billie-the-scapegoat

Latest Posts by billie-the-scapegoat

My common law wife and I made soft plans to elope, Did some dishes, she gave me a massage for my chronic pain, which hurt so good it turned me on, which turned her on, so the massage turned into us fucking like it's not a Tuesday in the middle of the day and then she brought me an ice cold glass of water with a straw!!!

Is this... domestic bliss?

I cry for the butcher

Gold silver and copper

cake my tongue

No harm can ever come from

my mother's praying hands

My filthy mouth -

I harmed myself

Orange wedge lip

Clenched ivory threat

Pulled the trigger with my tongue

Blood orange

Her saintly hands

I’m sorry - a million times over

I say to her

And when i finally cry

It is not for the lamb.

Fun fact: without enrichment animals can suffer from depression and anxiety.

It's me. I'm animals. Work is not enriching enough

I want to metaphorically jump off a building and see who catches me. But at least I'm self aware enough to not do that.

I'm coming up on my 25th birthday and I've never seen a gynecologist because my family doctor also happens to be a close family friend and even though he knows I've been sexually active for a while I just can't seem to bring myself to be specific.

What am I supposed to say?

"Oh yeah, I know you know I'm in a lesbian relationship, but my Gf has a nine inch dick with which she plows me on the regular, so maybe I should get my cervix looked at, if for no other reason than to make sure everything is still where it should be"

Sex is wholesome.

Tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead!

You can't! I'm dying on this hill!

Ya llego ✨✨✨

Excerpt from a text convo between two Friends who both have BPD:

*edited for typos and clarity*

[...] I will do what Is in my nature to do.

I will beg the frog to take me to the other side of the river.

The frog will say no because it knows it cannot trust me.

And I will say: "you can trust me because if I sting you I too will drown".

And with its last ghasping drowning breath the frog will ask me: "why?" and I will say:

"Because it's in my nature".

As a person with BPD, I deeply identify with the scorpion in that story. I don't start out wanting to hurt the people that are helping me. I don't start out thinking about how much pain I can cause.

I ask for help from people who should know better than to trust me and I make it very difficult for them to do what I asked.

"Let yourself be loved", said my mother as she squeezed and pinched and bruied us with her hugs and kisses.

Don't be a "Limosnero con garrote" (begger with a club), my parents would tell us. They often found it difficult to meet our needs. And somehow, that was our fault.

Can a scorpion live without its stinger? Can a beggar carry a club? Can I stop hurting?

Caption this.

Just saw another "if you hurt people because of your faith you don't really have any faith" post, and wanted to point out once again that this weird thing we do where we pretend that "real" religion is incapable of doing harm isn't doing us any favors. Of course people with "real" faith can hurt people! Christians beat their queer kids because they have real faith that being queer gets you tortured forever after you die, and that beating kids is a 100% god-approved activity! India's beef vigilantes kill their Muslim neighbors because they have real faith that cows are sacred animals that shouldn't be killed!

Stop this No True Scotsman shit! All it does is cede the moral high ground in every situation to religious belief, automatically agreeing that religion makes you a better person, and anything that makes you a worse person can't be religion.

I hate the spring

Because it smells like a schoolyard, like a rubber band about to snap, like unreachable expectations. I reeks of change and hope that sours like milk in the sun. It smells like an wild animal about to pounce on its vulnerable pray.

It makes me nauseous, it wets my socks, it burns my eyes and It looms over me like the inevitable end of all that is good.

Watch "Are White AMERICANS the Most Racist White People On Earth?" on YouTube

YouTube

Are White AMERICANS the Most Racist White People On Earth?

Hypothesis: Those who are discriminated against see the people discriminating them (and or colonialising them) as the Most Racist.

Example: As a mexican, I was torn between the spanish conquistadors and the white Americans.

Considering the cultural an economical colonialism that the U.S is not so subtly imposing on so many countries, it kinda makes sense to me that they are the de facto bad guy to point at.

With regards to the question of: are they really worse than the other "flavors" of racist...

I don't know. How do you measure that? Number of dead poc? If the language of the people they tried to erase is still spoken today or not? Did they destroy records or history? Idk.

At what point does comparison become moot? Would you rather eat one poison apple or two poison apples? Is there an option where I get to live?

I feel like comparing racists to other racists is kinda like that. My biased queer woman of colour opinion on the matter is: You don't get to pat yourself on the back for being the "least terrible" and I don't owe you gratitude for not treating me worse.

Using other "more heinous" acts of racism to metaphorically wash your hands of your own crime... it feels icky to me. Its like instumentalising the suffering of somebody else's victims to placate your own victims.

I'm no scholar, but that doesn't sit right with me.

To: The "biOLoGiCaL iMpErAtiVe" that causes my body to torture me montly with bloddy pain for having the gall to eschew "mOtHeRhOd". To the "HeAvEnLy WrAtH" which punishes me for my dogged refusal to bring forth hideous progeny into the hideous mortal realm I was forced to inhabit.

I took some pain killers. Now what? Not so tough now, are you? Bring it on. If all it takes to defy god is tylenol, Imma make it a habit. Bitch.

I don't know when I began to think that ignorance might be bliss. But not having the ability to "un-know" has been rotting our miserable human lives since Eve was convinced by a phallic symbol to eat "ThE FrUiT oF tHe TrEe Of ThE kNoWlEdGe Of GoOd AnD eViL"

At night my brain goes:

Concious me: I need to do [thing that is important but I forgot what it is] before tomorrow!

ADHD: You don't have the spoons to do [thing]

CONCIOUS ME: I'll be the judge of that! I can totally manage my spoons responsibly when I know what I need to get done. Just tell me what the task is.

ADHD: How did you forget! it's so important!

