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Toji SMAU - When love was always there
Chapter 7 - Hit First, Ask Later
Summary: You see him again on your first day of college. Fuck. Toji Zenin has been the bane of your existence since your first day of kindergarten. Over the 15 years you’ve had the “pleasure” of knowing him, he’s made it his personal mission to make your life a living hell. From chopping off your hair in kindergarten to pushing you into a pond on your first day of high school, Toji has done it all. You’d always thought he would choose a college far away from you, but as it has always been, fate came to kick your ass. Hard.
warnings: cursing, sexual language, mentions of bullying
an: do we love it? things certainly are getting interesting….
{chapter 6} ; {next}
taglist: @jinxiewritings
The gym is practically empty when you step inside, save for one familiar figure leaning against the mats. Toji’s already there, gym bag at his feet, wrapped hands resting lazily over his broad chest. He looks up when you walk in, and the flat expression on his face makes it very clear he’s unimpressed.
“You’re late,” he says, his voice dry.
You glance at the clock. “I’m two minutes late.”
“Two minutes too long,” he shoots back, pushing off the mats. “What, couldn’t decide which outfit screams I’m useless the loudest?”
Your jaw drops. “Excuse me?”
Toji grins—a sharp, taunting curve of his lips. “What? I’m just making sure you’re ready for this. Doubt anyone’ll care what you look like when they’re tryna drag you into a van.”
“You are insufferable,” you mutter, dropping your bag onto the floor with a loud thud.
“And you’re two minutes into wasting my time,” he counters, motioning toward the center mat. “Start stretching, princess. I don’t wanna hear you whining when you pull something.”
Gritting your teeth, you sit down to stretch. Toji’s pacing in front of you, all broad strides and sharp glares, like he’s waiting for you to screw up already. “You’re hovering,” you say, annoyed.
“Making sure you don’t keel over mid-warmup.”
You shoot him a glare, but he just smirks and crouches down, watching you. Watching—as if he’s analyzing every movement. It’s both infuriating and unsettling.
“You done pretending you know what you’re doing?” he asks.
You straighten up, brushing your hair from your face. “I’m ready, coach.”
“Good,” Toji says, rising to his full height. “We’ll start with the basics—what to do if someone grabs you.” He steps forward, extending a hand. “I’ll grab your wrist. You try to get free.”
You eye him warily. “And if I can’t?”
“Then congratulations. You’d be kidnapped in five seconds flat.”
“Wow. Very motivating,” you deadpan.
He smirks. “Motivation’s for people who need hand-holding. You’re just here to survive.”
Before you can snap back, Toji grabs your wrist—firm, unyielding, but not enough to hurt. It’s a shock how easily his hand wraps around yours, like your bones could snap with just a flick of his fingers.
“Pull toward the thumb,” he instructs, voice curt. “Not the fingers. Thumb’s the weakest point.”
You yank experimentally, but his grip doesn’t budge. Toji doesn’t look the least bit phased. “You trying or just giving up already?”
“Give me a second!” you snap, tugging harder. You shift your weight and pull back the way he showed you, and to your surprise, his grip gives way.
Toji lets go, tilting his head with something that might be faint approval. “Huh. You’re not completely useless.”
“Oh my god, is that a compliment?”
“Don’t get used to it,” he says flatly, stepping back. “Again.”
You repeat the motion a few more times, each time smoother than the last. Toji keeps his commentary short, but it’s still sharp enough to grate on you.
“Quit overthinking. Your brain’s holding you back more than I am.”
“Don’t pull like you’re scared. You either get free or you don’t.”
“You call that fast? You’d be gone already.”
By the fifth time, you’re sweating and glaring daggers at him. “Do you have to be such a dick about this?”
Toji raises a brow, completely unfazed. “You want me to lie? Pat your head and tell you you’re doing great?”
“You could try not insulting me every five seconds,” you mutter under your breath.
“Where’s the fun in that?” he replies casually, and for the first time, you think you catch something almost playful in his voice.
