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Unresolved Trauma - Blog Posts
Constantly being surrounded by people who have it worse than you so you don’t realize how bad it is until you mention something offhandedly that you thought was funny and someone looks at you and tells you that the thing you thought was good was actually bad and then you start thinking and remembering how everything wasn’t good at all and was actually very bad
Nobody ever tells you the uglier side of recovery. Especially when your mental illness is stacked on top of other issues than cannot be cured.
Take dental hygiene for example. Say you've been deeply depressed for years, to the point of not brushing your teeth. Add ADHD and autism to that, making it even harder.
After several years, I've entirely fucked my teeth. Now that it's just SLIGHTLY better, I could start working on dental hygiene... But what's the point? The damage is done. It's irreparable without major, expensive surgery, and at this point, I might as well get a whole new mouth.
I'm left wondering, "what the hell is the point?" And I start to regret the miniscule amount of progress I've made and the fact that I survived this long.
I hate it when people are subtly assholes. I already have an awful time remembering things some days.
That, and my family already thinks I'm weak and useless. My father problems are overtaking my my mother issues at the moment, and I remind her that he's been acting more and more like a dick overtime. I told her months ago, but she brushed it off. Someone asks for context. She tells them it's because I was upset about having to do the dishes...
I'm not a fucking toddler.
I can handle being asked to do fucking chores just fucking fine. The problem is that he would randomly threaten to beat my ass or tell me and my brother that we're fucking assholes and tell us that no one cares about him and wants him to die... The thing is, I did most of the cooking and a good chunk of the cleaning. This rat fucking bastard never bothered cleaning his room, which over time, could've caused us to get evicted.
Not only that, but he'd blame my mother's disability to worm himself out of responsibility until it became an actual issue, then it's suddenly all her fault. Literally fuck both of them. She's not the only person he's hurt and vice versa, but I look fucking insane because I'm the only one (other than the two of them) that's gotten the worst of them.
AND NO ONE IN MY FAMILY EVER FUCKING BELIEVES HOW BAD IT CAN GET.
I hate this shit. I hate having been raised by terrible people. I hate living with terrible people. I'm already at the edge of my fucking rope, partially because of this bastard, but I can't afford to do anything stupid for that same reason. You tell me to hurry up and get a job and then you steal the goddamn car. No one wants to fucking hire me, and you ruin my chances even more. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Even if I do get a normal job that I have to commute to daily, I'll only last so long. There's a metaphorical bomb strapped to my fucking chest and I can only hope I'll have enough money to cover the costs of the fallout by the time it detonates.
I desperately need someone to let me cry into their chest until I can't breathe. Please. I can't take being an adult anymore
It is your responsibility to heal, but you know what? That wasn’t fair. And I want to acknowledge that.
You don’t deserve to have to heal from the things others did to you. You didn’t deserve what happened.
While you do have to do the work to heal, it’s okay to be angry that you have to in the first place. And it’s easy to get stuck on the fact that you shouldn’t have to. And I get that. But please don’t give up. You should heal because you deserve to be the healed you. It’s not fair you have to do it, but you deserve to heal.
anyone else live under the assumption that they’re constantly doing something wrong
One of the newer daycare teachers at my center was complaining about a specific child - who has a lot going on we’re still trying to map out, but definitely some type on developmentally divergent on top of attachment issues with their single mom.
Anyway, said kid, a little under 4 years old, was resisting doing art, which was really upsetting the one one teacher when the other (who’s worked with this kid for over 2 years) was basically like “Ok, not today, this isn’t a good day for you.”
One thing I do when I find kids at the center resisting my instructions is asking “Why” - on me.
Why am I asking this child to do something?
“What they are doing isn’t safe” and “What they are doing is harming another child” are obviously good reasons for me to pursue my point.
“Maintain structure” is, honestly, generally a good reason, where “structure” is the regular rules and expectations of the class and schedule.
Having a predictable structure helps most children feel safe, because they don’t have to be the adult and decide what is going to happen - their teachers are the ones that set boundaries for safety, have their physical needs met, and create expectations that allow them to develop patience and delayed gratification.
But forcing a child to participate in an activity? Not just “now it is art, because we do art every day” but “you must do art??”
Asking my “Why, what is the child getting out of this” devolves down after a few levels to:
The child has to learn to comply over their own mental health.
Even the more experienced teacher who let the one kid sit out and rest from art is irritated when children refuse to sit quietly during Circle Time, which pisses me off because all the trainings I’ve taken on Circle Time say “have a quiet activity optional for children who don’t want to sit and participate.”
Sadly, as I was discussing this with my other Autistic coworker at closing, we agreed that “Conformity despite mental health” is a primary rule in modern education, and both of us despite being aware of the obvious issues with this are powerless to even motivate major change within our own center without taking “Room Lead” roles.
