melojinko

Latest Posts by melojinko

Akutagawa Kinnie Callout/Analysis - from An Atsu kinnie’s experience with an Aku kinnie Bestie

where my akutagawa kinnies at? If u read this and ur an aku kinnie I love u,, u guys deserve the world <33 (sorry if this isn’t fully accurate as I’m not an Aku kinnie myself!!)

Having that one person (your “Dazai”) in your life you’re super attached to, that always seems to hurt you.

you want nothing more than their love, approval and affection, only for them to seem, time and time again, to choose others over you, make you feel left out or abandoned. Often, it feels like you have a love-hate relationship with them. (Bonus points if the Dazai has terrible communication skills). You’ve been hurt by them so many times, but you still always manage to forgive them and stay attached to them. 2. You hate being seen as pitiful, weak or different by others

Which is why you are only vulnerable with people you really really trust.

3. You hate the people the Dazai in your life chooses over you

You’re always left wondering, what is it that they have that you don’t? Are you just too boring to be around? You try your best to keep up, to improve yourself, change yourself in ways to appeal to that special person. But it never seems to be enough.

4. Abandonment issues

You are terrified of being left by people, especially that special person. Whenever people let you down, you feel like it’d be safer to isolate yourself from everyone. At least then, you wouldn’t be hurt.

pov: ur an Atsushi kinnie in a trio with an Akutagawa and Dazai kinnie, and you have to watch the exact same situation between BSD Akutagawa and Dazai play out irl

#why do akutagawa kinnies seek the love and approval of the dazai in their life so much </3

Every Atsushi kinnie needs an Akutagawa kinnie bestie 🫶

-an Atsushi kinnie currently missing their Akutagawa kinnie bestie

Little by little I grew apart from the world and distant from others. I fed my cowardly self-respect with dollops of rage, shame, and self-pity. We are all of us trainers of wild beasts, it is said, and the beasts in question are our own inner selves. In my case, the beast inside was my self-important sense of shame. That was my tiger, and it damaged me, brought sorrow to my wife and children, wounded my friends, and, in the end, changed my outward form into this animal that befits my inward state. I realized now that I wasted what little talent I had.

Nakajima Atsushi, “The Moon Over The Mountain” from The Moon Over the Mountain Short Story Collection

Hi by the way I'm never going to not throw up when thinking about what BSD says about abusers and victims. Abuse can occur out of love or a desire to protect or save or help someone and it's still abuse. Abuse can occur and years later you will still feel the affects so deeply it's as if it's a part of your body. Your abuser can change and regret and sometimes that means you will walk away over and over and sometimes it means you will throw yourself at them over and over and both are because you never developed a sense of self beyond what they made you to be. Your abuser will die and you will cry and you will hate him and in your weakest moments his memory will be there. Your abuser will live and become a better person and you're still stuck there unable to move on. The sheer complexity of what it allows and asks of us - to understand that at the end of the day we're all people fucking each other up and making mistakes. No one is a monster and wouldn't it just be easier if we were?

Canon Events for children with broken families

• heart rate going up, ears listening carefully, at any sudden loud sounds that sound like objects being thrown, yelling or drunk wailing

• hating the scent of grape juice because it reminds you of wine (and of broken objects, of pools of vomit)

• swearing to never drink alcohol when you grow up (you will never be like her)

• studying really hard and excelling in school to escape your home life (school is one thing you can control)

• being told by parents to never tell friends about your family situation or they would backstab you (and thus feeling terrible whenever you confide in others now)

• parents going months without talking to each other and using you as their messenger (leading to more misunderstandings and arguments)

• “you are just like your father/mother”, in a bad way (it’s not your fault you have your father’s eyes)

ATSUSHI KINNIE HI (smiles really big at you)

HELLOO OMG HI AKUTAGAWA KINNIE !!

Shin Soukoku: Why BSD cannot be told without Atsushi and Akutagawa

How's everyone feeling after chapter 121.5? Pretty great, right? Pretty SSKK-brained, right? Well, I've got good news for you - Atsushi and Akutagawa are absolutely the emotional core of Bungou Stray Dogs.

That's right chat - whether you ship them or not, these two are absolutely fundamental to the entirety of BSD. Take whatever perspective you want on them - as lovers, as friends, as rivals who despise each other fundamentally but learn to trust one another - these two and their relationship cannot be separated from the overarching themes of their tale.

