Chronic Fatigue - Blog Posts

I find it really funny to say that I'm a trans woman who has had multiple ultrasounds and an epidural and it will just confuse the hell out of some people. Like no I can't get pregnant, but believe me I'm definitely trying to.

I'm slowing coming to the realization that people truly only get their blood drawn maybe once a year. I got it done 6 times in November (they all had negative test results).

They told me the nurse was gonna come back in and discharge me. I waited an hour and ten minutes and they still didn't so I left. It's so frustrating I feel forgotten because I'm this young person who "can't be in that much pain".

So far just for my LUQ pain I've had

2 urgent visits

1 online visit

2 ER visits

1 primary visit

2 urine tests

2 Blood Draws

1 IV

2 X-Rays

1 CT scan

2 wrong diagnoses

1 antibiotic that didn't help

And they still don't know what it is. This has been going on for almost a month and it's exhausting. I'm in pain

The troubles of chronic pain/illness.

For 5 hours I was between urgent care and the hospital for side pain. I've had it for a week now.

I did X-rays and a CT scan.

They sent me home with nothing wrong with me.

I hate everything, I am still in fucking pain.

The Devil Wears Yellow

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5???

Chloe could not stand you. Over the past month that you had been attending the same school as her, she had grown a rather distinct hatred for you, stemming from the relationship blooming between you and Adrien. She noticed the sweet smile on your face every time you spoke to him, the way your fingers seemed to brush when he would lean over to your side of the desk. She could distinctly remember the way you elbowed him in the side for trying to copy your answers, his bashful laugh as he searched for an excuse of his copying. It was infuriating and unfair. Her thoughts were suddenly cut off as an unexpected voice called out to her. 

"Madame Chloe, the car is waiting for you," Chloe's butler, or as she called him 'Jean-whatever-your-name-is', alerted the girl from behind her bedroom door, his knuckles wrapping against it with a gentle knock. 

The blonde girl let out an obnoxious groan, yanking her yellow jacket on over the top of her black and white striped shirt. As overly dramatic as usual, she shoved the door open, ultimately pushing the poor man down and storming to the front of the hotel. She got in the white limousine and left for school.

~~~

The next day started the same as all the others. You struggled pulling yourself out of bed, showered in cold water despite how much it made your joints ached and then returned to getting dress. Today you wore a knee brace on your right knee, favouring your left more than usual. You were yet to notice the effect that the miraculous had on you outside of your hero persona. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge you didn't bother waking your parents to say goodbye. Reaching for your bag as you stood just in front of the front door, you took one look back into the house before you simply left, not giving the house a second look. You were starting to grow tired of the same routine. Waking up, leaving the house with no goodbye, going to school and then returning to a battle against an akuma that you weren't even allowed to fight yet. Part of you wanted to get your hands dirty, aching and yearning for the adrenaline that would rush through your system whenever there was a slight mention of a supposed akumatization. 

While the walk itself wasn't long, it felt as if it took an hour. You were tired from the nights work. Akuma's had become rare, and you were still yet to properly face one without just lending the occasional hand of whisking away surrounding citizens so they wouldn't get hurt. With each day that had passed you had easily memorised the walk to school, rarely needing your own mind to take you there when your legs already knew the way. Letting your feet guide you, your mind started to wander a bit.

The truce you made a few weeks back flashed through your mind. You hadn't really interacted with Chat Noir since then, but you were sure something had changed between the two of you. You recognised his small glances towards you, instead of being greeted with sharp eyes, they were more curious. Although he was still jealous of you, envious of the attention you received from Ladybug, you were proud to say that you no longer thought that the feline heroine hated you. Your last patrol together was the night before. He didn't speak much, but when he did, it didn't seem to come out as harsh as usual. He was a strange boy, that was for sure. 

Not realising that you'd already made it to your class, you almost walked into the door. Shaking your head, you pushed open the door and stepped inside. What you were yet to notice was the blonde girl standing next to the doorway, her foot sticking out just enough to make contact with your ankle. The connection sent you tumbling to the ground with little to no witnesses other than Sabrina. Your water bottle rolled across the hardwood floor. The blonde smirked down at you. She found an empty joy in watching you crumple to the floor, falling to pieces from such a simple manoeuvre. 

"Whoops!" she feigned shock, "Maybe you should watch where you're going next time, foreigner." The smirk on her face made you feel sick. For the first time in years, you felt humiliated. You didn't have the time to process the hurt that you felt, both physically and somewhat mentally. Putting on a brave face, you pulled yourself to your feet, favouring your left side to the point your leg buckled slightly under your weight. "Listen, I don't understand what I have done to you that makes you believe tripping me over is the answer," you began, "I'm sure there's a good person inside that heart of yours." 

Your words made her crystal eyes widen momentarily. They seemed to hit a vulnerable spot within her, but as soon as it came to her it disappeared. "You don't know what you're talking about. You are ridiculous!" She huffed, easily hiding the slight pang of guilt she felt under a snobby mask. Sabrina looked at you, her eyes were the window to her soul. Guilt was plastered on her face, leaking from her pores with every second she stood near you. Yet, the girl did nothing to defend or help you. She simply pulled her head down and held Chloe's books tighter to her chest. You never liked being forgiving, but you would have forgiven the two with a simple apology or explanation even if it wasn't to your standards. You rolled your eyes, moving from the door to place your bag next to your desk in its usual spot. Gaining no reaction from you, Chloe left without sparing a second glance, practically dragging Sabrina out by the wrist. 

You regretted coming to school so early. Tears threatened to fall as you finally let the weight of the situation fall upon your shoulders. You truly couldn't think of what you had done to Chloe. In fact, it wasn't until today that you had properly spoken before. Taking in one last shaking breath, you wiped your eyes with the sleeves of your sweater. There was no point in letting her words or actions get the better of you. If you were to be akumatized, who knows what would happen. Rolling your right ankle under the desk you bit down on your bottom lip. She didn't sprain your ankle, but it definitely left you with a jolt of pain when you moved. You hoped it would go away on its own, not needing the extra pain when your knee was already burning. 

The opening of the door pulled you from your thoughts. Quicky wiping your eyes, you scrambled to pull your textbook from your bag. Your hands shook from the previous interactions, almost making you drop the pencil you held.

Curious eyes stared down at you as the young man made his way to his seat. He sat down next to you, flashing his usual friendly smile. He spoke your name, and you finally looked up. Graced by the solemn look on your face, Adrien frowned. The two of you had grown rather closer over this last month, exchanging numbers and often riding home together. He knew to an extent the struggles you faced each day, but he had never seen you look so disappointed and dejected. 

"Are you alright?" 

The words hit you like a harsh wave, stinging as it crashed against your warm skin. Instead of answering, you simply sighed. Although the desire to understand the situation, to ultimately make you feel better, burnt deep within the core of his chest, Adrien hesitated. He nodded. "I understand. I'm here." His warm palm brushed against your shoulder once again, however instead of pulling away like you typically did, you leaned into it. 

The blonde boy's eyes widened, his breath hitching in his throat. He had never really had such a seamless interaction with the someone. The warmth of your shoulder spread throughout his palm, coursing through his veins as if it were his own blood, his lifeline. His reaction didn't go unnoticed to you, although you were much too busy sulking about the previous situation. A heavy distaste for the rich girl sat in the pit of your stomach. Not even Adrien could pull you out of that hatred.  