Which we both agree would break either of us. 😓
with adhd/autism it's funny like. people will call you weird all your life, people will bully you for your "outlandish" behaviour, people will criticize literally everything you do as "not normal", BUT THE SECOND YOU GET DIAGNOSED (or suggest you might have it) they're like "huh what but you're so normal, you're literally the most normal person I've ever seen, you're literally so normal and absolutely nothing is wrong with you? why would you have that now all of a sudden???"
Things abusers do to sabotage you from leaving, or ‘Why you can’t just leave’:
Parental
convince you that you couldn’t survive without them and you wouldn’t be able to support yourself or make it out there alone
refuse to teach you survival skills, find excuses like 'you’re too clumsy, you’re not capable, you wont be able to do this’
convince you of 'catastrophic events’ that would take place if you were out there; homelessness, starvation, social rejection, failing at everything, financial struggles, kidnapping, murder
convince you that the world is a scary place and you’d be a failure and dead 'in the real world’
traumatize you to the point where you struggle to get thru the day, which now also makes it seem like you wouldn’t be able to make it on your own
talk you out of finding work, tell you about awful things that would happen to you if you went and found a job, try to make you to 'work for them’ or at least in the close area
if you find work, they claim a part or entirety of your income, making sure you don’t have escape money
regularly make you feel ashamed of not being able to be independant, and letting you know that only people who are able to be independant deserve to have freedom and place out in the real world
guilt-trip you to feel like you owe them caretaking because they raised you, so you’re owing them to stay and take care of them instead of living your own life
Emotional
complain about how 'everyone abandons them’ in order to make you feel like you’re just 'one of the bad ones who betrayed them’ if you think about leaving
every time you try to leave, they overwhelm you with a new incident, sickness or drama that makes it seem like you’re abandoning them in the middle of a tragedy
act overly attached to you, making sure you know that if you left, they wouldn’t know what to do without you, and they’d be heartbroken, but still they refuse to respect your boundaries
convince you that you’re “all they’ve got”, you’re special and unique to them, only you can understand and help them
love-bomb you until you’re attached and bonded to them to the point where leaving feels unimaginably painful because you’d be losing your closest person in the world
begging, pleading, acting like they gave you no reason to leave, promising to change, promising to do anything you’ve wanted to happen for a long time, making you feel like things are just about to get good and like they regret everything bad they’ve ever done
launching an attack on your persona, pointing out every time you did something 'bad’ and insisting that you’re actually the worst of the two, so you can’t blame them for anything
guilt trips; reminding you of everything they’ve done for you and how ungrateful you are, reminding you of all of the nice things you’ve said about them before, asking if it ever meant anything, accusing you of being heartless if you go, of never loving them, of mistreating them, accusing you of being toxic, deciding you’re hurting them on purpose if you leave
deciding you’re leaving because of their specific problem/situation/disability/illness that you’ve always been considerate and supportive about (another guilt trip)
say it’s “your fault they’ll never get better” with whatever you were helping them with
deciding you only want to leave because of your unhealthy trust issues or 'you push people away’ or 'misinterpret things because of your trauma’ and asking you to be honest with yourself
asking you to explain in detail why you feel the need to leave, only to attack your reasoning and explain it all away and minimize it to make it seem like you have no good reason for leaving
tell you that 'nobody will ever love you again’ if you leave
threaten to expose your most vulnerable secrets if you leave
threaten to hurt themselves if you leave
Psychological
gaslight you into doubting whether you’re abused, to the point where you feel like you’re exaggerating, going insane, remembering things wrong, and unsure if the problem is you or them
time an event of abuse specifically when you’re trying to work on something, or you’re immensely stressed and trying to meet a deadline, so you’d be too overwhelmed with fear/anger/grief, and can’t make your work in time
regularly having intense violent or dramatic reactions to your harmless behaviour, making you feel like you can’t predict what they’ll do if you leave or how that could end for you
support your codependency on them, or financially support your addiction, so you feel tied to them and have to go back to them in order to feel normal again
undermine and trash your work, imply or outright say your work is stupid, meaningless, badly done, and not worth doing, trying to discourage you from working
verbally assault you and criticize your work to the point where you start to feel anxious and upset whenever you’re working, making work a trauma trigger for you
punish you for 'lying to them’ if you fail to mention something, making it clear that you will get hurt every time you make any move they don’t like, which makes it even more scary to leave
threaten to make a suicide attempt if you leave
threaten to hurt you if you leave
threaten to report you and try to get you imprisoned for a real or imagined crime if you leave
threaten to have you admitted to a mental institution (or any other kind of institution) where you’ll be even more controlled