CONCIOUS ME: I didn't forget, we forgot!

ADHD: So it's my fault that you can't remember important things *cries in self hatred & RSD*

CONCIOUS ME: fuck. So brain is out of commission. How the fuck do I remember the thing I have to do!?

* Beloved Gf attempts interaction*

ADHD BRAIN & CONCIOUS SELF SIMULTANIOUSLY: Excuse me, could you not interrupt us when we're in the middle of an (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) argument! Can't you see the (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) crisis I'm experiencing!?

BELOVED GF: says anything... literally anything

ADHD: She hates us. She hates me and she tolerates you. And we are inextricably linked. Would that it were so easy to kill me! Would that I could die to let you live!! *melodramatic hand gestures*

CONCIOUS SELF: *to ADHD* oh shit, do you really think that!?

CONCIOUS SELF: *to self* No, we talked about this. She doesn't want to hurt you.

CONCIOUS SELF: *proceeds to freak out at beloved GF*

we really can’t overstate how damaging it has been to indoctrinate the public with the idea that if they let themselves eat as much as they want, they’ll eat too much. human bodies, when permitted over the long term to eat as much as they want, actually get really, really good at calibrating their hunger and satiety, and will over time eat exactly the right amount for themselves. the common conception of a balanced eater as a minimal or restrained eater is absolutely wrong. balanced eaters eat quite a lot (compared to diet cultural ideas about right intake amounts), and they do so consistently and permanently. healthy, balanced eating isn’t some tightrope walk, it’s a gigantic net of total permission to eat.

Um so...

I tried avoiding conflict with my mom... but that turned into avoiding my mom...

On tuesday after a very intense phone call with her and an equally intense therapy session, I decided to go no contact.

I then hung out with friends, got embarrassingly drunk, woke up with a hangover that was less debilitating than I had hoped and blocked her on all my socials.

I didn't think ti was going to hurt *me* this much. I should be happy. But I feel guilty. I feel like I gave up too soon, like if I had hung on a little longer, then everything would have been ok.

But I know that's not true. I know that she uses the fact that I still have hope to rope me back in every time. And every time I fall for it.

I know I don't miss her. I know I miss the "in between" times. I miss the way she would behave when she was making up for having hurt me; when she was trying to "earn" the forgiveness I gave her for free. I miss how she would make me feel so safe and so loved, like I was the only one with who she could really be herself, like there was no one in the world who saw me like she did.

I know that all those wo derfull feelings come at the cost of hollowing out everything that makes me "me" to make room for what she wants me to be.

I know all that.

And It still feels like I fucked up. Like I should apologize and beg for her forgiveness and pray to a god I no longer believe in that she will welcome me back into a "home" that has only ever felt as calm and as safe as the eye of a hurricane.

You are my favorite blog on this site. Also as a fellow ex-Catholic, I have a question. What was the metaphor that your church used for purity and virginity? Mine was a rose with plucked petals.

The rose with plucked petals was definitely one but I also heard a tape metaphor where having multiple partners was akin to sticking a piece of tape to mulitple different surfaces. Obviously the tape would lose its effectiveness and ability to stick to anything and somehow that meant you too would lose the ability to bond with your partner if you had a few sexual partners before them. From what I can remember, there seemed to be more of an emphasis on outright implying that you were dirty and used up if you lost your virginity rather than using analogies or metaphors.

you ever find a piece of clothing and feel like you just stumbled upon an essential bit of your character design

Honestly, i have 0 trust in Christian priests. Like, these mfs literally read the whole ass fuckin' Bible and had no problem with it? Decided to preach it even? Suspicious.

I struggle with:

ADHD & neurospicy-nes

Rejection sensitive dysphoria

Possible Autism diagnosis is on the bacckburner for an indefinite period of time.

Depression

Borderline personality disorder

And being told "you can't"

My response to you can't is: "watch me"

And that usually leads to me crashing and burning in spectacular fashion.

At night my brain goes:

Concious me: I need to do [thing that is important but I forgot what it is] before tomorrow!

ADHD: You don't have the spoons to do [thing]

CONCIOUS ME: I'll be the judge of that! I can totally manage my spoons responsibly when I know what I need to get done. Just tell me what the task is.

ADHD: How did you forget! it's so important!

CONCIOUS ME: I didn't forget, we forgot!

ADHD: So it's my fault that you can't remember important things *cries in self hatred & RSD*

CONCIOUS ME: fuck. So brain is out of commission. How the fuck do I remember the thing I have to do!?

* Beloved Gf attempts interaction*

ADHD BRAIN & CONCIOUS SELF SIMULTANIOUSLY: Excuse me, could you not interrupt us when we're in the middle of an (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) argument! Can't you see the (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) crisis I'm experiencing!?

BELOVED GF: says anything... literally anything

ADHD: She hates us. She hates me and she tolerates you. And we are inextricably linked. Would that it were so easy to kill me! Would that I could die to let you live!! *melodramatic hand gestures*

CONCIOUS SELF: *to ADHD* oh shit, do you really think that!?

CONCIOUS SELF: *to self* No, we talked about this. She doesn't want to hurt you.

CONCIOUS SELF: *proceeds to freak out at beloved GF*

Hi i um.. i'm trying to compartmentalize my trauma dumps away from my fandom shit so... yeah... I'm here to vent.

I think I understand the patients of plague doctors and "barbers". Because if a Doctor from the 1910's came to my home and told me to drink my heroin while an 18th century scholar melts some metal to pour in my ear. I'd be like: "will it make the pain go away?", and then they'd look at each other and go like: "totally, we're experts", and I'd say: "proceed!", and then I'd be dead. But my ear wouldn't hurt anymore!

So basically my question is:

How to ear infection?

How to pain?

Halp?