~~~

The day was over almost as soon as it begun. After your little interaction with Adrien earlier, he had promised to take you to the park after school. His simple excuse to his father, with the bribery of his bodyguard, was that fencing practice just so happened to be running late. It was the entire reason you were walking next to him, chortling at the jokingly snide comment he had made about the ladybug pin on your bag. You could only assume he was joking. 

"What? Do you really believe that Chat Noir is better?" You rose a brow, simply teasing the other. The look of pride that flashed through his eyes made your playful façade falter. You shook it off as nothing, the small upturn of his lips distracting you from your own scepticism. There was something about his little scoff that made your stomach flutter. It felt so familiar, yet at the same time so out of reach. You chalked it back to another time you had hung out, maybe you had heard him scoff that way when he drove you home? You shook your head and turned your attention towards the taller boy. 

He rolled his eyes slightly, a sight you didn't see often under the guise of his bodyguard. "Of course! He's so much cooler than Ladybug and Clementine," that made your eyes widen, "Plus, his cat puns are hilarious. I just don't get how you can't see that." The boy shrugged. Adrien had completely dissed your alter ego straight to your face. You kept your reaction hidden deep. Perhaps the next time Clementine had patrol, they might pay a visit to the blonde boy and teach him what true humour was. You nudged him with your elbow as you both walked along the cement path. You still limped from the earlier incident, but it luckily didn't hurt as much as it typically did. "Clementine is the coolest, thank you very much! And Ladybug can literally repair everything with some like, magical ass words. How is that not cool?" 

Adrien blushed, the tips of his ears flushing red as you nudged him. He wasn't entirely sure why he felt like this. He assumed it was because you were good friends. Yeah... that was the reason. 

~~~

Your debate lasted until you two found yourself in front of your home. It seemed cold, most likely due to your parents being in their own separate places. Ever since you began to manage your won diagnoses, they began to lay off of you a bit. What used to seem overbearing and protective had turned into minimal interactions and borderline neglect. 

Turning to face Adrien, you offered him a sweet smile. "Thank you... For today, I mean. This meant a lot." You weren't lying when you said that. The whole interaction with Chloe had left you rather down in the dumps and it seemed he was the only person to truly pull you out of it. He returned your sweet smile with a boyish grin of your own. The way you looked at him in that moment with nothing, but pure gratitude and care made his heart race dangerously fast. 

He shook his head quickly, golden locks flickering in front of his eyes before settling to frame his face. He was always picture perfect. "It's what friends are for." Those words stung, but once again you were dumbfounded as to why. Adrien held your bag out for you to grab, you couldn't remember when he had taken it, but you were grateful, nonetheless. Muttering another soft 'thank you', you let your fingers linger on his. The soft caress of his plush skin against you had your mouth running dry. Quickly pulling away, you finally spoke up.

"Call me when you get home." 

You left no room for an answer, gripping your bag so tight that your knuckles had shifted from their usual flushed colour to a pale white. The door shut and you retreated to your room. 

Adrien stood outside of your house; his mouth slightly open with unsaid words. That was uncharacteristically odd, but he simply assumed you didn't want your parents to meet him. He was understanding of the relationship you held with your parental figures, so he didn't plan on pressing anytime soon. Instead, he began his way home, the only though on his mind being the way your fingers left a lasting spark in his palm. 

Word Count: 2151

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@puppyminnnie

Understanding

Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4

It's been at least a month since you began fighting beside Ladybug and Chat Noir. You'd learnt that a certain cat themed heroine had grown a strong distaste for you, more so a distaste for the attention you received from Ladybug. The red and black heroine had been rather intrigued on how you received such a miraculous, let alone a second bunny miraculous. With the power of Bunnyx being so strong, it was no surprise that Ladybug was paying more attention to yourself than to her own partner. Your miraculous, powered by a sweet kwami that went by the name of Cece, held the ability of healing. While it was only temporary, lasting up until Ladybug used her 'miraculous Ladybug' to fix the damage created during battle, it became useful rather quickly. 

 It didn't matter much whether the boy liked you or hated you. All you truly cared about in that moment was the freedom your miraculous blessed you with, a world where the pain of everyday life evaporated into nothing. With the use of your miraculous came wonderful side effects, a temporary relief to the chronic pain within your knee and sudden bursts of energy that battled the chronic fatigue you felt due to the mental exhaustion of your own pain. However, it wasn't until recently that you'd felt the more painful side affects. Each time you used the miraculous, your body ached afterwards, exhaustion plaguing you.

You sat on the edge of a building; a cool breeze surrounded you as your feet swung over the side of the tiled roof. When Ladybug had requested for you to cover the patrol with Chat Noir that night you accepted with a grateful smile. Any chance to escape from the exhaustion and constant pain was a good one, whether it meant simply patrolling or actually saving the citizens of Paris. The soft jingle of a bell brought a smile to your face, the corners of your lips turning up in a content way. "Funny running into you here." You joked softly, just loud enough for the feline heroine to hear as you angled your face towards the setting sun. Hues of orange and salmon illuminated off the pale blues and browns of your suit, as if you were the sky they belonged in. 

You turned to face him, finally opening your eyes fast enough to catch the blonde boy leaning on his staff. While he had a slight smile on his face himself, there was still that look of envy within his eyes. He shrugged, not taking your words as a very friendly invitation. "Yeah, I guess so," He huffed through his nostrils, studying each movement you made as you stood up from your placement on the edge of the roof, "Ladybug's idea of patrolling with the new kid so you don't get into any trouble." 

Your eyes widened, almost taking his words as insult before simply shaking your head. Soft brown ears flopped into your eyes before framing your face as you made eye contact with him. Chat avoided your gaze. "You don't have to do this, Chat Noir," you began with a hum, "Ladybug needs us to get along, you know that, but you don't want to try." Your words were full of sincerity and comfort, emphasising the reason you were gifted with the second bunny miraculous. You always had what seemed to be a never-ending amount of empathy and compassion to give, perhaps leftovers from the overwhelming amount you received from your parents and close friends. 

He grumbled slightly at your words, understanding that you were right. He didn't want to try, he knew how this would end. Ladybug would forget him once again as she dealt with another new miraculous holder. Fiddling with his staff, he spoke up, "That's not true. I just-" He lied, grumbling again as he let out another frustrated huff. His hair fell in front of his eyes, another refusal to even look in your general direction. 

You shrugged. "It's okay if you don't like me, I never said we have to be friends. All I am saying is that maybe you should take the chance you have to work with me tonight," You looked up at him, taking note of the few inches taller he was, "We might have better chemistry than you believe." Standing a few steps apart you held out your hand for him to take. "A truce." You offered. He squinted at your hand before looking back up at you, studying the playful glint to in your eyes. "Fine, a truce... but just for tonight." He agreed, looking down at his own hand, holding your somewhat smaller one. He had never noticed just how frail they seemed to be. The blonde retracted his hand quickly, placing it by his side as he avoided your gaze once again. Something about those gentle eyes had his skin prickling. 

A small smirk flickered across your face as you watched the way his hand retracted back to his staff. You had expected it, much like anyone would with the way the young man avoided her like the plague. "Don't worry kitty, I don't bite." You teased in a playful manner, watching his eyes widen momentarily. You studied the stern look on his face, watching as his scowl slowly turned into that iconic feline grin of his. He leaned his hands on the top of his staff, his ears flopping with his head as he moved to rest it on top of his palms. "I can't promise the same." He stood up straight and began to walk backwards, letting his staff extend before using it as leverage to launch to the next rooftop.

You watched as he jumped from rooftop to rooftop, never looking back once to see if you followed. Sighing, you shook your head. He was a naïve boy, troubled even. While you understood the reasoning for his distaste, you found it somewhat childish, not recognising the true story behind his longing to be needed by Ladybug. In fact, you had no idea on who this boy could be, whether he was bound to end up in your life outside of the masks or if he would remain a mystery for the rest of your life. Either way, you would take life as it came at you, counting each day as a blessing considering the detrimental damage your body was receiving from itself. 