He doesn’t give you a chance to respond before stepping behind you. “All right. New scenario. Someone grabs you from behind.”
You freeze. “Wait—from behind?”
“Yeah. Like this.”
Before you can react, his arm hooks loosely around your shoulders from behind. It’s not tight—he’s clearly not trying to hurt you—but the closeness throws you off balance. You stiffen, hyper-aware of how warm he feels and how close his voice is when he speaks.
“Relax,” he mutters. “You’re supposed to be learning, not freezing up.”
“Maybe I wouldn’t freeze if you warned me first,” you snap, trying to mask the nervous flutter in your stomach.
Toji huffs a low laugh. “Yeah, I’m sure kidnappers’ll give you a heads-up. Focus. Drop your weight, twist your hips, get out of my grip.”
You try to do what he says, but it’s clumsy—your weight’s off, and you can feel Toji roll his eyes behind you. “You’re not a statue. Move, dammit.”
“I’m trying!”
“Try harder.”
Frustrated, you shift your weight again, twist, and finally pull free, stumbling forward slightly. Toji watches you, arms crossed, expression unreadable. “Took you long enough,” he says, though his tone lacks real bite.
“That’s because you’re built like a damn brick wall,” you mutter, brushing yourself off.
Toji smirks faintly. “And whose fault is that? Yours for being weak, or mine for being me?”
You stare at him, incredulous. “You’re impossible.”
“And you’re predictable,” he fires back, turning to grab his water bottle. “Same time next week?”
You blink, surprised that he’s suggesting another session. “You want me to come back?”
Toji looks over his shoulder, a faint smirk on his lips. “You need it.”
“You’re the worst,” you mutter, though you can’t stop the small smile tugging at your mouth.
He shrugs. “Better me than someone who’ll actually hurt you.”
The words linger for a moment, heavier than his usual insults, and you’re not sure what to make of them. But before you can respond, Toji grabs his bag and heads for the door, tossing one last look at you over his shoulder.
“Try not to embarrass yourself next time.”
And just like that, he’s gone, leaving you standing alone on the mat, glaring after him—but this time, your frustration feels different. Because underneath it all, you know he’s right: you will be back next week.
And whether you admit it or not, a small part of you doesn’t mind.
guys u can’t trust ANYONE anymore bro i swear🙏 cough cough k, h, e, m!!!!
“Just remember. None of us have any idea what we’re doing either. No one chooses to exist. You just do. You’re gonna be okay.”
— Halsey
Credit: autumnslittlesister
Another List of "Beautiful" Words
to include in your next poem
Avidulous - somewhat greedy.
Breviloquent - marked by brevity of speech.
Compotation - a drinking or tippling together.
Crimpy - of weather; unpleasant; raw and cold.
Desiderium - an ardent desire or longing; especially, a feeling of loss or grief for something lost.
Dyspathy - lack of sympathy.
Ebriosity - habitual intoxication.
Epitasis - the part of a play developing the main action and leading to the catastrophe.
Fantod - a state of irritability and tension.
Graumangere - a great meal.
Grimoire - a magician's manual for invoking demons and the spirits of the dead.
Hiemal - of or relating to winter.
Illaudable - deserving no praise.
Impluvious - wet with rain.
Innominate - having no name; unnamed; also, “anonymous”.
Juberous - doubtful and hesitating.
Noctilucous - shining at night.
Poetaster - an inferior poet.
Psychrophilic - thriving at a relatively low temperature.
Quiddity - the essential nature or ultimate form of something: what makes something to be the type of thing that it is.
Repullulate - to bud or sprout again.
Retrogradation - a backward movement.
Semiustulate - half burnt or consumed by fire.
Tenebrific - causing gloom or darkness.
Unparadiz’d - brought from joy to miserie.
If any of these words make it into your next poem/story, please tag me. Or leave a link in the replies. I'd love to read them!
