Mentally Exhausted - Blog Posts

TW ed

Dont you just love it when your skinny to begin with and then you see a FUCKING CARTOON and want to relapse to look like it even though its physically impossible without being on the brink of death and the only thing you can do is force yourself to finish your dinner that was all ready extremely small cuz you cant handle normal food portions anymore

What am i if not an unholy piñata of mental illness?

I feel like dog shit (mentally and physically), the only way im going to school today is if i have an IV full of caffeine

I feel the exact same way sadly

Things I'm good at :

• ??????????

• ???????

•????

• ???????

• feeling like a burden and bed rotting

Sensitive topic!

TW: svc1d3, mention of 0v3rd0s3, 4lch0h0l p0¡s¡0n¡ng, and s3lf h4rm as well as other issues, please read at your own risk.

basically, I probably won’t be active anymore, I’m planning on km$ today, sometime during the night. I’ve had a cranky shitty 4ss life. I don’t look forward to anything anymore and I feel like absolute shit. I’ve got everything ready, the letters, all that bs. The only thing I want for now is the final step. No quote can turn my the cogs in my brain, no kind of guilt will convince me otherwise. This has been the only thing I look forward too. And I truly, entirely cannot fathom how much I desire the mere suggestion of d34th. I feel as if my whole world lights up. And for once, as soon I take the final step, one final push, I will feel like a true free bird. Of course, I’ve always wanted to at least have some fun before I d¡3, I plan on dr¡nk¡ng down the p¡11s I’ll take, I used to just merely cvt myself yet the pleasure of bl00d flowing out is no longer enough.

goodbye cruel world, sincerely, everyx.

me: [feels literally anything]

me: oh stop being melodramatic, you.

[buries it and feels even more awful]

I’m gonna be honest I wasn’t expecting there to be a lot of love on my tiktok account, but here we are and I’m terrified. I’m so burnt out and I don’t even want to make content right now because everyone expects so much of me. I just need a break.

Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:

"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)

Let me set the scene:

In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.

This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.

The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.

Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.

During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.

I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".

I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.

I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.

For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.

Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.

Parents: my child is okay!

The child: watches 10 hours of video essay, lives on tea and biscuits, writes 20k words on one sitting, has debates with themselves, hates everyone, sleeps more than 12 hours, has no goals, has no friends, does not realise the day-night cycle, cries randomly.

Parents: I choose to ignore that

Me: I am not crazy. I am not crazy

Brain: burn everything!

Me: No that's not me

Brain: kill everyone!

Me: NOOO

Brain: nothing is worth it. Everything you do has no meaning.

Me: ....plz stop torturing me, my teachers already do that.

I I H I T L

W D O H H I

A O W A E V

N N B V W E

T T U E I G

T K T L L O

O N I O L O

D O W S T D

I W I T O B

E L Y

L E

I don't know how many times I have to say this:

I DON'T NEED HELP

I just want to sleep and not wake up again

Is that too hard to ask?

Do you read books on murder and people getting away with it? Do you often wish upon deaths of the rotten people in the world? Do you find the notion of living in isolation with coffee and a book intriguing? Do you fall in love with morally grey anti heros? Do people call you unusual and insane? Do you wake up everyday wishing you didn't? Do you consider yourself to be better than others at the same time feeling inferior in a world that doesn't accept you?

If not then you are actully a fully functioning human being who does not rely their life's worth on hopeless soul searching and "you can't sit with us" *Gretchen Wiener voice*

TW:

It's really hard to be someone with a superiority complex and an inferiority complex at the same time.

Ps: also have GAD, BDD, ED, OCD and other things haven't discovered yet.

sending a letter to my ex (??) who’s in jail

Me After School ( I Wana 🎀 myself🤭🫶

i gained ten pounds and broke up with my boyfriend

Now i’m like the soul sucking extremely depressed and hopeless mentally ill instead of the manic 🌈💕🌸 mentally ill where i felt good but knew it was bad

I don't rlly understand why I don't fit in with anyone :/ everyone just becomes boring, or is mean to me, or treats me in a way I don't want. I try to keep an open mind about my friends/people, but I want friends that are decent people. I want to surround myself with good people, because they would be good, and maybe I'd figure out the correct way to live and act around people, but everyone's who's bad has found there way to me ╯︿╰

cries because I lost track of who everyone was and now I forgot your main

WHAT THE FUCK ??? AM I REALLY THAT FORGETABLE ????

talking to people who don't cvt or just aren't really mentally fucked is such a jump scare sometimes

(especially if you jokingly say 'imma kms' and they take it seriously + get concerned 😭)

Me bc my childhood actually DID really affect me and how I feel about men, women and people as a whole

As well as how I veiw myself and people close to me

:(

i think im feeling it now

jst like u do