~~~

Two weeks had passed, and it was now just another Monday morning. You felt better than usual, your constant fatigue diminished from the restful sleep you obtained that night. With no recent akumas to deal with, you felt rather at peace with yourself and everyone else. To clarify, almost everyone else.  Chat Noir was still on your radar of people to be aware of, even if he was a hero. While you knew his intentions were just to become the main figure in Ladybug's attention, it bugged you that he wouldn't let you prove yourself. Constantly dismissed as the 'new girl' with 'zero experience in crime fighting' had your opinion of the feline heroine slowly turning negative.  

You found that your mind was often caught on Chat Noir as you continued to dress yourself for school, shaking them away each time they arrived. You slid the tan knee brace up your calf, letting it tightly embrace your right knee to hold it together just that little bit better. While your chronic fatigue had lessened with the help of Cece's magic, it was evident that the overexertion of the miraculous had your limbs feeling weaker after every de-transformation. Attempting not to worry your parents any more than they already were, and friends who were now across the other side of the world due to you moving, you kept your pain and weakness a complete secret. There would be signs, the way that your head was constantly resting against your desk, the clicking noises from each step you took and the actual use of pain management even when you were always so adamant that you could tough it out. 

It wasn't long until you finally made it to College Francoise Dupont. Most students assumed you were a part of an exchange program, when in reality there was simply better healthcare and accessible opportunities for you in Paris. Although you missed your home country and the friends you used to have, you were beginning to find this school becoming more like a home. However, the front steps of the school would never feel that  comforting. With each step you took, you heard and felt the rough click of your right knee. It was overwhelming enough that you didn't notice the soft hum of your name coming from behind you. 

A warm palm brushed over your shoulder, causing you to flinch out of fright. The blonde boy held his hands up, stopping just behind you, watching as you turned to look down at him. "It's just me, don't worry." Adrien spoke gently, looking worried by your reaction. He'd always been rather worried for his friends, and considering you were his newest of the bunch you were his main concern. 

You and Adrien had grown rather close since you started class with him. Bonding over your sheltered lives, although his was much more sheltered, it made you both feel less lonely than you usually would. He had even introduced you to a few of the other students in your class, such as the ones who made up the band 'Kitty Section'. You were still yet to see them play, but you were sure they would be wonderful. 

A sigh slipped past your lips before they turned up in a small smile. "Sorry, I was lost in my head." You were completely honest, although the wavering tone in your voice left some underlying feeling of exhaustion seeping through. Your morning had been doing so well before it came to battling these stairs. 

Adrien was an observant boy. He had watched you when you arrived most days, taking clear note of the way you struggled with those stairs. He extended his hand, offering his palm facing upward as a chance for you to gain that little bit of ease in leaning your weight on him. You were tentative and hesitant as you stared at his soft, yet strong palm. Help wasn't something you were used to, not without the words of, 'don't worry, this will get better'. While those words used to be a symbol of hope, they had slowly turned into the sour realisation that nothing was going to change for the better. At first you went to decline before glancing up at the soft expression on his face. Those emerald eyes stared up at you with nothing but concern and compassion. There was absolutely no pity behind them.