threatening your family members, loved ones, friends, and/or pets, saying horrid things they would do to them if you dared to disobey or leave
threaten to find you and drag you back and hurt you if you try to leave
say outright they’re going to kill you if you ever leave, or that they’d rather have you dead than gone
Social Isolation
create insecurities in your behaviour, repeatedly imply or claim you’re too loud, obnoxious, sensitive, crazy, stupid, clueless, demanding, nagging, until you’re worried that everyone is secretly judging you and the world feels against you
take apart your appearance until you feel too insecure and lose confidence in socializing or meeting new people, constantly feeling like you need to 'fix yourself’ first
demean and condemn your personality, appearance, social standing, finances, capabilities, to the point where they decide you can’t do any better than them and you should feel lucky anyone is tolerating you at all
inflict punishments on you for socializing or hanging out with new people; break your things, throw jealous tantrums, ask why they’re not enough for you, go thru your things, rage
violate your privacy and take away things you need in order for them to control when you’re allowed to have them
smear-campaign you; spread lies about what you were like to them so everyone sides with them, and blames you and tells you what to do (exactly what the abuser wants you to do)
turn your family members and friends against you, and make sure they’ll be unnaccepting of you and refuse to help you if you try to leave
Physical
Physically assaulting you if you do something they don’t want you to do, making it clear they’re going to hurt you for any attempt at leaving them as well
Physically assault you if you try, or say you’re going to leave
Inflict injuries on you that will prevent you from working/being independent
Stalking, making it known they can always find you and seek revenge if you dare to leave
Influencing other people to stalk you and let him know where you are and what you’re doing; making you feel like you’re always being watched and always surrendered by their influence
hurt themselves physically if you make an attempt, or even say that you’re leaving
attempt suicide if you make an attempt of leaving
attempt at murder if you try to leave
Financial
create and maintain a financial situation where they are the only one having income, and they’re able to control how much money you get to spend
withhold financial knowledge from you so you’d be clueless about their finances, and managing finances in general (you can’t get an idea of how much money it takes to get thru a month)
refuse to give you your right to keep your money separately from theirs
create financial trouble that you have to solve, taking up all of your savings in the process
take your money without asking, and the amount you’d never consent to, and they give you excuses and pretend it was 'necessary’
accuse you of 'spending irresponsibly’ as an excuse to confiscate or control the money you have on your person (or in your account)
throw a fit if they find out you have any money on you that they’re not aware of/have approved of (if you borrow or win or earn money that they didn’t give you)
make sure you’re overwhelmed with tasks and problems and emotional trauma, to the point where you don’t have a chance to get out and find a job, or go and look for resources for getting out of abuse
stand against you getting more education, or starting any new activities with people around you (making sure you don’t get any social connections that could lead to a job)
get you fired from a job by spreading lies or calling in and harassing the employer about you
forcing you to spend any money they know you have saved up, so you’d have no money to plan escape
It is NOT EASY to leave, and statistically it takes several attempts to leave an abusive situation. Be aware that it’s hard because they’re sabotaging your every step, not because you’re not doing enough. Abusers often wont show their abusive side until they’re absolutely sure that you have nowhere else to live, and no other place to go. All of the things on this list are psychologically damaging, and terrifying to live thru. All of this is abuse. Nobody has the right to tell you this is your fault. Keep trying. Keep fighting.
If you’re struggling to leave an abusive situation, here’s an article on How to Leave an Abuser.
Abusive parents will program you so extensively, that when you’re asked:
‘What have your parents done to you?’
the only thing you know how to answer is:
‘They gave me the roof over my head and clothed me and fed me.’
Because that’s whats repeated to you almost every day of your life to be grateful for, you don’t have the words to describe the devastating abuse and hatred, because they don’t want you to have the words for it. All they teach you to say is ‘I’m grateful and it could have been so much worse’.
That’s how nobody can ever find out about the abuse. They make sure the children won’t know how to answer even if asked.
[image ID: December 7, 2021 tweet by butchanarchy that reads,
If 1 in 4 adults in America truly are estranged from their families it is due to the fact that we have normalized a culture of abuse, not that “cancel culture” has gotten out of hand.
Cutting off someone you have kinship ties with, especially if they are a parent, is not something people do at the drop of that hat or when the mood takes them. It is something that happens when a mutually respectful relationship has shown itself to be impossible.
/end image ID]
skipping the first part because parent
Desensitizing and normalizing abuse
This person has me seeing a lot of media with abuse in it, and compares it to their behaviour.
This person talks about abuse that is worse than what they're doing, to remind me how good they are in comparison.
