Tw Vent - Blog Posts

i will yell and cry and scream until my throat is raw and ragged

I WILL LOVE I WILL BE LOVED! I WILL HOLD MY ARMS OPEN FOR OTHERS AND THEY WILL FIND COMFORT IN MY EMBRACE!!! I WILL NEVER BE LIKE YOU! I WILL LOVE! I WILL LOVE!

Eyes blade Why hello there beautiful you would make some lovely artwork

(TW:venting)

I’m so tired, like so dead tired right now

I’ve gotten sick 3 times in the last 3 months, barely gotten any rest from it because my family somehow always throws endless tasks at me whenever I end up sick, and I’m not allowed to miss school either so I never end up fully recovering

I’ve had 35-40 nose bleeds in the span of 3 weeks, now I have to go to an ENT specialist to find out if I have to get cauterized, which is extremely painful

I keep having my own personal doubts about myself and my own insecurities, like whether I’m good enough, or if me friends actually care for me, etc

I don’t like going deep into my personal life, especially with my family, it’s a very complicated life with them but I love them so dearly that I feel so guilty whenever I feel upset with them

it’s so loud here, every little sound and movement ticks me off, I have an endless migraine and I’m sick of the school nurses looking at me with pity or thinking I’m lying to get out of class

and I’m so fucking sick and tired and being treated like I’m stupid. I’m in all honor classes, I learned how to be a therapist for my family when I was younger than fucking 5, I basically raised my older brother, I work so hard. And then people treat me like I’m stupid in the areas I’m actually working and doing well in, like I don’t know anything. Like I’m a stupid little girl in their eyes and I hate it.

when I finally shut down and tell people how I feel, they laugh and think I’m overreacting or that it doesn’t matter, that everything will be okay

and not everything has been okay, but I’m so thankful for the things that are. I’m thankful for my best friends, my absolutely amazing boyfriend, and family even though they have their problems, my school and my education, my hope in my health getting better, and especially shifting. There are so many good things going on in my life but when I get like this all I can focus on are the bad and negative and the pain and hurt.

I just want to sleep, I just want to rest, I just want to go home, I want to be with my found family, I miss my mom, I miss my waiting room, I miss my pets, I miss them so bad

I almost shifted today, I took a nap and the second before my alarm went off to go to theater I saw my waiting room and almost started balling tears.

that moment made me realize how much I need to be home right now, I need to rest, I need to breathe.

to whomever took the time to read this, I appreciate you for hearing me. I don’t get to express my emotions much, but I appreciate you

take care of yourself, and whomever you are, I love you, you deserve love, and if you feel like how I’m feeling right now, you deserve it all the more <3

Thank you, and good night <3

I made animation

Itsa vent

very heavy stuff today, but i need to get it off my chest

i dont exactly know how tumblr does the whole "read more" thing, so there's gonna be a spam of line breaks and after that read at your own risk. I dont even know what kinda TWs this would qualify under so consider this your "bad shit under here you've been warned"

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I am so fucking close to snapping i swear to neptune, allah, fucking buddha, any god that is fucking out there why do i have to be such a broken, useless piece of shit. fucking AAAAAAAAAAAAA im so fucking tired, so fucking tired of only existing to be beaten, used and abused then forgotten. Fuck my fucking life. It's never getting better, people keep fucking telling me that same platitude but i've been waiting two fucking decades for it to just magically "get better" and guess what IT FUCKING DOESNT. Im not even a real fucking person, im a goddamn *shard* of what used to be a person. im incapable of taking care of myself, incapable of ever "functioning" in modern society. all im ever going to be is someone's fucking retard burden to drag them down for the rest of my natural born fucking life. I look hideous, im completely disabled because of decades of constant mind-breaking trauma and will likely never recover, the country i live in is going to shit, im absolutely penniless with no hope of ever having an income. what fucking future is there. At this point im about ready to just give up, let go of the controls and let myself fade into nothing. There's two more fucking backup personalities in here maybe they wont be such fuckups. I was made to be a weapon, a survival-mode emergency shield and nothing more, i cant survive actual life. I cant even be someone's fucking malewife housecat and be pampered all day because i spun the orientation wheel and got "Dom-top". How the fuck does that work when i can barely get off the couch in the morning? when i have to be kept pretty much on fucking life support by someone else or ill literally drown in my own garbage. Maybe the bronchitis i had as an infant was meant to kill me and this is the world's way of correcting its mistake. Holy fuck here's to hoping i get hit by a meteor, like to charge reblog to fucking nail me like the dinosaurs.