"Thank you," You flashed a gentle smile, placing your hand in his. You didn't accept help often, but when you did it was simply because you knew there was no point in suffering any longer. He pulled your arm across his shoulders, letting you bear your weight into him as you climbed to the stop of the steps together in silence. Your friendship was built off of the mutual respect you had for each other. The two of you were much more similar than you would ever choose to believe. 

Adrien held you close to his side, not minding the intimacy of the quiet moment as he helped you up the stairs. He wasn't one to typically be this quiet, but he knew you well enough by now to understand that you weren't necessarily up to talking when your body felt like it was eating away at its own muscle tissue. "You really need to take better care of yourself," the way he hummed your name made your knees feel the slightest bit weaker although you would never properly admit it. You could easily remove the connection of him being a model, however you could never deny that the sweet upturn of his lips made your stomach flutter. You believed it was nothing, taking it as a reaction to how he was naturally attractive compared to the average seventeen-year-old. Shaking away those silly thoughts your mind went back to his words. Your brows furrowed and you paused in your spot, coming to a standstill. "Excuse me?" You turned to face him, "I take care of myself plenty. This school is hardly accessible. Despite all the money it hoards for sports and the arts, there are no means to add elevators or ramps. There isn't even a disabled bathroom!" You couldn't help the frustrated ramble, taking offense from his innocent words. 

Immediately Adrien raised his hands in mock surrender, once again taking note of how his sheltered life had let him down once again. "I didn't mean it like that, I swear." He admitted, his emerald eyes revealing a sorry look as he brought his hands back to clutch the strap of his duffel bag. He cleared his throat under your stern gaze, "I just mean... You look tired. More than usual." His attempt at rescuing his words failed as he watched your frown deepen. He silently cursed, wanting to reach out for your hand as you began to walk away, shaking your head in frustration. Patience was a virtue, and sometimes you needed a reminder of it. However, that reminder didn't seem to be coming anytime soon as you forgot just how sheltered your friend had been up until the start of this year. With no friends and hardly any outside interactions unless it was with a private tutor or photographer, Adrien stood rather new to friendship. Yet, his willingness to learn was what set him apart from everyone else. He took note to attempt to discuss with his father the lack of accessibility within the school, hoping that maybe it would spark his attention. If he could gain the influence of his father on the principal, then he could relieve some of your everyday struggles. 

It was a quick walk to the classroom. Once you were inside you made your way towards a desk at the front. It was originally assigned to Nino, but after the teachers were informed of the damage within your limbs, they insisted that you were seated at the front no matter how much you objected to the suggestion. Your eyes flickered up at the sound of the door opening and closing behind someone. Multiple footsteps could be heard as students began to pile into their seats, the most noticeable being the blonde boy making his way to sit beside you and the bluenette and her brunette best friend that sat directly behind you. You flashed the two girls a friendly smile, while you weren't close you still cherished the small friendship you shared. 

You mumbled your good mornings to each other before finally turning your attention to Miss Bustier, one of the sweetest teachers you had ever had. There was never a moment where she wasn't willing to give her all for her students. Anyone could see just how much the woman loved her job and her students. Listening to the history lesson had your head aching. French wasn't your first language, and it took some time for you to process what people were saying.  So, instead of paying attention, you gently nudged the blonde boy beside you. His brows lifted and he turned to face you with a look of slight shock. "Yes?" he hummed quietly, trying to avoid being caught whispering during class. 

"Could I copy your notes later?" You asked, "Please." The tired look on your face was enough to convince him already. Not waiting for his answer, you simply rested your head against the cool wood of the desk. There was a note in your student file that stated you were to be left alone if you fell asleep. Your parents cared greatly for you, so there was no surprise that they were willing to advocate for your rest to become priority over your education. 

Adrien nodded, taking a glance at his own paper to see nothing but small notes of the lesson and scribbles of who the new heroine could be. They weren't necessarily new anymore. It had been just over a month since their first public appearance with the miraculous duo, yet he still couldn't wrap his mind around it. He'd worked with plenty of other people who had access to a miraculous such as Rena Rouge and Carapace, but their positions were always temporary. However, Clementine wasn't temporary. Ladybug never gifted them their miraculous. He groaned at the thought and scribbled out his words, turning his focus back to the lesson. 

What neither of them noticed was the two girls glaring at you. Their eyes pierced holes through your back as you rested. While the bluenette was simply jealous, wishing she could talk to Adrien in the same carefree way that you could, the blonde sitting across the room was fuming. In her mind, this was some act to steal her childhood friend from her. She sat their silently, scrolling through her phone to devise a plan of revenge upon you. 

Word Count - 2865

Origin || Part 2

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3

The little black box that rested in your palm left you intrigued. Tracing the intricate carvings of gold-stained wood your mind wandered to how it ended up on the floor in the first place. You didn't notice the old man dropping it earlier, yet he was your only suspect. Maybe it would have that old man's number engraved on it? You couldn't be completely sure until you opened it.

Shaking those thoughts away you mustered the courage to open it, as much as you wished to return it to its rightful owner, something else was selfishly drawing you closer. A soft white glow emitted from the case as a gold necklace with what seemed to be an angelate pendant rested on a cream cushion. What you were yet to notice was the small creature floating right behind the open box. Your fingers caressed the gem, it had always been one of your favourites due to the gentle shimmer it held compared to the harsh contrast of an opal or chrysocolla. You had a vast knowledge in gemstones.

Your eyes flickered upward at movement, only to widen. You gasped and took a step back. You didn't scream or speak as the floating blue and tan bunny stared you in the eyes. With a sweet smile they opened their mouth to speak. "Good afternoon! I'm Cece." The creature flew close to your cheek, almost expecting a warm welcome despite your shocked expression.

"What the fuck— I have to be high." You muttered, placing the opened box down and immediately rubbing your eyes. You did take your medication earlier, but hallucinations weren't a side effect that you were aware of.

"Oh, dear! You aren't high, or I hope you aren't... Miraculous owners are supposed to be well behaved." The bunny spoke once again, taking that small floating hop backwards to regain some space between you. Your eyes widened once again. Miraculous... You'd heard that word before watching a live video of Ladybug and Chat Noir. They referred to their jewellery as Miraculous', but there was no way that was what this necklace was. No. It had to be a prop, a stupid prank even from a random Parisian who just wanted to cause trouble to the foreigner. "Are you alright?" The petite voice spoke up once again, its large eyes staring curiously into your own, yet you couldn't bring yourself to speak.

