Tw Depressing Stuff - Blog Posts

Riding a Wave That Never Breaks

Manga spoilers and Dark themes

Sometimes you can’t escape your inner demons no matter how much time has passed. Four amazing years may pass, but that darkness is only one storm away.

Midoriya struggled a lot with depression growing up. Despite having a loving mother and a safe home environment, the torture he suffered through the day was too much.

Midoriya loved everything about the hero world and how he could escape into fantastic fantasies. He was constantly diving deep, imagining alternate universes where he was respected by his peers. Midoriya craved positive attention or for the hollow feeling inside him to vanish.

On the days Midoriya didn’t have school, he’d curl up in his bed and never move. Unless his mother sweetly called him for dinner or suggested some bonding time, the day was spent wasting away underneath a comforter.

Midoriya was lucky to have met Toshinori. The man gave Midoriya a sense of purpose that he had been missing. Toshinori saw something in Midoriya that Midoriya never saw in himself. It was like he was reborn, suddenly showered in affection, and given a list of things to do to better himself.

Midoriya trained his mind and body every day. Midoriya was eating healthy and filling meals three times a day. By the end of the day, Midoriya was ready to sleep. With getting proper sleep, intake of nutrients, and producing endorphins through intense training, Midoriya was feeling much better.

Despite the upward climb, there were times Midoriya gave into the gloom. He’d skip showering, not study, ignore the tangles in his hair, never change out his uniform at the end of the day, sleep the day away, not sleep at all, and a plethora of other things he did when things were getting bad.

Neglecting his needs was one thing, but he’d harm himself in more direct ways. He never thought much about it, simply seeing it as a way to relieve the tension in his head and the tightness in his chest. He did it in places he knew would never see the light of day.

In a short two years, Midoriya was seventeen and dealing with mountains of trauma he didn’t know how to digest. Midoriya was surrounded by people who brought out the best in him, but he could feel himself slipping.

“I’m not hungry, sorry.”

“I really needed to catch up on sleep.”

“Can we reschedule? I’m so sorry something came up.”

“Sorry, I’m a bit behind on my studies.”

“Maybe some other time?”

Midoriya slowly withdrew himself from his peers. With the door locked, lights off, and the silence of the soundproof walls made it easy for the sickening sweet voice in the back of his mind to grow louder.

“Was this all worth it?”

“You served your purpose, you aren’t needed anymore.”

“They probably are happy you aren’t around as much.”

“That sounds like so much work.”

“You really can’t amount to anything.”

“A lazy hero is good for nothing.”

With an empty stomach and an ache in his heart, Midoriya closed his eyes and slept the dark thoughts away. When an alarm broke him out of his nightmare, he slept through his usual morning run.

It didn’t take long for everyone to notice something was off. Todoroki, worried and unsure of what to do in this situation, practically fed Midoriya lunch, not giving him a chance to skip a meal. If he had to guilt-trip Midoriya into it he would.

“I got this just for you,” revealed Todoroki, extending out the warm bowl of katsudon.

Midoriya would softly smile, sitting next to his best friend and enjoying the warm meal. The perfect crunch of the breading and the juiciness of the pork nearly brought him to tears. It didn’t matter what meal it was, Midoriya would swallow every last bite to respect his friend's kindness.

Bakugo talked with Toshinori and Aizawa, knowing that they may no longer be Midoriya’s teachers, but they were parental figures. He knew something was wrong and this was bigger than him and his classmates. Aizawa and Toshinori weren’t constants in Midoriya’s life, but their value remained. Their assistance would mean so much more than the nineteen people who are constantly around him.

During the war, Midoriya never once reached out for help when he was working himself to death. If Midoriya was experiencing something that was troubling him or he couldn’t save himself from whatever he was going through, Bakugo would pull him out.

It seemed that Toshinori and Aizawa had a hunch that something like what was happening would happen soon enough. Aizawa knew very well that the trauma Midoriya refused to acknowledge would come back tenfold.

Toshinori knew the psychological damage he experienced over the years by dealing with his demons. Being the number one hero and having the entire world on his shoulders was a burden he wouldn’t wish on anyone. That’s why he originally gave Midoriya the quirk. He believed he was simply passing on a powerful quirk.