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Vent over, here's a fish as a palate cleanser

POV: you really want to release an album but you can barely even get out of bed and clean your room nonetheless write a fuckin song

You still sit in front of me in English class, and it kills me a little bit more every time I have to watch you read out loud. Passage by passage, word by word sentence by sentence.

I feel used.

I feel ashamed.

You meant so much to me yet you threw me away like I was disposable. Like I was garbage. Maybe that is all I am to you. Was it for the money? Was it because I let you use my cell phone? Was it because I made you look less pathetic in comparison? Ten fucking years and 5 calls to CPS yet once the summer ended it was like I didn't exist anymore. So yeah, sit with your annoying friends and complain about how shitty your life is. I for one, know about the lies, the exaggerations, the manipulations. Just last year you had practically convinced me that every little inconvenience was my fault.

Enjoy your friends, enjoy being popular, enjoy not having me around, the only person who didn't just have you around because of pity. I wish I could tell you right now just how I feel. I try not to cry about it but the tears run down my cheeks regardless. You were my best friend, my sister, my everything, but I was nothing. You used me up until I was nothing left, treated me like my depression and anxiety were nothing to you and wouldn't even apologize. Everytime I just wanted a second to myself you'd cry and make me feel bad like the child you are. I hope you feel this right now, the pain I feel every day because of you. Part of me still misses you, I'll see something funny on the Internet and wonder what you'd think. I'll draw a picture or write a song and wonder if you'd be proud of me.

Go fuck yourself.

TW: "sewerslide" mention!!!

Venting lmao

Uhm so I've been going through it honestly. But I hate it because I'm pretty sure it's all just me and it's in my head as it usually tends to be.

Anyhow, long story short I've been feeling worse than ever and keep contemplating just giving up on everything. It's not even shifting it's just I feel that I genuinely can't. do anything. even the knowledge or the hope that I can js get out of here isn't helping. I keep crashing out honestly. I haven't felt like this in so long I was so sure I would never feel downright bad. I'm genuinely literally just putting pity on myself atp and it doesn't help thinking about it. but I cant ask for help they don't want to reach out to anyone, they wont let me.

But I want to try even if for just one last time to make it through. I would like to shift today, or even just change my state of mind despite it being really goddamn hard for me right now. I just hope it won't be my last time.

Whipping this out whenever my abuser tries to victimise himself tbh

Trigger Warning: Vent art w/ suicide-related content

Sometimes it feels like a little bit of ego mania is inherent to human nature, par for the course- other times it feels like im drowning in the doubt of whether im actually smart or just a narcissist. I always thought it was a problem that everyone had, but then i realized that the struggle to confirm to the self that you are who you say you are - whether you said who you were aloud to others or not - is not actually normal. Imposter syndrome is a finicky bitch that needs to pick a lane, are you sticking around or leaving me the hell alone- chop chop i wanna know. At the same time, i know that for people struggling with imposter syndrome (myself included) it can be really difficult to accept facts about yourself as true or untrue- especially when your an avid consumer of books and movies and shit, because every time you feel the imposter syndrome popping up your like “uhm, why do i sound like a book character- ew no, that is cringe i do not want to fall into tropes”

If look back I’m sure I’ll remember, the words I held back and chose not to say. I am sinking, drowning, dying in my despair; a despair I caused and chose not to share. How I feel feels unimportant, not worthwhile of mention, I just wish I’d had said it before I started to feel benched in; inside my room is where I’ve chosen to stay, despite how I wish and want to feel the sun and go out to play. I have not the words to describe the way I feel caged, it’s pitiful truly. Stuck in a gilded prison I myself made. I find it sad though to be honest, I finally spoke my mind and mentioned this bind that in myself I find; and the reaction was tame, it makes me feel lame to say that I was hoping for hope, for words left unspoken to fall from my mouth and for your response to make me not quite hate myself, but here I am sitting in bed, phone in my hand and pillow at my head listening to you ramble on unabashed, wishing I’d trusted you less and acted less rash. Your speech is slow, words are slurred as you speak about pottery sharing interests long unheard. A part of me feels bad for my one word responses, for the fact that if you asked what you’d said I’d be at a loss for words that were supposed to be held in my mouth; words that even had I known I’d dare not spout. I love you my dear, you’ve always been there, and you’ve kept me up as sturdily as the chair, that was carved on the day I turned 8, I ate those feelings away, lost to the old wind, the passage of time, a reference to a time that bas never been mine but I have longed to reach in hopes of some simpler days that my mind conjured up in a tired, alone, upset, and tied down haze; And even as I speak these words now I am all to unsure that my words will be heard, that the ears I called forth for word, will brush me off to the side and my the words I once chose to keep but now relent on saying will once again go unheard. I love you my dear, but goddamnit are you dense; I wish I’d not crossed that fence, the line where I chose to belt out my heart in hopes that you’d hear, but to my dismay you were gone away in the fray of people living through their days, Ignoring me and walking around me without a word as if I am in their way.