Finally gathering the courage to make your presence one of relevance, you nodded. "I am... okay. You said 'miraculous holder'... Right?" Your voice was hesitant, nervous even as you swallowed down the nausea and word vomit that the anxiety of the situation pushed upon you. As the creature went to speak again, you interrupted them, earning a small frown. "Because I can't be a miraculous holder. I can barely walk up the stairs on a good day and on a bad day I'm bedridden. I can't save anyone if I can't save myself—" Your words were full of sincerity and truth, showcasing your true worry to complete a job that you weren't even sure was meant to be for you. It had to be some form of mistake. Your face, full of worry simply expressed your concern for everyone else, a prominent frown on your face while your hands gestured while you spoke.

"Calm down," the small being smiled, a soft paw caressing your shoulder, "You were chosen not for your physical ability but your use of sympathy and empathy for others. If you choose to be the holder of the bunny miraculous, all you have to say is 'Cece, let's bounce'."  Cece understood the weight of the decision; it was one she had witnessed over the course of thousands of years. Each one of her holders had their own select difficulties that held them back from accepting at first, but each one always found their way back.

You swallowed hard, the decision weighing on your shoulders. "I don't know. How is this real?" You muttered rhetorically before turning to sit at your desk, spinning so you were facing away from Cece. The idea of becoming a hero was fascinating and thrilling, but what would happen if you couldn't save someone in time because of your own inability to do things? Dwelling on the thought for a few moments, you took your time before turning back to Cece. Maybe this would be worth it, give you a reason to look forward to the day rather than see it as a hindrance. Cece's ears flopped against her face as she tilted her head. A gentle smile flashed across her small face as she watched you turn around. "You are the chosen one, brace it." The way she spoke your name made you smile, filling you with a comfort and the assurance that you certainly needed in that moment. She trusted you and hoped that you would do the same.

Letting out a shaky breath and offering a small nod. You stood up and reached to the small stool that you'd left the miraculous box on, carefully pulling the gold necklace from its resting place before placing it around your neck. It was lightweight and simple, matching your own style yet bringing more personality. "Cece, let's bounce," you flashed a small smile towards the creature, watching with slight fright as it was absorbed into the necklace. Five swirls surrounding a white dot appeared on the centre of the necklace, indicating the amount of time you would have before turning back after using your special ability.

Blue and tan wrapped enveloped your body, a suit that was adorned in white swirls and golden accents appeared against your warm skin. Your hands moved across your eyes as a blue and gold mask concealing your identity spread across your face before a small staff-like object fell into your gloved hands. You recognised it to be similar to Chat Noir's staff, one that you'd only seen in videos but paid close enough attention to recognise the few buttons that made the staff extend. However, your staff didn't extend as much as his. When you pressed the button, it extended to double its length, with a curved blade on one side. The other came to a sharp point, decorated with angelate jewels and iridescent swirls, it was both beautiful and dangerous.

Looking in the mirror you were amazed at the way the suit morphed to fit your body. You no longer looked like the weak little kid your parents envisioned you as. Your hair was pulled into two low buns, your natural colour being hidden through baby blue and white highlights that matched the pale rabbit ears pinned into your hair. It was an odd sensation at first, watching as they flopped each time you moved your head from side to side, but eventually it became rather fun.  An immense pressure had been lifted off your shoulders, the weight of your suit feeling non-existent compared to the overwhelming empowerment it gave you. 