Naturally, I will be using the mainline manga as reference, as I believe it to be the best source for the overall story of BSD as well as information on Akutagawa and Atsushi's characters (since the light novels and spinoff mangas tend to focus predominantly on characters like Dazai and Chuuya, and BEAST doesn't count). Obviously, spoilers for everything. So, with that in mind, let's begin:

What is BSD about?

Many people would agree that one of the main themes of Bungou Stray Dogs is the value of a human life. Numerous characters struggle with issues surrounding their right to even be alive (Atsushi, Dazai, Akutagawa, Kyouka, Yosano, I mean the list goes on), their status as a human being (Dazai, Chuuya, Akutagawa, Sigma, and arguably Fyodor), or the amount of life required to be taken in order for the 'greater good' (most specifically the conflict between Fukuzawa and Fukuchi, but also Fyodor).

Pretty much every character in Bungou Stray Dogs struggles with some sort of suicidality or has assigned themselves a purpose that they must never stray from (Kunikida and his ideals come to mind - he believes he should not live unless he can follow the exact principles that he has composed for himself), causing them to equate the value of their lives to this one purpose.

It makes sense, then, that three of the most major villains we've had so far - Fitzgerald, Fyodor, and Fukuchi - have their own ways of cheating death: Fitzgerald in his quest to use the Book and resurrect his daughter, Fyodor with his ability, and Fukuchi with Shintou Amenogozen. What's more, all of them aim to cause immense loss of life (Fyodor is willing to kill anyone and everyone in pursuit of purging sin, Fitzgerald didn't mind loss of life in pursuit of money, power, and access to the Book, and although Fukuchi is ultimately on a smaller scale, he still aimed to kill a large number of people in order to achieve his ideal of peace). The value of a human life is the most sacred thing in this world, and so being able to cheat your own death while causing many others is naturally the most evil thing to do by this world's rules.

A final thing to note that, despite every character believing in some divine (especially in Fyodor's case) purpose for themselves that will finally give their life value, this purpose tends to cause more harm to themselves and others than they would care to admit. Kunikida's ideals especially (I keep using him as an example, it's because I recently read Dazai's entrance exam lmao) are emphasised as ridiculous and overdone, and his rigidity frequently causes him harm. This self-destruction brought on by purpose will become especially relevant as we move on to discuss our two beautiful boys:

Atsushi Nakajima: Useless Self-Pity

News to the people of the world - Atsushi is my favourite character in all of Bungou Stray Dogs. He is perfect to me and I love him. Many people I encounter on the internet have some sort of quantum beef with this man, which I can only assume is because they see in him that their own self-hatred and pity can cause harm, and get extremely butthurt about the fact that self-flagellating does nothing for them. I, however, have no such qualms, and thus I can see that he is certified peak.

One of Atsushi's major flaws, despite all his kindnesses, is that he cannot fathom a reason why he should be allowed to live, and constantly searches for that reason in other people. For a long time, he based his entire worth around the orphanage headmaster's opinion of him, as he was his only involved guardian - and thus, as a result of his abuse, believed himself worthless. Upon leaving home (or more accurately, being forcibly removed), he no longer had a purpose to live, but his survival instincts kept him alive for long enough to meet Dazai.

Meeting Dazai and joining the detective agency was only a short solace - because Atsushi, who wanted to live but truly believed that he did not deserve to, was now on the hunt for a new reason to live: protecting others.

It makes sense that in a high-stakes environment that Atsushi sees the only value of his life as protecting other people. This is first demonstrated during his entrance exam, in chapter two, when this freak of nature jumps on top of a bomb in order to protect the people around him. This seems to earn him approval from others (which he believes is his reason to live, for people to give him their approval and thus confirm he is allowed to exist), so he begins to participate in more battles and save more people's lives and generally act in defence of other people in order to earn his right to be alive.

There is more to be said here, but maybe I'll make a post only about Atsushi some other time. Moving on, one of the main drawbacks of Atsushi's desperation to live and his belief that he needs to protect others, is that he suffers from his main weakness in times of stress - dwelling on the past. Despite possessing the capability to protect and fulfil his purpose, Atsushi will freeze up and begin to spiral into self-hatred whenever anything goes wrong for him.