More: Lists of Beautiful Words ⚜ Word Lists
One More List of "Beautiful" Words
to include in your next poem/story
Beneficence - the quality or state or doing or producing good.
Calefaction - the state of being warmed.
Callosity - lack of feeling or capacity for emotion.
Cicatrizant - promoting the healing of a wound or the formation of a cicatrix.
Estivo-autumnal - relating to or occurring in the summer and autumn.
Evagation - a wandering of the mind.
Hamartia - a defect of character : error, guilt, or sin especially of the tragic hero in a literary work.
Imparadise - to make supremely happy, transport with delight or joy.
Impedimenta - things that impede or hinder progress or movement.
Inhesion - the condition of being inherent in something.
Jocoserious - mingling mirth and seriousness.
Lowery - gloomy, lowering.
Malobservation - erroneous observation or interpretation
Mordacious - biting or sharp in manner or style.
Natation - the action or art of swimming.
Pandiculation - a stretching and stiffening especially of the trunk and extremities (as when fatigued and drowsy or after waking from sleep).
Pestiferous - dangerous to society; pernicious.
Satisdiction - the condition of having said enough.
Ugsome - frightful, loathsome.
Unclubbable - having or showing a disinclination for social activity: unsociable.
If any of these words make their way into your next poem/story, please tag me, or leave a link in the replies. I would love to read them!
beautiful words list pt. 1
commonly confused words
accept: to receive except: with the exclusion of
advice: recommendation (noun) advise: to recommend (verb)
adverse: unfavorable averse: opposed to
affect: to influence (verb); emotional response (noun) effect: result (noun); to cause (verb)
aisle: space between rows isle: island
allude: to make indirect reference to elude: to avoid
allusion: indirect reference illusion: false idea, misleading appearance
already: by this time all ready: fully prepared
altar: sacred platform or place alter: to change
altogether: thoroughly all together: everyone/everything in one place
a lot: a quantity; many of something allot: to divide or portion out
angel: supernatural being, good person angle: shape made by joining two straight lines
are: plural form of "to be" our: plural form of "my"
accent: pronunciation common to a region ascent: the act of rising or climbing assent: consent, agreement
assistance: help assistants: helpers
bare: nude, unadorned bear: to carry; an animal
beside: close to; next to besides: except for; in addition
boar: a wild male pig bore: to drill a hole through
board: piece of wood bored: uninterested
born: brought into life borne: past participle of "to bear" (carry)
breath: air taken in (noun) breathe: to take in air (verb)
brake: device for stopping break: destroy; make into pieces
buy: to purchase by: next to; through the agency of
canvas: heavy cloth canvass: to take a survey; a survey
capital: major city capitol: government building
choose: to pick chose: past tense of "to choose"
clothes: garments close: to shut; near cloths: pieces of fabric
coarse: rough course: path; series of lectures
complement: something that completes compliment: praise, flattery
conscience: sense of morality conscious: awake, aware
corps: regulated group corpse: dead body
council: governing body counsel: advice; to give advice
dairy: place where milk products are processed diary: personal journal
descent: downward movement dissent: disagreement
dessert: final, sweet course in a meal desert: to abandon; dry, sandy area
device: a plan; a tool or utensil devise: to create
discreet: modest, prudent behavior discrete: a separate thing, distinct
do: a verb indicating performance or execution of a task dew: water droplets condensed from air due: as a result of
dominant: commanding, controlling dominate: to control
die: to lose life; one of a pair of dice dye: to change or add color
dyeing: changing or adding color dying: losing life
elicit: to draw out illicit: illegal, forbidden
eminent: prominent imminent: about to happen
envelop: to surround (verb) envelope: container for a letter (noun)
everyday: routine, commonplace, ordinary (adj.) every day: each day, succession (adj. + noun)
fair: just, honest; a carnival; light skinned fare: money for transportation; food
farther: at a greater (measurable) distance further: in greater (non-measurable) depth
formally: conventionally, with ceremony formerly: previously
forth: forward fourth: number four in a list
gorilla: animal in ape family guerrilla: soldier specializing in surprise attacks
hear: to sense sound by ear here: in this place
heard: past tense of "to hear" herd: group of animals
hoard: a hidden fund or supply, a cache horde: a large group or crowd, swarm
hole: opening whole: complete; an entire thing
human: relating to the species homo sapiens humane: compassionate
its: possessive form of "it" it's: contraction for "it is"
knew: past tense of "know" new: fresh, not yet old
know: to comprehend no: negative
later: after a time latter: second one of two things
lead: heavy metal substance; to guide led: past tense of "to lead"
lessen: to decrease lesson: something learned and/or taught
lightning: storm-related electricity lightening: making lighter
loose: unbound, not tightly fastened lose: to misplace
maybe: perhaps (adv.) may be: might be (verb)
meat: animal flesh meet: to encounter mete: to measure; to distribute
medal: a flat disk stamped with a design meddle: to interfere, intrude metal: a hard organic substance mettle: courage, spirit, energy
miner: a worker in a mine minor: underage person (noun); less important (adj.)