No longer feeling like a little kid, overwhelmed by pain and exhaustion 24/7, you decided it was time to explore. You had arrived in Paris almost over a month ago and you were still yet to truly discover the extent that the city had to offer you. You'd always wanted to try Andre's ice cream, so perhaps that would be your plan for this afternoon, not necessarily taking the moment to realise that you may look like an akumatised villan stalking around in your costume.

~~~

Launching yourself from roof to roof with the assistance of your staff, you relished in the light feeling of your body. Nothing hurt anymore. In some ways this unexpected opportunity was becoming much more appealing than your everyday suffering. Landing on a tiled roof, you momentarily close your eyes. The sun provided you with it's warmth, reflecting off the white swirls that decorated your suit and illuminating you in golden light. There was something so oddly satisfying about witnessing the glow of those white swirls.

Your ears twitched, standing up straight as the heavy thump of multiple footsteps fell behind you. There was no moment to react as leather clad hands grabbed you, pushing you down against the concrete tiles. You hissed in pain, hearing your own attacker grunt as you both landed uncomfortably. You went to speak, only to be immediately cut off by a vaguely familiar voice.

"Who are you?"

It was stern and commanding, lacking the usual humanity it held towards regular civilians. You recognised it to be the voice of the leather clad heroine, Chat Noir. Your wide eyes studied his face, your lips not moving to answer as you attempted to analyse the harsh expression the young man held. Eventually you spoke up, his rough hands shoving your shoulders slightly deeper into the concrete. You flinched, this was going to bruise later. "I am the holder of the bunny Miraculous." You spoke, trying your hardest to keep a brave face, "I understand that seeing a new face might make you antsy."

Perhaps your choice of wording wasn't the best, feeling the claws of Chat Noir's suit digging into your shoulders. You expected him to puncture the baby blue fabric of your suit, but a certain red and black yo-yo pulled him back. The bug themed hero placed her hand on his shoulder, their conversation falling on deaf ears. All you noticed was the disappointed tone of her voice and the apologetic glance Ladybug offered you. Slowly sitting up, you rubbed your right shoulder.

In the blink of an eye, the young woman was walking towards you. Each move of hers was decisive and cautious of you. "I was told that you would be joining us soon." The hero flashed a friendly smile at you, "But I suppose my dear friend here didn't quite catch that message, did you, Chat?" Ladybug glared at him, watching as the corner of his lips turned downward. You noticed the way he took her words and felt your own frown forming.

She held a hand out to you and you cautiously took it. While you trusted Ladybug, that interaction with Chat Noir had left you a little bit on edge.

"What's your name?" Your thoughts were interrupted as the bluenette held her hand out for you to take. You smiled slowly and carefully placed your own gloved hand in hers, letting her help you up as her feline friend stood there with his arms crossed. He held a defence position, the scowl on his face never leaving.

"Thank you." You smiled with gratitude, watching as she returned it. Thinking on her question, you simply shrugged. "I don't know yet. I'm still trying to decide." You hummed nonchalantly. It was as if Chat Noir's horrid introduction didn't bother you anymore, although on the inside you felt horribly shaken up by the whole ordeal. You wouldn't want them to think that you might have been weak, or an accessory to Shadow Moth's master plans. This newfound ability to express your feelings more clearly through words made you feel somewhat calmer after the feline hero's attack. 

Chat Noir stood a step behind Ladybug, his arms crossed over his chest. He didn't trust you. Something had to be off, surely Ladybug would have told him there was a new hero being thrown into the mix. He scowled at the thought and his frown deepened as he watched the friendly interactions play out before him. This wasn't fair. None of this was fair. His brows furrowed and he shook his head. He shouldn't be thinking like this, there was no point in dwelling on the moment just in case he was to fall victim to an akuma. The blonde boy noticed your hand brushing against the young woman's shoulder, watching intensely as you steadied yourself once again. Little did he know, this was the first time you had properly distributed your weight across both legs. And God, did it feel perfect.  

He was yet to notice the way you turned to face him, eyes running from his leather ears to those emerald eyes of his. Offering a friendly smile and a hand, you spoke once again. "Maybe we can start over," you began, "I wouldn't want to get off on the wrong foot with you, Chat." You hummed. He tensed and inhaled sharply; his eyes flickered from your smile to your hand. "Whatever..." He finally exhaled with a huff, lazily pulling his arms down and finally shaking your hand. He pulled your arm, forcing you to lean in close as he began to whisper into your ear. "This doesn't mean we're friends. Got it?" he hissed. Your shoulders tensed. 

"I understand..." 

Word Count - 2111

Origin || Part 1

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3?

Morning light crept through the circular window that led to your empty balcony. Still struggling to get used to the drastic time difference, you covered your face with the duvet, sinking in the warmth that your bed offered. It wasn't until your alarm went off that you finally pried yourself from the comfortable mattress. 

The heat of the morning sunlight kept your joints warm as you began to get ready, undressing from your pyjamas only to pull on some comfier but more respectable clothes. Your outfits usually consisted of some shorts and a baggy t-shirt, but on this day, you settled for some jeans and a sweater. You had recognised easily that Paris would most likely never be as warm as your home country, so the outfit was deemed wearable, while a comfy shirt was still placed inside of your bag as a backup. It rested in the front pocket of your school bag alongside your pain medication, which you were probably due to take soon, and the few other hygiene accessories that you wouldn't dare to leave the house without unless it was a true emergency. 

"Hurry up or you will be late!" A stern, yet loving voice called. A smile that was beginning to turn down evident on your face as you finally made your way down the stairs. It took some energy, but you felt good.

Today would be good.

"Sorry, dad." You shrugged slightly, "I'm going to walk to walk to school today. I'll be extra careful, I promise." You smile and take an apple from the bowl resting on the kitchen bench, gently punching the older man's shoulder before walking towards the door, bag on your back. You noticed the way he frowned, going to speak but not saying anything. It wasn't unusual for him to be so quiet; you'd grown accustomed to it after quite some time of living with him. Your father was silenced by his own worry and concern for you. He waved as you stepped out of the front door, yet you never noticed it.

Taking your first steps out of the house, you couldn't help but breathe in the somewhat fresh air that the streets of Paris gifted you with. While it wasn't something you were used to, the scent of a sweet pastry was certainly something you enjoyed. Living close by to a two-story bakery was certainly going to burn a hole in your pocket, but who could deny themself a sweet little treat every once in a while? 

Taking enough time to distract yourself with your thoughts, you finally made it to the street across from your school. It wasn't too often anymore where you found yourself not distracted by your own thoughts. Toady was no different than any other, until you heard a small commotion just in front of you. The traffic was bustling along. The sounds of honking and tires screeching pulling your attention to the situation. An old man was struggling to cross the road, overwhelmed by the amount of people honking at him despite how it could be seen as a reasonable reaction to any bystander. Without thinking your legs began to move, pulling you towards the situation with no hesitation. "Sir!" you called out, glancing across the road to make sure no cars were coming in your direction in the moment. When you had a free chance, you bolted towards the older man, placing your hand on his back and quickly pulling him out of the way of any oncoming traffic. Of course, that wasn't the end of it as you crouched down the slightest bit to reach his slouched height. He was shaking, although appreciative as he clasped your cold hands in his warm ones. 

"Thank you so much, young one," The man spoke, bowing his head over and over again in gratitude. Gently taking your hands away from his and softly placing them on his shoulders, you shook your head. "No, don't thank me. I was doing what any humane person would, sir." Your words of pure genuine and empathetic smile seemed to strike a chord with the man. 

"You are a wonderful being," He hummed, flashing a small smile before simply turning, "I hope one day we will meet again in less dire circumstances." You stood dumbfounded as the man began to walk away. How could he act so calm after seeming so overwhelmed by such a drastic scene. He could have been hit by a car and yet here he was walking away from you, the only thing left in his place being a black box with intricate gold carvings. You leant down and picked up the box, it was small, much like a box holding a piece of jewellery. You figured it might be important to the man, however before you could finally call out to him, he was gone. Once again he had left you staring after him dumbfounded. After examining the box in your hands, you decided to place it within the front pocket of your bag in hopes that you might see the man again just as he said.  

With that interaction playing over in the back of your mind, you quickly walked up the steps of the school. Although you transferred to College Françoise Dupont due to the advertised accessibility and financial support that it provided students with disabilities alongside chronic illnesses, you were beginning to notice just how many stairs were truly in this place. You frowned. 

No one necessarily paid much attention to you, even as you struggled to climb the multiple levels of stairs within the large foyer. After climbing up the front steps, you groaned at the thought of climbing up the second set of large stairs that led to the upper level of the school. While it wasn't as long, it was steep, and after your almost run in with oncoming traffic, you were already feeling rather exhausted. You figured it was just a horrid perk of your own chronic illness.

At the age of thirteen you faced symptoms of constant exhaustion, shakiness and burning pain within your joints. After an incident when moving houses, the pain began to focus more within your knees and lower back, a mishap from carrying a box that was too heavy for your young stature. There was no true name for what occurred to you, doctors were confused or chose not to believe you and many close people began to pity you. At first you enjoyed the attention, but now you were happy to simply be left alone.

Now at the ripe age of seventeen you could hardly pull yourself from bed without dousing yourself in icy-hot and Panadol. You always managed, trying your best to come across as a normal teenager, no matter how sore or exhausted you truly were. You began to think of it as your own little secret, wanting to hide it from your new classmates to lessen the pity you faced.

When you finally reached the top of the stairs, you sighed in relief. Both glad that it was finally over, and happy that you remembered your knee brace you closed your eyes momentarily, not expecting a certain bluenette to run straight into you on her way to class.

You landed on your butt, wincing quietly at the harsh landing. You peeled your eyes opened to see a girl who looked around your age, frantic as she crouched next to you.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so so so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was going and—" her words were rushed and the flush on her face made you feel almost sorry for the girl. Gently pushing her outstretched palm away, you shook your head. "Don't sweat it. You're good." You smiled sweetly, taking a moment to collect your bag before getting back up on your feet.

The poor girl looked guilty, taking in your appearance to make sure she hadn't caused too much damage, which it was lucky that she didn't. You cringed slightly as you leaned on your left leg, swapping weight between your legs every so often to balance out the sharp sting in them. She seemed to notice, but didn't mention it.

"You're new here, right? I don't think I've ever seen you before. Do you have your timetable?" She asked, her eyes widening momentarily behind her blue bangs. "I completely forgot to introduce myself— I'm Marinette, what's your name?" Marinette asked, sheepishly pulling her hand back and rubbing her arm when she realized you weren't going to shake her hand.

You laughed and mentioned your name with that gentle smile of yours. Pulling out your phone, you logged into your electronic timetable. "I'm in P7?" You spoke, "Do you think you could show me around a bit?"

You swore her smile grew twice it's size as she linked her arm with yours. "That's my class actually! I'll take you there, I'm sure Alya wouldn't mind swapping seats if you'd like to sit next to me?" Her offer was sweet, but you already had an assigned seat. It was simply due to the amount of distinguishable akuma attacks. It was hard for you to run, so the teachers and your parents deemed it safer for you to sit in the front left of the classroom in case there was ever a need to escape.

"No, it's okay. I already know my seat." You smiled, using your linked arms as a way to steady yourself as you both walked towards your classroom. Unlike your hometown, they shared the same classroom for each of their respective classes, with the teachers moving to them instead of the students. It made things much easier for you and was also one of the high selling points for your enrolment.

You swore you saw Marinette's smile grow dim at your words before lighting back up as if nothing happened. She shrugged it off and led you to the classroom, often smiling at any friends she passed. It was clear to you that she was an outgoing and kid young woman, one that you would be grateful to call your friend if you could get to that point, but for now she would be your acquaintance and school guide.

You spoke the whole time you walked to class, learning that Marinette's parents were the owners of that bakery you could smell on the way to school and that she was an aspiring fashion designer. You also learnt that if her head wasn't stuck to her shoulders, she would have easily lost it by now.

"So, what about you? What's so good about Paris that you moved here?" The girl asked, her blue bell eyes looking at you with a curious spark. You simply shrugged in response and flashed a nonchalant smile. "My parents have better jobs here than in our home country, and this school gives me better opportunities." You explained, although it wasn't entirely true it was still close enough to the truth that you didn't feel bad about your little white lies.

Marinette nodded at your words and opened the door for you. The class was practically full already. It surprise you how many teenagers were actually eager to come to school. It certainly wasn't like this at home.

The teacher, who you'd met with much earlier when you were discussing going to the school with your parents, offered a sweet smile and gestured to your designated seat. You regretted walking in, multiple eyes staring you down. You were fresh meat after all.

Exhaling, you walked to your seat at the front, a blonde boy with emerald eyes sat just next to you. He seemed somewhat disappointed to see you, as if someone else had previously sat here. He shook his head and flashed a friendly smile.

"Hi."

You registered the word rather slowly, a little distracted by those mysterious eyes. He was hiding something. You didn't bother questioning and returned the smile. "Hi."

His cheeks flushed but he said nothing more as the lesson began, turning his attention to your history and English teacher. Your brows furrowed but you couldn't help the silly smile that forced it's way upon your face. Something about that boy made you feel warm, although you suspected that it was just the friendly introduction that caused it.

