Recovery - Blog Posts

so much of my life has been “you know i always really wanted to…” and then not doing the /thing/ because I gaslit myself into thinking i couldn’t. But now? now!! NOW?!? i’m free will maxxing babeyy! I will write a shitty shorty story! I WILL BUILD MY LEGO SET! I WILL BUY A MINI FRIDGE! I WILL GET A DEGREE! WHO WILL STOP ME!!! Not me!!!

*intense hyperventilating*

I love him so much I cried making this.

He's so baby

It makes me so proud he actually works on his arm after the war, but I have a feeling he wouldn't be able to use a pencil properly for a while and might have to have someone else help him.

Izuku would totally help.

He makes me feral omg.

*cough* Anyways—

Criticism, comments, and reposts welcome!

Sending love ✨

Yesterday was hard, today is much the same. My sobriety is one of the few things I have left that are purely good and I am happy to say that just for today I feel happy being and staying sober. I just keep reminding myself that things will get better.

And if they don't, we'll at least I can look forward to the end.

Today is harder than any day I ever thought I'd bare;

It's even harder cause I'm surrounded by people who do not care.

They may care about me and the pain that runs through,

But they are perfectly incapable of actually missing you.

I feel that you're still out there though it does feel far away;

How am I supposed to accept that you have gone a different way?

I've loved and fought for so long I don't know how to stop,

And it's even fucking harder to finally give up.

I worshipped you, I prayed for you, I fell down to my knees

Hopin' and prayin' for a life we fought to see;

But now you've taken your own life and brought it to an end;

I thought that at the very least I'd find a way to call you friend.

I thought I had accepted that our love just couldn't be,

But what I failed to realize was how strong you were still holding on to me.

I was holding onto hope for us harder than any drug I've had,

Even though I knew that any ending would only turn out bad.

But this was not an end that I'd ever thought I'd see,

Now you're gone and taken every single piece of me.

TW ed

Dont you just love it when your skinny to begin with and then you see a FUCKING CARTOON and want to relapse to look like it even though its physically impossible without being on the brink of death and the only thing you can do is force yourself to finish your dinner that was all ready extremely small cuz you cant handle normal food portions anymore

This. If I can get this into my head, that would be great

self-improvement should be because you want to improve your quality of life, not because you feel or think you *need* to be better in order to be loved or allowed to live. there's no end goal with self-improvement, it's easy to dig yourself a grave when you don't realize that you're not on a ticking clock to be the 'best version of yourself'. all you need to strive to do is be the version of yourself you are the most happy with. find out what values you find important, what kind of friend do you want to be, how do you want to react to things. what are things that would improve the way you go about life? what would make life easier, better and more enjoyable for you?

Self-harm awareness day

Today is self-harm awareness day. It is a very important day for me as a former self-harmer, and when I was at my lowest I thought no one knew how I felt, but now I know better. This is a day for people to learn more about the causes of self-harm and the risks. Self-harm is no different than any other unhealthy coping mechanism like drugs, alcohol, and many others. Just because someone self-harms does not make them any different from an addict that needs help. So, if you are a self-harmer and If you’re not sure where to turn, call the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line in the U.S. at 1-800-366-8288 for referrals and support for cutting and self-harm. If you know a self-harmer, or just want to be more aware click here for more information.

It's a lot healthier to go for a daily walk than to sign up for a gym membership you won't be using because you hate that kind of exercise. It's a lot healthier to eat a frozen meal than to skip a meal because you were too tired to cook something healthy. It's a lot healthier to take a quick shower than to procrastinate an elaborate routine for days. Don't aim so high that you won't be hitting anything!

Going over a year without suicidal thoughts brings a lot of awakenings. I am lovable, people can like me, although now I guess I have to plan for the future I never thought I could make it to. 13 year old me never gave a thought into high school classes, but now I'm being told to start thinking about what I want to do for college... It's so crazy to think that I've made it farther than I ever thought I would. And there's still more to look forward to. If you told 13 year old me that she makes it past 15, she'd probably break down at the thought of having to live that long. What she wouldn't think about is all the good things that have happened since.

I remember leaving my middle school for the last time, the best feeling ever. I remember going to summer camp. I remember going to my high school orientation and feeling hopeful for once. I remember the crash soon into the school year, yes, but I also remember how that led to the first moment of me feeling fully loved and accepted by my peers. I remember being comforted through a panic attack in the hallway at the Halloween dance. I remember my first audition at this school, I remember when I didn't get in. I remember trying again the next time and seeing my name on the cast email. I remember getting to be closer to all the people I had been admiring from afar all year. I remember all the fun outings, and the sleepovers, and the silly conversations that I get to have every morning. If 13 year old me knew I grew up, she'd think I'm still miserable. But now, even through the hardest times, I am loved and cared for.