This is most obvious in the latest chapters, when witnessing all of his friends in the ADA die at the hands of Ame No Gozen and Dostoevsky. He seems entirely unable to take any action and fight back, believing his foe to be insurmountable, despite Fyodor's confirmation that this may not be the case:

So, we've established Atsushi's weakness as his inaction, passivity, and self-hatred. It makes him often useless in battle, and prevents him from creating a purpose for himself and interacting with the value of his life in a healthy way. Instead of protecting others and maintaining his own self worth, he fails to protect others, demolishes his self worth, and thus attempts increasingly dangerous and reckless ways to prove that his life has value. Most notably uh....

This suicide is demonstrative of Atsushi's terrible self-image. He foolishly believes that his life will have value if he literally kills himself, despite the fact that his life will no longer have value if he cannot do anything with it. Atsushi's belief that self-sacrifice is noble when he should be aiming to preserve as many lives as possible, including his own, is the culmination of every scrap of self-hatred he's been developing over the course of the entire story.

However, this can also be perceived also a good act - for once, Atsushi takes action instead of protecting mindlessly, and I will get into how this relates back to Akutagawa and how he teaches him how to take action instead of dwelling on the past, but that's for a later section. Either way, this act of self-sacrifice is both Atsushi moving onward in his character arc - learning how to take action in times of stress, instead of standing still, but also remaining stagnant - he refuses to preserve his own life, preferring instead to sacrifice it in the name of his purpose.

So, to move things along...

Ryuunosuke Akutagawa: Mindless Self-Servitude

More news to the world - you're never gonna guess which BSD character I relate to the most. This freak. This section will hopefully be a little shorter because this post is really dragging on, but no promises!

Akutagawa was very dissociated for the first years of his life - but he still had a purpose right up until his friends died. Being the strongest in his group of children in the slums, he was their assigned protector, and believed this to be his only purpose. It is the loss of this purpose that managed to break the haze around his emotions and first experience hatred - before it causes him to realise he has no reason to go on.

Immediately, Akutagawa takes up a new purpose - to prove his strenght to Dazai. Dazai personally tailors this purpose himself, ensuring that Akutagawa's entire sense of self-worth is dependent on him, willing to sacrifice any hope or joy that he might have had a chance at feeling. At the same time, however, Akutagawa despises Dazai for his treatment, being at least partially cognisant of his abuse, and wishes to kill him - thus creating a paradox in which he shall always wish to destroy his reason for live, but never be able to out of fear of losing said reason to live.

It is pretty important to note that I do not think Akutagawa wishes to die, unlike Atsushi who wholly believes that he should. Rather, Akutagawa becomes what he sees as a heartless monster when he is without a purpose, and thinks that he shall rot away on his own without one, as he believed that he did as a child in the slums, one day away from death at all times (now no longer being wholly aware that he was a fierce protector and once saw that as his reason to live). As a result, he adopts a philosophy that Dazai introduces him to - that the weak shall die, and the strong shall live, and that he better hope to be strong.

So, Akutagawa's worst weakness is that he despises the weak and will quickly and recklessly cut them down, refusing to sheath his sword, as he believes those strong enough to be worthy of life shall be able to hold their own against him in battle. Rather, instead of diminishing his own life in pursuit of saving others, Akutagawa diminishes others' lives in pursuit of saving his own. He acts recklessly and impulsively, underestimating his foes, the opposite of how Atsushi acts. He is actively called out on this by Pushkin upon encountering him:

To rub salt in the wound, earlier this chapter Atsushi calls him out on it multiple times, and Dazai calls him out on it for about... two years straight. So we can parse that Akutagawa really doesn't know how to slow down or quit, always dealing with the present and the now, believing that mass destruction will be a proof of his strength that he can then demonstrate to Dazai and earn his right to live.

This purpose, however, actively harms Akutagawa - in particular, it removes from him his humanity. He is repeatedly referred to as some kind of dog (see: the heartless cur, the silent mad dog, the black-fanged hellhound, the list goes on), and treated like his only use is to fight - which he genuinely believes, and so exists only to hurt and fight others. This causes a vicious cycle - Akutagawa hurts others recklessly -> gets called out on hurting others recklessly and denounced as a dog that doesn't know how to do anything else -> he internalises this idea of not knowing how to do anything but kill -> he continues to hurt others recklessly.

