I Want To Metaphorically Jump Off A Building And See Who Catches Me. But At Least I'm Self Aware Enough

Ya llego ✨✨✨

Um so...

I tried avoiding conflict with my mom... but that turned into avoiding my mom...

On tuesday after a very intense phone call with her and an equally intense therapy session, I decided to go no contact.

I then hung out with friends, got embarrassingly drunk, woke up with a hangover that was less debilitating than I had hoped and blocked her on all my socials.

I didn't think ti was going to hurt *me* this much. I should be happy. But I feel guilty. I feel like I gave up too soon, like if I had hung on a little longer, then everything would have been ok.

But I know that's not true. I know that she uses the fact that I still have hope to rope me back in every time. And every time I fall for it.

I know I don't miss her. I know I miss the "in between" times. I miss the way she would behave when she was making up for having hurt me; when she was trying to "earn" the forgiveness I gave her for free. I miss how she would make me feel so safe and so loved, like I was the only one with who she could really be herself, like there was no one in the world who saw me like she did.

I know that all those wo derfull feelings come at the cost of hollowing out everything that makes me "me" to make room for what she wants me to be.

I know all that.

And It still feels like I fucked up. Like I should apologize and beg for her forgiveness and pray to a god I no longer believe in that she will welcome me back into a "home" that has only ever felt as calm and as safe as the eye of a hurricane.

You are my favorite blog on this site. Also as a fellow ex-Catholic, I have a question. What was the metaphor that your church used for purity and virginity? Mine was a rose with plucked petals.

The rose with plucked petals was definitely one but I also heard a tape metaphor where having multiple partners was akin to sticking a piece of tape to mulitple different surfaces. Obviously the tape would lose its effectiveness and ability to stick to anything and somehow that meant you too would lose the ability to bond with your partner if you had a few sexual partners before them. From what I can remember, there seemed to be more of an emphasis on outright implying that you were dirty and used up if you lost your virginity rather than using analogies or metaphors.

I think I understand the patients of plague doctors and "barbers". Because if a Doctor from the 1910's came to my home and told me to drink my heroin while an 18th century scholar melts some metal to pour in my ear. I'd be like: "will it make the pain go away?", and then they'd look at each other and go like: "totally, we're experts", and I'd say: "proceed!", and then I'd be dead. But my ear wouldn't hurt anymore!

So basically my question is:

How to ear infection?

How to pain?

Halp?

Sex is wholesome.

Tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead!

You can't! I'm dying on this hill!

Hi i um.. i'm trying to compartmentalize my trauma dumps away from my fandom shit so... yeah... I'm here to vent.

I'm coming up on my 25th birthday and I've never seen a gynecologist because my family doctor also happens to be a close family friend and even though he knows I've been sexually active for a while I just can't seem to bring myself to be specific.

What am I supposed to say?

"Oh yeah, I know you know I'm in a lesbian relationship, but my Gf has a nine inch dick with which she plows me on the regular, so maybe I should get my cervix looked at, if for no other reason than to make sure everything is still where it should be"

To: The "biOLoGiCaL iMpErAtiVe" that causes my body to torture me montly with bloddy pain for having the gall to eschew "mOtHeRhOd". To the "HeAvEnLy WrAtH" which punishes me for my dogged refusal to bring forth hideous progeny into the hideous mortal realm I was forced to inhabit.

I took some pain killers. Now what? Not so tough now, are you? Bring it on. If all it takes to defy god is tylenol, Imma make it a habit. Bitch.

Excerpt from a text convo between two Friends who both have BPD:

*edited for typos and clarity*

[...] I will do what Is in my nature to do.

I will beg the frog to take me to the other side of the river.

The frog will say no because it knows it cannot trust me.

And I will say: "you can trust me because if I sting you I too will drown".

And with its last ghasping drowning breath the frog will ask me: "why?" and I will say:

"Because it's in my nature".

As a person with BPD, I deeply identify with the scorpion in that story. I don't start out wanting to hurt the people that are helping me. I don't start out thinking about how much pain I can cause.

I ask for help from people who should know better than to trust me and I make it very difficult for them to do what I asked.

"Let yourself be loved", said my mother as she squeezed and pinched and bruied us with her hugs and kisses.

Don't be a "Limosnero con garrote" (begger with a club), my parents would tell us. They often found it difficult to meet our needs. And somehow, that was our fault.

Can a scorpion live without its stinger? Can a beggar carry a club? Can I stop hurting?