I feel like I need to accept their views and be understanding to them or else I am a bad person
I've seen this person act awfully towards other people and I got used to the idea that it's normal and it might be me one day
I know this person thinks horrible things about other people, and I'm scared they'll think the same about me
This person thinks that not being tough and enduring abuse would make me a weakling
This person shows me that being a little rough and violent is just a joke and not a big deal
This person likes telling jokes in which they make fun of someone by humiliating or insulting them, and is convinces me it's just good fun
This person doesn't think their actions would affect someone strongly
This person doesn't seem to feel much guilt when they hurt me, even when I would be horrified to hurt someone else this bad
if someone complains about their behaviour, then that person is called oversensitive, or a killjoy
This person talks about horrible things they've been thru, even when i'm too young to perceive or understand it
This person thinks people who complain about abuse and violence are bad and weak, and just need to endure it and get over it already
This person thinks abuse victims are themselves to blame for participating
This person thinks victims of abuse secretly want it
Guilt-tripping and punishing
I feel like a bad and selfish person if I say no to them
This person explained to me that everyone else does this kind of thing too, and I am stupid if I refuse to do it
This person convinced me if I didn't accept what they do to me I would become spoiled, selfish and rotten, useless person and a burden
This person says what they do is "tough love" and it's for my own good
I feel like I'm hurting this person if I don't give them what they need (want)
I owe obedience to this person, I am afraid to fail them
I feel if I don't do or think as this person says, I immediately lose all value in their eyes
If I try to resist this person, they compare me to everyone else who hurt them and make me feel horrible about myself
If I say no to this person, I will become useless in their eyes
If I try to resist this person, they will punish me, and start to resent me
No matter how much I resist this person, it makes things worse for me
No matter how much I resist this person, they wear me down and exhaust me until I can't fight them anymore
If I say no to this person, they ask again and again until I say yes, or make me do it by force
I feel too weak to resist them and I think it's my fault
I know I should resist this person, but I feel like they're only one who love me and I can't bear to lose them
I invested so much time and love in this person, I can't bear risking them leave me if I keep resisting them now
If I resist or confront this person, they ignore me for days/weeks and I feel they hate me
I don't feel like I have a choice but to keep doing what I'm told by this person
If I don't do what I'm told, things might escalate into violence and I am too scared to risk it
I'm scared of what they'll do to me, or themselves if I resist
this person explained to me that I'm silly for trying to resist them and what they want me to do is the right thing and I should do it, even if I feel unwilling
this person insists it's not a big deal what they're doing to me and that I shouldn't overreact to it
Isolation and secrecy
I feel uncomfortable telling anyone about what's happening between me and this person in private
I'm scared if I tell anyone, they wouldn't understand, or they would get angry at me for allowing for it to happen
I feel if I told someone, I would be blamed for everything that happened
I don't have many friends or people who would care about me
I'm scared if I told someone, the person doing this to me would make sure I was blamed
I don't want to be disloyal to this person, I know telling someone would make them look bad
I feel like I must keep everything a secret
this person told me not to tell anyone
this person made threats to me if I told someone
I'm scared of what this person might do to me, or themselves, if I told someone
This person convinced me to get distance from my friends and family, and to not trust other people with anything that happens between us
Rules and terrorizing
I am not allowed to challenge this person, or doubt anything they say. Whatever they say is the truth must be accepted as such, even if I secretly think they might be wrong
I'm not allowed to make this person angry, or I might end up in more pain than I can handle
I'm not allowed to leave or abandon this person, it would make me feel so guilty it would be unbearable
I was allowed to defend myself from this person at the start but I'm forced to give in eventually
I've known this person to do awful things and they might do it to me
I'm aware of how much worse this person could do to me, they keep reminding me to be grateful their behaviour didn't escalate further and how it could
Arguing with this person escalates into insults, humiliation, threats and blackmailing
I'm scared of what this person might reveal to others about me
this person threatened to commit suicide or hurt/murder me if resist
I feel cornered and obliged to go along with this person's demands, to consider otherwise fills me with terror and guilt
I'm terrified of being abandoned by this person, even though being with them is very painful as well
I feel guilty about the things I've allowed this person to do to me, but I don't feel able stopping them from doing more in the future
33...its too much
Am I being groomed to accept abuse? Checklist
This is the checklist for recognizing if you’re groomed into accepting abuse, this checklist doesn’t cover sexual grooming, and for sexual grooming click here. Bold the points that are true for you, italicize if you’re unsure. Even if sexual grooming isn’t covered here, the same methods are used in sexual grooming as well.
Creating an illusion of bond (this step can be skipped if they’re already a part of family and expect trust by default)
This person makes me feel important and special
This person claims they feel admiration and affection for me because of my maturity and intelligence, and that’s why they’re drawn to me even though it might look inappropriate
I am surprised this person would feel anything for me (because of age-difference, they’re a teacher/adult or otherwise authority figure, or because nobody else in my life thinks I’m worthy being cared for)
This person gives me special privileges
This person tells me personal secrets, and I am surprised they trust me with them
This person acts like they already knew me when they just met me, and acts like we’re very close already, even when there wasn’t much time spent together
This person considers me a part of their life very fast and I am flattered by it
This person was very quick to declare affection and love for me
This person shares intimate details of their life with me and I feel special for it
This person makes me feel like they’re the only one who really loves me
This person said they were the only one who really loves me
This person knows things about me nobody else knows
This person makes me feel at ease to talk about my trauma, even when I don’t feel like I could tell anyone else, they don’t judge me
This person seems to think the world of me right away
This person calls me affectionate nicknames that don’t match the length or type of our relationship
This person gives me presents and gifts out of nowhere and I feel indebted and grateful
I feel indebted to this person, even if I didn’t want the gifts they gave me
This person was there for me when no-one else was and I wont abandon them no matter what
This person praises and compliments me for everything I do they want of me, but their praise stops whenever I want to go against their word
Desensitizing and normalizing abuse
This person has me seeing a lot of media with abuse in it, and compares it to their behaviour.