When it came out that All for One was not dead and that he had a successor, Toshinori felt guilt consume him. He put Midoriya in a situation far worse than the one he’d lived through.

Midoriya watched nearly all the people he cared about die and/or be on the brink of death. Midoriya watched thousands of innocent people die, unable to do anything. There was an evil far worse than any the world had seen before and Midoriya had to face it himself.

Midoriya had to shove all his emotions deep down as he was forced to see the corpse of someone he cherished dearly. Midoriya was a kid but wasn't in a position to handle the situation as one.

Midoriya was struggling with the trauma of the war and the pressure he was put under. Midoriya would forever be scarred from the responsibility placed in his hand. Yet, deep down, Midoriya was ashamed of the itch he had to be important.

There was this craving for chaos and the fight to the death. Suddenly nothing was going on and the feeling of worthlessness settled in. Midoriya didn't want innocent people to die again or for the world to be in danger, but he felt like something was missing without the danger.

The guilt of missing something so horrible killed him more than what he was put through. Maybe they were interconnected in some way but, in Midoriya's mind, wanting it to happen again was a different trauma response than his episode of depression.

Sometimes, Midoriya's brain filled itself with noise when the world was too quiet. The earth-shattering sounds of the battle and his scream mixing with the screams of the rest of the world would haunt him. The rare spots on his wall where there was no All Might merchandise, Midoriya's eyes would focus on the white wall and let the rest of his room fade away.

Midoriya could fall into a staring contest with his wall while standing, sitting, or lying down. There were no limits and he usually would catch himself doing it whenever he was in the security of his room. These moments of pure disassociation could last from anywhere of a couple of seconds to over an hour.

It was Saturday night and Bakugo was going to drag Midoriya down to study with the class. He figured surrounding him with everyone would help get him out of his head a bit. He always liked to think he knew Midoriya the best, but he didn't know the first thing to do to help Midoriya snap out of whatever mental decline he was trapped in.

"Izuku, I'm coming in," announced Bakugo, hand already turning the door handle.

Bakugo didn't think much about not receiving any response and opened the door. Midoriya was on his bed, lying on his side as he stared at his wall motionlessly.

"Nerd?"

Midoriya didn't seem to notice Bakugo or even signal he heard Bakugo address him. Bakugo started panicking, worried Midoriya was unresponsive. Bakugo started looking over Midoriya after dropping to his knees beside the bed.

"Shit, Izuku. Look at me!" begged Bakugo, reaching to check for a pulse. He cursed himself for not paying closer attention to Midoriya's health. It took seconds for Bakugo to feel the steady thumping of Midoriya's pulse under his fingers.

Midoriya blinked, feeling the warm touch and wanting to lean into it. His vision of the wall was blocked by Bakugo's worried expression and he couldn't help but feel like everything was okay for this split second in time.

Tears started falling and Midoriya couldn't find the strength in himself to stop. Midoriya let his whole body shake with each sob he let rip through his body. He hated feeling so hopeless and feeling stuck in such a horrible mindset. It was a scary feeling to have no control over.

Bakugo didn't need to hear anything to know that Midoriya needed him at that moment. Bakugo reached for Midoriya's hand and took it securely in his own before resting his forehead against Midoriya's. Rough and crooked fingers intertwined and squeezed soft and powerful fingers.

"I don't know what to do Kacchan," wept Midoriya, feeling safe to express himself.

Bakugo remained quiet momentarily before letting his gut do the talking. "You don't have to know what to do all the time. Sometimes life sucks and you have to let others make it less shitty."

Midoriya cried harder, pulling out his other hand to gently wrap it against Bakugo's wrist. "I can't do this anymore."

"And you don't have to. I'm here. If you can't handle burdens on your own, I'm here. Let me help, Izuku," stressed Bakugo, brushing Midoriya's bangs out of his forehead. "I'll be there to save you every time you need a hero."

Midoriya felt like the room was no longer caving in on him and that the world finally had air to spare. His grip on Bakugo momentarily tightened before he took a deep breath. There was something so incredible about Bakugo and how he never failed to be Midoriya's anchor. Bakugo never failed to reach his hand out to lift Midoriya out of the pit he was trapped in.

“Let’s go take a shower, grab you something to eat, and how about we go study? You don’t need to be alone and if you get overwhelmed we can ditch,” guided Bakugo as he removed his one hand from Midoriya’s bangs to poke his freckles.

