Alone With My Thoughts - Blog Posts

Have you ever taken a warm bath in the dark listening to metal? I just have, and it was fckin' awesome.

I also just discovered Dayligh Dies, and oh gosh, I already love their music

im feeling down but theres nothing i want to do or buy i dont even wanna buy food which is something i always wanna do whenever im upset

was supposed to play overwatch with a discord server im somewhat active in but like no one showed

i hate having no friends. being alone is fun until youre reminded that youre truly alone

and like i really want to share the fact that im having bottom growth and have people tell me in that moment that theyre proud and happy of me but i have no one :’)

might just post it randomly to a discord server im in meant to tmen and get my validation from there

and im constantly like “i wish i had a bf” but i really dont wanna use dating apps they fucking suck

grindr is so damn scary and comes off as “scam the app” then i feel like shit using any other dating app i dont wanna swipe on ppl thats mean

idk. just sad and lonely rn

Suffering from burnout while working on an essay about burnout is the type of dramatic irony I want in my life.

Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:

"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)

Let me set the scene:

In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.

This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.

The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.

Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.

During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.

I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".

I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.

I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.

For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.

Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.

Ranting

I feel really sad lately. Feel almost alone because I feel like no one really understands me. I try to make friends online, but most people just blame me for things out of my control or just get upset with me because I struggle to take jokes or anything. I have two friends I really care about and I should be happy about that, but when they are busy I just feel even more alone. Feel like I'm almost dependent on other people which is bad and I need to fix that. I think I need to find happiness in myself, but it's so hard when you live with so much guilt and trauma. Feels like my own mind and skin is filthy and can't get clean so I crave other people to be around so I can take my mind off of it. I'm sorry to rant about this, I just don't know what else to do and wanted to get it off my chest and throw into void. I just feel scared to talk about my issues sometimes cause what if I word it wrong and someone gets mad at me? I'm sorry if this seems like a pity me or something, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry because feel sad, alone, and like I'm a bad person.

Day 2 of Goretober & Jashtober!!!

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