moral: distinguishing right from wrong; lesson of a fable or story morale: attitude or outlook usually of a group
passed: past tense of "to pass" past: at a previous time
patience: putting up with annoyances patients: people under medical care
peace: absence of war piece: part of a whole; musical arrangement
peak: point, pinnacle, maximum peek: to peer through or look furtively pique: fit of resentment, feeling of wounded vanity
pedal: the foot lever of a bicycle or car petal: a flower segment peddle: to sell
personal: intimate; owned by a person personnel: employees
plain: simple, unadorned plane: to shave wood; aircraft (noun)
precede: to come before proceed: to continue
presence: attendance; being at hand presents: gifts
principal: foremost (adj.); administrator of a school (noun) principle: moral conviction, basic truth
quiet: silent, calm quite: very
rain: water drops falling; to fall like rain reign: to rule rein: strap to control an animal (noun); to guide or control (verb)
raise: to lift up raze: to tear down
rational: having reason or understanding rationale: principles of opinion, beliefs
respectfully: with respect respectively: in that order
reverend: title given to clergy; deserving respect reverent: worshipful
right: correct; opposite of left rite: ritual or ceremony write: to put words on paper
road: path rode: past tense of "to ride"
scene: place of an action; segment of a play seen: viewed; past participle of "to see"
sense: perception, understanding since: measurement of past time; because
sight: scene, view, picture site: place, location cite: to document or quote (verb)
stationary: standing still stationery: writing paper
straight: unbending strait: narrow or confining; a waterway
taught: past tense of "to teach" taut: tight
than: used to introduce second element; compared to then: at that time; next
their: possessive form of "they" there: in that place they’re: contraction for "they are"
through: finished; into and out of threw: past tense of "to throw" thorough: complete
to: toward too: also; very (used to show emphasis) two: number following one
track: course, road tract: pamphlet; plot of ground
waist: midsection of the body waste: discarded material; to squander
waive: forgo, renounce wave: flutter, move back and forth
weak: not strong week: seven days
weather: climatic condition whether: if wether: a neutered male sheep
where: in which place were: past tense of "to be"
which: one of a group witch: female sorcerer
whose: possessive for "of who" who’s: contraction for "who is"
your: possessive for "of you" you’re: contraction for "you are" yore: time long past
commonly confused words part 2
other words to describe your characters instead of _____
"CONFUSED"
HIGH bewildered, baffled, perplexed, disoriented, stunned, amazed, astonished, flabbergasted MODERATE doubtful, puzzled, surprised, perplexed, befuddled, distracted, disorganized LOW misled, undecided, uncertain, lost, dazed, unsure, indecisive
"WEAK"
HIGH ashamed, exhausted, powerless, anemic, decrepit, frail, useless, depleted MODERATE vulnerable, inept, inadequate, worn out, helpless, spent, run down, sluggish, fragile LOW tired, weary, limp, soft, feeble, ineffective
"STRONG"
HIGH powerful, potent, fearless, forceful, mighty, emphatically, active, vigorous, unyielding MODERATE confident, tough, robust, brave, sound, daring, hardy, hefty LOW capable, adequate, firm, assured, steady, stable, solid
If these writing notes helped with your poem/story, please tag me. Or leave a link in the replies. I'd love to read them!