Still feeling vulnerable, Midoriya let out a shaky breath. “Yeah, can you just stay here with me for a bit?”

Bakugo rose from his uncomfortable position and crashed beside Midoriya on his bed. “You could ask me to destroy the world and I’d do it.”

Midoriya smiled, feeling his cheeks heat up by the powerful confession. “You sure know how to make a boy feel special.”

“After existing in a world without you… I never wanted to experience it again.”

Midoriya suddenly realized he had something he could use to anchor himself down. He remembered seeing Bakugo lying in the crumbling field of injured heroes. He remembered the dread that filled him upon seeing the sickeningly beautiful sight of Bakugo’s peaceful resting expression. The crushing horror of seeing his unbreathing, bloodied body would forever haunt his dreams.

Why would he give up a life where Bakugo was right next to him?

“I never want to experience it either,” professed Midoriya, feeling a warmth fill his chest, seeing the scars that littered Bakugo’s body. Those scars were proof that this boy before him would always defy and twist fate to come back to him.

The downward spiral ended when he was forced to remember every wonderful thing he had to live for. He had to live for Bakugo, Todoroki, Uraraka, Eri, Aizawa, Toshinori, his mother, and the surplus of people whom he never wanted to live without.

Overcoming depression wasn’t easy and his recovery wasn’t going to be fast. There would be those moments when the exhaustion that filled him was too much or the pressure of outside expectations killed his appetite and kept him up at night. The battle was a lot easier being surrounded by people who never failed to bring a smile to his face.

Freshly cleaned and fed, Midoriya had his bookbag filled with unfinished homework and study guides. Bakugo was right next to him, wearing an accomplished grin as he plopped down next to Midoriya. The excited greetings of his classmates washed away any bits of anxiety that he may have had left.

“Ready to get this study game on?” questioned Kirishima happily upon seeing two of his best buds appear together.

“Yeah! I’ll admit I’m a bit behind,” admitted Midoriya meekly.

Iida seemed to not care about the fact that Midoriya got behind on schoolwork and smiled warmly. “Well let’s get you caught up!”

Midoriya eagerly nodded, feeling the buzz of his classmate's excitement rub off on him. They were all gathered together to study, but Midoriya couldn’t help but be overjoyed to be with them at that moment.

Things would be okay.

vent I'm pretty sure no one asked or cared about

God, I just hate that talk of "oh, things will eventually get better" so fucking much. I have been to therapy for years, so did I keep on taking medication and tried physical exercise but NOTHING worked. And please, do not view this as a "but it doesn't matter doing those things and not changing your mindset" because, FUCK, i tried. I tried so hard to believe things would be better. That this crippling feeling of loneliness that genuinely make my bones ache would eventually dissipate, if not completely, then at least a little. That the little me as a kid wouldn't need to imagine a world he'd feel truly feel seen and understood because people would be like it in the future. I remember everytime I felt disconnected from others around me, even friends and family, I'd tell myself all would change one day and would lose track of time desperately desiring for simple moments that felt magical in my head, like having a true heartfelt conversation and being truly seen and understood by somebody. Now I understand that it doesn't get to happen, you just keep pushing on until you die and I don't want this existence. I feel like I, ironically, love life and it's possibilities too much to end up like this. I just...i don't know. I was diagnosed as autistic not long ago, and yeah, it surely was one of the big reasons why I felt so disconnected and different from others my age but even with that, it still feels like there's something wrong. Something that no doctor can point at or diagnose. Something rotten and wrong and deeply ingrained in me that makes people leave eventually. That make other people see me as "cool or whatever" to be around for a bit before moving on with their lives and finding actual people. So...yeah. It was depressing

Def not morbid poem

Can one tell I got depression? I don't think so...

