You Ever Wonder Why You Feel So Lonely A Lot And Then Realize It’s Because No One Ever Talks To You

Heck yeah

I am very grateful for the Wolfenstein reboots and the Sniper Elite games because while gaming as an art form has come a long way and all the beautiful stories and complex characters are really wonderful and important, sometimes we need to remember our heritage as gamers, go back to our roots for a bit, and shoot a bunch of nazis in the face

Reblogging because I wholeheartedly agree. Diagnosed system or not, all are welcome. That’s the way it should be.

-Another diagnosed system

Since apparently there's a rise in people saying how diagnosed systems don't like/don't want to be around self diagnosed systems: Self dxed systems ily and you are 100% welcome here, and will never be judged differently for your diagnosis status. I personally believe whether or not you are diagnosed does not say anything about if you are misinformed or not (I have seen plenty of diagnosed systems spread a shit ton of misinfo), or whether you are exhibiting "anti recovery behavior" (recovery is a very personal thing that looks different for different people- and being in earlier steps in recovery also doesn't equal being "anti recovery"). You are loved and supported here, and you will always be treated as equal to diagnosed systems here.

-Sincerely a diagnosed system <3

Funnily enough I got a wolf, which just so happens to be my favorite real animal

You've been turned into an animal

Spin the wheel to find out which

I finally got around to watching Secret Level, and boy was I not disappointed by the Warhammer 40K episode. Having only gotten into 40K within the last year, I gotta say that Daemon had such a cool design, but there was no way it had a chance against my boy Titus. Like I’m sorry. I may be new but even I know that named characters in this setting are not going to lose to some unnamed enemy.

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

For real. I really should give some of those things a try, but I haven’t done any of them in so hecking long that I have a hard time remembering what they were sometimes

One thing that sucks about being autistic, especially if you're prone to masking, is that you forget certain joys specific to you. You spend so much time pursuing what others think you'll enjoy that you forget things that scratch itches only autistic people have. I just rediscovered my love of writing out lyrics to my favourite songs. I don't think it's something I can explain to neurotypicals but it's such a simple, easy joy.

Exactly! Especially when we want nothing more than to be accepted for who we are, only to somehow keep screwing things up

To be autistic is to live in a constant state of yearning that can never be fulfilled

You know what blows my mind sometimes when I randomly remember it? How crazy military weapon systems can be. Like just the other day I was talking with a friend about anti-air weapons and the crazy high fire rate some of them have.

They had seen a video of some system, and how it seemed to be loaded with just tracer rounds but they were spitting these tracers out really quick. And I got to reveal to them that those tracers were actually like every 10-20 or so rounds, so the crazy amount of red lines in the video from the tracers were actually a fraction of what was being shot from this weapon system.

Now that I think more about this interaction I think it was a CWIS system on a Navy vessel but he didn’t show me the video so I don’t actually know what kind. But that stuff actually exists and it’s so crazy to me that the military has that kind of fire power as a defensive option. Really cool though.

Anyway, random hyperfixation post over

Literally every time I come up with an NPC on the spot they become an unoffical party mascot or some such.

It’d be kinda nice to actually be a real dragon. Have a “little” treasure hoard and no one questions it. Be able to fly wherever I want. Eat mass quantities of food because I can. Scare or otherwise get rid of people who annoy me or are needlessly mean or are just my enemies. I don’t know, I just think it’d be kind of neat