So, we have Akutagawa who will kill others to prove he is strong and thus allowed to live, and Atsushi who will kill himself to prove that he can protect and thus allowed to live. What a pair! So let's get onto the main event that shouldn't have taken this long.

Shin Soukoku: To me, you've always had a right to live

This post isn't about it, but the amount of panels these two have together where they are perfectly mirroring each other is wholly unsubtle. I've never seen anything like it. It is totally ridiculous.

To create an effective narrative foil, one must first create as many similarities between two characters as they can. So let's begin:

Both studied under Dazai

Both struggle with a flimsy reason to live

Both have all-devouring beasts that can cut through things most people wouldn't be able to as their ability

Both think themselves worthless save for one thing

Both are haunted by pasts of physical abuse that cause violence to be their accepted norm

Both feel their emotions very strongly

There's more but I've been at this post for two hours

These similarities, especially the one surrounding their reason to live, are very accessibly noticed in another human being. Overall, both of these two need to learn how to dispense of their current reasons to live, which tend to hinge on another person and a set of narrow-minded ideas (in Atsushi's case, protecting everybody, and in Akutagawa's, the strong needing to defeat the weak).

As a result of being able to notice these flaws very easily in another (having only subconsciously noticed it in themselves), these two do not get along, and repeatedly call each other out on foolish behaviour, enabling each other to improve. This looks slightly different on either side, so I'll go one-by-one.

Let's begin with Atsushi's side of the deal, because I talked about him first. As we established earlier, what he needs to learn is to take action, stop dwelling on his past, and view his life as something worth holding onto, as all human life has value.

The one thing Akutagawa absolutely despises about Atsushi is his absolute unwillingness to take any action at all.

Akutagawa, who is so used to moving forward and fighting and acting in the now, hates Atsushi for being able to dwell on his past and still have Dazai's approval. It fills him with complete and utter rage, and so he unwittingly motivates Atsushi to learn how to take proper action.

Another example is on the boat, when Atsushi's resolve is failing, and he comes to assist.

Ah, the famous line. Unironically though, it is perfectly demonstrative of Akutagawa's ability to instil self-confidence in Atsushi and motivate him into taking action - which does work later on when Atsushi saves Akutagawa from an inevitable death at the hands of Fukuchi, allowing them both to escape with their lives (for now):

So, good job Akutagawa! You've managed to teach Atsushi the power of not sitting around being dead miserable, not doing anything about the things that are visibly going wrong all around him. You know, I bet this won't have any other consequences for both you and him!

Oh, hey, Akutagawa. Guess what else you taught him:

So. We've already established why this is kind of an... issue. But as we can visibly see, Atsushi is able to take action. For the first time in several chapters, he is motivated by the prospective death of the man who warned against his passivity, into acting, not sitting by and watching everybody he cares for die, acting. Akutagawa, whose recklessness and impulsivity Atsushi once criticised, seems to be the one thing that enables him to take action after a period of extreme self-doubt and passivity.

This is especially special because Atsushi is motivated into this action by hallucination Dazai, who was once the hallucination of the orphanage director - who is now, at least implicitly, revealed to be Byakko, or Atsushi's tiger (if I am proven wrong on this then it's SO joever but whatever my theory still holds up). Throughout the entire story, Byakko is used as a metaphor for Atsushi's self-image (which I will possibly go into in another post because I'll be here all day if I do it now). So, if hallucination Dazai motivates Atsushi into acting, that means that Akutagawa has pressured him enough that he has literally permanently altered his self-concept. Insane.

Another thing that Akutagawa criticises Atsushi for is his belief that other people need to be protected, and that he can destroy himself for the sake of others, and thus earn a right to live. He demonstrates this particularly in chapter 35:

Akutagawa's main philosophy is that he who is the strongest shall come out on top, and that sacrificing anything for others is useless. So, he's (still in the process of) teaching Atsushi how to live for himself and look out for himself, which he is able to do whenever they fight against each other, and also when they fight with others - the combination of their abilities is incredibly powerful, and also represents Akutagawa giving up his defences and giving them to Atsushi, thus teaching him how to look out for himself.

This absolutely comes to fruition when Akutagawa sacrifices himself for Atsushi on the boat against Fukuchi and tells him to get away while he still can - however you slice it, he is unintentionally teaching Atsushi that he has the right to live and that Akutagawa is willing to die for it - that it doesn't matter if he protects or if he doesn't, that no matter what happens, he deserves to live. And these guys hate each other! What the hell???

