Um So...

Um so...

I tried avoiding conflict with my mom... but that turned into avoiding my mom...

On tuesday after a very intense phone call with her and an equally intense therapy session, I decided to go no contact.

I then hung out with friends, got embarrassingly drunk, woke up with a hangover that was less debilitating than I had hoped and blocked her on all my socials.

I didn't think ti was going to hurt *me* this much. I should be happy. But I feel guilty. I feel like I gave up too soon, like if I had hung on a little longer, then everything would have been ok.

But I know that's not true. I know that she uses the fact that I still have hope to rope me back in every time. And every time I fall for it.

I know I don't miss her. I know I miss the "in between" times. I miss the way she would behave when she was making up for having hurt me; when she was trying to "earn" the forgiveness I gave her for free. I miss how she would make me feel so safe and so loved, like I was the only one with who she could really be herself, like there was no one in the world who saw me like she did.

I know that all those wo derfull feelings come at the cost of hollowing out everything that makes me "me" to make room for what she wants me to be.

I know all that.

And It still feels like I fucked up. Like I should apologize and beg for her forgiveness and pray to a god I no longer believe in that she will welcome me back into a "home" that has only ever felt as calm and as safe as the eye of a hurricane.

More Posts from Billie-the-scapegoat and Others

2 years ago

we really can’t overstate how damaging it has been to indoctrinate the public with the idea that if they let themselves eat as much as they want, they’ll eat too much. human bodies, when permitted over the long term to eat as much as they want, actually get really, really good at calibrating their hunger and satiety, and will over time eat exactly the right amount for themselves. the common conception of a balanced eater as a minimal or restrained eater is absolutely wrong. balanced eaters eat quite a lot (compared to diet cultural ideas about right intake amounts), and they do so consistently and permanently. healthy, balanced eating isn’t some tightrope walk, it’s a gigantic net of total permission to eat.

Sex is wholesome.

Tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead!

You can't! I'm dying on this hill!


Tags
2 years ago

Just saw another "if you hurt people because of your faith you don't really have any faith" post, and wanted to point out once again that this weird thing we do where we pretend that "real" religion is incapable of doing harm isn't doing us any favors. Of course people with "real" faith can hurt people! Christians beat their queer kids because they have real faith that being queer gets you tortured forever after you die, and that beating kids is a 100% god-approved activity! India's beef vigilantes kill their Muslim neighbors because they have real faith that cows are sacred animals that shouldn't be killed!

Stop this No True Scotsman shit! All it does is cede the moral high ground in every situation to religious belief, automatically agreeing that religion makes you a better person, and anything that makes you a worse person can't be religion.

2 years ago

At night my brain goes:

Concious me: I need to do [thing that is important but I forgot what it is] before tomorrow!

ADHD: You don't have the spoons to do [thing]

CONCIOUS ME: I'll be the judge of that! I can totally manage my spoons responsibly when I know what I need to get done. Just tell me what the task is.

ADHD: How did you forget! it's so important!

CONCIOUS ME: I didn't forget, we forgot!

ADHD: So it's my fault that you can't remember important things *cries in self hatred & RSD*

CONCIOUS ME: fuck. So brain is out of commission. How the fuck do I remember the thing I have to do!?

* Beloved Gf attempts interaction*

ADHD BRAIN & CONCIOUS SELF SIMULTANIOUSLY: Excuse me, could you not interrupt us when we're in the middle of an (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) argument! Can't you see the (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) crisis I'm experiencing!?

BELOVED GF: says anything... literally anything

ADHD: She hates us. She hates me and she tolerates you. And we are inextricably linked. Would that it were so easy to kill me! Would that I could die to let you live!! *melodramatic hand gestures*

CONCIOUS SELF: *to ADHD* oh shit, do you really think that!?

CONCIOUS SELF: *to self* No, we talked about this. She doesn't want to hurt you.

