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It's so hard to not feel guilty about being upset at the people who mistreated you. Especially parents.
"But she gave me soup and stuff when I was sick. She even cried when I told her I was having dark thoughts."
Yes but she also basically told me to end myself, showed clear favoritism, frequently used corporal punishment, and a whole laundry list of other things.
It's so hard because she hasn't done too many harmful things as of recent. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and it almost feels like I'm being overly dramatic about it now. It almost feels like maybe it was all in my head in the first place.
Then I remember that I was so desperate to get away when I was younger. Desperate enough to think about taking drastic measures. Desperate enough to dream about someone just taking me away from my family.
And then I feel guilty again five minutes later
Is "irrational" anger a trauma response?
I only feel like it might be because I'm always bothered when this person enters the room. I'm almost enraged when they try to speak to me, more often than not. I try to keep it to myself only because I know I would look utterly insane otherwise.
It's almost like I've gaslit myself into thinking I've been overly dramatic this whole time and nothing they ever did was so terrible. Then, I feel guilty for being mad at them, even though I look back in it and see how much it affected me or how badly my younger self wanted to leave and cut contact.
I almost feel like I'm losing my mind just thinking about this.
Is there a term to describe people with "trauma" who don't know if theirs even constitutes as trauma? And if it is, then it's not as bad as it could've been? Like instead of having drug dealing parents who beat you into a concussion weekly, you had parents who never seemed to quite be proud of you, parents who had a clear favorite, could be considered abusive to certain degrees but verbally abusive more often than physically? What about the guilt that comes with it? I would like to know for several purposes...
Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)
Physical abuse
parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson
parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good
parent pulled on my hair to force me to move
parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me
parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them
parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them
parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body
parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them
parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping
parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life
parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries
parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say
parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat
parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me
parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture
parent forced me into sexual activities
Emotional abuse
parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once
parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice
parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun
parent insulted and devalued something really important to me
parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me
parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once
parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault
parent shamed me for my physical appearance
parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough
parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all
parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults
parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort
parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms
parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness
parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter
parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst
parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them
parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away
parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change
parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change
parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation
parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy
parent assured me that nobody will ever want me
parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse
parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker
parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”
parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time
parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries
parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge
parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence
parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me
Psychological Abuse
parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything
parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks
parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start
parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy
parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument
parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it
parent threatened to leave me
parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did
parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions
parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation
parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof
parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me
parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did
Neglect
parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly
parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick
parent didn’t notice I was injured
parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school
parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma
parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed
parent didn’t notice I was depressed
parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself
parent didn’t notice I was suicidal
parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused
parent didn’t notice I was being bullied
parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed
parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care
parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive
when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it
Financial Abuse
parent made me feel ashamed for needing money
parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them
parent only gave me minimal money to survive
parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me
parent took the money I earned from me
parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)
parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions
parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything
parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves
parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not
parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity
parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age
parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them
If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!
shit....
Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)
Physical abuse
parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson
parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good
parent pulled on my hair to force me to move
parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me
parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them
parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them
parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body
parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them
parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping
parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life
parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries
parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say
parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat
parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me
parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture
parent forced me into sexual activities
Emotional abuse
parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once
parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice
parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun
parent insulted and devalued something really important to me
parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me
parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once
parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault
parent shamed me for my physical appearance
parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough
parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all
parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults
parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort
parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms
parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness
parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter
parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst
parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them
parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away
parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change
parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change
parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation
parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy
parent assured me that nobody will ever want me
parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse
parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker
parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”
parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time
parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries
parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge
parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence
parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me
Psychological Abuse
parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything
parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks
parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start
parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy
parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument
parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it
parent threatened to leave me
parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did
parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions
parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation
parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof
parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me
parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did
Neglect
parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly
parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick
parent didn’t notice I was injured
parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school
parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma
parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed
parent didn’t notice I was depressed
parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself
parent didn’t notice I was suicidal
parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused
parent didn’t notice I was being bullied
parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed
parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care
parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive
when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it
Financial Abuse
parent made me feel ashamed for needing money
parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them
parent only gave me minimal money to survive
parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me
parent took the money I earned from me
parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)
parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions
parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything
parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves
parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not
parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity
parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age
parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them
If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!