This person talks about abuse that is worse than what they’re doing, to remind me how good they are in comparison.
I feel like I need to accept their views and be understanding to them or else I am a bad person
I’ve seen this person act awfully towards other people and I got used to the idea that it’s normal and it might be me one day
I know this person thinks horrible things about other people, and I’m scared they’ll think the same about me
This person thinks that not being tough and enduring abuse would make me a weakling
This person shows me that being a little rough and violent is just a joke and not a big deal
This person likes telling jokes in which they make fun of someone by humiliating or insulting them, and is convinces me it’s just good fun
This person doesn’t think their actions would affect someone strongly
This person doesn’t seem to feel much guilt when they hurt me, even when I would be horrified to hurt someone else this bad
if someone complains about their behaviour, then that person is called oversensitive, or a killjoy
This person talks about horrible things they’ve been thru, even when i’m too young to perceive or understand it
This person thinks people who complain about abuse and violence are bad and weak, and just need to endure it and get over it already
This person thinks abuse victims are themselves to blame for participating
This person thinks victims of abuse secretly want it
Guilt-tripping and punishing
I feel like a bad and selfish person if I say no to them
This person explained to me that everyone else does this kind of thing too, and I am stupid if I refuse to do it
This person convinced me if I didn’t accept what they do to me I would become spoiled, selfish and rotten, useless person and a burden
This person says what they do is “tough love” and it’s for my own good
I feel like I’m hurting this person if I don’t give them what they need (want)
I owe obedience to this person, I am afraid to fail them
I feel if I don’t do or think as this person says, I immediately lose all value in their eyes
If I try to resist this person, they compare me to everyone else who hurt them and make me feel horrible about myself
If I say no to this person, I will become useless in their eyes
If I try to resist this person, they will punish me, and start to resent me
No matter how much I resist this person, it makes things worse for me
No matter how much I resist this person, they wear me down and exhaust me until I can’t fight them anymore
If I say no to this person, they ask again and again until I say yes, or make me do it by force
I feel too weak to resist them and I think it’s my fault
I know I should resist this person, but I feel like they’re only one who love me and I can’t bear to lose them
I invested so much time and love in this person, I can’t bear risking them leave me if I keep resisting them now
If I resist or confront this person, they ignore me for days/weeks and I feel they hate me
I don’t feel like I have a choice but to keep doing what I’m told by this person
If I don’t do what I’m told, things might escalate into violence and I am too scared to risk it
I’m scared of what they’ll do to me, or themselves if I resist
this person explained to me that I’m silly for trying to resist them and what they want me to do is the right thing and I should do it, even if I feel unwilling
this person insists it’s not a big deal what they’re doing to me and that I shouldn’t overreact to it
Isolation and secrecy
I feel uncomfortable telling anyone about what’s happening between me and this person in private
I’m scared if I tell anyone, they wouldn’t understand, or they would get angry at me for allowing for it to happen
I feel if I told someone, I would be blamed for everything that happened
I don’t have many friends or people who would care about me
I’m scared if I told someone, the person doing this to me would make sure I was blamed
I don’t want to be disloyal to this person, I know telling someone would make them look bad
I feel like I must keep everything a secret
this person told me not to tell anyone
this person made threats to me if I told someone
I’m scared of what this person might do to me, or themselves, if I told someone
This person convinced me to get distance from my friends and family, and to not trust other people with anything that happens between us
Rules and terrorizing
I am not allowed to challenge this person, or doubt anything they say. Whatever they say is the truth must be accepted as such, even if I secretly think they might be wrong
I’m not allowed to make this person angry, or I might end up in more pain than I can handle
I’m not allowed to leave or abandon this person, it would make me feel so guilty it would be unbearable
I was allowed to defend myself from this person at the start but I’m forced to give in eventually
I’ve known this person to do awful things and they might do it to me
I’m aware of how much worse this person could do to me, they keep reminding me to be grateful their behaviour didn’t escalate further and how it could
Arguing with this person escalates into insults, humiliation, threats and blackmailing
I’m scared of what this person might reveal to others about me
this person threatened to commit suicide or hurt/murder me if resist
I feel cornered and obliged to go along with this person’s demands, to consider otherwise fills me with terror and guilt
I’m terrified of being abandoned by this person, even though being with them is very painful as well
I feel guilty about the things I’ve allowed this person to do to me, but I don’t feel able stopping them from doing more in the future
If you bolded and italicized 4 or more of the points of any but the first category, you have underwent some form of grooming. If you bolded and italicized more than 25 of the points, you have been thru extensive and extremely malicious grooming. Anyone put thru this would find themselves helpless and cornered, it is not your fault if you’ve been subjected to this, and you did not attract it into your life.
If you bolded a lot of things in the first category, but not the others, and this relationship is still new, be careful because they might start doing the second phase of grooming at one point. (If the relationship between you and this person already lasted for years and never escalated into any abusive or coercive behaviour, you can ignore that advice).
