Disorganized Attachment - Blog Posts

Sometimes, I don't want to heal. Healing almost feels like a betrayal to myself. I know what they've done, and the damage will never be fully healed. It almost scares me to think that I might forget or become numb to it. As long as the wounds stay open, and I still feel the burning pain, it's real. I can't trick myself into thinking it's not.

There are other times when I don't want to heal because people might not believe me. I've already plenty who don't, but it would be so much worse if someone saw evidence of my trauma but didn't believe me because the rest of my personality and coping mechanisms seem normal. If I stay broken, the smaller cracks are less noticable, and they're easier to explain. Obviously, a shattered window is going to have both big and small cracks and might even be missing some pieces.

Sometimes healing just doesn't seem worth it because I feel like my life should be perfect once I'm past that point. People have it worse, and the worst is behind me, so I have no right to be this way.

I don't know. I'm not sure I want to heal

Abuser got me an expensive gift and now I'm spiraling again...

I'm trying to leave but... If I cut contact, I'll feel guilty and everyone except one person who relates will hate me...

It's wild how abusers will normalize things and use different language to make it sound okay.

"spanking" instead of "hitting" or "beating" unless they're threatening you. Once it's over, you got *spanked" and not "beaten."

I've known for a while that my parents were physically abusive when I was growing up, but I was afraid to call what they did "beating" until recently. I had a conversation with someone I grew up with, and that's what she called it. I was dumbfounded for a second before I stopped and thought about it. Then, I felt validated and heard.

Don't you just love it when you start doubting everything just because your abuser got you Christmas presents and acted normal for two days?

And people wonder how you get stuck in the cycle...

People aren't joking when they say progress isn't linear... I hate it here

Oh I don't like how my parents are treating me... But I guess it's normal. I'll try to be better :)

Hm. Being better didn't work. Maybe I'll try again. :)

Okay maybe I'm just having some trouble. They could be nicer about it though

Okay. They're definitely mistreating me. Someone help?

Hm. Maybe I should run away. Maybe if they find out how much they're hiring me, they'll stop.

They know... They don't care. I wish someone would come and save me.

Maybe if I tell them again, they'll care this time and change?

They still don't care. I'll leave at 18. I can make it.

Not sure if I can make it that long, but at least it's not as bad as it was before.

Maybe I was just overreacting and it's not that bad. It could've been way worse

It was pretty bad. Once I move out, I'm cutting them off.

But I can't abandon them.... They're my family...

But I wouldn't let my friends be treated that way. I should stick to the plan

The plan didn't work, but I still plan to cut contact.

But I've been a burden for a while. The least I could do is repay them and stick around. It doesn't matter if I'd let my friends do it. They're not as awful as me

They're back at it.... I'm leaving... When I finally get the money

Oh so you're just going to use them until you get on your feet and then abandon them????

Is there a term to describe people with "trauma" who don't know if theirs even constitutes as trauma? And if it is, then it's not as bad as it could've been? Like instead of having drug dealing parents who beat you into a concussion weekly, you had parents who never seemed to quite be proud of you, parents who had a clear favorite, could be considered abusive to certain degrees but verbally abusive more often than physically? What about the guilt that comes with it? I would like to know for several purposes...