I Don't Want To Do This Anymore. It Fucking Hurts So Bad. It's Not Worth It. I'm Tired.

On nights like this, I try to remember to be kinder to myself even if that kindness feels so wrong.

You stumble at my doorstep again

with the sly smile and sparkly eyes

that I fell in love with at once

and you pull me close

keep my heart in your warm hands

while you whisper our names together,

oh, how my heart just beats right of your hands.

I love you, with the pieces and mirrors

and blood and tears,

I love you with all my breaths and being.

Fighting with your own mind for as basic thing as eating, is so fucked up and brutally sad.

I just read “each time you open a book and read, a tree smiles knowing there's life after death”and OH MY GOD

It's so much easier to push people away. I don't want to feel anything. I want to turn off my emotions and self destruct. I refuse to feel grief or any strong emotion that I just don't want to feel. I'd rather not think about any of those emotions and just keep trying to destroy myself. I can't cope with real life. I'd rather make them hate me. My brain is telling me to push them away. And I can't stop it.

I'm tired of this ritual

again I write with disdain,

my heart is heavy with sorrow

perpetually drowning in pain.

I'd like to stop being anxious now. My head is exploding.

What if I told you it's all in your head and you're not drowning but living, instead?

kinda wanna leave. kinda wanna ghost everyone. kinda wanna rot under a blanket. kinda wanna feel loved. kinda wanna feel wanted. kinda wanna

Having a PMDD-esque period in sync with the depersonalisation and derealisation episode is really milking my bpd this week and it's only my first day.

More horrors to come tomorrow!