Psychological brainwashing
they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency
they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own
they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult
they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life
they convinced me I would be dead without them
they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to
they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told
they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)
they convinced me escaping them equals death
they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault
they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it
they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them
they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else
they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own
they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor
they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely
they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused
they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay
they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay
I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do
I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up
I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time
I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now
I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again
I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to
I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me
I don’t believe I could survive without them
I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it
I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here
Violence and threats
they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home
they threatened to hurt me if I leave
they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave
they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave
they threatened to call the police if I leave
they threatened to kill me if I leave
they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave
they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave
they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me
they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death
Emotional manipulation and guilt
they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do
they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive
they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends
they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away
they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to
they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them
they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving
they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them
Escape Sabotage
they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it
they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me
they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover
they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)
they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave
they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away**
they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)
"Oh hey 23 isn't so bad. I wonder what the threshold is."
Three... just three...
**they want me to work or go to school but they dont seem to want me to be independent
Am I being held hostage by abuser(s)? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure.
Psychological brainwashing
they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency
they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own
they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult
they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life
they convinced me I would be dead without them
they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to
they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told
they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)
they convinced me escaping them equals death
they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault
they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it
they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them
they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else
they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own
they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor
they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely
they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused
they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay
they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay
I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do
I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up
I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time
I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now
I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again
I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to
I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me
I don’t believe I could survive without them
I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it
I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here
Violence and threats
they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home
they threatened to hurt me if I leave
they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave
they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave
they threatened to call the police if I leave
they threatened to kill me if I leave
they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave
they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave
they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me
they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death
Emotional manipulation and guilt
they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do
they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive
they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends
they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away
they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to
they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them
they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving
they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them
Escape Sabotage
they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it
they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me
they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover
they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)
they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave
they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away
they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)
if you can bold even 3 of these, your abusers are aware that they’re abusing you, and that is logical for you to want to get away from them, and they’re making direct actions to sabotage and stop you from escaping.Only reason they would try to convince you that you can’t survive without them is that they know you are able to, and they’re actively trying to stop it. If you feel pathetic for not being able to leave, this isn’t true, you’ll notice abusers are putting shitton of work making sure you can’t leave, they wouldn’t be doing that if they really thought you were too pathetic to leave? They’re sabotaging you because they know you can get away.
Also, presenting themselves as the only source of survival, love, and comfort to you? They’re trying to affect you to trauma bond to them and have you develop Stockholm Syndrome, that means you’d be forced to make decisions for their benefit instead of yours, and you wouldn’t be able to fight against them because it would mean risking your life.
Sometimes, I don't want to heal. Healing almost feels like a betrayal to myself. I know what they've done, and the damage will never be fully healed. It almost scares me to think that I might forget or become numb to it. As long as the wounds stay open, and I still feel the burning pain, it's real. I can't trick myself into thinking it's not.
There are other times when I don't want to heal because people might not believe me. I've already plenty who don't, but it would be so much worse if someone saw evidence of my trauma but didn't believe me because the rest of my personality and coping mechanisms seem normal. If I stay broken, the smaller cracks are less noticable, and they're easier to explain. Obviously, a shattered window is going to have both big and small cracks and might even be missing some pieces.
Sometimes healing just doesn't seem worth it because I feel like my life should be perfect once I'm past that point. People have it worse, and the worst is behind me, so I have no right to be this way.
I don't know. I'm not sure I want to heal
no "see results" or "I was never hit as a child" option
Not invalidating anyone, but my abuser used the first two to emphasize how much of a disappointment I was when I couldn't deliver what was expected of me. I was "gifted," but eventually started to slip. Those phrases were used against me even before that whenever I thought something was difficult or I just flat out couldn't do it, which made it so much more painful when I finally reached the bottom of my fall. I wasn't what I was "supposed to be," and never would be.
Some of these others were used but they were empty. If I actually needed help, I likely wouldn't get it. "Are you okay?" "You can tell us anything." "If you need help, just ask." But help never came. For my depression, my anxiety, my autism symptoms, my ADHD symptoms... My siblings were helped when they needed it, but I was left to rot. The most help I got was being able to stay after school for tutoring a few times so I wouldn't have to repeat a class and be even more embarrassing. That didn't last long though and I had to resort to cheating.
The enabler was genuine about being proud. The other couldn't even utter the words to tell that lie. Captain enabler also said we were good kids, but never protected me from the abuse, so there was a lot of dissonance. If I'm a good kid, why am I being punished and called an asshole? A worthless, lazy dumbass? It's confusing.
Phrases I don’t hear from abusive parents:
“You can achieve anything you want.”
”You’ll be fine, you’re smart and capable. You can do this. ”
”Are you alright? Do you need help?
“Are you hurt?”
”I’m sorry.”
“You’re not alone, if you want to pursue this we’ll help you.”