Another thing to note is that now that Atsushi is presumably dead from Akutagawa's POV, he is very visibly devastated, even being able to recall his memories upon seeing the man who he fought so hard to defend take his own life. Should they reunite, I imagine that Akutagawa will be at least slightly angry with Atsushi for sacrificing himself like that - thus moving his arc of self-preservation forward.

Now, let's move onto Akutagawa's side of the deal, after that incredibly long amount of time spent on Atsushi's end.

Akutagawa believes that he does not have the right to go on unless he can prove his strength, specifically to Dazai, and does this via cutting down anything in his path.

Atsushi cannot shut up about how idiotic Akutagawa's impulsivity is. We see this on several occasions, the usually kind Atsushi devolving into downright bitchiness at points:

These are only two examples, because I didn't want to have to go chapter hopping that many times. Sorry chat.

Regardless, Akutagawa needs to be taught how to take things slow and learn how to preserve life instead of absolutely demolishing it. This comes to fruition via the six-month promise that Atsushi forces him to make, playing upon Akutagawa's principles and forcing him to not kill anyone for several months. Akutagawa begrudgingly follows through, and ends up successfully managing it right up until his death at the hands of Fukuchi. In addition, it could be argued that this same impulse-control Atsushi insists on inspiring in Akutagawa is what allows him to be able to stay hidden through most of the terrorist arc. Had the promise not existed, he likely would have killed to get his way, and ended up mistakenly revealed.

So, similar to how Akutagawa unintentionally motivates Atsushi to take action, Atsushi unintentionally motivates Akutagawa to slow things down and avoid impulsively killing. He is able to ensure Akutagawa's sword is sheathed when necessary, a feat that even Dazai couldn't achieve.

In addition, while I'd say the 'Dazai's approval' conflict is still in murky waters with Akutagawa, as he's only just recalled Atsushi and it's unclear if he's recalled anything else, Atsushi unwittingly motivates Akutagawa into reducing his impulsivity by allowing him to realise that Dazai won't be pleased by it:

While this exchange can be interpreted as Akutagawa resigning himself to Dazai's hatred of him, we do see him later postpone the killing of the two guards, both because this mission is literally made to work against him (if the guards die, a signal is sent out) and because Atsushi is constantly pulling him up on his shit.

In addition to this, Atsushi teaches Akutagawa a very important thing - that the lives of the weak matter. This is such an insane breakthrough for Akutagawa's character, also represented by the six-month promise. Despite how he's operated all this time, he learns to see Atsushi - who he has perceived as weak all this time due to his constant self pity - as a valuable ally and a life that matters, even sacrificing himself for him in the end.

Akutagawa sacrificing himself for Atsushi is such an insane move because he has never conceptualised something close to doing anything like that before, not once in his life. Atsushi, through all they have been through together, has reawakened the protective instinct in him that hasn't been active since he was a child. This is directly after Fukuchi attempts to convince him to work for him, too - right after he promises strength and Dazai's approval and everything Akutagawa has ever wanted.

Indeed, his life is that important. It is directly after this exchange that Akutagawa and Atsushi are able to trust each other to launch the surprise attack on Fukuchi, only stopped by the fact that his sword can literally exist outside of space and time. For the life of a weak man, Akutagawa gives up all he ever wanted. He gives up Dazai's approval, which he says that he fears dying without. He gives up a chance to become stronger. He gives up his life, which he so desperately wants to live. All for a weak man. All for somebody who he doesn't believe should live, if he cannot beat another in battle.

This is especially evident in the fact that despite the fact he's lost all of his memories, Akutagawa still adheres to the promise that he made to Atsushi. He has learned to respect the weak enough that he refuses to take a life, even when he is visibly winning in battle. And even though he was inspired by Bram, I would like to point out that Akutagawa has sworn his sword to protect others now, a promise that he will still likely adhere to despite the fact he now retains his memories - after all, we still see him in his knight getup at the end of S5E11, which is at least partially symbolic of his pledge.

In addition, Akutagawa is a character who is likely foreign with grief now that he's basically removed himself from the memories of what happened to him and to his friends in the slums - he never mentions his past, and is very visibly attempting to distance himself from it by engaging with luxury items such as antiques, and enjoying food such as figs, which can be seen as somewhat luxury depending on the context.