TW

It's crazy how with a little bit of adhd and excelling grades you can convince everyone that Ur fine, even when Ur OD'ing.

someone: hi

me: did you know the narrative that school shooters in the US are all bullying victims is false and originates from inaccurate coverage of one of the most infamous school shootings, the columbine shooting? in reality the columbine shooters were reactionaries who isolated themselves deliberately and followed an ideology that positioned them "above" the rest. so, a lot of school shooters are actually ideologically motivated rather than revenge motivated. no one knows this and the media paints these murderers as victims. do you want to know what the columbine effect is? also I have a lot to say about "stranger danger" as a conservative fear campaign to promote the isolated nuclear family

someone: hi

me: did you know the narrative that school shooters in the US are all bullying victims is false and originates from inaccurate coverage of one of the most infamous school shootings, the columbine shooting? in reality the columbine shooters were reactionaries who isolated themselves deliberately and followed an ideology that positioned them "above" the rest. so, a lot of school shooters are actually ideologically motivated rather than revenge motivated. no one knows this and the media paints these murderers as victims. do you want to know what the columbine effect is? also I have a lot to say about "stranger danger" as a conservative fear campaign to promote the isolated nuclear family

rotting away

I swear to god smoking helps me reduce the amount i Sh, something about these cheeky cancer sticks make me go 😋😋

Something that needs to be talked about more is how you'll randomly get over a depressive episode because of the most minor things?? I know as soon as one minor inconvenience happens it'll come back but I'm at peace with that. Still baffled at how easy it is to be okay, even for a few days.

The many stages of depression: (TW)

Depression is one of those feelings that a lot of people have experienced at least sometimes in their lives. It is quite correct to state that everyone at one point in their life have been through it or will go through it. Some get depressed more than others; it could be due to environment, abuse, loss, bullying, mental disorders, stress, poor health, etc.

It is something widely experienced but not widely explained. The mystery of why depression happens to certain people can boil down to their psychological state but should not be considered the single parameter for its existence. Depression like cancer can happen to anyone regardless of any amount of money, status, love or psycological wellness they have. And like Cancer you can't just tell someone with depression to just ignore it or say they are overreacting.

As someone who goes through bouts of seasonal depression and lives in a place where depression is not even considered "real". I have broken down depression according to personal experience into 5 stages.

I am not a medical professional ( I do want to become a psychologist) or someone who can give advice on this topic. But as a patient of depression for around 2 years I can give a little insight into it. Just because I said there are 5 stages doesn’t mean it has to be these stages only, or in the same order.

Here it goes:

1. Anger: just like the stages of grief I always thought the 1st step towards depression starts with anger. It could be outbursts, sudden rage, irritation, annoyance, physical reactions such as intensive urge to kick or punch something (I always have days when I want to burn buildings down and kill my classmates). These reactions can be due to the sudden change in mentality we get before full blown depression kicks in. When we just hate every thing. Everything is stupid. Everyone is being annoying. One of our 1st reactions to anything upsetting is to be mad about it. Depression is not an exception. Anger is where you start. When you start to blame everything around your for causing the pain you are going through. This stage is very important, it is always good to take out your anger before it becomes too much. During this stage I am at my peak of annoyance and can be diabolical.

2. Paranoia: the stage that continues what anger started. This is when realisation kicks in that something is wrong in your mind. You can become paranoid of everything around you. Why is my friend ignoring me for 5 minutes? Why did my parents became quiet when I walked in? Why does it feel like someone is watching me? Why can’t I trust anyone? This is when you are at your peak in terms of insanity. I have been in this stage for the most part of my depressive episodes. Especially as an intuitive, paranoia can be disturbing and harmful to your mental health. It makes you question silly things that don’t even matter for the sake of increasing your blood pressure and start to isolate you from social life. That’s where stage 3 will come

3. Withdrawal: not the withdrawal due to addiction. This is when you start isolating yourself from others. Paranoia put the seed of doubt in your mind about people and how you don’t want them to be near you. People can be a problem sometimes. And this stage is just what being isolated means. This is also the stage people are the most familiar with, because it is often what depression is portrayed as: isolating yourself from other humans as way to build a wall to protect yourself from what paranoia caused. During this time I stop taking calls from my friends, family, anyone. I stop messaging or replying. I often stopped eating with family or having lunch at school with my friends. As an introvert this stage isn’t even that hard, but there is a difference between the choice of isolating yourself because you don’t like to be around strange people and the want to isolate from people you care about.

