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Finla2 Vents - Blog Posts
TW: (un-diagnosed) hypersexual thoughts
the sick feeling when those thoughts come into my mind. but I'm not diagnosed, so for now I'm js h0rny, even though im demi-sexual and not h0rny
yk what. I have to force myself out of the derealization mindset. only bc I know I will actually lose my mind and do stuff that's not great js because I'll think it won't matter bc I'm not real and nothing is and I'll get sent to a mental hospital
not seen my gf in like 2 months 😓 </3
OKAY. where do ppl in England who are younger than 16 get blades from?
me telling my mum a memory I have and it always ends up being negative, she js tells me to remember something happy. how am I meant to tell her I don't remember anything positive? maybe a few things. but not many
moving house soon, I'll finally have my own room and I can cut as much as I like at night, what are my parents gonna do? watch me sleep? nu-uh.
im js so tired, these mocks are killing me, I can't do this anymore. I'm a fucking teenager why are they making my life depend on some tests I do in highschool? I fucking hate this.
im never opening up to my mum fully, because how am I meant to to tell the woman who gave me life, that I don't want it anymore
TW VENT
So basically, I'm js gonna start from the beginning. this Wednesday that js went I came home from school put the kettle on to make tea blah blah blah, but then I look round and fucking see MY SCISSORS AND PLASTER BOX. so then I'm panicking, feeling violently sick and i go up stairs, cry little, wash my face. my mum tells me to do my hw and just sits in front of me the whole time and then I go to put everything away and leave but she fucking tells me to stay and talks to me abt how my sister burst into tears the other day in class because I told her my intrusive thought abt cutting my neck (I'm an idiot ik) but I even told her it was an INTRUSIVE THOUGHT. so yeah. and then she was asking if I want to die, I lied obviously. then she started guilt tripping me, so basically my friend had cancer (she's not anymore) and my mum asked me if my friend knew, I said yes and she was like, "imagine how she feels, she's been fighting for her life, and you've been damaging yours!". I mean, fair enough, but GOD. yeah. I'm gonna kms, oh wait no I can't. they've taken everything from me and apparently have been looking in my "secret" place for *months* now.
hahahaha, I'm doing great 👍
love how I post this and then instantly the next day relapse
my scars fading<<<<
having more space to cut>>>>
why cant ppl js leave me alone
me as a kid wanting to be tall enough to see myself in the mirror.
me now crying and feeling sick when I look in the mirror.
Vent
oh yeah, today's been great, definitely didn't relapse. definitely didn't nearly have a panic attack because I thought blood was dripping down my arm in lesson. definitely didn't keep walking into the guy who made s*x jokes about me for half a year last year. definitely not getting angry and overwhelmed by everything and getting yelled at by my parnsst to sort my attitude out.
all I want right now is to be handsome skinny boy. is that to much to ask?
need to have an excuse
one like = one cut