Another List of "Beautiful" Words
to include in your next poem
Avidulous - somewhat greedy.
Breviloquent - marked by brevity of speech.
Compotation - a drinking or tippling together.
Crimpy - of weather; unpleasant; raw and cold.
Desiderium - an ardent desire or longing; especially, a feeling of loss or grief for something lost.
Dyspathy - lack of sympathy.
Ebriosity - habitual intoxication.
Epitasis - the part of a play developing the main action and leading to the catastrophe.
Fantod - a state of irritability and tension.
Graumangere - a great meal.
Grimoire - a magician's manual for invoking demons and the spirits of the dead.
Hiemal - of or relating to winter.
Illaudable - deserving no praise.
Impluvious - wet with rain.
Innominate - having no name; unnamed; also, “anonymous”.
Juberous - doubtful and hesitating.
Noctilucous - shining at night.
Poetaster - an inferior poet.
Psychrophilic - thriving at a relatively low temperature.
Quiddity - the essential nature or ultimate form of something: what makes something to be the type of thing that it is.
Repullulate - to bud or sprout again.
Retrogradation - a backward movement.
Semiustulate - half burnt or consumed by fire.
Tenebrific - causing gloom or darkness.
Unparadiz’d - brought from joy to miserie.
If any of these words make it into your next poem/story, please tag me. Or leave a link in the replies. I'd love to read them!
beautiful words list pt. 2
Grief changes. Power reveals.
“Grief does not change you. It reveals you.”
— John Green
The day I turn the page, I'd reach the end.
“There comes a day when you realise turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realise there’s so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.”
— Zayn Malik
Wish them healing—after I'm done fucking them up.
“Never wish them pain. That’s not who you are. If they caused you pain they must have pain inside. Wish them healing.”
— Najwa Zebian
You get a piece! You get a piece! Everyone gets a piece of my heart.
Take your time. Take what was mine. See if it fits.
Looking to give away all of it. Not of any use to me anymore.
“Continue to share your heart with people even if it’s broken.”
— Amy Poehler
Heather O’Neill (thewalrus.ca/portrait-of-the-artist-as-a-young-corpse)
““The Carrier Bag Theory of Fiction,” an essay Le Guin wrote in 1986, disputes the idea that the spear was the earliest human tool, proposing that it was actually the receptacle. Questioning the spear’s phallic, murderous logic, instead Le Guin tells the story of the carrier bag, the sling, the shell, or the gourd. In this empty vessel, early humans could carry more than can be held in the hand and, therefore, gather food for later. Anyone who consistently forgets to bring their tote bag to the supermarket knows how significant this is. And besides, Le Guin writes, the idea that the spear came before the vessel doesn’t even make sense. “Sixty-five to eighty percent of what human beings ate in those regions in Paleolithic, Neolithic, and prehistoric times was gathered; only in the extreme Arctic was meat the staple food.” Not only is the carrier bag theory plausible, it also does meaningful ideological work — shifting the way we look at humanity’s foundations from a narrative of domination to one of gathering, holding, and sharing.”
—
Siobhan Leddy in The Outline. We should all be reading more Ursula Le Guin
Her novels imagine other worlds, but her theory of fiction can help us better live in this one.
There’s a link to a PDF of Le Guin’s essay here.
(via protoslacker)
“You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: it’s also the flinch. Your personality is not set in stone. You may think a morning coffee is the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it’s really just a habit. Thirty days without it, and you would be fine. You think you have a soul mate, but in fact you could have had any number of spouses. You would have evolved differently, but been just as happy. You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, who gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper than just preferences, and these details on the surface, you can change anytime you like. If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes, it’s the only way.”