~~~

The end of the day came by faster than expected. You'd exchanged numbers with Marinette and her best friend Alya, you had also learnt that the boy sitting next to you was Adrien. It wasn't hard for you to decipher that Marinette had a rather hefty crush on the blonde boy, but you paid no mind to it. It wasn't like you to crush on anyone anyway, so there was nothing to truly worry about.

You walked down the front steps of the school with them, waving goodbye and smiling. "Call us later!" Marinette called out as she waved goodbye, almost running into a poll as she walked backwards. Embarrassed, she quickly turned around, head in her palms as Alya poked fun at her.

"Will do." You spoke, knowing neither would hear you as you laughed quietly to yourself. What an odd pair. You found them endearing, no matter how silly they were.

A soft voice called your name, causing your brows to furrow deeply. "Hi—" you turned around to see the blonde boy speaking to you, "Do you need a ride home?" He asked with a kind smile.

Your eyes widened momentarily and a smile graced your face. "Hi. That would be nice. Are you sure? I've heard your quiet the busy guy." You teased, winking at him playfully. He looked shocked before letting out a small laugh.

Adrien was still getting used to the idea of friends, considering his father was a control freak over where and who he hung out with. "Ha, ha. Very funny." He playfully rolled his eyes, "I'm sure I could clear my schedule for the next ten minutes. Come on." He gestured for you to follow him towards the black limousine that had pulled up at the front of the school.

You couldn't deny such an offer, following along behind him. He opened the door for you, flashing a charming grin that made your heart lurch into your throat. It was your turn to roll your eyes as you stepped into the vehicle, thanking the driver and his bodyguard for taking you home. They didn't speak, but you hoped your gratitude came through to them.