However, when Atsushi seemingly dies, he is absolutely devastated, something that I do not think we've seen him be for anything not related to Dazai (correct me if I'm wrong, but this depth of reaction isn't usually present in him). He, who never feels grief, likely because he believes those who die are weak and thus have it coming, is so shocked by Atsushi's death that he regains his memories and feels utter despair at the idea of losing him.

Conclusion

So, Atsushi and Akutagawa, both characters whose reason to live is deeply intertwined in their outlook on life, are able to balance out and improve each other's characteristics tenfold. I imagine as the manga progresses that both of them will teach each other the value of their own lives simply for existing, something that the overarching story of BSD seems to be trying to communicate.

Shin Soukoku is a perfect microcosm of the overall themes of BSD, representing the one question from which the entire story stems. Without these two, this particular theme would mean nothing, considering there would be literally no relatable plane to experience it on. Sure, we can acknowledge that millions of people dying is bad, and accept that human life is valuable through Fukuchi and Fyodor and Fitzgerald, who all attempt to demonstrate the opposite - but without Akutagawa and Atsushi, it wouldn't nearly mean as much.

I am sorry that this post was so long! If you stuck to the end you are an angel sent from the very heavens. Don't be afraid to reblog or comment your thoughts, this is just my opinion and I would love a discussion. If there are any typos I'm also sorry I've been sitting here for three hours trying to collect sources and write. But actually I'm not sorry cos I'm really based

@nonbinarypirat replying to you in the form of a post because i can cite manga panels this way.

this is a complex question! yes, there is never a moment where akutagawa explicitly tells atsushi what dazai did to him. however, there are hints throughout, and a consistent parallel between dazai and the orphanage director that's not just made narratively but said explicitly by the characters.

first, it needs to be established that dazai and the director serve the same purpose for akutagawa and atsushi respectively: dictating whether their life has value. akutagawa consistently tells atsushi that dazai is the one dictating his value, culminating in chapter 88 when he wonders out loud whether teaming up with atsushi is "part of that meaningful life". i won't cite specific panels because he reiterates this point in pretty much every interaction he has with atsushi. atsushi has a similar moment of acknowledging that his motivation is adhering to the standards of the value of his life dictated by the director, in chapter 51, when akutagawa asks him why he's going on the mission to stop the cannibalism virus:

so, both characters are aware of the fact that their personal motivations are dictated by the value judgements their abusers place on them. now to make the case that atsushi is aware of this similarity: look at his reactions to witnessing the abuse akutagawa went through first hand in chapter 122:

those are not expressions of shock. they are deep sadness, concern, but never shock. because he was fundamentally aware of the Problematic relationship akutagawa had with dazai, just not the details. the nature of their relationship was revealed to him over time, largely through hints, but i genuinely think he had the basic idea of the kind of bond they had.

the first time atsushi is made aware of dazai's connection with akutagawa is in chapter 35:

one of the callback panels here, the one where akutagawa is breaking down, is referring to this sequence from chapter 12:

of course, atsushi is not privy to the context of akutagawa's breakdown, not even knowing who the 'he' is at this point, but by the shock in chapter 35 it's clear he's connected the dots that akutagawa's hatred of him has to do with dazai. he also realizes that akutagawa's motivations have to do directly with dazai's acknowledgement of his worth, as evidenced by the emotional climax of their fight with fitzgerald being atsushi telling akutagawa that dazai has already recognized him.

after this, atsushi is made aware of just how touchy the topic of dazai is for akutagawa:

this is in chapter 51, and right after this page atsushi thinks akutagawa will kill him over this transgression. akutagawa, in turn, reacts in a strangely calm manner, agreeing with the statement, to which atsushi is surprised. mind you, atsushi is not particularly averse to being direct and sometimes straight up mean with akutagawa, he often gets exasperated with akutagawa's philosophies and tells him straight up how pathetic he thinks he is. this is the only time he fears akutagawa's reaction like this. after this moment he definitely knows the gravity of dazai and akutagawa's relationship.

and, finally, the most damning moment, the one that provides context for all of this, happens in chapter 39:

here, akutagawa draws a direct parallel between dazai and the orphanage director. he also calls both 'master', not mentor or teacher, there's no mistake that the relationship with both is fundamentally unhealthy, there's no mistake that akutagawa knows exactly what kind of bond he's talking about.

so, yeah. akutagawa never *explicitly* talked about the fact that dazai was his abuser, but the text up until this point has laid out enough indication that atsushi understood the nature of the relationship as unhealthy. atsushi is not stupid, he's not surprised to see dazai's abuse, because this is not a revelation, but yet another piece of the puzzle that's been slowly fed to him.