— Julien Smith, The Flinch (via wnq-anonymous)
Again I quoted a poet - to avoid sounding like a preacher myself - who had written, ‘What you have experienced, no power on earth can take from you.’ Not only our experiences, but all we have done, whatever great thoughts we may have had, and all we have suffered, all this is not lost, though it is past; we have brought it into being. Having been is also a kind of being, and perhaps the surest kind.
Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
“The gaze, human or animal, is a powerful thing. When we look at something, we decide to fill our entire existence, however briefly, with that very thing. To fill your whole world with a person, if only for a few seconds, is a potent act. And it can be a dangerous one. Sometimes we are not seen enough, and other times we are seen too thoroughly, we can be exposed, seen through, even devoured. Hunters examine their prey obsessively in order to kill it. The line between desire and elimination, to me, can be so small. But that is who we are. There must be some beauty—and if not beauty, meaning—in that brutal power. I am still trying, and mostly failing, to find it.”
— Ocean Vuong, Survival as a Creative Force
the cruel prince, 2018
richard iii, 1593
frankenstein, 1818
I want to be famous, doing what? Everything! I will never be a poet, or a philosopher, or a scholar. I can only be a singer or painter. I want to be in vogue; that is the principal thing. Don’t shrug your shoulders, strict people, don’t criticize me with an affected indifference. You are just the same at the bottom. You are careful not to let it show. But that doesn’t keep you from finding, deep in yourselves, that I tell the truth. Vanity! Vanity! Vanity! The beginning and the end of everything, and the sole and eternal cause of everything. Whatever is not produced by vanity is born from our passions. Passions and vanity are the only masters of the world.
Marie Bashkirtseff, 5th April 1876 (via early20thcenturynerd)
“[W]hat does the sentence “If you eat this fruit you will die” mean for Eve who is in a place where there is no death?”
— Hélène Cixous, Readings: The Poetics of Blanchot, Joyce, Kakfa, Kleist, Lispector, and Tsvetayeva.
Hung on my bedroom wall is the quote attributed to Joan of Arc: “I am not afraid. I was born to do this.” However my life unfolds, goes my thinking, is how I am meant to live it; however my life unspools itself, I was created to bear it.
Esmé Weijun Wang, The Collected Schizophrenias (via fuckyeahannecarson)
Perfume began in Mesopotamia as incense offered to the gods to sweeten the smell of animal flesh burned as offerings, and it was used in exorcisms, to heal the sick, and after sexual intercourse. The word’s Latin etymology tells us how it worked: per = through + fumar to smoke. Tossed onto a fire, incense would fill the sky with a smoke otherworldly and magical, which stung the nostrils as if clamorous spirits were clawing their way into the body. Perfumed smoke began with the things of this earth but climbed quickly into the realm of the gods. Atop the famous ziggurat-shaped Tower of Babel, which stretched closer to the gods than mortals could reach, priests lit pyres of incense.
— Diane Ackerman, ‘Smell: An Offering to the Gods’ A Natural History of the Senses
“Maybe it was the smell of ripe tomatoes, or the oriole singing, or that certain slant of light on a yellow afternoon and the beans hanging thick around me. It just came to me in a wash of happiness that made me laugh out loud, startling the chickadees who were picking at the sunflowers, raining black and white hulls on the ground. I knew it with a certainty as warm and clear as the September sunshine. The land loves us back. She loves us with beans and tomatoes, with roasting ears and blackberries and birdsongs. By a shower of gifts and a heavy rain of lessons. She provides for us and teaches us to provide for ourselves. That’s what good mothers do.”
— Robin Wall Kimmerer, Braiding Sweetgrass
“The desire to be loved is the last illusion: give it up and you will be free.”
— Margaret Atwood, from A Sunday Drive (via wishbzne)
““The ancient Greeks believed that when you read aloud, it was actually the dead, borrowing your tongue, in order to speak again.””
— - A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki
