagram so I didn’t know it cropped the artist credit out!)

Someone said happiness will come to me but when? Am i the only one who believes that good things must come into my life in a stipulated time, otherwise it’s like trying to feed someone who’s already full?

And my ptsd driven brain just reaffirms this idea, a timely positive prescence is more important than anything else

Episode 15 & 16 Analysis Bits

This is a analysis post of all the little things that I, and probably some of you guys noticed in the latest 2 episodes.

The Diamond Essence

So Steven used all the diamond essence. Everyone knows that. But the contrast between how the essence blends in episode 1 and 15 is pretty interesting.

In episode 1 of SUF, the blend of essence looks very smooth, bright, and wavy. It sparkles in a very nice and harmonious way.

However, in the latest episode, the blend looks far more... fragmented. Unstable. Dark.

This is probably a representation of his mental state being far more jarred, unstable, and just unhealthy. Rather than spreading evenly and properly, his essence just spreads, like a stain. Or a corruption scar....

Steven's forms

Steven has changed shape, size and even color this season. There are some things to take note of:

Steven's form changes either uniformly or chaotically. This probably indicates weather the change is a reaction or an internal change. That's why Steven grew so chaotically and unsustainably in Growing Pains, but grew in a “healthier” way during Fragments. Not that the way he grew was healthy at all.

We know from the series that gems, including Steven, change form depending on their mental state. Steven changed into chad Steven because he felt stronger. Steven might change into the wyrm because he feels out of control, like a corrupted gem.

Pink Diamond Resembelence

Steven underwent a number of physical changes during Fragments, but one of the most significant ones was his increasing resemblance to his mother.

He's taller, about quartz height. His hair is poofier, like Pink's hair, and it even has the same tufts as hers. And the eyes? People have been pointing out that they have white pupils like White's , rather than Blue and Yellow's black pupils. And that must be deliberate.

White said she wanted to fix things. When she couldn’t, she moved ahead. Steven wants to fix things, but he can't live without a purpose. His family saw him as a burden when he couldn’t do anything. That has fed into his current state, if not created it.

Betraying Every Single Crystal Gem Value

This is probably one of the things that hit me the hardest in this episode. He managed to:

Destroy organic life

SHATTER A GEM

Enjoy violence and causing pain

Within 3 days. All things that his mother fought so hard to prevent from occurring. Perhaps this is why he has decided to do it. His mother didn’t want it, so in an attempt to prove that he's his own person, he does all of the things that would cause disapproval from anyone but Jasper.

It's convoluted and awful, but in a way it makes sense. If he does what his family wants, they will always want more. They'll never want more of this.

Greg

When Steven said “You’re just like mum”, I was astounded by how offensively Greg took it. Astounded for a good reason. He realises that Rose wasn't an entirely altruistic person.

I think this actually shows an incredible amount of strength in Greg. I feel like Steven overreacted in the situation, but Greg has grown nonetheless.

He did get carried away though. He whisked Steven through his youth, without any regard for his feelings. Instead of sitting and talking, he tried to distract Steven. And that CD... context, Greg. Context.

Also, they way that he implies that Steven was “free” shows how little he helped bring up Steven after he moved in with the gems.

Anyway, that was a lot to unpack. I hope you enjoyed reading it! If you have any thoughts, let me know.

- Pasta