Keep living yall. Things can work out.

Being like. Post-suicidal is so strange. Like hiiiii everybody im new I spent a good chunk of my life languishing and have like 3 or 4 lived experiences. But now I'm ready to fuck and party or whatever. Can we be friends. Im so happy to be here. Can we be friends

TW: VENT, SELF-HARM, SKIN ILLNESS

And now I will explain my story.

When I was a teenager, I suffered from self-harm (I could beat myself and cut myself). I couldn't get off it because of the tension, stress, and loneliness.

But I've been clean for 3-4 years now and I'm not addicted to SH.

In addition, I have atopic dermatitis, which has progressed terribly from the middle of the year to the present day. This disease is associated with stress, and I have frequent anxiety. So that's why it got back.

So what am I talking about? When I was a teenager, I was very weak, I was very emotional (in a bad way), and my outlet was to hurt myself. Now that I'm free of this, I'm faced with the fact that my anxiety hasn't gone away, it's just that now I'm overcoming a desire to do something bad to myself. My eternal relief of worries turns into the development of dermatitis.

I'm okay now. I'm being treated for atopic dermatitis. It's just that sometimes I involuntarily take myself back to the past... and it makes me feel better who I am now

Resmaa Menakem, My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies

How do i love myself???

I've been meaning to write something like this for a while!

First off, what is self love?

I consider self love to be compassion towards yourself. Aware of your flaws, and aware of your good traits, but not hinging your sense of worth on either. I think of it as similar to characters people like - oftentimes our favorite characters are highly flawed people, and it's not that we love them despite those flaws, but we love the whole picture and want to see those characters grow.

How do you learn to love yourself?

I think it takes time! It's not something you can learn overnight, but something that comes with going through life.

And I think another important thing to remember is that baby steps are great, and it's absolutely okay if you don't love yourself right now. Your journey will take time. It might be a huge accomplishment for you to be self neutral - being okay with yourself and being neutral in your skin, even if you don't 'love' yourself. Here's a short blog post that talks about self neutrality!

Something simple you can do to change how you think of yourself is replace things like "ugh, I'm so stupid" with more neutral self talk, like "whoops, I made a mistake!" Your mind is listening to things you say to yourself, so work on replacing negativity with kindness.

Resources

Who Am I? Worksheet: Helps you enhance self awareness by looking at other people's perception of you, and your own perception of yourself (you can print and handwrite or just type your answers on a doc, whatever's easier for you)

'Love Letter' to Myself Worksheet: Helps self love by having you write down things you love about yourself, how they benefit you, and how you can continue to honor them

Loving Kindness Meditation: If meditation is your thing, loving kindness meditations are amazing! Essentially, they have you direct statements like "may I be happy, may I be well, may I be peaceful, may I be loved" at yourself, then a close friend, then an acquiantance, etc. I've linked my favorite one here, that I've done countless times. But if that particular recording isn't doing it for you you can search "loving kindness meditations" on youtube, spotify, etc and see what you like!

Ways to practice self love: An article that I really liked, because the author talked about how she'd pinned her sense of worth on her accomplishments and learning to let go of that.

You can also go through my self love tag! I use it for strategies, as well as things that you might have needed to hear.

im going to come out and say it: isolating is a self-destructive behavior. it might not be as obvious and immediately self-destructive as say, impulsive spending, drug use or risky behaviors, but it gradually decays relationships and can deepen your mental health issues. often, our impulse is to retreat from others and responsibilities for “self care” or to “work on ourselves” and obviously sometimes we need mental health breaks, but there’s a line you cross from “taking a break” to full on neglecting your relationships with others and your social needs that can be incredibly damaging to yourself and others over time

it’s not a myth. it gets easier. every bit of hard work is worth something. it builds you up.

Ominous mists || POV Bucky Barnes

Summary: Former Winter Soldier isn’t sure who he really is. Struggling with the dark past and the metallic voice in his head, he tries to recoup what he had lost.

Warnings: None at this point.

Words: 548

Authors: Beast

A/N: I’ve decided to create my first Bucky’s POV story, hope y'all enjoy it.

“Who do you think you are?” Asks the voice deep inside his head.

I don’t know who am I anymore, he thinks, grinning sadly. He looks down at his metal fingers and how they’re glistening in the setting sun as he stretches them slowly.

The wind blows him straight in the face but he doesn’t mind it at all. Practically, he likes it.