“Nobody is allowed to hurt you.”
“I’ll be here if you need me.”
“It’s all going to be okay.”
“You’re a good kid.”
“You did a great job!”
“I’m proud of you.”
I feel like my brain is just broken beyond repair.
Nobody knows what wrong with it. All we know is that something is wrong.
Whatever it is is irreparable. All I can do is learn to live with it, but I don't want to. It's not fair.
eldest daughter
your round cheeks, a smile all baby teeth before you wore glasses, you looked just like me you spoke in little whispers, so gentle and sweet i taught you letters, excited for you to read
i cannot forget how little you were, so small but you grew so fast and you got tall enough for rollercoasters and water slides old enough for movies and motorcycle rides
old enough to be beat till you sobbed for mercy older and wronged, shivering in fury older still and afraid, running faster than tears this is how i began to fear it still haunts me after all these years
so i shush you when you cry so i threaten when you fight so i stayed awake at night so i learned how we survive
hush little baby, don’t say a word mama might come, but i got here first i know you’re scared, i know it hurts but if she comes, it will hurt worse
i age too fast, but still too slow to keep you safe from every blow i failed so i pray you hold your own
but when i beg forgiveness, you say what for you only know peacetime, never war i think i’m glad you don’t remember all
the bloodshed and the slaughter let it die with the eldest daughter
What if it was years ago, and they didn't exactly try to change, but things aren't as bad as they used to be.
I still feel the pain, but she's has been too terrible recently so I would feel bad if I finally left after all this time. After being a jobless shut in due to depression and possibly autism....
You don't have to feel bad for not wanting to be around the people who hurt you.
No, "but they're your family."
No, "but you used to be friends."
No, "but you have to put up with it because they're your partner."
No.
If someone hurts you repeatedly and there is no indication of them trying to do better, you are allowed to dislike contact with them.
So many people feel guilt over not wanting to be around people that intentionally hurt them.
It's not wrong of you to want distance.
It's not wrong of you to want to be treated well.
Abuser got me an expensive gift and now I'm spiraling again...
I'm trying to leave but... If I cut contact, I'll feel guilty and everyone except one person who relates will hate me...
I think I said too much.
I was mentioning how almost everyone was secretly packing up to move out and away from my abuser and one of her cohorts.
My sibling who doesn't necessarily see her as abusive looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned it...
I hate thism I have almost no one irl I can talk to about this shit, especially since my siblings and I were all treated differently. They even look at me like I'm crazy for pointing it out.
But most of them are in fact leaving to get away from her because she's the problem. Sure, some are leaving because they're young adults now and they need freedom, but you also have to acknowledge her behavior. Not me though. I'm stuck
It's wild how abusers will normalize things and use different language to make it sound okay.
"spanking" instead of "hitting" or "beating" unless they're threatening you. Once it's over, you got *spanked" and not "beaten."
I've known for a while that my parents were physically abusive when I was growing up, but I was afraid to call what they did "beating" until recently. I had a conversation with someone I grew up with, and that's what she called it. I was dumbfounded for a second before I stopped and thought about it. Then, I felt validated and heard.
It's wild how abusers will normalize things and use different language to make it sound okay.
"spanking" instead of "hitting" or "beating" unless they're threatening you. Once it's over, you got *spanked" and not "beaten."
I've known for a while that my parents were physically abusive when I was growing up, but I was afraid to call what they did "beating" until recently. I had a conversation with someone I grew up with, and that's what she called it. I was dumbfounded for a second before I stopped and thought about it. Then, I felt validated and heard.
I've gone from refusing to call what I experienced trauma to looking into finding a psychiatrist to see if I have cptsd.... (Over the course of several years unfortunately)
2006: "No. My parents aren't hitting or beating me. They're spanking me, and for good reason. :/"
2010: "I don't think you should spank kids, but what my parents are doing isn't bad. I think a pop on the hand makes more sense, but these spankings aren't abuse."
2014: "Well now I'm depressed. My parents definitely have a lot to do with it, but I don't think they were physically abusive. Definitely verbally and emotionally but I have no trauma."
2016: "it could have been so much worse, but it's all stuck in my brain and I can't get it out. It's definitely me being sensitive. That stuff doesn't cause trauma."
2019: "So it is trauma... But it wasn't that bad. I heard about little t trauma. That's what it is. I still have no right to complain."
2020: "Trauma is trauma. Why am I comparing? They messed up and I should've left by now. They were physically abusive, but still not that bad. Little t trauma still counts."
Very recently: "Nevermind. Big T trauma. It is most certainly that bad. I wouldn't have reacted that way back then if it wasn't."
Suck that it took me so long
Don't you just love it when you start doubting everything just because your abuser got you Christmas presents and acted normal for two days?
And people wonder how you get stuck in the cycle...