Atsushi Kinnie Callout - From an Atsushi Kinnie (Part 1)

I'm gonna be brutally honest here and projecting a lot so be warned fellow kinnies

1. You were taught that the worth of your life is determined by how much you help or benefit others

An important figure in your life (the orphanage “headmaster”) taught you that people who don’t help others with their existence do not deserve to live, and it would be better if they were dead.

The irony is, you only extend this belief to yourself, because you recognize that in extending it to others, you would be believing some other people do not deserve to live. And you recognize how cruel, terrible and wrong that is. Yet, you cannot see how cruel and terrible it is to yourself.

2. You have a huge savior complex

Since you believe the value of your life comes from how much you benefit others, you try to help people as much as you can. To others, it seems like you are a kind and selfless person, but deep down, you have two things motivating you:

• the suffocating fear of being unworthy of living if you aren't of any use to people around you

• the rush of "selfish” joy you feel when you have a great impact on someone, when you are the most important person to someone and are irreplaceable to them. Because these make you feel useful and worthy of living.

Because of these, you have the tendency to form codependent relationships, with you as the "giver". It ensures that someone always needs you, so you are always worthy of living. You may even become slightly manipulative, befriending and trying to become close to those who seem more in need of help, more isolated, more lonely.

Because they're more likely to need you, as desperately as you need to be needed.

3. You believe your kindness is fake, and that you are actually a selfish and terrible person

Because you help people out of the selfish motivation to make yourself feel better, so that you feel like you deserve to live more, you feel endlessly guilty. Because.. an actually kind person would help others, for others to be happy, not for themselves, right?

Additionally, since the belief that helping others gives you the permission to live was taught to you, you feel your kindness was a taught behavior as well. You feel that at your core, you are a selfish person who was just taught not to be, and that makes all the selfless actions you’ve done worthless. Maybe you approach caring for others in a calculating way: memorize their interests, check up on them, listen to them; these will make people happy.

4. Guilt is your primary emotion

Guilt for your existence, for your mistakes, for failing to help people, is the biggest driver of your emotions. Guilt controls your life, and it is an exhausting emotion to live with.

5. You care more about what’s inside than outside

You’re not concerned about other people or your appearances, reputations or social status, because how people treat others around them and their hearts is much more important to you.

6. You are stuck in the past

The belief that chains you to the cycle of guilt is one in your past. The headmaster in your life is gone now, but the flashbacks and words remain. Why is that? Is it because you became so used to them, that they kept you safe? They were all you ever knew, the only way you knew how to navigate the world. With no other guide, you are terrified of letting go of this belief, which defines your existence.

Maybe you are terrified, if you let go of this belief, you will become a terrible and selfish person. Or maybe you are scared of becoming better, because it would feel like your past never happened.

Okay thanks for reading! Will post part 2 when this gets 20+ notes :D

In chapter 162 of Wan! Akutagawa gets a heatstroke and then Atsushi brings him to hospital and it is just the cutest thing ever

HE PIGGYBACKED AKUTAGAWA 😭

I love them sm, also Atsushi stayed at the hospital until Akutagawa woke up<3

Atsushi caring about Akutagawa is adorable

I love this, I’m projecting, but I imagine Atsushi knows he is ‘selfish’ at his core and feels even more guilty for it, and sees his selflessness and kindness as a fake act and savior complex.

OK correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like the main 'yin/yang' parallel with Atsushi and Akutagawa is not something like 'this one is bad but secretly has a good side and this one is good but secretly has a bad side'.

I feel like it's more about 'who they are at their core vs who they choose to be'.

At his core Akutagawa is kind and at his core Atsushi is not. But despite this Atsushi tries every day to make the kinder choices and I love him so much for it. He has to work so hard to be good.

