Vent Blog - Blog Posts

I struggle with:

ADHD & neurospicy-nes

Rejection sensitive dysphoria

Possible Autism diagnosis is on the bacckburner for an indefinite period of time.

Depression

Borderline personality disorder

And being told "you can't"

My response to you can't is: "watch me"

And that usually leads to me crashing and burning in spectacular fashion.

Canon Events for children with broken families

• heart rate going up, ears listening carefully, at any sudden loud sounds that sound like objects being thrown, yelling or drunk wailing

• hating the scent of grape juice because it reminds you of wine (and of broken objects, of pools of vomit)

• swearing to never drink alcohol when you grow up (you will never be like her)

• studying really hard and excelling in school to escape your home life (school is one thing you can control)

• being told by parents to never tell friends about your family situation or they would backstab you (and thus feeling terrible whenever you confide in others now)

• parents going months without talking to each other and using you as their messenger (leading to more misunderstandings and arguments)

• “you are just like your father/mother”, in a bad way (it’s not your fault you have your father’s eyes)

*Making a funny joke*

*everyone ignores*

*repeats it*

"We heard you the first time."

Day 60: There is a thunderstorm outside.

The sky is flashing so much, it needs a seizure warning and the thunder sounds like cannonballs.

I am afraid of dying. Our neighbors have a huge tree in their yard and in a strong storm it could break off and crush our roof.

I don't want to be crushed to death.

It's hailing outside too. Big ice balls, not yet big enough to Crack the windows but still making lots of noise.

We pulled all possible plugs. TV, Computer, Radios, even the coffee machine. They might get destroyed if lightning strikes.

I hate the noise that thunder makes. Thunderstorms, especially heat storms make me think of suffocating, burning and pressure.

Sometimes I just want to hide in a small nook with no bad noise or feeling.

I hear the wooden supports of our house making noise, it's horrible. I want to leave but outside is dangerous.

I don't know what to do.

I hate thunderstorms.

heh.. guess who made a vent acc…

Maybe you can’t let it go because you know I genuinely care and I’m working on it.

You know that I’ll get better

You know I’ll never do it again

hey don't worry about that dumb coinflip post irls ok I've just removed the part of me who thinks about that and it won't come back.

Ik you wouldn't want me to get hurt so i wont. This doesnt just apply to you btw it applies to them and anyone else who might be looking out for me.

And if it seems like im only getting better for your sake, you should know I'm getting better for myself as well as everyone else. even if you didn't worry about me i'll still improve

I'm in a really good place right now and now I just need to wait it out because I'm sure you need more time.

ngl talking with my brothers brought me so much clarity about my life.

I'm lucky to have what I have now.

I won't take the easy way out, because I promised I wouldn't.

i just need to sleep properly, I'll be a little better in the morning.

I've been getting better every day, I just had a bit of a doom mindset tonight.

Won't happen again though.

oh right i forgot to update.

My friend convinced me to eat tonight so I ate like 2 servings of dinner and i think i'll wake up early so i can eat tomorrow properly

I think I'll bring some snacks too because I don't want anyone trying to give me food...

shoutout to my friend for convincing me to eat btw. he's a real one.

ykw nah I'll take fate in my own hands for once. I don't need a coinflip

I'm happy with just waiting for things to play out.

Talking with my brothers kinda fixed my mindset for now so I'll be okay for a while.

fighting for my will to live rn

on the upside I got more VA work and my grades are decent and my brothers are talking to me more

on the downside i ruined my relationship and friendships, i constantly feel like crying, i still haven't even had a chance to stop and process my recent trauma, and these fucking wings wont go away or stop hurting. At least last time they started hurting they were my normal ones. these ones feel different and idk if this is a new kintype or something since I have felt this before but I REALLY don't need this rn especially with everyone around me.

ugh maybe ill leave it up to a coinflip like the last hard decision i made

I don't need a coinflip actually I control my own fate

and yet i would have shoved it at you and ran away because regardless i want you to be alright

ill be fine, i already found ways to be okay.

focus on yourself right now. please.

you're the one who needs support, and i hope you're getting enough from everyone.

the reason i've been running away from you is because i hate seeing how you look at me these days.

i hope that soon, you'll be able to look at me normally again.

i would’ve given you some food if i knew you didn’t have enough. i always have extra

i wouldn't have taken it. ive already taken enough from you.

i appreciate you wanting to help me but i encourage you to wait until you think i've gotten better to try helping.

theres no use in trying to help me if you don't think im changing

im sorry i couldnt face you at all today

don’t be sorry

i won't ever stop apologizing for this

don’t feel too bad. at least i can flex my invulnerability to having my arm twisted like a motorcycle handlebar

im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im srry

someone please send me asks or something ive had next to no interaction with anyone today including my mother.

the closest thing i had to a conversation today was being thanked for doing all the work on a group project, and the several times i apologized quietly as i ran away from someone while trying not to throw up out of guilt

I have yet again been encouraged to stay out of the public eye and keep to myself at school.

So… I didn’t eat again today. I know I said I would but I genuinely didn’t have time this morning and I’m out of money to buy lunch.

I’ll eat something at dinner time I promise

God at this rate I’m gonna be more malnourished then that glowing russian twink/ref

She’s… letting me design the angel.

I mean the design part isn’t the problem.

Most of my old OCs are angels anyway. Not sure what that says about me, I’m a little confused these days.

The hard part is going to be drawing it while I still feel my wings…

It’ll just feel wrong…

I should eat… but I can’t eat anything for another few hours or my mom will know I’m not sleeping again…

I haven’t digested anything other then a handful of snacks in the last 48 hours because i lose my breakfast whenever i take my meds, I don’t get lunch money anymore, and I can’t bring myself to eat dinner for some reason.

thank god.

thanks, brothers for talking to me about life stuff.

I promise if things don't work out in the next few years I'll move home and we can rentshare. I'd rather rentshare with you then with D anyway!

my brothers are awesome. They don't support every one of my decisions but they know it's okay to make mistakes.

my brothers have been with me since i stopped simply surviving and actually started living, and i only have them to thank for that.

that said, I'm not leaving this city anytime soon. I have lots to do here still and I'm not leaving anyone behind on a bad note.

I'll never take the easy way out :)

make sure to think about them too, not just me

i don't think they'd want any parallels either...

sorry if thats not what you meant im crashing out and dealing with social interaction at the same time rn so idk what you really mean

i made a joke about devil may cry and my friends didnt get it cuz they dk what i am so now im being roped into watching it during designated crashout time

i wont be like him anymore

the parallels are done for good.

take time.

don't leave forever, just...

take time.

i don't want to never be able to see you again so just.

take time.

i will

i will take time.

I'll prove I'm better then him.

I won't take any easy way out like when he tried to.

This is where the parallels end.

if it helps, my shoulder blades hurt like shit. the wings get so heavy with guilt, they really do.

what do you do when they wont go away? they've never lasted this long or hurt this bad...

the wings and horns hurt so bad someone please distract me from this feeling

If you think it's best, I can go.

I won't be mad.

i apologize for even the smallest things like i always do. it's just part of how i am i guess