The drive was silent other than Adrien exchanging numbers with you, sheepishly claiming it was in case you ever needed a ride home again. You suspected it was something else, but you never pushed for an answer, politely smiling and putting his name in your phone as 'Adrien 💚'.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Adrien." You smiled as you stepped out of the car, reaching for your bag that was on the floor. He nodded in response and waved, "See you tomorrow."

Adrien sunk into his seat after you left, looking down at his phone with a small smile. Something about you just drew him in, he wasn't sure what it was, but it felt important.

~~~

When the boy arrived at his house, his father nowhere to be seen, he decided to go straight to his room. Although he quite literally lived in a lavish mansion, there wasn't actually much for Adrien to do. So, he pulled his bag off of his shoulders and placed it next to the bed, paying no attention to the feline kwami who was ever so desperately trying to search for cheese in his shallow pocket. Finally falling back into his pocket, once again ignoring the cry of anguish that his kwami let out, Adrien sighed. 

"Plagg..." He started, "Nevermind." 

Plagg looked confused before simply flying off in search of more cheese. 

Adrien reached for his phone within his pocket, unlocking it with the simple press of his thumb and smiling as it opened to the contacts page. Your name stood at the very top under favourites. While your name was plain on his screen, the picture was one that he'd captured of you staring out the window, simple and perfect.

Plagg flew over once again. "Woah, I thought you were in love with Ladybug!" He exclaimed, staring into the blonde's phone to see your picture. Adrien locked his phone almost immediately, his eyes widened. "I am!" He stammered momentarily, "They're just a friend." He hummed, placing his phone screen down on the blanket.

Word count: 2749

Spoon theory is great, I'm glad it was created <3333

Please reblog if you can so I can get a larger sample size

Feel free to put any clarifications in the tags (I’d be very grateful) <3

A loving reminder that if you are so disabled that you cannot work, and especially if you are getting some kind of government assistance because you cannot work, and especially if you feel guilty because other disabled people have to work: You are not lazy. You DO deserve to indulge in things that bring you joy.

You are a government employee and your Full Time Job is to keep yourself at a minimum baseline of Alive and Not Miserable.

Your job is to watch videos that entertain and engage you.

Your job is to play video games so you can keep some kind of joy in your life.

Your job is to rest as much as you physically can to conserve energy.

Your job is to cook for yourself and take joy in it if you find it joyful, even if that's the only thing you can manage in a day.

Your job is to make yourself as comfortable and stress-free as you can, even if that means bed-rotting.

It is what you get paid to do. Because being disabled IS a full time job. And it's hard work.

Be kind to yourself.

Man, I really have to call my doctors again about Post-Exertional Malaise. Months ago we started the process cause I was trying to fight them that I might have CFS. Ruled out diabetes, found out I have severe sleep apnea. Cool. Treating that for the past 4 months. It's only supposed to take ~3weeks to start feeling a difference. Got a kick of energy a few days in and that gave me a new, slightly better baseline which I'm super grateful for, but nothing since then.

I should not be this tired. I spent 3h doing groceries on Tuesday. Then 7 hours at a little 1-day seminar l thing on Thursday. I spent less than 1 hour today throwing together a roast to set it in the oven and forget it while I went back to sleep. I have slept 60 hours in the last 130. I'm still exhausted. Within the next 2 hours, I will be going back to sleep again. Don't even have enough energy to play games on my laptop cause the set up and teardown is too much energy.

I can't tell if I'm gaslighting myself into thinking I'm less sick or more sick. But surely SOMETHING is wrong. It's driving me crazy

anyone else ever wish they could lie down harder? Like, I'm already horizontal, but I need more horizontal. I need to be absorbed by the floor. I think that would fix me

Sometimes it feels like i am already dead. Not part of anyones life anymore. Locked up in my flat. Just a liability for my parents who dont even like me. Like a ghost who is damned to haunt this room, but still has pain and wifi.

went to my general practitioner and suddenly got diagnosed with post covid and cfs. after he had not taken my symptoms seriously in the past. after years of medical gaslighting. i mean i still think its mecfs but thats probably as close as it gets. which is so much better than nothing. nevertheless i don't really seem to feel much about it even after i've recovered for over a week from this draining excursion. just endless exhaustion

How do people keep replying when friends ask how are you? I hate being so negative but often it's my reality like I couldn't do a lot of things today but I'm trying and nothing has changed!! I don't want to push them away by being the one who's always sick

hi, i want to share stuff about my life with chronic migraine and other health struggles. i'm still in the process of getting diagnosed for the latter, but strongly suspect that it's mecfs. a few weeks ago my condition got worse and i feel very isolated so here i am.

i- this needs to be shared, no matter if you need it or not.

Dudes healthcare is so fake. My ADHD meds are $940 without insurance. But they gave me a website of "coupons" which straight up looks like a scam website, and I got it today for $60! Just a coupon from a random website and it was $900 cheaper. America, I am confusion!! America explain!!

chronic pain and final exams at the same time isn't fun

would love to make friends with some other chronically ill people!

some stuff about me:

i'm 19 and diagnosed with dysautonomia. i also got some chronic back pain and other stuff i'm trying to get checked out

feel free to message me if you aren't some creep :)

why is chronic illness so difficult to understand for healthy people?

like "yes, i am ill everyday"

"no, i will not be getting better soon"

me: "i'm so fatigued and my brain fog is pretty bad"

healthy person: "stop complaining, i'm tired too"

your "tired" is not the same as my fatigued! sleep won't cure me, this is not how it works!

my back pain is so bad today idk how i'm supposed to do things or even sleep!

i'm already doing physio therapy so idk what else to do about it at this point

really tired but making sure to stay awake until the point of exhaustion so i hopefully actually fall asleep

recovering from a simple cold really takes incredibly long when you have a chronic illness...

like please i wanna be able to do at least some things again

any tips for what helps with insomnia?

having insomnia when having a chronic illness sucks!

my chronic illness flares up cause i don't get enough sleep, but i don't get enough sleep cause of my chronic illness

"omg do you have a hangover?"

nope, just a chronic illness

had to cancel so many plans with my friends recently...

do they seem mad? -nope

did they say that they are mad? -nope

do i still think that they are mad? -absolutely

please if you're sick stay at home if possible or at least wear a mask!

... even if it's just a cold some people don't have the best immune system and i am tired of being sick on top of my chronic illness every other week