My Core Self Was Quiet Because I Was Told To Be. And Hence, This. Sigh. So Many To Blame But A Lot To

— In the Future, Jay Hulme, in '100 Queer Poems, an anthology' (2022)

[text ID: I've forgotten what my face looks like / but can easily describe my spine. / The way it bends under pressure, / the way it curves, but will not break.]

I feel so lonely. Not because I don't have people in my life that love me, I do. But I can't help but feel alone. I feel like a monster whenever I don't answer my friends' texts because I can't help it but feel so stressed out and tired and having to deal with people is the last thing I want to do.

I want to be loved and love people but there's an ugly monster that keeps on trying to make me feel and be lonely and alone in my own thoughts.

back from a vacation to the same spirals and work, home sweet home.

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Gentle Spirit

I'm tired of this ritual

again I write with disdain,

my heart is heavy with sorrow

perpetually drowning in pain.

I write this with

melancholic music

blasting in my ears.

It's comfortable,

relatable.

It's hopeless,

as I long to be.

How accurate.

- j (x)

I'm not the past version of myself who didn’t rest,

I'm not okay and I need the help.

You are just a fragment of my imagination

it feels insulting to cry out loud

when some have loved and lost you

and I've only lost.