Can we notice that both times Trump went against women he won? This is a horrible pattern.

"but it was a joke!" okay well your joke made me want to kms but thats fine since you were just joking ig

Maybe you can’t let it go because you know I genuinely care and I’m working on it.

You know that I’ll get better

You know I’ll never do it again

hey don't worry about that dumb coinflip post irls ok I've just removed the part of me who thinks about that and it won't come back.

Ik you wouldn't want me to get hurt so i wont. This doesnt just apply to you btw it applies to them and anyone else who might be looking out for me.

And if it seems like im only getting better for your sake, you should know I'm getting better for myself as well as everyone else. even if you didn't worry about me i'll still improve

I'm in a really good place right now and now I just need to wait it out because I'm sure you need more time.

ngl talking with my brothers brought me so much clarity about my life.

I'm lucky to have what I have now.

I won't take the easy way out, because I promised I wouldn't.

i just need to sleep properly, I'll be a little better in the morning.

I've been getting better every day, I just had a bit of a doom mindset tonight.

Won't happen again though.

oh right i forgot to update.

My friend convinced me to eat tonight so I ate like 2 servings of dinner and i think i'll wake up early so i can eat tomorrow properly

I think I'll bring some snacks too because I don't want anyone trying to give me food...

shoutout to my friend for convincing me to eat btw. he's a real one.

ykw nah I'll take fate in my own hands for once. I don't need a coinflip

I'm happy with just waiting for things to play out.

Talking with my brothers kinda fixed my mindset for now so I'll be okay for a while.

fighting for my will to live rn

on the upside I got more VA work and my grades are decent and my brothers are talking to me more

on the downside i ruined my relationship and friendships, i constantly feel like crying, i still haven't even had a chance to stop and process my recent trauma, and these fucking wings wont go away or stop hurting. At least last time they started hurting they were my normal ones. these ones feel different and idk if this is a new kintype or something since I have felt this before but I REALLY don't need this rn especially with everyone around me.

ugh maybe ill leave it up to a coinflip like the last hard decision i made

I don't need a coinflip actually I control my own fate

and yet i would have shoved it at you and ran away because regardless i want you to be alright

ill be fine, i already found ways to be okay.

focus on yourself right now. please.

you're the one who needs support, and i hope you're getting enough from everyone.

the reason i've been running away from you is because i hate seeing how you look at me these days.

i hope that soon, you'll be able to look at me normally again.

i would’ve given you some food if i knew you didn’t have enough. i always have extra

i wouldn't have taken it. ive already taken enough from you.

i appreciate you wanting to help me but i encourage you to wait until you think i've gotten better to try helping.

theres no use in trying to help me if you don't think im changing

im sorry i couldnt face you at all today

don’t be sorry

i won't ever stop apologizing for this

don’t feel too bad. at least i can flex my invulnerability to having my arm twisted like a motorcycle handlebar

im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im srry

someone please send me asks or something ive had next to no interaction with anyone today including my mother.

the closest thing i had to a conversation today was being thanked for doing all the work on a group project, and the several times i apologized quietly as i ran away from someone while trying not to throw up out of guilt

I have yet again been encouraged to stay out of the public eye and keep to myself at school.

So… I didn’t eat again today. I know I said I would but I genuinely didn’t have time this morning and I’m out of money to buy lunch.

I’ll eat something at dinner time I promise

God at this rate I’m gonna be more malnourished then that glowing russian twink/ref

She’s… letting me design the angel.

I mean the design part isn’t the problem.

Most of my old OCs are angels anyway. Not sure what that says about me, I’m a little confused these days.

The hard part is going to be drawing it while I still feel my wings…

It’ll just feel wrong…

I should eat… but I can’t eat anything for another few hours or my mom will know I’m not sleeping again…

I haven’t digested anything other then a handful of snacks in the last 48 hours because i lose my breakfast whenever i take my meds, I don’t get lunch money anymore, and I can’t bring myself to eat dinner for some reason.