Just Dissociating After Crying And Spiralling For Losing A Bunch Of Hair, Courtesy Of My Antidepressant

A totally unexpected plan ending as a tool to rediscover your sexuality and dabbling into other's fantasies as it made you tap into your inner dom is ecstatic, especially when you've been in a constant bpd depressive episode and stuck in every other aspect of your life.

I never lost it but found something even more exciting.

This. Oh man, this.

Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

I don't want to do this anymore. It fucking hurts so bad. It's not worth it. I'm tired.

i can’t see myself old, i just see myself disappearing across the years.

Tw: abuse

Just survived a couple hours with my abuser while casually chitchatting around family. I need to run away.

Anger bursts inside of me as fire crackers under the moonlight, with a cackle first and then a battle cry.

TW: suicide attempt

A year ago, tonight was the night, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on my antidepressant and antianxiety medication.

There are a lot of parallels between that night and tonight: I was alone in my room, I had smoked, I thought about how lonely I am even after being surrounded by people I love and who love me.

I was stuck in an overthinking loop that night, I just couldn't get out of it. My mind kept on telling me that there's only one way to end it so that's what I did. I tried to end everyone's misery (I thought I was a burden on everyone, that they would be better off without me) so I did what I did.

I ended up being a burden.

I got into emergency, then ICU, which was the loneliest I've ever felt.

After being at home, listening to my parents taunting me every chance they got, I kind of got better.

I'm not always happy but I'm also not crying my eyes out every night.

I'm just okay. Getting by.

I thought I'll cry tonight but nothing so far. Does that mean I've grown? Or am I stronger? Or I just don't care anymore.

I can't form so much as a tear

but I seem to be drowning still.