He spent another day by lurking along city streets, without any particular reason. He enjoyed getting lost in the street buzz. And Bucharest was an adorable place to be lost in. The streets were saturated with the remains of communism, although the renewed parts of the city were pulsating with modernized life.

Now, he was sitting at Dâmbovița River, leaning his back against an old linden. Unexpectedly, man shivers when the same voice as before says something loudly inside his mind.

“You’re nothing, just a piece of trash that nobody has ever needed,” voice is getting louder and louder with every second.

SHUT UP!, he shakes his head. You’re not real.

This time, however, the voice doesn’t seem to disappear. “Murderer. You’ve killed so many innocent people. Who do you think you are?

He gets up from the ground and hits the tree’s trunk with metal fist several times. I am not a FUCKING MURDERER!, he screams, he doesn’t pay any attention to few people that stare at him in disbelief.

But the voice gets only louder, spreading through his mind and reaching every single part of his body. "You’re nothing but Winter Soldier, serial killer, piece of trash, the unnecessary system bug which should be removed as soon as possible. But don’t ya worry, they’re coming for ya.”

He turns head around, his hood falls almost on his eyes. He’s afraid, like an animal that got into the hunter’s trap. Are THEY really coming after him???

“Are you okay, sir?” An old woman comes to him, tilting head aside a bit. “Do you need help?”

He struggles with a will to ran. He gently pushes the woman and goes ahead but sinks onto his knees after few steps.

“MURDERER.” The voice keeps humming. “MURDERER, MURDERER, MURDERER!”

He catches his head and with the corner of the eye, he can see how people take steps back as his metal limb is revealed. But he doesn’t care of them. Man only cares to get rid of that awful voice that is pounded somewhere to his brain. He wants to be deaf at all the screams he can hear in his mind and soul, the screams of people he has killed. And these metal clang of that fucking bionic arm! It tears his personality apart. He doesn’t know anymore if he’s a human being whether a machine without emotions.

But there’s a silver lining somewhere in his heart. A familiar male voice, he doesn’t recognize it but somehow it makes that nice warmth spreads across his flesh.

“… till the end of the line…”

At the same second, the metallic voice in his head tries to be louder to deafen the male voice. But he knows the male voice either way…

Man opens his steel blue eyes widely, the last rays of setting sun make them glisten with a comprehension. He screams.

MY NAME IS BUCKY BARNES!!!

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from: the letters i will never send (isabella dorta) 

one of the best ways i’ve found to combat that inherent depressive pessimism without veering into toxic positivity territory is simply the phrase “i’m open to the possibility”

this particularly works with anything negative i’ve forecasted. “i woke up feeling like shit today, so my day is gonna suck” isn’t a particularly helpful thought, but “it’s a great day to be alive!!!!!” feels hollow and insincere when i have a pounding headache & am running on three hours of sleep

instead i’ll tell myself, “i really don’t feel good right now, but i’m open to the possibility that coffee and breakfast might perk me up a bit.” or “i’m in a lot of pain today, but i’m open to the possibility that my workday might still have fun parts despite that”

sometimes, when your impulse is to slam the door on anything good, but you’re not exactly up to going out & hunting it down yourself, leaving the door open just a crack makes all the difference

Me when you can actually notice my weight loss 🙏🙏🙏

Context: TW for past ED

I have struggled with a BED for almost 5 years of my life, and I have currently been in recovery. It’s not even really recovery because my therapist refuses to acknowledge the fact that I have a BED. I have been eating more healthy foods and have avoided my trigger foods (icing, candies, peanut butter, etc). To actually see that I am actually getting better and to hear it from other people makes me so happy, my goal is to be at a healthy weight and lifestyle and to never binge again.

Gone compingggg and I’ve already fried my mind!! break time!!! #brainbreak #findingmusic again #strokesurvivor #recovery 😍😍😍 (at Chesapeake Harbour Marina) https://www.instagram.com/p/Ck6fZ8VuK8G/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

cw: mentions of sex below cut

She makes me feel so beautiful, i always imagined being intimate would be ruined by the way my body looks but she embraces my body for the way it is, she finds ways to appreciate it in a way that i feel perfectly unique. with her, it seems obvious, of course i love her perfect body, of course its uniqueness is the best part of her. but the idea that she could feel the same way still baffles me. i love her so much

Because we all need to hear this sometimes.