CONCIOUS SELF: *proceeds to freak out at beloved GF*

2 years ago

I hate the spring

Because it smells like a schoolyard, like a rubber band about to snap, like unreachable expectations. I reeks of change and hope that sours like milk in the sun. It smells like an wild animal about to pounce on its vulnerable pray.

It makes me nauseous, it wets my socks, it burns my eyes and It looms over me like the inevitable end of all that is good.


Tags
2 years ago

At night my brain goes:

Concious me: I need to do [thing that is important but I forgot what it is] before tomorrow!

ADHD: You don't have the spoons to do [thing]

CONCIOUS ME: I'll be the judge of that! I can totally manage my spoons responsibly when I know what I need to get done. Just tell me what the task is.

ADHD: How did you forget! it's so important!

CONCIOUS ME: I didn't forget, we forgot!

ADHD: So it's my fault that you can't remember important things *cries in self hatred & RSD*

CONCIOUS ME: fuck. So brain is out of commission. How the fuck do I remember the thing I have to do!?

* Beloved Gf attempts interaction*

ADHD BRAIN & CONCIOUS SELF SIMULTANIOUSLY: Excuse me, could you not interrupt us when we're in the middle of an (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) argument! Can't you see the (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) crisis I'm experiencing!?

BELOVED GF: says anything... literally anything

ADHD: She hates us. She hates me and she tolerates you. And we are inextricably linked. Would that it were so easy to kill me! Would that I could die to let you live!! *melodramatic hand gestures*

CONCIOUS SELF: *to ADHD* oh shit, do you really think that!?

CONCIOUS SELF: *to self* No, we talked about this. She doesn't want to hurt you.

CONCIOUS SELF: *proceeds to freak out at beloved GF*

2 years ago

I don't know when I began to think that ignorance might be bliss. But not having the ability to "un-know" has been rotting our miserable human lives since Eve was convinced by a phallic symbol to eat "ThE FrUiT oF tHe TrEe Of ThE kNoWlEdGe Of GoOd AnD eViL"

2 years ago

You are my favorite blog on this site. Also as a fellow ex-Catholic, I have a question. What was the metaphor that your church used for purity and virginity? Mine was a rose with plucked petals.

The rose with plucked petals was definitely one but I also heard a tape metaphor where having multiple partners was akin to sticking a piece of tape to mulitple different surfaces. Obviously the tape would lose its effectiveness and ability to stick to anything and somehow that meant you too would lose the ability to bond with your partner if you had a few sexual partners before them. From what I can remember, there seemed to be more of an emphasis on outright implying that you were dirty and used up if you lost your virginity rather than using analogies or metaphors.


Tags

I cry for the butcher

Gold silver and copper

cake my tongue

No harm can ever come from

my mother's praying hands

My filthy mouth -

I harmed myself

Orange wedge lip

Clenched ivory threat

Pulled the trigger with my tongue

Blood orange

Her saintly hands

I’m sorry - a million times over

I say to her

And when i finally cry

It is not for the lamb.


Tags
Loading...
End of content
No more pages to load
  • villian-lover7899
    villian-lover7899 liked this · 4 months ago
  • artbymel26
    artbymel26 liked this · 4 months ago
  • mrsrussellsworld
    mrsrussellsworld liked this · 1 year ago
  • griancraft
    griancraft liked this · 1 year ago
  • chaos-from-basil
    chaos-from-basil liked this · 2 years ago
  • apaturailia
    apaturailia liked this · 2 years ago
  • shackled-brushbuddy
    shackled-brushbuddy liked this · 2 years ago
  • lizzy64ds
    lizzy64ds liked this · 2 years ago
  • billie-the-scapegoat
    billie-the-scapegoat reblogged this · 2 years ago
billie-the-scapegoat - Billie The Scapegoat - cares too much for her good
Billie The Scapegoat - cares too much for her good

25 she/her? (idk close enough) 🏳️‍🌈

28 posts

Explore Tumblr Blog
Search Through Tumblr Tags