4. Sadness: the most well known stage of depression, some people mistake it for the definition of depression, which is so wrong. After isolating yourself, you become vulnerable. This is that stage of vulnerability and mostly when people start to have negative thoughts (suicidal thoughts). Sadness itself can’t be explained that well, other than that it leads negativity, hopelessness and the lack of interest in anything cheerful. When I get into this stage, my depression is the most apparent to other people. This is when my mom steps in and ask if things are wrong. And I say #fine when I am so not. Sadness can manifest in tears, coldness, increased self awareness, intrusive and harmful thoughts etc. This is one of the hardest and longest stages to overcome. Yet not as harmful as the next one…

5. Numbness: let me deep breathe before this……this is the most dangerous stage of depression. Every stage before this one had some sort of emotion in it. Anger, paranoia, withdrawn, sadness. But Numbness is the lack of any emotion that can be experienced, even negative ones. You lose all your hope. All your wishes and goals. Everything becomes a barren wasteland of nothingness. The lack of emotions is the worst thing that can happen to you. Just like how you die when your heart stops beating, having numbness to emotions will as in many cases lead to death. Unfortunately, this is the stage when most suicides take places. The inability to have any interest in life and getting overwhelmed from the fact you stopped living the moment you stopped feeling. Have I been in this stage? Yes. But since I am alive there must be a way out of it.

When I said 5 stages of depression, it was meant for those who sadly ended their lives because of it. Stage 6 is for those who made it out alive.

6. Acceptance: again like the stages of grief Depression ends with acceptance. Accepting your problems (I am the problem it's me!), accepting yourself as a problem, accepting help from people who care for you and accepting the little hope left deep down. If you made it to this stage, you are capable of doing anything you want.

Note: You are worth it! (Can't believe I AM saying this) And if you are going through depression or anything related to that, remember that one of reasons to stay alive is to pull revenge on all the people you hate. Maybe in future you can show your haters that the reason they hate you is beacuse of how strong willed you are. You don't have to prove your talents. You don't have to accomplish things to justify your existence. You are here for nobody but yourself. Be selfish, be a bitch and live out the best life there is.

moving house soon, I'll finally have my own room and I can cut as much as I like at night, what are my parents gonna do? watch me sleep? nu-uh.

I fear it's getting bad again

wish I could be happy all the time and not just when I'm with my gf or something is genuinely funny

ever just zone out and start questioning everything??? keeps happening recently, stressing me out slightly.

been reading No longer Human by Osamu Dazai and I keep catching myself thinking the same way he would

I fasted all the way untill supper. I drank some tea, slept, and went up to the roof and listened to a podcast by shrouded head and binge watched YouTube. It's not even dinner time yet. It's 6pm and I'll tidy up by 7pm and shower then I'll start on dinner around 8pm. The sky is nice and gloomy this evening and I feel so lonely, dispaired and hopeless... I wonder if ill ever not be lonely someday?

I dont see my therapist again until school starts and I've just unlocked a new trauma. I can only talk to one person about it and I'm freaking out. I hate this. I hate life. I'm so uncomfortable and upset and disgusted by everything. I was just starting to like myself.

I dont know what to do anymore. I try so hard and I always end up back here. I'm tired of trying to fight to get out of this. I'm just gonna stay in the dark and hopefully I'll be able to this.

I've been struggling so much. You don't even see it. I've been trying so hard to make things good again but nothing works. I put all of my effort into making us okay that I've started struggling in school. This is the worst I've ever done and I dont know what to do anymore. I'm so tired. I'm so damn tired

I feel so alone. I try to talk to you but I dont know how anymore. I ruined things between us and I don't know how to fix it. I'm not even lonely I know I have you but at the same time I'm so alone.

Life has lost meaning. Life has lost purpose. I'm so lost and numb without you. I can't do this anymore.

Had to reset the clock today. It's been a bad week. I want to lay in bed and rot now

Why do people pretend to be your friend? Why talk shit about how I look? Why not just fucking tell me or keep your opinions to yourself? My appearance does not define who I am as a person. It doesn't define my professionalism or anything. Why pretend?

Why cant I just do it? What's wrong with me?

I just want him to love me again.

When eating does anyone else feel like throwing up as soon as the food touches your tongue? Especially when it comes to meat?

I feel like I need them more than they need me. Even if I am that one that ruined everything, I still need them. I crave them. It feels like they could care less. It's what I deserve.

I wish I had the courage to end it all.

How am I supposed to live after I've hurt the person I love the most?

loneliness and emptiness