I’ve been having a bad couple of weeks and I just really needed to hear these:

You are NOT a burden

You are valued 

You are NOT a shitty friend, even when you think you are

You don’t need to have it all figured out yet

It’s OK to have bad days

And it’s OK to hide from the world if you’re having a bad day

Because sometimes you just need to have some time to yourself

And that’s OK

You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to

What happened to you in the past is NOT your fault

Don’t feel guilty for not being productive

It’s going to be OK

Breathe

Relax

Recharge

YOU ARE WANTED

YOU ARE LOVED

YOU CAN DO THIS

I BELIEVE IN YOU

I don’t know if I’ve spelled it out on tumblr yet, but I want to talk about The Mammal List. 

The Mammal List is something I came up with when I was in a mental health intensive outpatient program four(!!) years ago. The premise is that we are at our core animals, and if I consider myself the way I’d consider a pet cat, I’m much more likely to practice good self-care:

1. Mammals need food. Eat something! If the Hellbeast doesn’t pass judgment on a piece of cheese, neither should you. (She also eats anything small enough to fit in her mouth, so be judicious in that respect. Food is good. Lint is not.)

2. Mammals need hydration. Drink something! It doesn’t have to be water. It could be delicious tuna juice. You’re a discerning creature. I trust you. 

3. Mammals need sleep. Make a soft nest and let yourself enjoy it. Knead it until it’s comfortable. Let yourself rest as long as you need. Just existing is hard. You’ve earned a break. 

4. Mammals need movement. Take your precious body and do something. Don’t hurt yourself. Be kind.

5. Mammals need stimulation. Treat yourself to a new jingle ball or mousie toy. Get a bird feeder and stare at it. Let yourself really enjoy it. Play is in your nature.

6. Mammals need socialization. I know this one is particularly difficult these days, but if you don’t keep reaching out, you’re going to forget yourself and start biting people. 

7. Mammals need cleanliness. Nobody likes scooping the litterbox, but it has to be done. Don’t forget your own body. Make your fur shine. Treat yourself as the luminous creature you are. 

And most important of all: don’t feel guilty. This isn’t about deserving (although you do deserve it). You’re an animal and you need these things to survive, and I very much want you to survive. 

ok well im going to build a good future for myself whether i like it or not

Colors under my skin

There's violet and lavender and lilac.

Like deep bruising, like sleepless night, like cold anemic skin.

It hurts somewhere between the cold defeat of blue and the hot anger of red.

But it's comforting too, like acceptance; acknowledgment; the first step to getting better.

And there's yellows too

Marigold and dandelion and polished bronze.

It's like warm sunshine, like soft flower petals, like sturdy statues.

It's encouraging; hotter and more pure than red but never as close as the color of life.

But it's intimidating too; like the mythical idea of being okay.

Something I think about sometimes is that my mental health got better after leaving my ex which looking back on that relationship it was far from being a healthy relationship, they ended up cheating on me, spreading rumors about me at school behind my back and would always try and start fights with me all the time and forced themselves on me, my mental health was at rock bottom and was on the verge of ending it when I was with them but when I left I was a lot happier and I was doing things I actually liked even when my ex was harassing me for being happy, I felt free after leaving them and I need to give myself credit for leaving them

If any of you likes to use this kind of stuff, I made a calorie tracker for this year's April 💞

So if you're currently in recovery, you'll be able to see your progress (remember that forcing yourself is not good. Take it one step at a time)

I get people asking me how I recovered from everything my parents put me through.

And there are a lot of answers but there’s one I haven’t told anyone yet.

It’s the fact that I genuinely gaslit my way through.

Internally I became the most egotistical mother fucker, I would flex in the mirror for ten minutes after spending all day killing myself in the gym, I’d compliment myself all the time, I was like “those guys don’t like me? Who gives a shit? Not me, I’m awesome”

And it worked, still does.

I just stopped caring about the things that upset me, and now I’m a bit better.

Whump Prompt #571

The whumpee gets laid up for a while. It takes them forever to become coherent enough to leave the hospital, and even then they have a long recovery ahead of them.

During this time, perhaps it began when the whumpee is still delirious on painkillers, a character starts watching a TV show in their room while they keep vigil.

Perhaps this character is their best friend, maybe it’s someone they don’t necessarily get on well with. Maybe is the oldest or the youngest, but either way they begin to bond over the show. Perhaps it’s the thing that brings the whumpee back to reality, as through a haze of painkillers they mutter and offhand comment about the plot or characters:

“Who does he think he is.” A mumbles beneath an oxygen mask, “cheating bastard…”

The two characters continue to watch this show, and others if they finish it quickly. They bond over it so much, other characters have entered the room to A (smothered by blankets because B is convinced A still needs coddling) leaning against B as they argue/cry/laugh over the antics on screen.