He wants to be a bitch SO bad I know he does but he tries his best to help people and be nice (sometimes he fails but that's OK <3)

Atsushi doesn't always WANT to help people, a lot of the time he's selfish and scared, but he does help people anyway. He keeps helping people over and over again. There's still some selfish motivation to it, and his initial motivation for helping people was because the headmaster told him that's all he was worth, but overall he does care about the people he helps and it weighs on him if he fails to save them. And of course, as the series goes on he starts helping people more because he can rather than because he feels like he needs to.

In Akutagawa's case, he's still capable of being kind but his environment led him into being someone who chooses to hurt people. But he's always been a protector at heart. In the start he was bad compared to Atsushi because he was choosing to hurt people and keep the cycle of abuse going. Just like how Atsushi developed in why he saved people, Akutagawa starts to get redeemed when he chooses to not just act on his rage. Not only does he start to spare people, but he speaks more kindly to them (apologising to Higuchi and telling Kyouka he's proud of her). It all culminates into the moment he chooses to help Atsushi and sacrifice himself for him, going back to his core value of being a protector. Even when he's finally revived, he keeps this role in his new position as Aya's Knight.

I kind of see the streaks of white in Akutagawa and the streaks of black in Atsushi not as their 'hidden sides' but as their fundamental selfs. That's who they are at their core, and their main colours (black for Akutagawa and white for Atsushi) are how they're presented to everyone else and how they try to have people see them as.

Atsushi Analysis - why I kin Atsushi Nakajima (and maybe why you kin him too)

From the moment I started watching Bungo Stray Dogs, I felt a huge connection to and related a lot to Atsushi, and it’s the reason he is still one of my favorite characters to this day. But reading other people’s analysis of Atsushi, though they are wonderful, I didn’t feel like they quite captured how I connected to him. So I am posting this in the hope someone will feel similarly to me and be able to relate! :D

starting with episode 1, the first scene that struck me was Atsushi’s flashbacks:

I did not grow up in an orphanage, and my past is nowhere near as terrible as Atsushi’s, but a parental figure (the ‘headmaster’ in my life) had spoken to me like this in the past, and their words continued to haunt me almost everyday, or when something triggered them. What shook me was that Atsushi’s flashbacks were almost identical to the words that would attack me often in my head.

“You’re useless.”

“Worthless.”

“Stupid.”

“You should just die.” “It would be better if you were dead.” (If you relate to this, I’m sending you the biggest virtual hug <3 no one deserves to think these thoughts, and they are so wrong.)

2. The way Atsushi hugged his legs when he was upset was exactly how I sat when I was upset.

3. The test to join the Armed Detective Agency

To save everyone from the bomb, Atsushi covered it with his own body, thinking it would kill him but protect everyone else.

At the time I watched BSD for the first time, I genuinely believed my life was worth less than others’. Therefore, as a logical choice, I would have done exactly the same thing as Atsushi. If my life was worth less than others’, then I was the logical sacrifice.

4. The worth of Atsushi’s Life

in the episode when Atsushi fights Kyouka, we find out the belief that the headmaster instilled in Atsushi: that Inconveniencing/not benefitting others means he doesn’t deserve to live, while saving (or helping) others means he deserves to live.

Simply put, Atsushi believes the worth of his life comes from how much he helps and benefits others.

and that is exactly the same belief my parental figure taught me.

By trying to save/help others, Atsushi seeks the permission to live, to exist. Maybe, if he helps just one more person, if he has a big enough impact on someone, then he’ll finally be free of the guilt he feels for existing. But it is a never ending cycle, because there’s no finish line for his race. How many people, exactly, does he have to “save” for him to be worthy of existing? He lives in never ending guilt, never ending fear, that the amount he has helped is not enough for him to live. The truth is, the number of people he saves will never be enough until he confronts his twisted belief.

5. Atsushi vs Akutagawa

this is the moment Atsushi confronts the belief he was taught that how much he helps others determines his right to live. He realizes through the injustice of Kyouka’s situation that others don’t get to decide if someone is worthy of living. Because everyone is worthy of life, including Kyouka, and so including Atsushi as well.

And watching this, I realized it with him. The ‘headmaster’ in my life didn’t get to decide how much I deserved to live. No one did. Everyone has the same right to live.

so if you related to this post, you deserve to live too. Not because you help others, because your life is valuable and precious, without you doing anything at all. <3

have a photo of my Atsushi plushie cuz I love him sm <3 thanks for reading!