People aren't joking when they say progress isn't linear... I hate it here
Oh I don't like how my parents are treating me... But I guess it's normal. I'll try to be better :)
Hm. Being better didn't work. Maybe I'll try again. :)
Okay maybe I'm just having some trouble. They could be nicer about it though
Okay. They're definitely mistreating me. Someone help?
Hm. Maybe I should run away. Maybe if they find out how much they're hiring me, they'll stop.
They know... They don't care. I wish someone would come and save me.
Maybe if I tell them again, they'll care this time and change?
They still don't care. I'll leave at 18. I can make it.
Not sure if I can make it that long, but at least it's not as bad as it was before.
Maybe I was just overreacting and it's not that bad. It could've been way worse
It was pretty bad. Once I move out, I'm cutting them off.
But I can't abandon them.... They're my family...
But I wouldn't let my friends be treated that way. I should stick to the plan
The plan didn't work, but I still plan to cut contact.
But I've been a burden for a while. The least I could do is repay them and stick around. It doesn't matter if I'd let my friends do it. They're not as awful as me
They're back at it.... I'm leaving... When I finally get the money
Oh so you're just going to use them until you get on your feet and then abandon them????
The conflicting feeling has returned.
You've been terrible to me and I want you to face consequences.
But you're in danger and I don't want anything awful happening to you.
But you've done so much to hurt me over the years.
But you've also done so much to help me.
You were apathetic towards my plight and my cries often fell on deaf ears.
I would help you if I could but my untreated and undiagnosed disorders and years of abuse have led me to a terrible mental state and I have no funds to help you.
My abuser needs to go to the hospital. They refuse. Their ailment could get worse. I have no car, nor license, nor insurance, nor funds and I cannot help them.
I would like to show just the smallest bit of mercy to my abuser, despite how often they refused to show me even a grain of it, but we are both helpless for the time being....
"you're an adult. I know you can't move out yet, but stand up to your parents. Don't be so spineless."
You don't fucking understand. My safety has been threatened over the smallest things. They haven't hit me as an adult, but one of them definitely would if I gave a good enough reason, and the other enables it.
The worst they've done recently is toss drinks on me or throw candy or whatever at me (which is harmless coming from one of them and ambiguous from the other) or get into some psychological or emotional abuse. That's lessened for now too, but only until we move out and they can corner me in a time and place where no one can see or hear either of us.
If I do fight back and it gets violent, I can't do anything about it. They might kick me out. I have nowhere to go. I don't have nearly enough money to sustain myself and most of my clothes are unwearable. It's winter. I could die.
So I'm glad you can do that, but we aren't all so fortunate.
Tw: Mentions of COCSA, Sexual harassment, groomers, and similar things
Cw: vent/rant
It's strange how things that you felt just a little weird about when it happened turn out to be more serious than you thought once you get older. I'm not nearly as scarred as some of the people who went through similar things, but it's weird... I always thought I was one of the few exceptions.
Majority of afabs have been through sexual harassment and/or assault at some point. not me though.. not until I actually thought about it from a sensible point of view.
I wasn't aware that my classmates mocking me the way that did could be sexual harassment, despite how explicit it was.
I didn't understand that the "game" I had been peer pressured into playing as a 6-8 year old could be considered assault. We were both kids and my clothes were never breached but that doesn't make it any less disgusting or distressing. He's in prison now for other things. He has to serve multiple sentences in various prisons, all for unrelated things, but his odd behavior didn't stop at me. It didn't stop when we were kids. He tried to hook up with a 13 year old. The three of us are cousins. The two of us were 18-19. I almost had an incident before him, but I wasn't at the age that I would be afraid of losing a friend, so I told on the kid before it happened.
I had multiple run-ins with groomers online, and the only things stopping me from getting sucked further in were a deep hatred of my body, fear of being a registered sex offender if I ever sent them pictures, and a general fear of the pictures being leaked or my parents finding out and beating my ass. Once they figured out I wouldn't give them what they wanted, they usually left.
Even before I understood pedophilia, my parents allegedly noticed various times when random men on the street would approach me or look at me with a hunger in their eyes or just generally act suspicious near me.
And even outside of harassment and assault, there was still sex in my life far before it needed to be. My parents shouldn't have left their porn in the DVD player when they sent us to watch a movie in their room. They shouldn't have put the porn right next to the normal DVDs. Their 2-3 year old shouldn't have been able to terrorize his older siblings by playing porn when we were supposed to be watching a silly little fish movie.
I hate how normalized some of these things are. We need better education about these subjects. No one likes having suppressed memories and trauma. No one likes having these things happen to them. No one likes not being able to articulate their feelings to speak out about it. No one likes finally being hit with the fact that they probably have some sexual trauma at 2 am in their 20s. It shouldn't be hard to go through life without some fucking freak tainting my brain.
abused kids daydreaming: but what if there was a situation where I got hurt... and someone cared and comforted me? what then??
abused kids: oh no I'm selfish and stupid for imagining this! How could I think my pain would matter enough for someone to comfort me, I need to get over myself and start living in the real life! Comfort doesn't exist and if I'm not tough I'm not going to make it!