— In The Future, Jay Hulme, In '100 Queer Poems, An Anthology' (2022)

What if I told you it's all in your head and you're not drowning but living, instead?

“The other day, lying in bed, I felt my heart beating for the first time in a long while. I realized how little I live in my body, how much in my mind”

-Rodger kamenetz, from Terra infirma

Just dissociating after crying and spiralling for losing a bunch of hair, courtesy of my antidepressant and lack of self care. Enough living for today.

I'm not the past version of myself who didn’t rest,

I'm not okay and I need the help.

This Morning: A Thread (TW: Suicidal ideation)

My brain: Ugh, not again

How and why am I still alive?

Because I just fell asleep, it's normal

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be here.

I cannot unalive myself here. I need to wait until I can.

I need to study, get my degree, get a job, start living alone.

Only then will I be able to end it.

Alone, alone, alone.

Yes, only a few more years.

Let's start the day.

i can’t see myself old, i just see myself disappearing across the years.

The words, the colors, the sun

fail to showcase my heartbreak

when I have yet to accept it as mine

and only mine to grieve.

yes, please

Craving entertainment but having absolutely no interest in anything

Kill me

as the solitude comforts me,

the loneliness eats me up and

I let it.